Hello! Hmmm... let's see. What should I write about today/tonight? Well, a quick recap I guess. BJ came to visit Tuesday night. We finished up season four of Alias (the last season we have on DVD... which will lead to significant withdrawal) and then headed to Wal-Mart. BJ picked up some contact solution, The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (for our collection!) and then my beloved bought me a mouse pad. I really needed a mouse pad. Thank you, my love!

We came home around 1:30am and were greeted by some wonderful strawberry milkshakes that Kelly had made for us. I made up the couch for BJ to sleep on, and before I knew it he was curled up under the blanket, nearly completely asleep with his milkshake still in hand. It was so adorable... I hated forcing him to get up and take out his contacts.

The next morning we did a whole lot of nothing. We lounged until around 11, and then I made breakfast. We did a little more lounging, and then asked Kelly to join us in a game of Scene It. Kelly won. (duh) After that, we ate pizza and watched "Outbreak". Nothing like pizza while watching a movie about an infections disease that makes you bleed from your eyes (and everywhere else) while making your organs liquify. Yum!

After the movie, we headed to Tiger Town and hit up Office Depot for some ink cartridges (for Kelly) and BJ checked out what kind of wireless internet adapter to get for the laptop I gave him. Woot! Woot! Yeah, anyway.

After that, home again. Did a little more nothing, and then did our devotionals. It was grand. It doesn't matter what we do together, I'm always happy with him. He makes me laugh. We did a lot of laughing. That's not nothing. That's laughing. And it feels really good.

Moving on! As promised I will now show you an adorable baby picture of adorable Cairo. I still get sad when I think about him. I feel like I gave up a friend. I know he's happy, and I know he's well taken care of, but I wanted to be the one to take care of him. Sometimes I think I screwed the whole thing up. But would keeping him of been selfish? I don't know. But hey... he was a gift from my beloved Amber...and she made a lot of people happy. I guess I need to get over myself. Cairo has blessed many people. Take a look at this little guy, and you tell me that you wouldn't fall in love with him too!





Isn't he just adorable? If you know how big a box of Irish spring soap is, you can see just how tiny he was. And then if you look at the pics below, you can see that in Jamie's arms...he is quite huge. Kelly, who is sitting behind me, wishes for me to inform you of the following:

I just burped. (and this is what I REALLY said afterward.) It tastes like banana peppers. And pickles. Which taste quite similar on a good day. (It's true, and this IS Truth Be TOLD, afterall.)

ANYWAY. Yes, Cairo. He's a big boy now, but he has been a blessing to so many people. He may not have been the buddy to me he was originally intended to be, but he has been a little puppy miracle. He's helped my mom out a lot, for instance. My Grandpa (her dad) is really not doing well. He's in stage four of his cancer, which is how far along my mom was with hers before her miracle. That's why she hasn't given up hope. It's really hard for her. She's told me so many times how raising Cairo has been an amazing distraction. A new baby, since our doggies are family. She loves him very much, and he's a wild and crazy young one, so that keeps her busy whenever she's home.

But as for Grandpa, he doesn't have much time left. It makes me really sad, because BJ never got to meet him. I really don't think he will. It's almost laughable sometimes when my mom tells me "You don't understand. This is my dad! My parent. It's too hard to watch this happen to him. You have no idea." I'm like...whoa. HELLO! I went through the same thing with her! I think she forgets that. She doesn't forget how almost dying affected her, which I don't expect her too. But now...she's seeing the other side of the spectrum, which I think she really underestimated before. Nobody is ready enough to watch a loved one die. No one can be prepared to make post-death arrangements. No one wants to talk about a will, nobody wants to think about the end.

My great Aunt Lorraine called up my Grammy (who has been divorced from Grandpa for a long time) and asked her to ask my mom to gather pictures of herself and her dad (Grandpa) for photo arrangements for the funeral. My mom was outraged. She was so angry. That side of the family claims to be so spiritual, and she just couldn't believe that they had no hope. I don't think they believe in miracles. They all heard about my mom, but none of them witnessed it. None of them believed in it.

I really love my Grandpa. None of us got to spend as much time as we wanted to with him growing up. Kelly, being his very first grand child got really spoiled... but I think I weaseled my way in there good enough. I'm the only grandchild whose Graduation he attended, the only grandchild to go stay with him in Arizona. That was a good trip. It was me, Grandpa, and Grandma Isabelle. We drove down there from Minnesota after a family reunion in their luxurious towncar. It took 3 days. Each night we stopped, the got me my own hotel room. the first night we stopped in Kansas, and the second night we stopped in New Mexico. It was the first time I had ever seen Cactus on the side of the road, and I was enthralled.

Grandpa learned the hard way that summer to appreciate my quiet side. That man has been the source of a lot of different emotions for every member of his family. But for me, all the memories have been good ones. I guess I'm blessed that way. I can only remember him after he had calmed down. (He was an alcoholic. But back then, NOT drinking a lot was wrong. not the other way around.)

My memories of my grandpa are awesome. This one thing he did would amuse me for hours. He would hand us a broom stick, and had us hold it p horizontallly in the air. He would leave the room, and one child would touch the broomstick in one specific spot. Grandpa would come back, sniff the broomstick up and down, and point EXACTLY to the spot where one of us had touched it. I still don't know how he did it.

He always gave us presents, and gave the best hugs. The last time I saw him was this past summer. One last reunion... they got everyone together for what they all honestly believed to be the last time. All my uncles came up, and it was good. Lots of laughing. I couldn't stop hugging my Grandpa. He had a cough, and we compared inhalers. (We had the exact same one) I don't want to believe that that was the last time I would ever see him alive. I want to be like my mom. I had hope for her, I need to have hope for him too.

Anyway, that went from happy to sad really fast. I hope BJ calls soon. Time to read the Bible. Love you all! Talk to you soon.

Corrie

Just had to share a couple pictures with you! Sunnie just sent these to me. Thank you so much for the pictures! They're the cutes things ever! The top is best friends, Winnie and Cairo. Cairo was my little baby puppy...he's not so little anymore! Under that is Jamie and Cairo...Jamie and his dog. He needs that. Then there's the moody brother all by himself with his new haircut (thank GOD!) and then finally...Cairo all big and stuff. I'll have to post a picture of when he was teeny tiny so you can all be in disbelief with me! Look below all the beautiful pictures for the journal update. I just can't believe how BIG Cairo is! Good heavens...

Hey all! Well, I don't really have much to report, but for some reason I felt like writing. Maybe that means I should be working on something worthwhile...but to me this journal IS worthwhile. Sometimes, anyway.

So what's happened since yesterday? Oh, that's right. Nothing. So I guess I won't talk about the day to day. Instead... I'll reflect. Ah, yes. Reflection. What shall I reflect on? A couple weeks ago Kelly and I were given 20 canned items from Benlee's parents. A sort of welcome gift, and it was awesome! One of these items was a can of salmon. Kelly and I decided to turn it into salmon salad and eat it on crackers. What I did not expect to find upon opening that can, was entire fillets of fish. Complete with the bones, and the spine. Ew? Yeah. But I got rid of the bones with a messy scraping of the fork. It was completely disgusting, but the end results were tasty. I realize that that wasn't much of a reflection, but it was indeed informative. Necessary? Absolutely not.

Moving on. I miss my family, but I miss home less. BJ is home now, so wherever he is, I'll be okay. I never in a million years thought I would be able to feel that way, but that's really how it feels. "I'm crazy in love with you..." Why, thank you Mister Helton. I shall eternally adobt your sentiments in reference to a love of my own, thank you very huge.

My brother is a poop. I've been begging him to agree to come down and visit this summer. He absolutely refuses to get on a plane by himself, the big baby. So Kelly and I came up with the best plan. We'd invite him around the time BJ, Kelly, Benlee and I plan to head to Florida for a Disney/Universal vacation. We'd PAY his way! He said no. AGHH! What a brat. He's just scared. If one of his pals was with him, he'd be okay. But if he brought Andrew, all he'd do is chase ofter the girlies. Good thing Jamison "Doesn't have time for girls right now." Oh, yes. I raised him well. My little genius musician poop. I hove him. Yes, I mean hove. Hate/love. I could say "late" love/hate, but that's just confusing. Is hove a word? I dunno. Maybe I'll ask the spell check. I've never spell checked before. Why start now? I'm not proud...just lazy.

Kelly has told me repeatedly that I should write a young adult fiction series. Something like the princess diaries, only without the princess and the diaries. Wouldn't that be awesome? That might sound to some like a heap of nothing, but...you don't even know! I'm so brilliant sometimes. Kelly says someone should be filming me. I think in my better moments I would make an excellent sitcom. Catch me at a bad time in life, and you have a soap opera. Put it all together, and you've got a Lifetime Original Movie! YES!!! I know Debra would watch it FOR SURE!


I just burped up the canned boney salmon. Gross.


Darla smells nasty. That's something we Darla lovers have always had to live with. If you haven't seen it and you're a close friend of mine...someday you HAVE to witness Darla farting her way up the stairs. It's priceless. Endless entertainment! Too bad we live in an apartment now. Although, sometimes she does run up to Benlee's. I haven't had the chance to catch the show yet though. Maybe I'll set her up. I've got a can of chili in the cupboard. (Which we also got from Benlee's parents) The reason why I bring this up, is because Darla is lying on the bed behind me. She just gave the grand finale of the show...only without the stairs. Can you get gas from jelly beans? Because she ate a whole bunch of them today. Jolly Rancher jelly beans to be exact. Just the grape ones were left. They're my least favorite. Darla likes them though! Too bad she doesn't smell like grapes...

I applied at Best Buy today. That would be fun! I think BJ and I would definitely enjoy the employee discount. Woot, woot! So many applications...so many high hopes.

RENT lovers! Kelly and I ventured to the post office the other day. We were so excited as we traveled down 7th street...we entered downtown Opelika and were absolutely ecstatic when we realized we were passing "Alphabet City" Oh, yes. Kelly laughed hysterically at me as I dodged traffic attempting to get a stellar picture of "Avenue A"...I don't think it worked all that well. We don't know how far into the alphabet the streets go, because we didn't go further than the post office.

"It was my luck day today, on Avenue A..." Ah, yes. BJ does such a grand imitation of Angel. You should all hear it sometime. Stupenda!

So anyway, about that YA fic series. The inner ramblings of some teenage girl. For those of you who read Downside...it would be like that, but with a completely different plot and completely different characters! But maybe I should keep Scarlett Calvin. That could be cool! Hmmm...I wonder. I like her. She would be me in highschool. I'd just write out my whole highschool life and change the names. Oh, that would be brilliant. I think I'll keep Jeremiah Bob. Because that's just HILARIOUS! Ooh...I'm getting excited.

Well, I guess I could ramble on and on about nothing forever...waiting for BJ to call so we can do our devotions for the night. I get to see him tomorrow! Can't wait!!! WEE! Can't help it, I love the guy! I really, really do. In his journal, he called me his future wife, and his gift from God. *sigh* I melted...just a little.

OOH! Sunnie IMed me! I miss my sissy. So I'm gonna end this now and talk to her. I love you guys! E-mail me! Send me mail! I love it all! BYE BYE!

ME

I just thought I'd post a little pic of the other love of my life, Cody. He's the absolute best doggie on the planet. He and I are BOTH in love with BJ. Seriously. Say "BJ" around Cody. I dare you! He goes nuts. My little 11 year old baby boy. That's 77 in doggie years. He's an old man that's finally starting to act like a puppy. I love that dog. Boy, do I love that dog.

Yo! So anyway. Weekends are good. Really good. I'm @ BJ's right now. He's still sleeping, for at least another 15 minutes. Then it's time to get ready for church! Yay! Anyway. I love BJ.

So. Friday night BJ was supposed to spend the night in Opelika, but was unable to make it. He showed up shortly after 8am instead on Saturday. We watched a little Alias, cuddled a bit, talked to Kelly...then we ate some lunch, watched a little more Alias, and then hit Target with Kelly and Benlee.

BJ bought Lois and Clark season 2, so we have to add that to our list. But I haven't told you about our list! I compiled an alphabetized list of all the "entertainment" BJ and I have. It's the master list of BJ and Corrie's entertainment library. Awesome! Wee!

Anyway. After Target we watched a little Smallville, and then headed on back to Montgomery. The Deans were gracious enough to let me do some laundry, and then BJ and I headed out to pick up some dinner for the family. (With a brief browsing stop at Wal-Mart.)

After dinner we caught up on devotions/scripture readings...which included reading 13 Bible chapters from 1 Samuel and 2 Samuel...and then a devotional as well. We fell a little behind in our Scripture reading. But now we're all caught up! We typically read 2-4 chapters a night...whatever the "read the Bible in a year" outline says.

We visited with Jake, Danielle, and Little Jack for a short while before heading off to bed.

Which brings us to today! Church soon, and Kelly will join us, and then BJ heads to work at 1. A simple weekend, but a fabulous weekend. I LOVE him so much. He makes me so happy...*sigh* Sometimes I feel overwhelmingly pathetic.

IN other news, a job should be finalized soon. So should other things methinks. BYE!

OH MY GOSH!!! MY MOM DIDN'T LIE! JOHNNY DEPP IS HER OTHER HUSBAND! AND I'M THEIR LOVECHILD!!!!

Your Daddy Is Johnny Depp

What You Call Him: Dada Why You Love Him: He takes you to church

Who's Your Daddy?

Your Personality Profile

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

INTERESTING... I agree. At least I think I do. Do I? Am I popular?!? WEE! Well, I used to be...then I relocated. Hmm.


Word to your brother...and his friends. Speaking of brothers, I miss mine. He's fantastic. I miss his laugh, and his humor. He makes ME laugh, and I miss that too. BJ makes me laugh a lot though, so I'm not totally deprived. Laughter is the best medicine in so many situations.

So! What has happened this week thus far? Not too much. Kelly and I have been busy little bees job searching, unpacking, learning the neighborhood, stuff like that. Organization and re-organization can be really fun! No lie. Kelly has so many shoes. And I have more closet space! Oh, what a funny world.

BJ came by and surprised me AGAIN Monday night. I was so excited. I just light up whenever I see him, and I feel...good. Whole. I'm just so happy with him. Kelly and I watched Benlee and BJ put together an additional shelf, identical to the one I had assembled the day before. Let's just say they complicated it for themselves. I had to resist the urge to take over. I let the men be men. It sure was funny though.

After that, we did a little karaoke. It was hilarious. Moulin Rouge karaoke...need I say more? What a find that karaoke CD turned out to be. I has been the source of endless hours of entertainment. I discovered an old audio tape of Jamie and I singing all those songs...Kelly found it somewhat disturbing that Jamie and I were singing those songs to each other, what with the "We should be lovers..." yeah. Fun stuff. I think it's hilarious. Especially since it was back a ways, and Jamie was going through puberty, complete with the squeakies...priceless. Brilliant black mail if you ask me...except that Jamie doesn't get easily embarrassed. That sucks. I've got nothing.

After the karaoke, BJ and I viewed an old favorite of mine, "Sorority Boys". I saw it shortly after it left theaters originally, and have told BJ many many times that he would enjoy it. He did.

Toward the end of the movie, I couldn't really breathe. Every breath resulted in a sharp pain followed by a hacking cough. I coughed my throat to pieces, and locked myself in the bathroom to rinse out the blood. I had warned BJ about these episodes when he and I first started getting "close". He asked me awhile back what I would need him to do in case something like that happened.

There were times when I couldn't catch my breath. I was coughing so hard, that I was gasping for air, and didn't get enough before the next coughing attack would start. BJ was so calm, and did everything I had told him about beforehand. He soaked a rag with scalding hot water and put it over my mouth. The steam opened the air ways and moistened what needed to be moistened, and soon the coughing turned to gasping, which turned to labored breathing, which turned to wheezing, which turned to normal. It took awhile, but BJ was amazing. Usually it takes a lot longer to get one of those things under control. But that's because I usually do it myself. BJ had put me to bed, covered me up to stop the shaking, and then got the rag. He kept reheating it so that the airways didn't have time to block again. I know for certain it would have been a lot worse if he hadn't been there.

He had to drive home shortly after that. Let's just say it was a long night. He had gotten me through the worst, but boy was I tired the next day. I hate my lungs... I hate my problems. I hate cigarettes, but they're never gonna disappear completely. Second hand smoke kills, people! It kills PEOPLE! Especially people like me. Bah. It's just not fair.

ANYWAY. Life is pretty good. I'm glad Kelly is here. She's having a difficult time with some aspects of the move, but overall I think it was a good decision. Or maybe that's just the "I'm happy to have part of my family here!" part of me talking. It's nice to have family, that's for sure.

BJ told me awhile ago that his ex-girlfriend had told him that she didn't think anyone would ever be good enough for his family. I can definitely understand why she felt that way. I think she also said it was because everyone loves BJ so much. They really do. Everyone wants him around all the time. Which, as the girlfriend, can make you feel like a villain really fast. And whether they mean to or not, they resent you for taking him away. Becoming so important to him, that he puts you in the position of being a priority to him. I LOVE being in that position. And because BJ is so important to so many people, it makes me feel that much better that I am in fact on his radar, and a very important part of it. I could definitely feel the stresses, and hear the whispers. I was taking the golden boy away. They miss him, I miss him...it's never easy for anybody. But that's how life works. Children grow up and start their own lives, and parents hate it. That's how it's supposed to be. ESPECIALLY when said child is like BJ. Everybody loves BJ. (Especially me) It's not just his family, his friends too. He loves me, wants to spend time with me...and I become a bad guy. It's more intense because I'm here, and there's no chance for him to feel the sting from my friends and family. Sometimes I wish he could...someday he will. Bwa-ha-ha!

Anyway, it's all good though. The first girlfriend wasn't the one for BJ, they all say that. They all say I am. BJ's mom in particular wants him around the most, and even she has really embraced the fact that I'm his future, and he's my future. She told BJ that she's seen me take care of him, and I've shown a continuing willingness to ALWAYS take care of him, and that's what let her know for sure. That really made me happy.

My mom has had doubts about BJ since day one. Sometimes she'd say wonderful things, sometimes she'd say not wonderful things. Recently however, between her conversations with BJ, and the things she's heard from me...she says she's really excited about BJ, and knows for certain he's husband material. She knows he'll take good care of me. Kelly told mom about the breathing episode, and that made her really happy. Made me really happy too! No one has really helped me through one of those things before. I was quite sick, and still very happy to know that he was taking care of me. REALLY taking care of me. I love him so much.

So anyway. Monday night was good with only a little bit of scary. Tuesday I was still sick, but we went to Auburn University employment services, and what did they tell us to do? Well, they directed us to a computer and told us to apply online. Which I had already done. No one believes me when I tell them unless you want to work at a gas station or a restaurant, most jobs want you to apply online, or come in and apply on their in store terminal. Even Caribou makes people apply online now. Isn't that hilarious? Sad, but true. Unless you have connections, you have to connect with jobs via internet. Boo.

Wednesday, (yesterday) I woke up early and got ready for BJ to come over. He arrived sometime after 9am, and I made breakfast for BJ, Kelly and I. (pancakes, bacon, and scrambled eggs) We hung out and I gave BJ some presents from Kelly...(a digital camera, the Phantom of the Opera RED DEATH costume, and the Alias first season companion book, with bonus DVD) then we hit Target, Little Caesars (Only $5 for a large pepperoni pizza all day every day!) came home and watched "Envy", then watched some Alias, and then went out to a movie. What a grand, lazy day! I loved it. Then we came back, BJ and I did our devotionals and a scripture reading, then he had to drive home, and then I went to sleep.

Which brings us to today! And there's not much to write. So bye!

Another fantastic weekend with my love! I drove down there early Saturday morning, and we spent the day together. We brought his dad breakfast, we went shopping, we came home and watched 3 episodes of Alias! Then we went to meet his Daddy for an AA "chip" celebration dinner. I enjoyed the actual being there with BJ and his father part, and the hamburgers were good...but my lungs suffered somewhat. Okay, a lot. But I think it was worth if. 3 out of every five people were smoking, so there was a lot of second hand smoke around...and with all my lung/health issues, it was interesting. I concentrated on the breathing thing, and that way I didn't have a coughing attack or anything of that nature. ANYWAY!

After that, we went on back home and BJ installed he printer disk on his computer, and his (our) laptop. I was invited to spend the night, so yay! More time with BJ. Then we went to Jake's friend Les's house, and I watched the peeps play Halo for awhile. There were seven in all playing, and I was determined to figure out how the game worked. I watched, and I watched...and I failed. Ah, well. I am so NOT video game savvy it's almost laughable. Not almost...it is.

We went back home awhile later, around 12:30am. We went to bed when we got home. The next morning was up for church! We hit the 11 o'clock traditional service, and were joined by Kelly and Benlee. After that, BJ and I headed back home to squeeze in one more episode of Alias before Little Jack's birthday party. We were successful in our mission.

The party was adorable. Elmo was there. Granted, he was seven feet tall...he traumatized all the childred present, except for little Jack. It was so adorable! I met mroe relatives and extended relatives, and relatives through marriage, and family friends. It was a really enjoyable party. BJ and I had to leave early, because he had to work at 4.

I drove on back to Opelika. When Kelly got home we assembled some household furniture, and then headed out to the movie theater to catch the last showing of "She's The Man". I love that movie...might sound jouvenile, but first of all...it's modernized Shakespeare. SECOND...Amanda Bynes is hilarious. She just is. We watched her grow up on a screen, and I just love her! "I'm a bad a** hunky dude!" Got home, talked to BJ and did our scripture reading...*love him*

Last night before I headed out to the movie, BJ called to let me know he and Kris were gonna go bowling and talk for awhile. I was really happy to hear that. Kris may not want to have anything to do with me, but that's not how I feel about him. He's really important to BJ AND to me... but he doesn't believe me, he doesn't trust me...and I'm really sad about that. My dad has told me since I was little that not everyone in this world is going to like you, and you have to learn to deal with that. I just wish I had actually DONE something to make him feel that way. The unfortunate thing, is that that just isn't the case. It drives me crazy, because I can't fix it. I can't MAKE him like me. He would rather know, embrace, and believe in the version of me that he invisions...that person he's portrayed doesn't even exist.

BJ has decided not to keep Kris and I apart, and see each person separately. He told Kris he wants him to accept me, because "Corrie is THE ONE for me, and she's always going to be here..." But again, I live in Opelika. So technically Kris can see BJ anytime, and I probably wouldn't be there. I'm sure he's happy about that. I cherish and encourage Kris and BJ's friendship...I just wish I could be a part of it. Not the villian, or the enemy, or anything like that. I always said I didn't come between Kris and BJ...but I did. I really did. THe only thing is though...I didn't put me in the middle, Kris did. I'm trying to take myself out. But I don't want to be an outsider. ANYWAY! Enough of that. It's always the same inner argument. No one is listening except me.

Which brings us to today. I woke Kelly up at 9 am, and after my morning chat with BJ she and I went for a walk with the doggies. We came home, made some smoothies, and set to work on DVD organization, bathroom stuff...etc etc. Lots of moving things about. I guess I'll write more when I have more to write about!

Later!

C'est moi!

The move was successful. The apartment looks nice. There have been different...situations. Everything is pretty okay. I'm just glad she made it here safely. Darla has Cody again. Cody likes to pee on Darla. Just like old times.

I get to spend the majority of my weekend with BJ. Very nice... I love him so much. Tomorrow is his nephew/God son's birthday party. We went and bought him some Elmo DVDs today. I also picked up a baby shower gift for Joy.

Life is good. Life is interesting. BJ's computer has been repaired! I'm using it right now...and that's why I'm gonna go now. Because I'd rather be talking to him!

BYE!

Kelly arrives today. It will be good. BJ is coming over tonight. I can't wait! Last night there was really bad weather. I've never minded storms before, but...this time it was different. Seek shelter...not very comforting words when you're all by yourself. Cody was a nervous wreck. We survived.

I didn't get much sleep, but ah well. It will be my turn to fall asleep BEFORE BJ for once. I think he's going to have an interesting day today, after a conversation he's supposed to have. I hope it all goes well.

Last night he had a conversation that was not so good, but...hopefully that situation will get better too. I wish I could get rid of the problems I was born with, but unfortunately that's beyond my control.

I'm not making sense, and I don't have to! It's my journal, so ha!

Bye!

Your Career Type: Artistic

You are expressive, original, and independent. Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art. You would make an excellent: Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer Dancer - DJ - Graphic Designer Illustrator - Musician - Sculptor The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary.

What's Your Ideal Career?

Well, duh! I knew that already. But don't know about the DJ or dancer thing...ah, well!

Hello! I had a fantastic weekend. On top of that, Kelly gets here tomorrow, along with Darla! Cody gets his wife back. I wonder how he feels about that...hmmm...

ANYWAY! I think I will now tell you about my weekend. It was good. I had true uninhibited fun for the first time in a long time. So! BJ was here Thursday night, and then he left a little after 1pm on Friday. It was determined shortly after that, that I would drive to Montgomery Friday night instead of Saturday morning (because I was going to BJ's cousin's wedding with him on Saturday) so we got extra time together!

I got there a little after nine pm, and then BJ and I watched "What Lies Beneath" while dining on some pizza. HIs mom was on her way home from another wedding, BJ's dad and Lauren were visiting Jake, who had recently returned from Pakistan. So it was just the two of us for a little while.

We went to bed shortly after that. The next day, Saturday...we hit McDonald's for breakfast, and then whipped out Alias season 4. We watched about 3 episodes. Quality time with Sydney Bristow and friends. After that, we watched stuff about the Disney Cruise line on the travel channel. I loved pointing out all my favorite parts to BJ. He can't wait to go with me someday. I love that ship. I'm telling ya. It's fantastic. I can't wait to look out at the romantic sunset while standing on the boat deck and NOT be by myself, wishing BJ were there. It will be spectacular.

We then got ready for his cousin Misty's wedding. We took our time, and therefore barely made it to the wedding on time. It was a beautiful ceremony. I would sneek glances at BJ every once in awhile. I loved being there with him. BJ's mom was on my other side, and she leaned over and said "That's gonna be you two one day!" and she told me later she kept picturing that it was me and BJ. Cute! Can't wait.

The reception was beautiful, and tons of wonderful food. I talked bunches with his cousin Joy. She's so funny, and just so...I really like her. She has such a healthy attitude about every difficulty she is facing right now with her pregnancy. She's so strong. I really admire her.

Later on, I met the bride's father, Uncle Byron. I had spoken to him a few times on the phone, and he told me when he met me, he and I were going to dance together. He had heard so much about me, and how I was perfect for BJ, and how happy I had made him...so he wanted to dance with me. I met him the first time at the reception, and he gave me a hug and was holding onto my hands, and said "Finally. Welcome to Alabama! And welcome to the family. I'm so happy you're here. So happy!"

No dance there. I had mentioned to BJ 'I'm not dancing with him!'--but I didn't think he was serious in the first place. Pretty soon after that, people were filtering out. BJ was expressing his disappointment that the bride and groom had not tossed the bouquet/garter. He had wanted he and I to catch them. He told his mom that, and she grinned and was like "Does that mean you want to be the next to be married?" and he just grinned and put his arm around me.

Shortly after that, I was standing next to Debra and uncle Byron. BJ went to go talk to his aunt Diane. Suddenly Uncle Byron handed his punch glass to Debra, and turned toward me. He put one arm around my waist, and we were suddenly dancing. "Let's see how Miss Minnesota can move!" I laughed, and the wedding photographer started snapping pictures. "Smooth!" said Uncle Byron. It was so cute.

We went home shortly after that. I was in such a goofy mood. BJ and I were in his room, and Debra came in and asked BJ if he could write her a blank check for groceries. He said that would be like suicide. She told him he would be paid back, and that he could tell her how much she would be able to spend. I was so out of it. I said "Five dollars. You can buy butter. And you can buy milk. And you can make...buttermilk." We all laughed about it a little too long, and a little too hard.

BJ and I drove to the ATM to give his mom cash instead. Then he and I went to Lifeway (A Christian store) and had fun picking things out for our future home. We're both excited about the "lighthouse room". Yes! We spent about an hour in there I think. Then we went to Books-A-Million for a little bit. After that, we headed to the movie theater. YES!

We saw "She's The Man" a modernization of Shakespeare's 'Twelfth Night' starring Amanda Bynes. It was hilarious! BJ and I really enjoyed it. After that, home again. We watched one of my silly home videos. BJ fell asleep, so I 'put him to bed' and then camped out on the couch.

Sunday morning, BJ came in and woke me up around 8am for church. We both woke up on the couch a couple hours later. Hahaha! Sadly, we missed church. We woke up and caught up on devotionals after eating some breakfast. Then we ran a couple errands for Mom, picking up some complimentary Zaxby's on the way home. We ate lunch, and then BJ was off to work, and I was off to Opelika.

Sounds like a simple weekend, but it was one of the best of my life. I'm so happy to be happy. I love you, BJ.

BYE!

Your Irish Name Is...

Isobel O'Neill

What's your Irish Name?

Cool! I didn't know I could do those things in here! But I never really tried. Happy Birthday Jamison! You're the best little brother I've ever had!!

In other news, life is grand. God has been working so much in my life, and it all seemed to become clear in one day. I've been having a lot of doubts and fears lately about a lot of things, and with God's help, I figured out what everything was stemming from. It's so funny how everything can become so CLEAR so FAST!

BJ came over last night, and it was just...*sigh*. There was no tension, no things left unsaid, everything was out in the open...and the "problems" I thought were there before were so insignificant. I had mentioned in here earlier that something has changed in our relationship and I couldn't figure out what it was. Well, with God's help I did. Everything feels so good now. SO GOOD!

I know I sound a little cryptic, but I don't think I could properly explain what I mean if I wanted to. Just know that I'm happy now. FINALLY! I'm always happy to be with BJ...but now I'm happy inside and out, and that's a huge deal to me. I kept getting teary eyed last night...out of pure joy. I just couldn't believe how easy it all was. I finally accomplished something that I've always had trouble with. I let go and let GOD. I needed to do it a long time ago, but I was so so so scared of everything. Blaming anything and everyone for any minor detail that may assist me in my pity party. Just like the commercials say...depression hurts everyone. I'm so glad it's over.

I think I'm going to leave it at that now. I'm really starting to embrace the fact that I didn't leave my life behind, I just decided to start another one. A good one! Time to start living it.

I AM SO IN LOVE! And finally I can just nestle up with that fact and get cozy. I'm not scared anymore. Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, thank you! Last night also, real quick I must say...BJ and I experienced an awesome little exchange of
dialogue". Primarily BJ...so you should click on the link to the right and read his latest journal entry.

I love you all! Write me a letter! ...please?

ME!

Your attention, please. I have added another link to an old favortite. Fan Fiction Etc. Was the fan fiction site that belonged to Kelly and I. It's so fun to go back and look at! So if you feel like reading about our old obsessions, please. Go for it! Enjoy!

I have a new layout! It's pretty! It's green. Anyway.

I need to get better. In more ways than five methinks. I'm having difficulties in too many areas. I need to cut down on problems. I wish that were easier. Blah blah blah blah blah.

SO! I love love letters. I used to dream of love letters when I was little. I wrote myself love letters and hide them in my desk at school to make the boys in my elementary school jealous. I was such a little...gosh. I was funny. ANYWAY! I love love letters. I re-read some from BJ recently, and sometimes I find it hard to believe that they were actually written to me. It's funny. They're so wonderful, I feel like I wrote them to myself! One of my favorites is the card BJ gave me with a bouquet of roses.

"To the woman who made my heart beat for the first time..."

*CHILLS*-- my Prince Charming. Anyway. I just felt like gushing a bit. I've noticed myself slipping back into some old habits. Things Kelly used to continually criticize me for. My own form of self mutilation, relationship sabotage. Every once in awhile, I find myself doing it with BJ. Sometimes he deserves my "complaints"... but. Something is just different, and I think that it has a lot to do with the move. Something is missing. But not love. Nope, nope, nope.

I'm scared of everything, and I know it. At least I admit it. Sometimes people don't want to know if you're scared, though. In high school I always got told how I was so admired because of my strength. Nothing phased me. At least not on the outside. My choir director gave me an award at the end of the year. She calls them the "Dymit Awards" (Her last name) and she makes them up. Some things are really stupid, such as the award for the longest note held, or something like that. I got the last award, and the loudest applause. I kept the certificate. It says "For her spirit, strength and courage. We can all learn from her." If only they knew how messed up I was at the time. But maybe that's what strength is. Not being so transparent. I worked so hard on the walls thing, and BJ wanted them to disappear. I wonder if he regrets that...

ANYWAY. Enough for now. I need to focus on the good. I can't wait to see BJ tonight. I'll feel so much better. Get out of my head bad, crippling thoughts!

IN other news, I received a belated Christmas gift from Nikki in the mail the other day. I LOVE getting mail! (hint hint) So! If you want it, I will gladly give you my new address.

Kelly is going to be here soon. I can't wait. It's gonna be so much better. I will have a best friend aside from BJ, and stop driving everybody crazy. I'm driving myself crazy. BAH!

I love you all. Especially you. And YOU are the greatest. You're wonderful. Hehehe. BYE!

Me

Hello friends. Still not feeling completely complete, but my attitude is better. I'm excited to see BJ tomorrow. Saturday is his cousin's wedding, so that will be more family meeting fun. And then Tuesday Kelly gets here. I'm trying really hard to have a brighter view of things. I know it's been tough on BJ too. Tougher on me, but still. Even Elke said when I'm unhappy, I bring people down. I hate hearing that, but I know it's true. Here's my official apology: I'm sorry for my contagious sadness. I really am.

So! I talked to Kelly and my mom last night. My mom is sending me clothes for the wedding, because all of my nice clothes mysteriously disappeared. I have no idea what happened to them. I talked to Kelly about apartment supplies. She has EVERYTHING I want except a toilet brush, and a toaster. Dang.

Well, I guess I don't have as much to say as I thought I did. Oh, well. I'm sure I'll make up for it later. Farewell, friends.

Me

TRUTH BE TOLD. I am sick. Again. I spent the majority of the night in the bathroom. I am miserable. I'm so tired of feeling not good. Before...I know I was depressed. Depression opens the gates to illness. That was my fault. But having been in it and coming out of it before, at least I can recognize it. I only fell deeply once or twice. I didn't stay in it for weeks at a time like before.

I came online with the hopes of finding a distraction. I always love hearing from back home. That always lifts my spirits. I got to hear from my Amber, and Sunnie sent some more pictures.

My head won't stop pounding. It gets a little better every day, but I've never had a 3-day headache before. It MUST be hormonal. Birth control withdrawal? I dunno. It was prescribed for me years ago, but I have no more health insurance at the moment.

BJ said his Aunt is going to get it for me for free (female issues...too many of them.) that's one of the promises he made before I moved down here. There were a lot of those promises flying around when I would express my concerns. Apparently, I'm going to have the meds by Saturday. I explained to BJ last night that I didn't mean to harass him about it. (Because he had said he didn't want to be so pushy with his aunt) and I didn't want to push his aunt, but it's a little more than a little important. Had I known this wasn't as "taken care of" as I was lead to believe, I may have waited in moving. I put it into perspective though. It's not just my problem, (since we plan to be married) without the medication we may not be able to have children in the future. Funny problem, huh? Without birth control, I can't get pregnant. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

I can't get rid of this headache. I can't really look at the computer screen. I tried, I failed. If there are a lot of typos, forgive me. I didnt check. Thank you to those who write to me. Takes the edge off the pain. I'm okay though. I'm afraid I won't be better until I have the meds, though. If this headache is what I think it is. And it's not just a headache...it's...well, I thought I had caught the flu from BJ last night. I felt really sick. I hope I am wrong. I think I was wrong...but I can't tell the difference right now.

Oh, it's gonna be a long week if I'm right about the meds. Good glory. Save me.

ME!

I drove to Montgomery yesterday (Sunday) for church. I love BJ. Unfortunately, Saturday night BJ's computer officially died. I told him I would make sure Kelly brings my laptop down, and BJ can use that. Lauren bogged his computer down with teen trap web viruses, even though she was told not to go to those certain sites. It completely ate his computer, erased Windows completely and everything he had stored on it.

Anyway, church was fun. It was a sermon BJ and I both needed to hear, about how God can work in your life no matter where you are, or what you have. In our devotions, BJ and I just finished the book of Joshua, and move onto Judges tonight.

So, after church BJ and I went back to his house for lunch, but his mom was asleep so we went to A&W instead. I had a headache, and thought it was because I hadn't eaten anything. So, I ate. Probably too fast, but I ate. Hoping it would be better.

Then we went to Shakespeare to take some pictures to send home. I was feeling a little weird, and I felt bad...because he wanted to walk around and explore, and I was feeling too dizzy.

After that we went to the RAVE movie theater to see "Failure to Launch". It was really funny, and headache/sickness aside, I really enjoyed it. I love hearing BJ's laugh. I really really love that. After the movie we went to get transmission fluid for my car, then we went home. My head was throbbing, and I felt absolutely disgusting. BJ took good care of me. He returned the favor. Fortunately I didn't have what he had, but I felt nasty. I still do...

We watched the re-make of "Yours, Mine, and Ours" (I love the original) and I just kept hoping to feel better. I ended up staying over night. I left and drove home this morning, and I am so glad to not be in a car. I thought about turning around and going back, but no one was home and that would probably be an unwelcome dilemma.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna go stick my head in the freezer for awhile. I think it's a hormone thing because of...medication cycles. I don't know. Ergh. I'm tired of feeling so gross. So sick all the time. Turns me into an evil troll, who says leave me alone and take care of me at the same time. Grouchy happy crabby joyous sour weird. That's me.

Bye

Just a short post today I think. Tuesday night I decided to cook for BJ. I spent most of my money on it, I had been planning it since Friday, I was excited. BUT... when BJ got there, I had everything ready, and he suddenly wasn't feeling well. Turns out he had gotten a nasty flu virus from Lauren, and spent all night in the bathroom, completely miserable. I was so scared. I stayed up all night with him, trying my absolute best to take care of him. I didn't feel like I was doing enough.

He got a bit of sleep in between 6am-8am...then stayed awake for about an hour, and then slept some more. I was too scared to sleep. I was tired enough to sleep deeply, but I was afraid something would happen to him and I wouldn't wake up.

To make a very long story very short, he's better now. I wish I could have done more. I love him with all my heart.

Me

Oh yeah, by the way. Anybody want some semi-famous homemade enchiladas? How about some beans? Spanish rice? Well...it's all in the fridge my friends. All in the fridge...

BJ! I updated MY journal. Now it's YOUR turn. Bwa-ha-ha. Kidding...maybe. Actually I'm not. Do I talk about you too much in here? Maybe I do...do you think people get sick of it? I don't like sick people. Bah! I'm terrible. I am sick people. Anyway. I love you, I'm not ashamed. Being here in Alabama, you naturally are a part of every story. I don't know enough people to have stories aside from you quite yet. Not complete stories, anyway. ANYWAY! I've had a song stuck in my head for about a week now. I think mayhaps I shall write part of it down, just for giggles and what not. Ya think?

Cool. I will do that. I enjoy lyrics, I do I do! (I also believe in fairies...) Oh! And I had something to tell Kelly. Momentary pause whilst I think of it...nope I simply can't recall. Oh well. The song then!

Shout out to the brothers Hanson!!

A Minute Without You (snippets of, anyway)

...When the minutes seem like hours
And the hours seem like days
When a week goes by
You know it takes my breath away
All the minutes in the world could never take your place
There's one thousand four hundred forty hours
In my day


...well I can't keep myself from thinking 'bout you
It's because I love you and I know that's it's true, yeah
Call it desperation, can't you see it in my eyes?
That I want to be with you
Until the sun falls from the skies!

Oh so appropriate bubble gum, dontcha think? Gotta love it! Anyway...2 entries in one day! I'm SMOKIN! Later taters!

Me

All right. I intend to keep my no whining promise for as long as possible. Ahem. So! Was that last entry from Friday? Yes. Pretty sure it was. So I lived out the rest of the day, waiting somewhat patiently for BJ to call when he got off work. (Can't help it, I just LOVE him!) He called awhile after he did, telling me a story about how his dad had borrowed his truck, but hadn't returned it by the time he got off work, and so it was missing.

ANYWAY. He eventually said he had to go because he was pulling up to Winn- Dixie to buy himself some drinks. So, I reluctantly said goodbye and hung up. I was watching Peter Pan (the live action movie from a couple years ago.) After awhile, one of my theories started to develop in my head.

Here's what you have to know about my theories/fantasies. I have a theory about my theories. No matter what they are...any scenario I come up with in my head...if I've thought of it, that completely eliminates the possibility of it really happening. Sound silly? Well it's the truth. Nothing I predict ever happens. I come up with entire scenarios, and most of them bad...so I can just stop it from taking place. Anyway. BJ was at the store, and I developed a theory.

I thought to myself... "Self that is me, Corrie...why would BJ not be able to talk to me in the grocery store? I had heard that he was in his truck and asked where he was going. I've got it self! BJ didn't want you to know how LONG he was in his truck, so he said he had to go! But he didn't...he's on his way here to surprise you! YES!"

And then I got mad at me for sabotaging possibility. Now I had completely erased the scenario from possible occurence. That's when I started to pray. "Please, God. Please please please let me be right this time. Please let me be right. I need to see him so badly. Please, please, please..."

About an hour passed after that, and I was still praying. I scolded myself for being stupid. Just because you don't hear from BJ for over an hour means nothing! That's BJ. But still...I was hopeful. I ran to the bathroom and brushed my teeth just in case. Then I told myself I was stupid again. I waited, and waited. Holding the phone in my hand whilst I watched Peter Pan (that's my poem for the day) waiting and saying my little prayers. Suddenly, I heard a car pull up into the parking lot. I immediately jumped up and peeked through the blinds. IT WAS BJ!!!! I WAS RIGHT!!! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY WHOLE LIFE!!!

So, I literally jumped up and down and did a happy dance. BJ called my cell phone, pretending that he wasn't really there. I played along. He asked my plans for the night, and I couldn't wait. I opened the door, and there he was! The most wonderful sight I had ever seen! (Again...because I always feel that way when I go for a while without seeing him. No matter how small the while is...)

After our little reunion, we went up to visit Benlee and chatted for a bit. Then we went back down and watched "The Last Of The Mohicans". Good movie. I love it. SO! Friday ended up being really good. I had an excellent night.

Saturday I was still sick, but more with lung issues than sugar week issues I think. Benlee brought me breakfast from Chik-fil-A, and chai from Starbucks. What a sweetheart! I loved it. I spent the day organizing my stuff again, and going through some old video footage.

Sunday, Benlee was kind enough to drive to Montgomery so I could go to church with BJ. Benlee joined us, and I think it was a good sermon for Benlee to hear! He and Kelly will be looking for their own church, I hear. The sermon was about what the book of Acts says a church SHOULD be.

After church, BJ treated Benlee and I to Tenda- Chick (everything down here is chicken) and it was really good! We sat for a couple hours just chatting away. It was fun. Benlee got to hear all about my teachers from highschool. (since he IS one...I guess he could appreciate those stories more than most)

After lunch, we went to the mall to look for a couple movies. Sam Goody and Suncoast are closing there, and those are BJ's favorite stores. He ended up getting two he's been wanting for a long time. He was a happy boy. After the mall, BJ and I went to the nursing home to visit a friend of his, Georgia. She was very sweet. She told me BJ picked a good one (meaning me). She was so sweet. She smacked him around a few times about school. That was cute...

After that, BJ and I came back to my apartment and finished up Alias season 3. One more season to go, and then we've got to wait for the 5th and final season. Sad, sad, sad. We do love it so.

I guess that's it for now. Life's not without troubles, but if it was, it wouldn't be life, right? I'm hoping to feel like myself again within the next couple days. Parts of me wish I coud just sit in the closet and not move until Kelly gets here. Is that stupid? I don't think so. BJ can come sit in the closet with me.

More later! Bye now.

Me

So I'm still pretty sick. Last night was the worst of it. BJ called after he got off work. He talked to me for a little while, and then he had to go "eat dinner" ---which usually consists of a couple hours watching TV with the family..whatever. Usually I just wait patiently, but I felt really really sick, and I just wanted to hear him. I kept having mini coughing attacks. I sat on the bathroom floor for awhile. The bad thing I hate happened...where you cough so hard for so long, that instead of just hacking stuff up, you make yourself sick. Reverse ham sandwich...not so yummy.

Benlee had called while I was sitting in the bathroom. His message said to call him for anything. But honestly? I knew nothing would help. Nothing outside of what I'm used to, anyway. I had told BJ I felt "really not good"... but I guess that didn't connect. He said he would try to get through with "dinner" as soon as he could. Almost two hours later...

I was mad, because I was jealous. He has his family. I thought about begging him to come and stay with me last night. There are some things only boyfriends can do, like hold you in their arms until you fall asleep. When he called back I was so upset and exhausted, that I blurted out something I didn't even know was on my mind. "I WANT TO GO HOME". He was quiet, and I apologized. I said I didn't mean it. I still don't know if I did. Technically there's no "home" to go home to anyway. My room is dad's new office.

We talked everything over again. Everything is always the same. I feel bad, and then he feels bad, and then I feel bad for making him feel bad. I know it will all turn out all right, but none of it happened like I had planned.

BJ is it for me. I know I'm supposed to be with him for the rest of my life. He's my one. My one and only. Last night he was talking about our future. A future I can fully trust and believe in, because FINALLY I know it's really going to happen. I just wish the future was NOW, ya know?

I keep thinking I made a mistake. Not a mistake in being with him, no no. But I left my world to be with BJ. To BE with BJ, not see him once or twice a week for a few hours. That probably sounds selfish...but I think I deserve to be selfish after all the waiting for everything and everybody. It's my turn!

I wish I would have tried harder...pushed people harder to help me stay in Montgomery. I asked Kelly to live in Montgomery...but I completely understood why both she and Benlee wanted Kelly in Opelika. I gave up Montgomery because Opelika is easy. Benlee is taking care of everything he can, and I am so grateful. Unfortunately it's just awkward. Just like I could never spend tons of time with Paul without Sunnie. Benlee is a great guy! But Benlee is Kelly's boyfriend. Kelly gets to live in the same building as he does. Kelly gets to see him every day for the rest of her life. I feel like it was my turn, my time to do that. I shouldn't complain. I got 6 weeks.

Benlee says he's grateful to me for making this sacrifice. BJ is grateful to me for making the sacrifice to move down here in the first place. I'm grateful to both of them for everything they've done. I just wish it were different. I wish it were different...I wish, I wish, I wish. Enough wishes. Time for my fairy tale ending...

Okay. That's it, I'm done complaining about it. I promise. No more. I'll get over it. Good things come to those who wait. I waited and prayed forever to find BJ...so another forever is nothing to wait for my happily ever after, right? Right. I'll start chanting that in my sleep and soon I'll start believing it. This is the last time I'm gonna whine like a little kid and say it.... IT'S NOT FAIR!!! WAAAAAAAAAA! NOOOOO!!!!!! ...ahem. Okay. I'm done now.

I miss you. Who, you ask? All of you. I feel disconnected from everything I've ever known. "Misery, is what I feel when you're not around, so I can't heal...Misery is what I feel, it's what I feel..." Go Scottie boy Moffatt man. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Peace

Me

I am ill. Girls are cursed. Forgive me for bringing it up, but come on! Poor, poor girls. Especially those of us cursed twice as much by certain additional "female problems". They make me sick. Literally. Curses be to sugar week! Every month, I get the attitude that states ; if I could stop being a girl, I would RIGHT NOW!. But then I rationalize, and think...no no no. Then I'd have to be a gay man. And I don't want that. No. And since BJ isn't a gay man either, it just wouldn't work.

I know, I know. I'm beyond help. But seriousy. Awake half the night. I've been on the couch all day, so I decided to sort of stretch and walk all the way up here...one floor up, I'm telling you. It's rough. I don't think I'll last long vertically. But something to keep my mind of the pain/dizziness/nausea...oh yes. My blog!

So I've been having a rough time, no doubt. I miss my family, I miss BJ...he came to visit me for a while yesterday. I blinked and he was gone. I hate that. In bed at night I sometimes find myself wishing I had never moved to Alabama. Then I think of all the times I felt completely miserable in Minnesota! I then came to realize I would be unhappy either way. I guess I just have to find out which one is worse. I don't like being miserable...duh.

So that's that. Not much has changed, I guess. This is a bad week. Forgive me ahead of time. And Sugar week never lasts 1 week. Usually it's almost always two. Cursed, cursed, cursed. I quit...I wish. I wish I had something better to write about. But no... the couch calls.

I miss my family. I hope I get to see them soon.

Bonjour!

I can't help but feel a little bit French being in Benlee's apartment. It's fun though! Anyway! So I moved to Opelika. It is a very nice apartment. Different from Benlee's, so I'm looking forward to Kelly's reaction. True, it's the same floor plan, but the actual floors are different, and the bathroom is different....everything is brighter and more feminine. Makes sense, since Benlee's apartment is a true bachelor pad. Seriously, it's cute! All the food he has is either cereal, or can be made in the microwave.

My apartment downstairs has a brand new stove! Kelly and I are both very excited about that. We'll be cooking soon.

I moved in on Saturday, today is Tuesday. No running water yet, but that was because no $ for deposit, and Benlee the knight is taking care of all that. We (Kelly, BJ, myself) have been so blessed with Benlee. Thank you GOD! Your plan is awesome.

So in other news...living alone is trying, since it's the first time. Kelly hasn't even lived completely alone before. But...it's kinda like Benlee is my roommate. I see him all the time. That helps a lot. I really do miss BJ though. I got so spoiled seeing him every day for six weeks. After having a long distance relationship, I was just so happy to be able to see him whenever I wanted. To visit him at work...it was just so wonderful. It still IS wonderful, I just might only get to see him once or twice a week. I'm still hoping there's a way for me to keep my Sunday mornings with him. As a couple, we want to attend church together. It really strengthens our mutual relationship with Christ. ALONG with our daily devotionals we do. I'm finally starting to feel a lot closer to God. He's blessed BJ and I both so much.

Kelly will be here in a couple weeks, and hopefully by then I'll have a job and a routine. If not...to be honest, I'm really enjoying this much needed time off. I loved being with BJ's family, but there was always so much drama in and out of that house, I started to feel like a nutcase. I'm appreciating the quiet. That was hard at first, but...I'm getting used to it. And since I haven't slept in about a week, my body is a little angry with me. I'm still a night owl, but I CAN actually fall asleep now. Maybe because Cody loves twin size beds and is now curling up by me again. He slept on the floor the whole time we lived with BJ. Well, that's also because he LOVES BJ. He would sleep on the bed with BJ, but not with me. Little poop...nah. Cody is OUR doggie. BJ takes good care of him. Probably better than I do. They have races down the street. BJ usually beats the old man, but I think Cody beat him once or twice.

So I guess that's about it for now. I thought I should write an entry since I actually DID something, and should probably record it. Life is calm now. No more headaches...unless I mess my neck up. But I guess I was referring to the metaphoric headaches...yeah. Most of those are gone now. I think, I hope, I pray. So that's that!

I'm off to go do something else. I don't know what yet, but my eyes are starting to reject Benlee's computer monitor. It's an odd one...

Bye for now friends of mine! Contact me or something....*sniff* I miss you.

ME!

Me and my Baby

I have a lot to learn. I have to learn to let go. I have to learn to forget. I have to learn how to not think about a past I wasn't even a part of. I need to stop obsessing. I need to learn to be happy. I'm really bad at letting myself be happy.

Remember way back when to the beginning of this journal when I flooded it with Nick Carter lyrics? Some of them are just so perfect. I think I shall begin again! Yes. I will. As cheesy teeny bopper as it sounds, I still love Nick Carter's album. Speaking of the BSB, Brian is AWESOME! Brian Littrell, ladies and gentlemen. He's got a new single out entitled "In Christ Alone". My beloved BJ was amazing enough to download it as a ringtone. I love my baby!

So anyway. Back to lyrics. I think the one I have selected for today is just downright perfect. Enjoy! (Especially you)

"Help Me"

I wish I could define
All the thoughts that crossed my mind
They seem too big for me to choose
I don't know which ones to lose
When I'm falling down so far
I think I'll never see your light
Bouncing off of me
Shining down here from your eyes

Help me
Figure out the difference
Between right and wrong
Weak and strong
Day and night
Where I belong and
Help me
Make the right decisions
Know which way to turn
Lessons to learn
And just what my purpose is here

It's like I got the signals crossed
With messages I can't decode
Half asleep, never wide awake
And I'm in complete overload
I got so much information here
And nothing I can really grasp
I should know the truth
But I'm too afraid so I have to ask

Help me
Figure out the difference
Between right and wrong
Weak and strong
Day and night
Where I belong and
Help me
Make the right decisions
Know which way to turn
Lessons to learn
And just what my purpose is here

Wanna know you
More than anything
I need you
In my every dream, you're there for me
Do you love me?
For who I am, no angel
Just an ordinary (wo)man

Help me figure out why I'm stuck in the middle
Trying to understand why I can't
Why you're such a riddle
Got my eyes crossed
I'm thinking so hard and I know I'm missing the mark
Can you help me sort out
All this information
I'm just rackin' my brain, baby
Paying attention
But I'm still lost
And at all costs
I gotta know

So! What's up? Oh yeah. That's my question to answer. Let's see. What happened first? Oh, yeah! Valentine's Day! It was wonderful. It came in stages. First BJ brought me a balloon decorated with roses and fluttering butterflies attached to the outside. Then he had to go back to work. THEN he brought me three beautiful red roses in a vase with a red bow around it that said "I love you" everywhere.

That was when he came home that evening, and I was already dressed and ready. He got dressed in a suit and tie. (A Winnie The Pooh tie with hearts. It was so cute!!) We hung around for a bit, and then it was off to dinner!

BJ had made reservations for us at Dabbo's, a restaurant he had actually done some valet parking for a few times. They had a delicious Valentine's Menu. There were four choices, with no prices listed. (But c'mon. It was Valentine's Day, it was really nice, it was expensive. But it was SOOOO good!)

They had the cutest little boy dressed up in a tux giving roses to all the ladies. BJ has the sweetest, most intense stare sometimes. He would look at me from across the table, and I could hardly breathe. I would whisper 'what'? And he would just look at me and say "I love you." Oh my gosh! I melted.

After dinner, we stopped at his friend Aaron's house. It was really nice meeting another one of BJ's friends. Aaron is so funny. I really enjoyed meeting him.

After THAT, we went to Huntingdon to visit Nicole. She gave me a yellow rose. Aww! We chatted for awhile, and BJ pretended to be a CIA agent. I told him he wasn't quite convincing enough with the Winnie the Pooh tie. He was so funny though! Huntingdon has as a security entrance, and you have to push a button to get out. That was BJ the misplaced CIA agent's job.

So that was Valentine's Day! Lots of hugs and kisses. I had a wonderful time. It was perfect. I love you, BJ!

The days after that have been filled with packing, cleaning, arranging...I've been helping his mom Debra organize stuff so everything looks good for the bridal shower she's throwing here on Saturday. That just happens to be the same day I move out. Hehehe! Hopefully. Did I mention that? Probably. But if not...I'm moving to Opelika, Alabama on the 25th. Kelly will be joining me there on the 19th! Her boyfriend, Benlee lives upstairs from us, and he's helping us out BIG TIME!

The whole move thing has me excited AND terrified. I like being alone, I do. But being with BJ every day, and then not being with him at all, that can be a struggle. It will probably be good for us, but I'm still worried. I'm also worried about finding a job. That's always hard, and even harder when you don't really know where you are. I guess we'll see what happens.

In other news, I've gotten BJ addicted to so many things I love! Probably at the top of the list is ALIAS. We've watched almost three seasons in less than a month. What else does he love? My favorite drink! Half lemonade, and half lemon/lime soda. (Sprite, Sierra Mist, etc...) Also, my favorite snack, Clementines! They don't really exist here, but he works at a grocery store, and special ordered himself 4 crates. It was splendid! He's so funny. Especially about Alias. He fits it in whenever possible. No matter how tired he is, he can fit in another episode. It's fun re-watching them all. So much happens in that show, that it's impossible to remember everything!

Well, anyway. Life is good. I really miss my family, but I love being with BJ. I've got my Cody, and soon Kelly and Darla will be here too. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but Cairo has officially become Jamie's doggie. That was really really tough, but overall that is the best decision for the puppy. Let's just leave it at that. Cairo's happy, Jamie's happy...I feel like I lost, but hey. At least I gave him an excellent name.

So that's it for now, more later! G'bye!

ME

It's been awhile, hasn't it? There are so many times I've sat down to update in here, but instead I just...don't. Maybe because I feel like I have nothing to write about? No, I always have something to write about. Maybe it's because I don't want to write about the things I have to write about. That's probably what it is.

So I live in Alabama. Everything is pretty much how I expected it to be. Today is Valentine's Day. My first one, really. It should be fun.

I have a lot I want to write about...I think it will have to wait until tomorrow. We shall see. Later then...

Just have to take a moment to tell you a little bit about my day yesterday. I apologize if I spell the names wrong.

I awake yesterday morning to a young child's voice, in the kitchen behind my wall. I was confused. I heard the cutest little voice with the cutest little southern drawl saying :

"Uncle Jack! What are you doin?"

BJ's dad replied graciously, "Why, I'm makin' me some coffee."

"Uncle Jack! You always makin' coffee!"

I giggled to myself, as I got out of bed, went to the bathroom, followed by my usual routine of convincing Cody to jump up on BJ's stomach. I asked BJ who was here, and he said "My cousin Rhonda, and her daughter Cheyenne." We went out to say hello, and I saw one of the CUTEST little girls I have ever seen in my entire life. Golden curls, and incredibly long eyelashes. I was told she had just turned three in November.

The morning went on, and suddenly I found myself babysitting the brilliant child. She was the smartest thing I had ever seen/heard. Suddenly, she declared "I have to go poo-poo!" So, I escorted the little beauty to the bathroom. BJ made sure I didn't mind. I reminded him that I had done it a million times.

On the way there, Cheyenne grabbed a teddy bear. She dropped her pants once we reached the bathroom, and placed the bear gently on the floor beside the toilet. She hoisted herself up, and began the painful pushing. I sat on the edge of the tub to offer soothing comfort. Her pushing wasn't working. In near panic, she looked up at me and BJ and cried out "Can ya'll get some more teddy bears?" I couldn't help but laugh.

After pushing and pushing, she finally succeeded. She wrinkled her nose, and in the cutest, littlest voice ever, she whispered "Can ya'll smell it?" I laughed harder...BJ excused himself. She kept sniffing the air.

I can smell it. It smells. Yes. I can." After she wiped herself clean and jumped off the potty, she flushed the toilet, and waved goodbye sadly to her little poo-poo. "You're gone now." She sighed. "You were a nice one."

The little sweetheart offered endless entertainment for the rest of the day. She even performed her own personal rendition of "Shake Your Groove Thang" complete with an accidental strip-tease. I'm telling you...she's one of a kind. Barely three years old. Kelly would be madly in love with her.

Well that's all for now! Talk to you later!

Corrie

Hey Ya'll!

So, I've been in Alabama for a week now. My clothes are still in suitcases. I've got nowhere else to put them. Funny, huh? Not really. Everything is okay so far. I've tried to get over my paranoia about being a total burden, and in the way...I just can't shake the feeling.

I'm having a lot of fun with my new family, but I really miss my siblings and my parents. I miss my brother's insanely loud guitar amps. I miss Sunnie's random home appearances. I miss Kelly's enthusiasic broadway ramblings when she would come to visit me at the brothers Dunn. I miss being a frequent name in her journal entries. I am sad. But I'm still happy.

I keep wondering if I made the wrong decision. I really don't think I did, I just think my overall timing was bad. Oh, well. I've got BJ. He keeps my head out of the bad stuff most times. And I've got my Cody. I should be okay.

Write more some other time! Time for Devotions with BJ with our COuples devotional Bible. What a great story that is...to be told at another time.

Peace.

Over and out

SUP!

Well, a few things have happened, I guess. I live in Alabama now! Hehe. Guess that's something all right. It was a nice drive...I drove a total of 58 miles. BJ did the rest. I'm here now, and I'm job searching. Everything is good! Different, but good.

One of my biggest stresses about moving here was the puppy. I love Cairo! I'm crazy about him. But Cody...sheesh. Nothing can compare. I was dreading Cairo's cries in the night. There's nowhere to stash him here where no one can hear him. I was worried about what would happen to him if I left the house. He'd make a mess, crap everywhere, tear something to shreds, and BJ's family would have to take care of it. I hated that idea. SO...

A few days before I left, my mom made a confession. She had fallen in love with Cairo and wanted to keep him. I secretly wanted to leave him home...just for a little while! I am madly in love with that little fur ball. So mom is raising Cairo through the crazy puppy years, and when I get a place of my own, I retrieve my doggie. HOWEVER...I took CODY WITH ME! Everyone loves him here. Cody is especially in love with Debra. (BJ's mom) He's figured out that she's a total pushover for giving him dinner scraps. All he has to do is blink.

IN other news...I sent out a mass e-mail letting all my friends and family know I made it here okay, and thanking them for everything. Well, it got sent to Lynn Turner. She wrote me back, asking me to remove her from my e-mail list. AHHHH! What a witch. ARGH! I just....ergh.

In really sad news, my Grandpa doesn't have much time left. My mom and dad went to Arizona this morning to spend some time with him. Probably the last times they'll spend with him. I cry a little almost every day. I hate cancer. I'm really going to miss my Grandpa. I really really am.

So I guess that's all for now. I have to go make sure Cody isn't about to bite Lauren's finges off. Bye!

Well, it has been forever since I've written in here...so long in fact, that I couldn't remember how to login. HAHA! Funny things...anyway. I don't have much time now to make up for it, so I'll have to be brief.

So! I'm moving to Alabama in a week and 2 days. Almost less than that, because today is over halfway over. I almost didn't move...there was a huge emotional war...want details? Check out BJ's livejournal.

www.livejournal.com/users/livin4god1983

He's much better at the lengthy explanations, and I don't feel like revisiting that. He also listed excellent details about his trip up here for my birthday. So you can catch up with that there as well. Not that I don't want to write about that myself, it's just...well...I don't have the time to say everything I want to say.

So much has happened, lordy be. I met my biological father Craig Walter, and my older sister Shannon Miller, along with my nephew Tyler, and my niece Jenna. That happened on New Years Day. Wee!

Before that, my birthday happened, Christmas happened, and of course! A co-worker/friend of mine felt bad about things that had transpired with me recently. Cody attacked Sunnie and I decided not to take him to Alabama, which made me sad. My birthday party that Nancy "planned" altogether sucked, and BJ had just left, so one day I just crumbled. She decided to buy me a puppy.

She bought me a beautiful little Sheltie boy. I named him Cairo. (That name was originally thought of by Madison Pomeroy, at the age of two...I must point that out. The little genius.) I love Egypt, so it fits perfectly. He's adorable, and he's about 9 weeks old now. I'm madly in love with him, but no dog can ever compare to Cody. He's my first my last and only. My one true doggie love.

So BJ, Cairo, Craig...everything kinda happened at once. Anyway, I'm at work now. Tonight Nikki and I are going to have a sleepover, probably ending the friendly friendship we have. We'll both disappear soon. I'll always love her though. We're going to see RENT!!! One last time. And free ice cream. Oh, yes. Yes indeed.

In other and final news, I love BJ with everything I am. Thanks for sticking up for me, and being my Knight. I love you.

So, later! Maybe I'll write more some time.

Me

Yo homie, Gilligan! We's goin back to da islands! Hehehe. Well, I haven't started an entry like that in awhile. Anyway! I'm on my break here at Dunn Bros. Wait...what? TIME WARP! Yeah, I'm back here again. And I don't have much time left on my break, so I'll have to be as brief as possible. Let's see...

I quit got a job at Dunn Bros, quit Caribou, and Elke got fired. Wee! Was that brief enough? I don't really feel like going into all the details. Why focus on the negative?? I'd much rather focus on all the wonderful things going on in my life.

I've been sorta stressed about the Alabama thing. But now, I have a place to live, and I plan on leaving on January 13th! WEE! I'm really excited. Excited about actually moving, excited about where I'm living and who I'm living with, excited that I get to bring a doggie with me (although it has yet to be determined which one) and overall, I am SOOOOO excited to be able to see BJ whenever I want to.

I've already got the majority of my packing done, that's how excited I am. 2 months in advance! I can't wait. BJ is going to buy a one-way ticket and drive down there with me. Things are good now.

I don't know what I'm going to do about Christmas. I don't have the money to shop for everybody, not only that...but I have no idea WHAT to get for anyone. Crazy crazy crazy.

So that's about all I've got for now. Write more when I've got more time!!

Later taters!

Corrie

I don't hate today. I didn't hate yesterday either. In fact, life is getting better. Not that it was exactly bad before, but...hey. I've learned how to ignore some things and let them slide. I can't change people, and I can't make them see things the way I want them to see them. That's pretty much darn near impossible. So! How are things? Let me tell you.

People still complain about me talking to BJ too much. Except that I don't, I really don't. Kelly, I wish you could have been around when Paul basically lived in our house, then you really wouldn't be saying these things to me now. Your sisters are in love, why is that a bad thing?

Before BJ came along, long before BJ came along, I was not a happy person. I was continually attacked by my parents, and I would turn to Kelly. Every single time I'd call her and beg her to rescue me. If ever I needed anything, she was who I would call. A movie buddy, a trip to Target, a place to stay... that's just the way things were. But then she moved out East. I tried it for awhile and it didn't work out. The thing is though, not having Kelly near by made me fend for myself. I get along with my parents because I had to. I take myself places because I had to. If there's a disaster, I handle it on my own. Sure, she'll hear about it...but I would handle it. That's the way it had to be. I became an independant person. I don't depend on her to make me happy anymore.

Before BJ my days were filled with silence. People say he takes up so much of my time. Well...what occupied that time before? NOTHING. I wasn't going places, I wasn't doing things with people, I wasn't spending hoards of time with my family. Every one in my life has their own life. GOOD!!! Jamie has friends, and he doesn't come home after school. Sunnie doesn't even live at home anymore. My mom loves to shop shop shop and I've never in the history of the world enjoyed doing that with her. BJ didn't change my routine. What DID change my routine though was my work schedule. 3:45 every morning...I'm a freaking zombie. Those silences would be more frequent now than ever, except that I have something to fill those silences with. Kelly's at work, Jamie's at school, parents are gone, Sunnie is gone... I'm alone a lot, but I don't feel alone anymore. I have BJ. Stop hating me for it.

People blaming BJ for them missing me is really starting to get to him. No one is falling over themselves to spend time with me, and the truth of the matter is I don't want them to. I'm BORING. You never know what you've got until it's gone. Nobody wanted to occupy my silences until I found something else to fill them with. Something that wasn't my family. You didn't miss the boat, it never set sail. It's been docked with a hole in the bottom for years. I repaired it, and now it floats, but it still isn't going anywhere. Not until January anyway. WEE! Oh, it can't come soon enough.

I'm sick and tired of people making me feel bad for changing. I'm not a depressed psychotic teenager anymore. I don't write melancholy poetry, and I don't resent everyone for smiling. I'm the one smiling now. The tables have turned and I'm happy. Sunnie understands me, which I never thought to be possible. I'm really sad she's gone now. I miss her.

Sunnie and Paul... I've learned so much from them. Sunnie and Paul...he lived down the street from her and they would still be on the phone and AIM at the same time. Sunnie and Paul...they are each other's worlds, and nobody ever got enraged at them for it. Why me?

I know the difference. Sunnie's world has always been a lot bigger than mine. Family was there, but not as prominent. She had places to go, and people to go with, and so we got used to her needing other people. She loves her friends, and especially her boyfriend, and that's always been Sunnie. What has Corrie been? The cold shouldered loner who claimed that she didn't need anybody outside of her family to make her happy. So no one ever got used to her phone conversations, or her longings to be with someone else. But for me...it's just that one person. All that desire concentrated onto one human being, but Sunnie always had hers more spread out, and so no one really noticed. She fit into that scene, and the picture was widely accepted. My picture looks crude and artificial, so nobody likes it. Well, tough. God's the artist, so deal with it.

I wish Corrie and BJ were immediately accepted like Sunnie and Paul. Don't get me wrong, everyone loves BJ, and they love that I love him...but they don't want me to change. I'm sorry, but I have to. The rest of my life is going to be with this man, and I need to know him.

Anyway...to sum it up, I'm just tired of people saying I don't spend time with them, or all I think about is BJ blah blah blah. I'm around everyone so much, you'd think they'd be sick of me. I wish they would tell me what they really want...but they don't. They're scared of something. They do things without me all the time. What are they talking about????

Moving on. I had THE BEST TRIP TO ALABAMA! It was so wonderful. I kinda felt like I was in the way,(BJ and his family were in the process of moving) but...I still had a wonderful time. Here's the short version:

1. Friday, October 7th-- Arrived in AL, went to Wal-Mart, ate dinner, fell asleep...

2. Saturday, October 8th-- Day trip to TN!! BJ met Randy, Jackie, Melissa, Joey, and Melody! Jackie made dinner. We got home at 2:30am.

3. Sunday, October 9th--Went to church at Frazer for both the traditional and contemporary services. THEN we hit up the Montgomery Zoo for FREE!! We even got a train ride. After that we visited Kris and family, ate some chicken, watched EVITA...well, tried to...(BJ and I fell asleep...sorry Kris!)

4. Monday, October 10th-- FAIR DAY! First, we went to the new house so they could show me around, and hung out with the family a bit. Then BJ and I hit the Alabama National Fair! I really did have a wonderful time. Granted, I got a little sick on a couple of the rides, it was one of the greatest days of my life. I even got to fulfill a little fantasy of mine of kissing at the top of the ferris wheel. *te-he-he*

5. Tuesday, October 11th-- Hung out at the house, cuddled a bit, brought mom some lunch at work, went shopping for my mom's birthday present, visited Nicole at her dorm, went home, ate dinner, watched Cellular, fell asleep, woke up, went to new house at 1:30am or so to find my Bambi DVD BJ had packed with his stuff, went to "wal-mart" (haha) came home, went to bed...

6. Wednesday, October 12th-- woke up, snuggled, cuddled, sniffled, went to Oaktree, went to dad's shop, went to airport, tearful goodbye... home again, time to celebrate Mom's birdthay! Wee...

So that was the trip in a nutshell. When I first got there, BJ greeted me with a bouquet of roses, and a heart shaped balloon that said "I Love You", and then he presented me with a ring. It was his mother's, and it's going to serve as a promise ring. I was so...wow. I was so happy. It made me really happy...I love it so much. I love HIM so much!! I really miss him. He's coming up here for like...a day in December for my birthday. (December 15th for those of you who have forgotten). And then I move in January!

In other news, Caribou is interesting. Elke has taken another job managing a new store in Maplewood. Fazoli's is becoming a Caribou with another bou-thru, and it is opening December 31st. I plan on moving mid-January, so I offered to move with Elke and help her get started for a couple weeks. She was all for it! Part of it was selfish, because I didn't want to waste my time trying to impress another manager when I can just follow the one who loves me to a store right by the mall. Yes! Anyway...so yeah. Today was fun at work, I was really entertaining with my broadway parodies...Caribou style. Elke was begging me to perform at some annual Caribou meeting or something. I said I would if she gave me a million dollars. She said she would work on that. HAHA!

Well, I better get going. Later taters!!

Me

To quote my little brother, "I hate today!" I can't wake up. I'm not really sleeping, but I'm in a groggy semi-nightmare and I want out. Saturdays are special. Saturdays are typically known around the country as date nights. My boyfriend lives 20 hours away, so understandably we cannot partake of said date night. Satudays also bring the promise of free cell phone calls all day long. Sundays hold the same promise, but there's something about Saturdays.

Saturdays are my date day with my boyfriend, they have been...forever. When both of us are not busy, we spend the time together via the phone. I take BJ with me on errands, he keeps me company while I cook, he joins in on family conversations...it's the next best thing to having him here. I talk to him until my battery dies. (My cell phone and my body) I need that....and it's only once a week.

During the week, I get to talk to BJ anywhere from half an hour to an hour in the later evening roughly between 9:30 and 10. If we talk duing the day, the conversation is brief and is usually abruptly ended by myself, who is overly concerned with cell phone minutes. I look forward so much to Saturdays.

One thing I think people forget about is I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM!!! I used to get annoyed with how often Paul would call for Sunnie, partially because they got to see each other all the time. Everyone gets annoyed with me now, but it's so different. Saturdays are all I've got! And I don't even get to see him. I don't get to feel him next to me, I don't get to hug him, nothing. I just get to talk to him, and we get to include each other in our day. We spend the day together. It's the closest thing we've got.

Yesterday was Saturday. I waited all week for Saturday. I have the day off from Caribou. Caribou is a fun job, but a lot of work. Kelly loves it, but if she worked a morning she might reconsider. The whole morning is one big rush and you feel like your brain is disconnected and floating away at times. Your hands can't keep up. My schedule is making me a vegetative psychopath. I can't exist. 3:45 every morning, and non-stop craziness until 11. I go home and I collapse, no good for anybody.

I'm never not tired, and health issues make everything that much more hellish. I feel like my mind is much, and slowly draining out my ear.

I quit Getdown because I felt like I had nothing left to contribute. That mushy mind of mine decided that it was done with ideas. It has reduced itself to the redundant existence of me...the faithful Caribou employee, the girl who sleeps the day away, and the girl who feels like no matter whose life she touches, ends up doing less good and more evil. She can't be herself anymore, because herself oozed out her ear along with her mushy brain.

The one thing my mind can focus on, is the chaotic wheel of decisions and emotional issues surrounding the move in January. I know I want to do it, I almost know exactly where to... everyone seems to have a different opinion. Of course I want to be with BJ from now until forever, but I have a lot of fears to work through.

My mind also focuses on my personal problems with myself. My insecurities. BJ opened that Pandora's box a couple nights ago. Things I've been avoiding since day one with him. Oh well. He went for it, he got it.

Anyway...yesterday was Saturday. From 5pm-8pm, I had my ear piece in my ear, and I talked to BJ until my battery died. During that time, Kelly came home from work, she and I went to Target and Wal-Mart. Much of the time BJ just listened quietly while Kelly and I searched for Halloween costumes and browsed the home decor section of Target. I was spending time with my sister, but it was my way of including BJ. It was our date day.

After my phone died, Kelly and I finished up at Wal-Mart and then headed to Blockbuster. We were in search of entertainment for the evening, but we came up empty handed. We decided to go home and eat and watch Sunnie's copy of Fever Pitch. I had seen it, Kelly and Jamie hadn't.

Kelly made a delicious pot roast dinner, so we ate ourselves to happy tummies. BJ called once but I decided not to answer, so we could have dinner together. By the time he called again, I had finished eating, so I answered and went up to my room. I told Kelly I wouldn't watch the whole movie, and she was fine with that.

Since we were no longer at a discount store in the company of my sister, BJ and I used the time to talk about real things. When the movie ended I was in my parents room (where Kelly is staying because they're out of town) checking my email. I told her I wouldn't be long, she said good because she had to go to bed. She went in the bathroom to brush her teeth. She came out with tears in her eyes and started scolding me for ditching her and Jamie for any other reason besides going to bed. Her voice got louder and more angry as I tried to brush it off, and I started to get more angry. Nobody seems to understand about Saturdays. Nobody seems to understand that I break in half everyday because I'm not with him.

BJ is my best friend. I tell him everything. He talks me through everything. He is always there, no question. He tosses his own schedule to the wind, just so he can be there for me. He wakes himself up every day Monday-Friday at 3am just so he can keep me company and ensure the fact that I'll have a good day. He is everything to me. I've waited my whole life to be loved and cherished, and now I am. I have someone who WANTS to be with me everyday, no matter how emotional or psychotic I might seem. He wants to help me deal with my past, be a constant in my present, and be with me for my entire future. Why can't I just have my Saturdays?

Even though I tried to defend myself inside my head, I felt terrible. I hung up with BJ and I cried. I felt myself slipping. It was already night, but it was still getting darker.

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. I couldn't move. I talked to BJ until he had to get ready for church. Him going to church means so much to me. I changed him and I feel terrible. He used to go all the time. Now he would rather talk to me. I can't stand that. I pushed him off the phone with the firm belief that he would follow through like he said and go to church. I stayed in bed for hours. I felt sick. Kelly called to ask me to help. I couldn't make sense of her words in my head. I was in that groggy nightmare. She said goodbye, but my goodbye didn't make sound before I hung up, so I guess I hung up on her. I can't remember the conversation.

BJ called on his way to work, thinking how hilarious it was that after he had hung up with me he went back to sleep. My heart broke a little. God used to be more important to him than that. How did I change that? I was sad...but for once he didn't pick up on that, so it was a light conversation, and I went back to bed. I got up every once in awhile and do...things. I'm not even sure. One time I found that Darla had eaten an entire box of apple donuts. I was furious.

BJ called on his break. I didn't answer. I was too exhausted. Instead, I silenced the phone. I fell asleep. Depression can do that. Puts you right out. I woke up to four missed calls, and an empty house. Kelly had taken Jamie to a movie. We had decided yesterday to all go together today. I guess what I had done last night kicked me out of that scenario. I started to cry. I screamed into a pillow. Nothing makes sense.

I felt irrational. Why was I so upset? Nothing had happened. But of course, if one little thing makes you upset, that snowball starts rolling down the hill, packing along with it a new problem on each side every time it makes a full circle. Pretty soon the cloud above your head is so big, you just panic. You can't remember what set it off, but you can sit and dwell for hours on everything that's wrong in your life, and everything that makes you sad. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic.

Now here I am writing this, and I'm trying to be honest with myself. I'm on the pill that makes me sick, I'm on the pill and I'm still spotting. (My journal, I can talk about periods...) So I have my period, and I'm still on the pill that messes with your hormones and makes me sick....wee! Weather changes create bad breathing, so I'm sick in mutiple ways, I have a cold, and so I'm just all types of crabby. So that's how I rationalize my behavior. And yet...I still don't understand people. I feel disliked, and I know that's not irrational. Some think I'm fat, some think I'm mean, some think I'm selfish...lately I've been asked how I see myself. I'm so consumed with other people's opinions, that it's been quite a chore to find one of my own. I still don't have it nailed down, but I do know that I'm unhappy with myself. Maybe someday I'll figure that out. I'm too tired to make sense to myself, or to anyone else.

My mom told me awhile back that I've been checking myself out of life. I resented her at the time, but she's right. I'm retreating into something else and I disappear from time to time. It's not even close to a fraction of how bad it was "back in the day"... back in my junior year of highschool. I have a good life and good people in it. I just wonder sometimes if I'm considered a good person in anyone else's life. I used to think that I was...such a good person. Always there for everybody. I'd loan you a million dollars if I had it. But I also remembered sacrificing my own happiness constantly just to see somebody else smile. I don't do that anymore. I found things that make me really happy, and I refuse to give those up. If that makes me really selfish, I'm sorry... actually I'm not. I deserve it.

Kelly and Jamie are at the movies now, and I'm glad I'm writing this out so I don't explode all over innocent bystanders. I probably need the time alone to sit and reflect on the chaos. Maybe I should leave me cell phone on silent. Maybe I'll exist tomorrow. Who knows.

Well, I feel like I just wrote a novel. Time to go. Later!

Today feels really weird. It's Saturday, and I stayed in bed until noon. I didn't sleep til' noon, mind you. I just lounged. I listened to the hectic hustle and bustle of Jamison begging my mom for a ride to work. I heard my mom scream back that she was busy and that it was beautiful outside. I then heard my dad scream up the stairs that he would take him. It was funny...I didn't exist.

Usually I don't get to sleep...it was really strange. Last Saturday was my first Saturday "off" but I wasn't really off. I went in for my one-on-one with Elke, and then ended up working for free to help Kelly out. Interesting, huh? So today...I didn't know what to do with myself. I still don't, so I'm at the library. Figures. There aren't any movies I want to see, so here I am. Typical Corrie, right? I know I know.

So...here's the big news. Are you ready for it? Okay, here goes!

I'M MOVING TO ALABAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I know. Say what? No, I'm not married, not even engaged. (as all you Caribou people keep asking me....to quote Lauren before I left MN for AL the last visit: "Have fun Corrie. Have a safe drive, a good trip, and don't forget to get engaged. Be like 'BJ, when are you going to engage me? In marriage?' yeah, Corrie. Yeah."---another gut busting moment from Lauren Michels.)

But I am moving there for so many reasons. To be with BJ obviously, to get away from home, to start a new life...it's time. I'm leaving in January.

Of course there are multiple fears and inhibitions but those come free of charge when you make a gigantic life altering decision. Life wouldn't be life without them. I AM scared, but I can do it. I just need to find a place to live, find a job that will allow me to afford everything I need and give me health insurance. (dental would be fun too). I need furniture, I need car insurance... I need money. I have a car payment, cell phone, medications, car insurance...and a whole new state to get aquainted with. Saying goodbye to a past and hello to a future. Hello to the beginning of the rest of my life with the man I love. Yes.

So...that's my update. Time to go.

Me