It's fun finding random pictures on random discs in random places. I miss my cousins. Kyle and Zach. We used to be so close. They live in S. Carolina now. Kyle and I were best friends once. He called me Coco. Kyle and Coco. All Zach did back then was run around in his underwear with a towel around his neck, proclaiming he was the great and powerful "Zac-a-wee!" I used his tire swing without permission, so he found the biggest rock he could lift, and threw it at my foot. My pinky toe nail fell off... The great and powerful Zac-a-wee got in a "wot of twubble"... I really do miss them.

So, not much has changed, really. I'm sick a lot, though... and missing BJ really takes a toll after awhile. I'm tired all the time. But I'll stop whining, I promise. Today at Caribou absolutely sucked. It was really busy, and I was having lung issues...(can I get new ones already?) And I kept having coughing attacks. I had a million things to do, would ask for help...and people would look away and pretend they didn't even hear me. That was SO aggrivating! My only ally ended up being the most unlikely person ever! I would be completely bogged down, and there would eb people leaning against the wall, arms crossed, scowling at me going "Corrie, do you have that cooler yet? Where's the vanilla breve? I need three vanilla coolers and an oreo snowdrift!" And I would just look at them and say "Sorry, I can only do five things at once." Screen FULL of drinks, me alone on DT BAR!!! and then people on a power trip (no names mentioned) are telling me to make whips, get ice, and empty coffee urns. I DON'T THINK SO!

Anyway, I couldn't get out of there soon enough. I felt like so many parts of me were about to explode. I'm so tired of people smoking in the drive-thru. I end up wheezing the rest of my shift and sounding like a freak. Hack, cough, wheeze. I really AM a sickly kind of person. That sucks! I love my co-workers, but too many of them have superiority complexes. Makes me want to tear my face off. I was so overwhelmed, so tired, so sad, and so sick. I got out of there as soon as I could, collapsed in the car and just cried.

Life is hard right now, and everywhere I look I'm blasted in the face with another complication. I was informed I'm over 3 months away from health benefits. I'm barely keeping up with 20 hrs/week to GET the benefits, and you have to have that straight for 3 months. So even though I feel sick enough to go to a doctor, I can't GO to a doctor. It hasn't killed me yet, and I can still function like a semi-normal person.

I really really miss BJ. I just want him to hold me and never leave. That would be wonderful. Curl up and watch a movie with me, I want to lay my head on his shoulder with his arms around me, while he literally whispers "sweet nothings" into my ear. I want to disappear into yesterday until it's time for tomorrow.

Highlight, I get to be home with my family, yes true. Jamie cracks me up. He's currently rehearsing something that can only be referred to as an undoubted hidden track gem on his debut album. It's entitled "The Two Faced Cheating Lying Lawn Gnome". It's hilarious! He recorded it, and played it back high speed.

Well, that's enough complaining for one day. Life is tough. Get over it, right? I found a little name game thing, and decided to partake. Enjoy! And partake of as well if you so choose!

CIAO!



1.YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (middle name and current street name)
Erin Sharon

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME:(grandmother on mom's side, your favorite candy)
Beverly Dove

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your last name)
C-Kil

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Blue Sheltie

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Erin St. Paul

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
Kilergcod

7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards)
Nire


8. PORN STAR NAME: (first pet, street you grew up on)
Snickers Ryan

9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile your mom has)
The Blue PT Cruiser

I laughed... it was funny!

You Are 32% Abnormal

You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul. You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

Things are pretty okay, although I really miss BJ. I saw a movie today that I had been wanting to see for quite awhile. "The Lake House". It was so good! Or maybe I just loved it because I'm a girl, I dunno. Had all the things I loved about "Frequency" and more. It was a great love story. I just get so gushy when a man tells a woman he wants to take care of her. I want to be taken care of!

I cried like a baby toward the end, but made sure to get rid of the tears before the lights went up. Love stories used to make me sad because I didn't have anyone, now they make me sad because I have someone, and he's so far away!

I can't wait to stop feeling like I'm going backwards. Forwards please! Happily ever after, please. We'll see what happens.

Anyway, Caribou is Caribou. Busy busy busy. Same old same old. My two favorite regulars, Pat and Janine... they've been coming through my drive-thru since I started there back in November of 04'. ANYWAY. They love me, I love them. Pat calls me "Miss Alabama". Last weekend, Pat and Janine were headed to the opening and dedication of a new public park, in Stillwater, MN called Teddy Bear Park. Pat's brother-in-law had donated all the funds for the completion of the park, so Pat and Janine had volunteered to hand out teddy bears all day at the big celebration. They were telling me about it before they headed over there, and I begged them to bring me a bear if they had any left, since I had to work all day. They said they would, but I didn't believe them. Well, they came through today, and Pat was like "Miss Alabama! I was hoping you were working today! I have a present for you, dear!" And I was expecting the bears to be like little cheap beanie babies or something, but instead it was a really nice full size teddy bear...very very soft, wearing a sweater that says "Teddy Bear Park, Stillwater" with a paw on it. I was the envy of all my co-workers. (all girls, of course) They all wanted a bear, but apparently I'm the only one who takes the time to flirt with old men and make splenda jokes...I get rewarded, my friends. Naw, they're my pals! And they love me.

Sometimes it feels like my customers are my only friends...sad, sniffle sniffle. I always feel appreciated when they ask for me by name. I love to be loved!

ANYWAY...that's all for now. More later!

ME!

That is a picture of Nicole, Kelly, Me and BJ. Nicole just sent it to me, it was taken last August. There has been a lot of miscommunications and what not, and it's all very unfortunate. Nicole and I both probably could have had a good friend when we needed one, if only...if only. Which is a good song! AND the name of a fan fiction I started...never finished, surprise, surprise. I used to pride myself on how original my fanfic beginnings were. They WERE good! But all I'm good at is beginnings. The rest takes work. Much like relationships. I'll get better. If I can, anyone can! (hint, hint)

So here's to new beginnings, and making them turn into good stories, with no end in sight. TADA! Love you.

ME!

Things are quite possibly looking up for me, for Kelly, for me AND Kelly, for me and other people. Anyway! If you haven't read Kelly's journal, you should. She has good news. The summary of said good news? She got an apartment...a very KELLY apartment, downtown WBL. I'm sure we shall post pictures of it someday in the not too distant future. It's very...right for Kelly. All the info behind how she/we found it and what not is all on her journal, which you can read via the link on the right. She's happy, which is splendid.

I also have good news. I might get a job at Lakeshore Players, the little community theater here in White Bear Lake. I auditioned there once for "Joseph.." I was so stinking nervous, I danced into the wall. I was so traumatized, I never went back! Kelly and I saw "Always, Patsy Cline" there. Lakeshore pretty much sells out every show, and they really do a good job. I used to usher there back in junior and senior high. I loved it, saw the shows for free!

Anyway, I think I get an interview today. If nothing else, she wants me to stop by with a resume, so we'll see what we see.

So, that's all I have to report for now. More later maybe. BYE!

I spent some good time with Nikki yesterday. We finally watched Nicholas Nickleby together. I had been wanting her to see it for years. She loved it. I knew she would.

In the midst of all the drama, I think I forgot to mention that Nikki DID in fact come visit, and it was great. Poor thing had to winess a lot of tears and struggles in just the few days she was there, but... she was so wonderful to have there. Endless thank yous go out to Carolyn, who was the entire reason why that visit was possible. I was so glad she was there. Making her laugh made me feel so much better, and I'm good at making her laugh. That's one thing I'm good at. The only other thing I'm really good at, is pretending to be someone else. Another reason why Nikki and I originally bonded. Distant Stare, Now and Forever. We were Angel and Becca. Don't know? Then you're just not special enough.

Anyway. It was great spending time with her. She's so beautiful, and she doesn't even know it. Here's a picture of her and BJ when we were dropping her off at the airport. Despite our differences and distances, Nikki and I will always be friends. I laugh more with her than with anyone, no matter what.



Anyway, it was good to see her yesterday. She just turned 21. We're both so "good" though, that that didn't mean a darn thing to her either. I always miss her.

So, the same thing just happened to Kelly that happened to me with Lynn. Found a woman to live with, and she changed her mind. At least Kelly didn't have months of "I can't wait for you to be the daughter I never had, I'm so excited to love you, I'm so excited to share my home with you. This is a God thing!" -- because that was just plain evil!

She's real down about it all, and things the walls are falling in around her. I know how that feels. I guess she also feels like lashing out. I'm well within reach, so go for it.

Leaving Alabama was a blessing to Kelly, leaving bad behind. I was leaving all my good behind, all my happy. Yes, I encountered a LOT of problems there as well, but BJ was there. Nothing good comes out of being without him. I don't think Kelly really understands that. I was just as happy to get out from underneath Benlee's watchful eye, but I actually had to leave something major behind. Kelly left a lot of material possessions. So did I.

She keeps reminding me about all the sacrifices she made for me, and all the things she paid for with her tax return and cell phone deposit money, because I was literally penniless. She won't let me forget. If I never had to borrow a cent from ANYONE, that's how I would prefer it. Kelly is an extremely generous person, and I've always appreciated the things she's done for me. She also wants to make sure I don't forget how generous she is, and how much she's done for me.

If I could give her all the money in the world, I would. If I could pay her back plus interest, I would. The key words here friends, are IF I COULD, because I can't. I owe everybody for everything, and for what? To be back in a place I thought I was done with forever?

Before I got back here, I thought I would automatically feel comforted by familiarity. The same streets, the same sounds, the same smells. The same people, the same places... same old same old. Instead it all just makes me sad. The same harsh words are thrown at me for staying in my room too long. Well, I don't feel welcome anywhere else, so where am I supposed to go? I want to be alone most of the time, and that makes me unforgivable.

I don't know what to do. I'm humiliated. I had thrown caution to the wind to set out on an adventure that met with one disaster after another. Nothing was destroyed though, except my ability to stay. I begged Kelly to move down there so we could get a place together, yes. If she wants to blame me for ruining her life...like she seems to be doing, that's fine. Alabama was a waste of her time, of her life. But not mine. Opelika was a waste of my time, of my life. The main reason I pushed Kelly to move, is I wanted her to be happy. I didn't want her to have to go through what I went through with BJ. I thought they would be able to have a normal dating life right off the bat. I didn't know they would be planning a trip down the aisle so soon. THat was Benlee, but...I still didn't expect it.

I wanted her to be with the man I thought would make her forever happy. Neither of us knew him, so I won't be blamed for pushing. Everyone pushed. Everyone shoved. Everyone crammed dreams into a little sardine can, and it expoded. We're all messy now.

I am completely humiliated. Crawling back with my tail between my legs, my head hung in shame, defeat, failure. I thought my life was finally taking off, and instead I get knocked down to my butt again, and all they can do is kick me when I'm down.

I'm not doing enough to repay Kelly for her unbelievable kindness and generosity. She's only asking me for a FRACTION of what I owe her, and all I do is crab crab crab. My parents are so kind and generous allowing me to stay here, when I don't belong. They are so kind to remind me that I shouldn't be here, that I should be out on my own. They don't want me here, but I'm their daughter, so they won't turn me away. I need to get back on my feet, they tell me. I'm 22 years old, they tell me. Thank you. I forgot.

Kelly feels like she's gone through so much more than I have. She's lost so much more. She's spent so much more. So much in fact, that I could never repay her. She's probably right. She could afford to get herself out of a mess she got herself into. I couldn't. I didn't have anyone to hold onto except her, and just kind of hang on for the ride. She zipped out of Alabama, and here I am. It's true we had nowhere else to go. WE had nowhere else to go, nothing to do but get out. Nothing for two. Somethings for one.

She was going to go to Connecticut. Would I still be a villain if she was in Connecticut? Would she still think I owed her the world if she already owned it? Her world was on the East coast. She was so happy when the opportunity presented itself again. She changed her mind. Is that my fault too?

I will owe her for the rest of my life for her getting me back to Minnesota. Does that mean I owe her for all this misery? I am so unhappy at times, that I can't breathe. Or is that my normal breathing problems? I can't tell the difference. I'm out of medicine. I'm out of sanity. I went backwards. I was supposed to be moving forwards, and I'm back here again. Back to then. Back to blah. Back to Caribou? That's not happy. Soon Kelly will be in charge of me there too. Will that make her happier?

I can never repay, I can never live up to what they want. Any of them. I have someone to love, someone to love me, and I still stare in the mirror, hearing my mothers words, hearing his father's words, and thinking that I will never be good enough for anyone. Where do I go from here?

I am a failure. I am a nothing. No, I'm not a nothing. I am somebody's someone. I am my everything's everything. I am in love, and loved. Which is right? Love is not enough, or love is all there is? I can't remember the good words, sometimes. Only the bad. Why does the mind work that way? You remember what you owe and to whom, but you can't remember why. You can remember who owes you and how much, but you can't remember why you had to help them in the first place. If you did remember, you would think there would be more understanding. More compassion.

I'll pay when I can. I have four dollars. Do you want it? I'll give it to you. You still have more than me. You have so much more than me. I'm not asking you for anything. You give with the assurance of recieving in return? I'll pay you back someday. Just don't remind me everyday that I have to.

I wish I always had the answers. I wish I never had to ask for help. Help isn't free, and it shouldn't be. When money is concerned, those who always need help with it, are the ones who owe the most. The ones who need it need to give it when they get it. It sucks! Jouvenile as it sounds, it sucks it sucks, it sucks.

Life's not fair. The sooner you accept that, the soone you can see the beauty in it. The beauty behind God's design. Appreciate the picture instead of the brush strokes. See everything, not selected selections.

Don't ask me, don't confront me. Take it for what it is, a journal. My journal. People ask me why I lay it all out on a public table. I don't really know. It's easier to keep up, it's sometimes fun to share. The personal things people learn about me along the way...I guess I always cling to the hope of mutual understanding. World peace! Yeah right. It just is what it is. Take it or leave it. I don't care either way.

I love you, BJ. 7 weeks and five days. I love you so much.

Hey all. Caribou is pretty good. It's weird after not being there for six months... but I fell back into it easily enough. It's certainly better to not have Elke there. A lot of the pressure has mysteriously disappeared. I don't know how that happened... hmm.

I'm trying to figure out the health coverage thing. I have less than 2 weeks left with my last inhaler, and no insurance. Most coverage from employment doesn't start until 3 months in, but since I'm a re-hire, Michael, the new manager is trying to find a way around that. I should be up to a full 40hrs in about a week. We'll see what happens.

ANYWAY. I have a lot on my mind, but nothing that I particularly want to write about. There are eyes I had never planned on who rest on this page from time to time. That doesn't really bother me, it just kinda... well, it's weird. It just is.

BJ is still coming in August, and so far the plan looks like his dad, Jack will be joining us. We have a whole amazing list of things that are going to be going on. Camping up at Split Rock, Valley Fair, the drive-in movies, The Mall Of America, water parks, boating, fishing, swimming in WBL... necessary things. And then there are just the typical Corrie and BJ activities. Making movie parodies, playing with the dogs, talking, cuddling, smoochin...*sigh* Can't wait!

So I thought I'd include a picture in here. I just found it down in my dad's old office, and I had forgotten about it. We got these pictures developed LAST YEAR... my dad had discovered four rolls of undeveloped film in my mom's dresser drawer, so he was curious, and turned them in. My brother is like 2 or 3 in this picture, and he was 16 when they were finally developed! It was like opening a time capsule when we got the pictures back. Some weren't THAT old, but most of them were. And since the whole Superman thing is coming up soon, that grand old "S" is everywhere, so here's my contribution. My baby brother... who is now a giant that towers over me. But not then! I now present to you...

SUPER JAMISON!



That is just too cute! I love it. ANYWAY. That's all for now. Maybe I'll feel like writing more later. Until then...

Au Revoir!

ME!

I start at Caribou on Saturday. Wee. Let's hope it's better than last time. Yup.

This entry really has no real point. Things are pretty much the same. My mom is on my back about everything, and I'm confused about everything. YAY! But not about BJ. I love him. NAF. ANYWAY! I was browsing my Dad's picture files on his computer, and found some old favorites...well, just old. NEW favorites, because I had never seen them before. So, I thought I would share. Some are from 2002, when I looked very different. Different hair, and braces. And yet, the only pictures I've ever seen of myself in which I really truly found myself the slightest bit attractive. Odd? Yes. There have been a few since then, but very seldom are these pictures. ANYWAY! On with the show.



This is me and the elusive Candace. The last time I saw my sister was later that year. This picture was taken on Thanksgiving, of 2002. The last time I really saw her was Christmas the same year.



This picture is of me and Sunnie, somewhere near Christmas I believe. 2002 again. Just so you know, our hair may match perfectly, but I got it done first. First!



Just the faces. Do we look like sisters? He he he.



This picture is HILARIOUS! My dad the hippie. Oh, gosh! It's so bad it's great. His eyes look so droopy! This was one of those pictures where someone tries to get your attention, and you look up, and the picture haunts you for the rest of your life. This was back in 02' again, when my dad had vowed that he would not cut his hair until he retired. It got longer than it is pictured here, and he began to believe that we were ashamed to be seen with him. That's possible... anyway, he cut it. But that's hilarious!



This picture makes me laugh! I don't remember it being taken AT ALL! It was our hiking trip up North (me and my dad), and I look so confused. I have no idea what I was looking at, but I totally look stupid. "Water? What's that?" Oh, gosh. HAHAHA!

Anyway! That's all for now I guess. I really had nothing all that important to say. Just wanted to share my discoveries. There are more, of course. But I'll save those for later. BYE!

You Are Jean Grey

Although your fate is often unknown, you always seem to survive (even after ). Your mind is your greatest weapon, literally! Powers: telepathy and telekinesis, the ability to project thoughts into the mind of others, communication with animals

Which of the X-Men Are You?

I should never write in the wee hours of the morning. Morning always brings a little sunlight. I talked to BJ again around 2am. He had had his friend Nicole over.

We uncovered quite a few more fears. Most of them were mine. Why am I so scared of everything all the time? Because it feels like I'm going backwards, and before... I didn't have BJ. I didn't have the things I wanted. I'm scared that going backwards means losing things I didn't have before. I know that's crazy...

I was half asleep while I was talking to BJ. But I remember some of the crazy things I was saying. "Time used to bring me things. Bring me gifts. It would bring me promises of 'see you tonight', or 'see you tomorrow'...and now the only promise it brings is months away, and after that...there's nothing. There are little crystals of hope floating around in the air...things I want. But I ignore them. You try to grab onto them, and all they do is let you down. They never keep their word. You have to wait for them to become reality, and that takes forever. Sometimes it never happens."

So on and so on. I do have hope, and I do look forward to things. BJ starts school after he's here in August, so I'm just a little scared about that. He wants it, he needs it, I want it for him, and need it for him. But that probably means I won't see him for a year... between work and school, he can't go anywhere else.

People have done things like this for a hundred years, and a hundred years after me. Their husbands are in the military, or something like that. I just feel sometimes like I already did all that, and now it's time to be together. Most people got to date in person, and spend time together, and all that stuff. We did it backwards, so that's why it feels backwards now.

Ok, enough complaining. There are a lot of lessons to be learned here. I'm not gonna lose BJ. He's not gonna lose me. We won't let that happen. I have a LOT to be thankful for. I'm glad he's stronger than me... I just wish it didn't seem so uneven at times. BJ is such a blessing, and the reason why this is all so hard, is just because I love him so much. I want to be with him. My heart hurts.

Anyway, in other news... my room is an easter egg, but I'm trying to make it my own. My mom turned it into a room fit for a 12 year old, with bunnies, and dolphins, and purple/lavender everything with a big lime green rug, and flowers everywhere. It IS pretty, it's just not what I would have picked. But it's going to be a guest room "when I'm gone"... whenever that will be. Everyone makes preparations for when I'm not around, that's so...great!

So I tried adding some of my personality up. RENT poster, pirate calendar, Garnier print, Brian Littrell, theater stuff, and lots of picture frames.

So that's all for now. I wish my head would shut up.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have high neuroticism. It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed. You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully. You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is low. You're a pretty conservative person, and you favor what's socially acceptable. You think that change for novelty's sake is a very bad idea. While some may see this as boring, many see you as dependable and wise.

The Five Factor Personality Test

I need help. What if I can't make it? I hear myself talk to him, and I can't believe some of the things I say. What if I don't have the control? It terrifies me when I think that I do. Is that really me? No, no. An imposter. I don't sound like that. Those aren't my thoughts.

It's too hard. It's been less than a week and I'm freaking out. How can I keep doing this to myself? Dreams come up, they get a yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no... then there's dark, and alone. All alone. I can't do this.

What's next? A year. One more year. One more year until forever starts. No, no. One more year until forever blinks. It will show you a glimpse and then shut off again. To and from, back and forth. Who goes where next time? Oh, we'll see. Because "it's meant to be!" Oh, yes.

Yesterday was there, it was good. Tomorrow is a year away. In between is this big black nothing. What do I do with that? It's miserable. Black is not my color, and it's definitely not slimming in this circumstance. It's fat and unforgiving. I don't want it, no no no. I want tomorrow. I crave tomorrow. I don't want to go without. I can't.

BJ had to hang up on me tonight. He always politely tries to excuse himself. I wouldn't let him go. Things were spewing out of my mouth like fire. I keep waiting for him to have a reaction. I want him to feel like I feel, but he won't. He doesn't. He's just fine. I'm a mess, but he's fine. I fall down, and he floats above me, waiting to pull me up again, and again, and again. Just once, I wish he were on the floor next to me.

That happened once. We both broke down. In some way, it made me happy. BJ and I were finally on the exact same page. Our tears mixed together, and we cried, and we shook, and I knew he felt the way I did. I just wish I always had that assurance. I don't though, and I feel crazy.

He tells me we can't always both be so down, and nobody likes being brought down. He's right. I'm the down one, again again again. That's me. Down so low I match the carpet. I patch it with my mass of blahness. We're the same, the floor and I. Flat and frequently walked on. Ugly and beaten. BLAH. We can't both be down, someone has to pull the other up. Why can't I be the one up? Oh, that's right. Because I'm me. Poor BJ. He has my pity.

I keep making the wrong choices. They have to be the wrong ones! Otherwise, I have an amazing talent for screwing up the right ones. It's soooo sad. The only thing right is BJ. It's interesting... I literally watch and listen to myself attempting to sabotage things. He doesn't let it happen, obviously... but I forced him to hang up on me tonight.

Everytime he said he had to go, I cried. I couldn't stop myself. I didn't want to be left alone. I said I was sorry, I didn't want to drag him down. I just wanted him to stay. I wanted him to say he loved me, I wanted him to imitate an elephant. I wanted him to hold my hand across the country. I wanted him to be with me. He tried, and I pushed, and I pushed, and I pushed. I told him if he wanted to leave, he would have to hang up on me. So he did.

I cried long, and I cried hard. I'm always so worried about losing him, and here I am pushing him out the door. Right when he said goodnight, the switch flipped, and I was me again. I said "BJ, wait..." But he had already gone. What did I do that for?

He'll call me in the morning, he says. I'm under attack. As if things aren't bad enough. I feel possessed. I say all the wrong things, and I know they're wrong while I'm saying them...and I can't make them stop. As they say in "Mean s", it's word vomit. It's horrible, yet recognizable...and I can't make it stop. I can't do anything right.

My mom is already back in her old routines. I'm wasting my life, my mind, my everything... I'm a failure. My mom is the only person I know who can make you believe that God invented oxygen for everyone but me... because all I do is waste it with my sloth-like behavior, doing nothing with my pathetic excuse for an existence. So what if I was a drama director at age 18? So what if I write plays and have them performed? Every accomplishment means nothing... nothing because it's nothing to her, because she doesn't care. She did nothing with her life, and yet she's happy. I've done so much while still so young, and that matters less than nothing. I almost forgot how terrible she makes me feel.

Whatever, I shouldn't write anymore. What do you care, right? Anonymous, anonymous. My friends are all anonymous. I'll meet you someday, oh you invisible few.

Dear Lord, please help me banish whatever it is that's attacking me. I can't wake up.

You Should Be an Actor

You have a flair for the dramatic, and you probably already do a lot of acting in your day to day life, just to entertain yourself. No need to steal the spotlight from your friends... You'll get plenty of attention once you start acting professionally!

What Sort of Artist Should You Be?

For a minute there, I really felt like writing a mini novel. But then, now that I'm here in front of the screen, it seems like everything I had planned to write is meaningless, or something of the sort. I really do have a lot to say, but I guess I don't feel like saying it. Honesty is one thing, but sometimes even honesty isn't worth it. What do you gain by being honest about something nobody but you cares about?

Anyway, I'm not making any sense. Surprise, suprise right? I feel like something bad is going to happen... or maybe it already did. Maybe I can't tell the difference anymore. Being sick doesn't help.

Did I mention I'm allergic to my house? Whether it's Harvey, or something else. I'm fine when I'm out and about (which... is never) but the minute I get back in here, my airway closes, my eyes burn, my throat itches, my nose starts a runnin... it's really driving me crazy. I get exhausted and winded walking to the bathroom, because I literally have to take giant breaths just to get a sufficient amount of air into my lungs.

So anyway... aside from the obvious, those are my complaints. I miss BJ terribly. After having a year of a long distance relationship, and then getting to see each other regularly, this is just going back.

I'm scared, too. When Melanie and I were really close friends, it was amazing. She was the best friend I had ever had. Then I went to go see her in Connecticut, and it was even better. Then I went home. It was too hard to go back to how it used to be, so we didn't. We completely lost touch. We talk from time to time, but I still feel like I lost my best friend.

I don't want to believe that something like that could happen with BJ, but it's a fear nonetheless. I am afraid of losing him, but that's nothing new. His life is in Alabama, and he has a lot of distractions. Soon school will be starting. I knew I wouldn't be SEEING him much when I was still planning on living down there. But now I'll barely exist. Not intentionally, no no. He's going to be sooo busy, and it's going to be hard to force myself not to feel abandoned. I want him to succeed. It's just so hard to miss him, AND know that I won't even see him on Sundays. Clinging to late night minutes, before he falls asleep from exhaustion. That's my future.

Anyway, I guess I could go on and on and write about pointless things. I really don't feel well. Aside from being allergic to home, it's sugar week, and this time i feel like I have the flu. WE went to go see the new X-MEN movie, and I felt so disgusting. I thought the room was stifling, but no one else seemed to notice. I was boiling, and my stomach was wretching... it just wasn't good. You don't need to know anymore.

So that's all for now, kids. "I hope you feel better." Yep. Me too. ME too...

C'est moi!

Home now. If there is such a thing without BJ. Good to see my family, and Cairo the giant. But I miss my heart. I gave it to BJ. So if you're here in Minnesota, please come cheer me up. I'm sad. I feel like I failed yet again. What am I SUPPOSED to be doing? I'm supposed to be with BJ, that's the only thing I know for sure. Anyway...

I start at Caribou again at the beginning of June. I saw Tony when we stopped there this morning, and he says he's gonna throw a welcome home party at Mama's, so if you're interested (or curious) lemme know so I can give him a final number. I don't know when it is though, yet...

So that's all for now. More later.

ME

Well, we're halfway home. Mom got us a room for the night in Tuscola, Illinois. We barely made it. Thank goodness they have 24hr check-in. We didn't get here until 3:15 am. We had planned to be here no later than 11pm. What happened? Oh, the Neon broke. Broke in a way the mechanic who worked on it had never seen before. We were set back, but grateful we weren't on the interstate.

Me, being the total girl that I am, when we passed through Montgomery I just HAD to stop and say goodbye to BJ one more time. The tearful goodbyes had taken place earlier yesterday morning, but just...one more moment. Because of my needed moment, we were in Montgomery, and not on our way to Birmingham. When the car broke, we were only a couple blocks away from where we needed to be.

The mechanic fixed it and fixed us. It took 3 hours, but we eventually made it back to the interstate, and now here we are. Because of our late start, I could barely keep my eyes open. I was so scared of falling asleep. I pulled over a few times to do jumping jacks, or something stupid like that, but... it didn't work. The air outside was cold, so every time I felt sleep tugging on my eyes, I would roll down the windows as fast as I could and blast myself with cold air. That worked for a little while.

Anyway, I was so close to falling asleep, and I needed help. So I called BJ. He kept me awake for the last agonizing 24 miles. We FINALLY made it. And I'm still tired. 10 more hours to go. ARGH!

So, anyway. Laura, thank you for your comments! I'm looking forward to seeing you this summer, too! And seeing your little baby boy! That's exciting. About BJ transferring schools, Huntingdon has somewhat...odd curriculum. Most students who transfer out of there run the risk of losing almost 50% of their credits. But, he actually does plan on moving to Minnesota in about a year at the latest. At least that's what he's said.

His family of course says that would hurt them, destroy them, it's not fair...but I did it, right? My family felt the same way. His family wants me to eventually move down there again, but unless BJ and I are married, I think I have to stay a northerner.

Well, that's all for now. Time to hit the road again! Let's hope the road doesn't hit me back this time.

G'night! I mean morning... boy, it feels like it's time for bed. BYE!

ME!

Oh, one more thing. THANK GOD NO MORE OH-POOH-LIKA! Opelika is ancient history, never to be seen again!

Well, Minnesota became the only option. We leave Monday the 22nd, in 2 cars. Kelly actually got her old job back in Connecticut. She's real excited about that. I don't know where I'll end up as far as work goes, but it will probably be coffee related.

This is going to be so hard. I'm really scared, actually. Scared of BJ and I growing apart. Our lives have been combined since January, and we've treasured every moment. Now they have to go back to being separate. Distance is one of the hardest obstacles in any situation. So many barriers. I don't want to lose him.

BJ says he wants to move to Minnesota. We'll see if that happens. If he does, it won't be for at least a year. I can't say I haven't often considered the whole "It's his turn to make the sacrifice" thing. I'm not keeping tabs like he is. He thinks I do too much for him, but I don't see it that way. He's done SO MUCH for me! And I just feel so blessed to have him in the first place. We're not uneven. Neither does more for one than the other. That's just crazy talk.

My body hates me right now. Sadness makes you tired, and happiness gives you energy. The majority of me is so sad about leaving everything and everyone here, and yet part of me is excited to go home. My body can't decide which one to go with, so I just feel disgusting, and sick. Goofy depressed! A lot of the same old problems will be waiting for me at home when I get there, but I think being away has given me a new perspective on how to handle them. No matter how many problems I have with my mom, or how much I hate working coffee sometimes, home is home.

I was watching "Where The Heart Is" today, and Stockard Channing's character said something great. "Home is where your history begins. Home is where they catch you when you fall." And it's true. That's why I'm going there. Home is usually the first thing you think of, but the last thing you want to admit to wanting when you have nowhere else to go. I wish I could stay with BJ. I wish BJ could pack up his life and leave...but I wouldn't let him do that. He has one year of school left. One year. He loves it in Minnesota. He'll love to live there one day too. Not forever, but for awhile.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Keep Kelly and I in your prayers. Thanks to amazing help from 2 glorious friends (Steph and Carolyn) Kelly and I will be able to make it home. We're renting a second car, and driving separately/together. That means we'll each have to drive straight through without alternating with someone else, which MIGHT kill us. I'm terrified. Please keep us in your prayers.

I'll let you know how it all came out. Until then,

BYE

ME

We met Charlie Kendall today. He was the man who said he would help us at Frazer. Today he told us there's nothing he can do, because we're not working full time in Montgomery. Same cycle, right? You're probably tired of hearing me complain about it. But now it's become abundantly clear that we can't even afford to go back to Minnesota. Going back home is now only a fantasy instead of an option. We're REALLY stuck.

At first I dramatized it in my mind. "It's this or die.." But...now it's real. It's really real now. I don't know what to do. I want to stay with BJ. I want it so bad... but maybe that's the problem. I never get what I want.

After leaving Charlie's office in tears, I went to borrow BJ's house key so I could use his computer. Then I e-mailed Charlie, and the Frazer webmaster, whatever that does. For those of you who want to know, here's what I said:

Mister Kendall and others,

Mister Kendall, thank you for taking the time to meet with my sister and I today. I appreciate, though don't completely agree with everything you said.

As you know, my sister and I will no longer be living in Opelika come Sunday, May 21st. I realize you may think this situation is our own fault. We trusted the wrong person. Like you said, Mister Kendall...even the Bible illustrates how men can't even trust their own brothers. I have been lead astray by many paths of broken trusts. I have a huge problem with trusting people, Mister Kendall. Even you. I apologize.

We are in a dangerous situation, and have been trying to get out of it. We tried ourselves, but are completely isolated from everything and everyone we know. That's why I reached out to Frazer. What better place to go for help? One major goal of a church, in my understanding, has always been to show the love of God to those who may not have recognized and accepted it before. That is why I turned to all of you.

We can't stay where we are, and now the 2 week limit (which is now down to 12 days) has been set. We have nowhere to go. You originally said you would help us find a place to live, but then told me over a week later that Frazer has a committee, and the committee has rules, and one of them is that you must be working full time in order to recieve financial assistance. Then we found ourselves yet again in that maddening cycle. We NEED to get to Montgomery. We can't find a study job without a place to live, and we can't find a place to live without a study job. We have no friends. We have no family. We have no one else to turn to. So I all but begged a church with seemingly endless amounts of resources to help me out. You said you've done all you can do. I understand.

You reminded us again that there is a specific group of people who have been overlooked by the city of Montgomery. Those who work full time, and still cannot afford to live comfortably. Whether or not you intended to, you were insinuating that my sister and I were not working, or not trying to better our own situation. That is extremely far from the truth. I, like millions of others have led a very difficult life. I never ask for help until I run out of every single option. I am a proud person.

I'm 22 years old, and I was the head of a huge drama program at the age of 19. I am skilled. I am intelligent. This wasn't supposed to be me. I wasn't supposed to be begging other people for hand outs. When I was a junior in high school and my mom was dying, everyone I had ever known came out of the woodwork to help me. I became a mother to my siblings at 16 years old. I was my brother's legal guardian. People brought food, and gave money. We had nothing. The medical bills all but bled us dry. I know people help people. I've experienced that miracle. I've just never had to ask for it before.

Mister Kendall, I'm tired. Maybe I was never supposed to be here in the first place. I don't have wood work here. I have nothing. I don't have my friends, or my family... and none of them could help me anyway. I am in a foreign land, and I'm terrified.

I realize your church that I wanted so badly to be a permanent part of does not offer assistance to "people like me". But do they offer assistance to the homeless? As of the 21st, that's what I am. I can't keep knocking on doors. I'm exhausted. I feel like a failure. I'm the reason my sister moved here, and now I've trapped her, and made her life miserable. She's four years older than me, but because I got her into this, she expects me to get her out, and I've tried, tried, and failed. Now we're living a nightmare. I feel so guilty. If not me, can you please help HER? This is my fault. This is all my fault...

I have one final question. Are there any jobs within the church? I will do anything. I'll scrape gum off of tables, I'll file papers, I'll sing, I'll dance, I'll act, I'll direct, I'll shine shoes. If I work for Frazer, would they help me then? Trade one service for another?

I don't know what else to do. I'm out of ideas. Mister Kendall, it's gotten to the point where I wish I could give up and go home. But I can't afford to go home anymore. I haven't got the money to do it. I'm lost, and I'm trapped, and I'm scared... and I keep praying for a solution. I really honestly sincerely thought Frazer was it, that they could help.

You told us to go on Welfare. We don't live here, they can't help us. As of the 21st, we don't live anywhere. Not only that, but Welfare doesn't give you a place to live. So forgive me, but that is the most unrealistic solution I've heard yet.

If nothing else, please keep praying for us. I realize you hear a thousand pleas for help a day... but this is the only one I've ever really made.

Sincerely,
Corrien E. Killmer


Okay God. I'm about ready for that window you're gonna open. The door slammed shut.

Well, not good news time. I feel defeated. I don't know where to go from here. Allow me to explain:

I have loved my time here with BJ, his friends, and his family. I wanted to believe this is where I was supposed to be. Three weeks before I moved, the place I was supposed to stay fell through, so I moved in with his family instead. I tried and tried to find a job, and nothing happened. I was viewed as lazy by most of his family, and that's simply because they had no idea. Nothing was working.

Benlee came along and seemed to be a Godsend. Too bad he wasn't. I moved to Opelika so he could be with Kelly, and that ended up worse than bad. He's now given us 13 days to be out. If he intended to shock us, he failed. We had been planning on leaving for weeks. All he accomplished was eliminating the guilt we have have felt in leaving in the first place. He owns this apartment, so it's his. Plain and simple. We'll gladly leave. If only we had somewhere to go...

Originally Frazer sounded so promising as far as helping us out goes. They told me they'd find an apartment for us, pay the deposits and the first months rent. It seemed to be another Godsend! Wrong again? I think so. I got a phone call today saying that we don't exactly qualify for their charity. In order to recieve financial assistance from them, you need to be working full time. Which leads us to the unbearable cycle yet again.

YOU CAN'T FIND A JOB SOMEWHERE AN HOUR AWAY FROM YOUR CURRENT LOCATION, UNLESS YOU HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE! YOU CAN'T FIND A PLACE TO LIVE UNLESS YOU HAVE A NEARBY STUDY JOB! Yes, thanks for telling me AGAIN!

We are out of money, we are out of resources. We can't afford to drive to and from Montgomery to make money we would have to use on gas to get to and from Montgomery. And in less than 2 weeks, we won't have anywhere to go to and from...from. We have tried and tried and failed and failed in the job department.

Nothing has worked out since I got here. The only thing that's so amazingly wonderful, is being with BJ. We've grown so much, and discovered so much more about each other. We've made it through a lot. A LOT. Lots of obstacles. And now we're stronger, and better prepared to face what's next. So if nothing else, I may have been here just to be able to grow and learn along side him. Through our daily devotions and discussions, we've become pretty solid. Moving away from him will darn near kill me, but not completely. It's going to hurt. A LOT... but if that's what I have to do... we'll survive.

It comes down to this. Unless I have found a SOLID job, and a SOLID (not temporary) place to live within 2 weeks, I'm out. I'm moving, yes... but back up North. BJ and I can make it through the distance, we've done it before. We know we're supposed to be together, but maybe not in person, maybe not in Alabama.

In August, I would begin my never seeing BJ anyway. With work, and school, it's been a long time fear that I would only be a distraction. Maybe I was only here for the here and now, I don't know. I don't regret it, not in the slightest. It wasn't a long vacation, like Debra likes to call it. It was work. Hard work. If my time is done here for now, it will be made clear in less than 2 weeks time.

Kelly and I have things to discuss, I'm sure. We're already talking about how we could afford a U-Haul to get our lives back to MN. We have pretty definite jobs if we did go back, back to the Bou. Can't say that I exactly WANT to do that, but...hey. I'm a legend there, and I'm good at it. We'll see what we see.

That's the update for now. I'm sure some of you out there are made happy by this development, either you want me back in MN, or other may want me out of AL. HAHA! It doesn't matter. It's God's plan, not mine. I have to figure out what it is and follow it.

Over and out.

Me

Time for good stuff. I waited until I could upload the pictures before I talked about this. WEE! Well, when I was around 14 years old, I set a certain goal for myself. Oh, yes. I said I HAD to do this before I died. What's that, you ask? Why... meet my favorite celebrity, of course! At that time, there were two. But surely surely, one was replaced with the other. (Even though I loved them both.)

LONG story shorter. When I was 7 years old, Kelly was in love with Jonathan Brandis. Not wanting to be alone in her teenage obsessions, she assigned my sisters and I our own celebrity to be in love with. Candace was assigned Jeremy Jordan, and Sunnie was assigned Eddy Furlong. No one knows who those people are now. I was fortunate enough to have been assigned Leonardo DiCaprio. It was an arranged love, and I fell into it happily. We had a long term commitment, Leo and I. ESPECIALLY in 8th grade, after Titanic came out. I had loved him since Growing Pains, so I could say he was mine first, but I shared him with my pals.

Towards the end of junior high/beginning of high school... I found another love. He was so good looking, talented, a SINGER, and a Christian. He was a Backstreet Boy, and his name was Brian Littrell. Leo was replaced in my room little by little, but never erased. He remains visible in my room to this day in some degree. I knew meeting Leo would never happened, so I set a "Before I Die" goal, to meet Brian Littrell.

Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006 I accomplished that goal. WEE! BJ, Kelly and I drove to Buford Georgia, to a Lifeway Christian Bookstore. We got there what would have been way too late if he had been appearing back home at TMOA. We waited for a little over 2 hours. We entertained ourselves by joking about our new favorite artist. Here is a sample of his work:



That is one of his better ones. It's entitled "Three Wise Men". I will include more of his work, since he makes me laugh. (He was almost on Flight 93 on 9/11, except that he wasn't. Not even close to almost! Now all he has is his art to show his pain. Bless you, Daniel Belardinelli. You are so entertaining! In a bad way!)

So then we met Brian! Here is my proof. The first picture is cute, and the second is classic Brian!






So now I have done it! I have accomplished my goal. Brian put out a spectacular CHRISTIAN CD, (check it out!) and we actually attended his release party. Cool, huh? *sigh* It was a great day, and I experienced it with the two best people possible. And the three of us were so entertaining, I gotta tell ya. We were hilarious. Especially when I tried to teach BJ to change his shirt in public, like a girl. (Put one shirt on over the other one, and then pull your arms in through both, then put them out through the one on top, and pull the shirt underneath out through the neck hole of the one on top) Confusing? Yeah, it was for BJ too. But the girls in the line got a kick out of it!

So that's my update for now. It was a great day. Later taters!

ME!

*Side note before the following: I would say don't hold me accountable for anything below, but it's in the wee hours of the morning when you're most honest. I just wish my honesty always made sense. Please ______, (fill in the blank) don't confront me about any of this. That wouldn't be fair, and I'll just ignore you. Just so you know. Feel free to comment, and enjoy the show. It's late/early, and I'm still awake. Time to be crazy.



Let it out. Get it out. It's 4:30 in the morning, and I find myself in the same position as last night, the night before that, the night before that, the night before that...

So many broken promises, too numerous to count. You try to find your way around, depression seems to mount..

Ah, yes. Fighting, falling, failing. Getting swallowed by another complete circle. LET ME OUT! What's that? You can't hear me? But I've already repeated it so many times. I'm too tired now.

What do you do about the past? What about the pasts that don't belong to you? Those are just as difficult. Sweep away, sweep away, there before but gone today.

Disappear reappear. Leave me alone! I don't care if you're all on your own.

What am I supposed to do now? Fix the world? That would be interesting. I'll snap my fingers, bob my head, keep up appearances, drive away dread.

DON'T FORGET TO SMILE!

Before you slip further away into debt, remember what it felt like. What's that? Freedom. Now it's laughing at you, taunting you. La, la, la, la! Yes, hear the lovely melody. You won't forget it.

There are worse things, of course. Sometimes life makes perfect sense. And THEN what do you do? It's not a whole lot of nothing today. It's barrels of somethings. Somethings that don't make sense together. It's a bad combination. Pity those who get something from that barrel on their plate. Pity. Witty pity.

I don't have to make sense today. I have the right to be psychotic. Check my license. I'm an authorized maniac. WATCH OUT! Oh, too late. You've been hit. Soon to be discarded by my ever present wit!

Shhh, don't give away your secrets. Soon they'll all think you're insane! But wait, how is that now? You've got the perfect brain. A prize specimen indeed! Frankenstein would be most pleased. Except for that part there, and there, and there... hmm. Everywhere. Mayhaps we disagree. Excuse me...

Are you confused? Oh, you readers out in space. It's okay. If you understood, I'd recommend so many things. Don't worry, I'll leave a trace. Of what? Oh, sanity. It's gone from time to time. but it will return! Along with all things sublime.

What do you do when you hit the bottom? Bounce back! Bounce back! What rhymes with bottom? Autumn? That's a nice time of year, but not here. I'm told the leaves don't even change. That's strange.

Are you okay? You're asking me. Of course! You know? I'm fine. Too often lacking distractions from a destructive state of mind.

Did you know my greatest wish, is to be loved and then be missed?

Don't critique my ramblings, don't ask me to explain. Don't tell me "Corrie, talk to me" don't analyze my brain.

So many things have gone wrong. So many interrupted songs. I'm trying hard to be me, but sometimes I don't know which "me" to be. I wish I made everyone happy, myself included. Sometimes I feel I found a dream, yet I somehow intruded.

It seems it's not MY dream...

But it has to be. My life. Yep, I'm still here. What is it that I fear? Waking up. Oh, yes. But it's not a dream, it's true. You know how I know? Because I'm me. You're you.

WAKE UP AND GO TO SLEEP!

My brain is too full. I need a lull in activity. Wallow in my misery and close my eyes, wake up surprised to find it all to be illusion, an intrusion in my own imperfect world. DELUSIONAL. Confusional...

I used to be a writer. Now I'm just a fighter. Not of any good cause, just fighting myself from day to day, trying my best to find the way.

I'm not alone, not at all. I know that. I know the way, to HIM I pray. He makes it all make sense. But the truth, my head ferments. Rotten truths turn into lies, and friends to spies. Sad, really. Silly!

Once again, don't ask me to explain. It's probably just a game. I say a lot of words, but only noise is being heard. I know, I know. Don't worry. I'll wake up anew, with YOU. No more sick, no more pain, no more worries, no more brain. Wouldn't THAT be insane? No. Nice... a break from boring, mundane.

We'll figure it out, God and I. He's a great guy. He laughs when I feel abandoned, and then he feels hurt that I felt that way in the first place. Now I understand. In the second place.

Crazy, lazy, dazy. Take your pick. Ooey, gooey good, it's thick. What's that? Oh, life. Trudge on through. It's at certain points the stickiest glue. Be careful! Whoops. There goes your shoe. (It's stuck... now what do you do?) Get some new shoes. The ones with the really good traction. ACTION! Take two.

Okay, this is getting lame, it's all the same. I know, I'll go. But first, let's rehearse.

Act One, scene... first. Let's Go! Get on with the show.

"Ahem, good morning friends! How are you today? Splendid? Splendid!"

Ended.

Monday morning report... BJ's truck was broken into last night. The passenger window was smashed in, glass everywhere. They took his CD player, and his entire CD collection, about 120 CDs. Instead of getting angry, he was just grateful he had taken the laptop into the house already, and they didn't take his French Horn. That thing cost more than his truck anyway, and he would never be able to afford another one.

I feel really bad about it, but BJ handles things like this so graciously. If nothing else, he hopes they listen to his CDs. They're 90% Christian artists, so mayhaps he started an unintentional ministry. That would be cool.

SO! If anyone has any CDs they think BJ might like, or can burn copies of CDs he used to have, that would be awesome. I would not be above posting a complete list of what he had. I wish I had the CDs he had so I could make him copies. The only ones he and I both had, were a few movie soundtracks, (RENT in particular) and RJ Helton. He lost all his favorites though. All his Third Day, Mercy Me, WOW CDs... etc etc.

His truck was parked in the street. So was my car, but I'm guessing Kelly's copies of the Evita soundtrack, and the Aida soundtrack scared them off. Who wants to steal showtunes? Nah. Definite deterrent.

So that's the update for now. Hope all is well with you and yours. BYE!

ME!!

Super Cody!


YO! Things have been going pretty okay. Time for the weekend update! Thursday night, BJ came up to stay in Opelika. We watched "Into The Woods" and ate Korean chicken curry stew. (thank you, Kelly! Yum yum!) After that, BJ and I attempted yet again to watch "Dark Angel"... but he fell asleep. Kelly stayed up late watching Alias in the living room, so BJ took my bed instead of the couch, and Cody and I camped out on the floor.

The next morning I got up way too early. I wanted to make breakfast for BJ, but we didn't have any eggs for pancakes. It was then I found a mix Uncle Randy had given us for "Just add water pancake mix". I made pancakes, and we ate them. After breakfast were showers and random silliness.

We headed to the movie theater after that to see "United 93", the movie about the flight on 9/11 that the passengers took over. It was well done, and left the audience in silence afterward.

After that we headed back to the apartment for a throw together lunch. It was yummy though! Then BJ and I headed to Montgomery. And just like every other weekend, we did a lot of nothing. Talking, sitting around, goofing off, making each other laugh. BJ does one mean elephant impression. (Poor, poor screaming child) Then we watched an episode of Smallville that we had missed. Shortly after that we fell asleep.

The next day, BJ and I sat around and whispered "sweet nothings, more sweet nothings, and even more sweet nothings..." until he had to go to work. Then I hug out with Debra and Jack for quite awhile, while uploading a bunch of songs onto the laptop for BJ. He came home at 3 for a quick break and scarfed down a Totino's party pizza.

That night we picked up San Marcos and watched old home videos of little BJ, and Lauren as a baby. Then BJ and I caught up on devotions, then watched one last episode of Smallville that we hadn't seen. Then it was bed time again!

This morning was up and off to church for the 9:30 traditional, and staying until BJ was done playing for the 11. After church we watched a 9/11 special about people who had missed Flight 93 by some strange twist of fate, and were supposed to be on it. One guy was absolutely ridiculous. I'm sure Kelly will write something about him in her journal. It was supposed to be serious, but we were hysterical.

After that, we headed to Arby's, and then the movie theater again (This time with Lauren in tow) to catch the new movie "Stick It". It was really good! The lead actress was hilarious. I enjoyed it. Then we came back, and watched more 9/11 stuff, finishing up with the A&E movie "Flight 93", which focused more on the emotional side, and the families of the passengers.

Now here we are, doing a whole lot of nothing yet again. Blah Blah Blah! So I'm gonna end this here! WEE! Bye!

You Are 19% Selfish

In other words, you're a warm, caring considerate person. Just make sure to get your way sometimes. There's a fine line between unselfish and pushover.

How Selfish Are You?

Huh...I guess I agree


Sometimes I get so tired of dogs. Darla eats everything. This morning she ate a popcorn bag. Not a bag of popcorn, just the bag the popcorn was popped in. She tears it to shreds and leaves a trail. Any food wrapper she can find, any and all bathroom trash can items (her favorites being used sanitary napkins) her own waste...it's just gross! Need I remind my readers that Darla ate her CHILDREN from her second litter of puppies? After hearing that crunch crunch, I shall never be the same.

BJ is coming to visit tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to that. We both get in these moods when we feel like we've been away for a really really long time. It's strange, yet true. There's a lot of stuff going on right now, lots of questions floating around in my head. Needless to say there are the money issues. Like how the crap am I going to scrape together this months' car payment? Eekers! Gas money is...non-existent. Nikki comes to visit on the 9th, and I have to figure out how I'm going to pick her up from the airport. I have no idea. NO idea. Birmingham is 2 and 1/2 hours away from here. It has to happen though. I NEED to see her. I NEED it.

So anyway. I really don't have anything to do but complain right now, so I'm just gonna quit now. Sorry and all that. I want to crawl into a hole and hide. Sound good? Splendid.

Bye Bye

Oh my I almost forgot! My Nikki is coming! My Nickleby! She's coming May 9th through the 13th, and I can't WAIT! I'm so excited. I just hope I have enough money to go get her. She's flying into Birmingham, which is 2 1/2 hours away from where I am. But it will be worth it. I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't WAIT! And that picture above is from her Semester at Sea livejournal, I didn't have another one, but... if you don't know her, you should! She's one of the BEST people you will ever know. I'll introduce you! Just say the word.


Anyway, there's another long, really long, did I say long? There's an entry below this... *cough* continue...

My goodness. I am sleepy. Guess what time it is? WEEKEND RECAP! WEE!!! Oh, it was grand, grand grand. So, like I said... Thursday I arrived in Montgomery for Debra's birthday. I had crocheted her a purse (With Kelly's assembly help) and threw a few odds and ends into it to complete the gift. We went to San Marcos, I had never been there... but I was sorta not feeling 100% anyway. The journal thang was kinda bugging me, but I fixed that. (I think I hope)

Anyway! After dinner we went to Movie Gallery, and then BJ headed to Wal-Mart. Still wasn't feeling too great. BJ knows why... we left Wal-Mart and then went on back to the house. Kelly called shortly after that. We had planned to go to La Vergne Tennessee Sunday with Benlee, to visit Randy, Jackie, Melissa, Joey, and Melody. HOWEVER... Kelly and Benlee broke up. He cancelled the trip.

Kelly was upset when she called, relaying a lot of the conversation to me, and things that were said about some people very near and dear to me. I was really...upset. When she mentioned the cancellation of the trip, I started to cry. I have been going through serious family withdrawal. I couldn't WAIT to see them! Not only that, but Randy is the relative who has seen Grandpa most recently. I wanted to hear how he was REALLY doing. Grandpa always says "Oh, I'm all right." I was sitting outside the house on a lawn chair just sobbing my eyes out. BJ came out and wrapped his arms around me. That's when the house of cards collapsed.

Everything caught up with me at once. I wanted to not be alone here so badly, I feel like Kelly being unhappy with her situation is all my fault! Then thinking about all the other little snowflakes turned into a snowball really, really fast, and it just kept growing. Thank you GOD FOR BJ!!!!! I can't say it enough.

BJ is so gifted, and so grounded, and so in tune with God. I am in awe of him more often than not. He does what others are afraid to do, and he says what needs to be said. He's humble, and he will admit to his own mistakes before ever pointing out somebody else's. Sometimes people don't know how to percieve him. Well, that's okay. BJ is patient. He doesn't disappear.

He's had many opportunities to disappear out of my life, but he hasn't. I love him so much. Lauren came out to check on me, so I started to walk quickly down the street, box of kleenex in hand. BJ caught up, running behind me in his sox. There was lightning around us, but it was okay. God carefully guided BJ to say what he knew I needed to hear. Sometimes I'm convinced he's an angel.

Eventually I calmed down, and we went back to the house. We talked awhile longer, and then explained the whole situation to Debra, who had been worried about me. We talked with her for quite awhile. Then BJ and I both made a journal entry. Eventually we went to bed. The next day, BJ was off! We woke up and did bunches of nothing yet again. We did our devotions, we made some phone calls... BJ got to talk to my Grandpa. (So did I) He couldn't talk long, he was very weak. It was so good to hear his voice. BJ is convinced Grandpa is going to hold out for awhile, until we get the chance to see him. Grandpa told me I have a jewel in BJ, and he's so proud of me for finding someone so wonderful. He said it made him so happy to know that his little Corrie was going to be well taken care of. I cried, I cried, and I cried. And there of course was my Knight (no longer in training...he's a true graduate!) wiping away my tears.

Honestly the day was kind of a blur. The night before had been so yucky, so I was just enjoying being with him. We took a nap somewhere in there, went to McDonald's, went back to the house, watched a movie. (Joseph, King of Dreams) and then I got ready to leave, but Jack and Debra wanted me to stay. They were afraid I would drive right into a thunder storm. I didn't object!

Saturday BJ went to work at noon. I accompanied the family to Kasi's 5th birthday party. To be honest, I had gotten my period the day before, and was feeling somewhat anti-social. But I was still oh so fun! It's true. And Kasi...she's just too cute. You can't not love that little girl.

After the party I took Lauren and Joni home with me to Opelika. They really wanted to meet Darla, and they really wanted to see the apartment. We hung out for a few hours, and then took Kelly with us back to Montgomery. Thursday night when I was all upset, BJ said "We're going to Tennessee on Sunday no matter what." I argued that we couldn't afford it, but he said too bad, he would take care of it, and I had nothing to worry about. He kept his promise.

We left at 5:30 the following morning, so we would make it in time for Randy's service. It was an AMAZING sermon, and I was so glad BJ got to be there. I always get excited when I see him interact with my family, and... I just can't even describe how happy I was being there. I haven't felt that way in a long time. There were so many incredible moments. BJ said it best when he said if you're not different when you leave a church service, something is wrong. We were all different when we left that church service. In a GRAND way!

After church it was back to the Berg's for Jim n' Nick's. Melissa and Joey joined us, and the fun began! It was hilarious. We hung out for hours, and soon it was too late to drive home, so we stayed. BJ and Randy had male bonding time with themselves...and Steven Segal. I gotta say it was fun listening to their man giggles from down the hall.

While there, I saw a pack of pics from Randy's trip to visit Grandpa. I barely recognized him in the pictures. He looked so old, so frail, so tiny, so sick. He didn't look like the man who would sing Elvis songs and play the guitar and bring us illegal fireworks. He was in a wheel chair, and had an oxygen tube under his nose. He looked so sick. So sick... so sad. My chin was wobbly, but I know he'll be through with it soon.

We left at 6am the next morning, and then drove back to Montgomery. BJ headed off to work at noon, and then Kelly accompanied me to the "woman's doctor" shortly after that. Kris's mom Carolyn was amazing in helping me fix this part of my drama. She actually went to high school with this doctor man, and she called them and set up a payment plan, since I don't have insurance. BJ is paying for it, and I am just so blessed. There are so many wonderful people in this world. I had to GO to the doc because I have to take BC to regulate my womanly monthly funly stuff. My previous health care provider wouldn't give me anymore without an exam (because I didn't have one at age 21 like you're supposed to) and so I had no standing prescription. Then I ran out of everything else...ANYWAY.

I had the ultra fun pelvic exam, and the doc asked me "So, why did you stop taking the pills? (I've been off for two months) Did you just run out, or did you stop for another reason?" (He asks as he has his hands up you know where....) For some strange reason, the following response had both he and his nurse in stitches. Kelly heard the laughter erupt from the lobby. (She figured it must have been my fault. I tend to entertain when at all uncomfortable.) Propped up on total display I answered cheerfully "Oh, I ran out. I ran out of pills, I ran out of money, and I ran out of insurance." I was just telling the truth, but they were hysterical! Maybe they were just really bored. They laughed a lot. The nurse told me I have great humor, and asked if the Minnesota cold makes you witty. I think that's quite possible. Quite.

Anyway, he gave me a three month supply of BC for absolutely free, and then told me to call if I need anymore. I was doing a happy dance, I was so thrilled. One crisis taken care of! God WILL figure it all out, and he will use amazing people to help reveal his plan. (Like CAROLYN! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!)

After that, went to BJ's to visit him since he was conveniently on his lunch break. He went back to work, then we hung out with the fam for awhile before heading back to Opelika. Now here I am! And my butt is sore from sitting here...and I am oh so tired. I think I will go fall over dead now.

Thanks to everyone who contributed to my heavenly weekend. I fear I was spoiled. I know I was...can't wait for a repeat.

Peace out, yo.

ME

My, how things change.

There's so much going on right now, but I just can't write it down. We'll get to some things later, I'm sure. Right now, however, there's something I'd like to address. I drove to Montgomery today to visit BJ's family for Debra's birthday. When I got here, BJ told me he had a visit at Oaktree. The visit was from Laura's mother. Apparently Laura DOES read my journal, and was offended by an earlier entry. She showed the entry to her mother, who went to speak to BJ on Laura's behalf. So...

To Laura (and her Mother) --

First of all, I really was unaware that Laura read this journal. To be quite honest, I can't help but wonder why. Then I put myself in her place, and yes...I would be curious too. I am sorry if you were offended by what I wrote. I almost wish you had known me at the time I started this journal. Throughout my life, I have hidden away things rather than say them out loud. I was quiet, shy... soft spoken. I never said anything to anybody. When I started this journal, I made a vow that I would never do that again. I warned people that if they didn't know what was going on in my head, that they really shouldn't read it. It's my JOURNAL... I write about my life, and what's good and bad within it at a certain moment in time. I know you never encountered my dramatic warning, but that's me nonetheless.

When I first met BJ, he told me about your relationship. As our relationship has continued, I've learned more and more. Sometimes more than I think I would like to know. A lot of it has been hard to handle. I had a lot of things swimming around in my head. Everything I've given to BJ has been a first for me. Whereas everything he's given to me has been a second. He says it doesn't feel that way to him, but hopefully you can understand where I'm coming from.

In the entry that offended you I mentioned that I didn't know you personally. I only have what his friends and family have told me to go by. I understand that this is not fair to you. Of course they're going to say things about me to make me look better. I'm here NOW... it's nice to hear, I admit it... but that doesn't exactly mean it's true. I know you had a lot of wonderful times with BJ and his family. Sometimes I wish they really were ALL bad...but I know that's not the case.

Laura, I am jealous of you. You got a lot of firsts from BJ that I'll never have. Sometimes I feel threatened for no good reason. I've struggled with it a lot. Especially after what Kris said in BJ's journal. Being me and having experienced my life and all its drama (believe me... you don't want to know... ) I thought maybe you still wanted to be with BJ, and that statement would give you the "green light" so to speak, to go for it. I know you never gave any indication of that whatsoever, and I've never even communicated with you... but being completely isolated from anything and everything I've ever known has really turned me into a nutcase (at times...)

I want you to know I respect you and your history with BJ. I know a lot of things went wrong in that relationship, mistakes on both your part and BJ's. I also want you to know that I really truly love him, and he has rescued me from so many things I thought I would never be able to recover from. Because of you, BJ has learned and grown so much. You helped mold him into the man of my dreams. I am forever in your debt...in some strange way. I really truly sincerely thank you, Laura.

I'm sorry you were hurt by that other entry...I'm glad your family wanted to protect you. I wish I had my family right now. I have to tell you that the only reason I wrote all that, is because that's what I do. I'm a writer, Laura. I've struggled with BJ's past for a long time, and only wrote about it once. That's the only way I know how to fix things. If I don't write them down, they never get better. I wrote down all of the things BJ told me about your relationship (minus some things out of respect) and since you didn't hear it from him, it seemed wrong. I don't blame you for that. I shouldn't speak on his behalf... but he and I are a united front.

In the future, don't be afraid to confront me on anything. I admit I was angry that your Mother felt it necessary to tattle on me to BJ. I didn't think it was fair for either of you to think you had that right. (Especially since BJ both knew and supported my entry. He thought it was healthy.) I was under the impression that there was no communication between the families. If you find any other reason to contact BJ about me, I urge you to come to me first. If that seems weird to you, don't let it. It will probably be the weirdest for BJ.

I thanked you in the other entry, and I'll do it again. I hope you learned just as much as he did. I'm sorry if you felt your past was broadcasted through my journal. Honestly, Laura... aside from BJ, my sister Kelly, and maybe two friends... no one reads this. I've lost touch with everyone. That's part of the reason why I feel so isolated. So if you feel even further offended by me reaching out to you through my journal... I didn't know another way to go about it.

God Bless you, Laura (And your mom, I apologize I don't know your name) and I am sorry for hurting you. I hope and pray your life is joyful and truly happy. If you feel like you need to talk to me, or BJ...

director@plansee.org

Thank you.

-Corrie

Take My Quiz - on - QuizYourFriends.com!

This is really dumb, but I couldn't resist. I made a quiz about myself, that's how pathetic I've become. It should be easy, because everybody already KNOWS everything!

Your Hidden Talent

You are a great communicator. You have a real way with words. You're never at a loss to explain what you mean or how you feel. People find it easy to empathize with you, no matter what your situation. When you're up, you make everyone happy. But when you're down, everyone suffers.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

WHOA! That's pretty close. Indeed. Elke used to say that about me all the time... when I'm up and when I'm down. Interesting. Very interesting. Anyway!

So, yesterday BJ came up to surprise me again. Boy, do I love that man. I got giddy when I found out he was on his way. Hopping up and down like a little kid. He treated us to the wonderful $5 Little Caesars pizza, and brought a movie to watch. It was nice having food that wasn't Tuna or Pirates of the Caribbean cereal. (And it was HOT!)

We watched "Into The Blue" while it absolutely poured outside. After the movie, BJ and I did our devotionals. (2 Kings 4-5 was our scripture reading for the day). And then BJ acted out soda commercials with his Sierra Mist can. You know that diet Pepsi commercial with the Diet Coke stunt double? Yeah...he's silly *smiles*

It was a short night, but a wonderful night nonetheless. This is indeed a short little update, but I just don't feel like I have much to say today. Ah, well! Keep the prayers a comin' for the job/money thing. Things are getting kinda difficult in that department. (Actually they're already there... and we're going crazy.)

I always love hearing from those I love, so please e-mail me sometime! I would LOVE it! I really really would. And I would RESPOND! Come, friends! Be friendly!

Love you all, and hope to hear from you soon!

ME!

Oh, thank you Lord. Last night was wonderful. BJ and I had the most amazing conversation. Everyday inside of everyone, there's a spiritual battle going on. I just feel like mine has been intensified. Depression has tried to sneak back in, and I couldn't let that happen again.

I've been dealing with a lot. I'm overly concerned with the past, and how people view me in the present. I've always liked to believe I don't care what other people think of me, but that is so far beyond the truth. I care. I care too much. My physical appearance has always been a factor with that...and attacks on that perception come several times a day.

BJ and I had a conversation last night, with God right in the center of it. Everything that's been pushing me down was gone. The evil images, thoughts, and memories in my head were gone for the first time in months. They couldn't even come close to me last night. It felt so good. I had tears in my eyes from time to time, as BJ and I really laid it all out on the table. We discussed in detail how everything in our past lives has prepared us for our relationship.

BJ had a previous relationship, I never did. It didn't go well for him. There were a lot of mistakes, a lot of shame, and a lot of action out of obligation. He wasn't happy with it. Sometimes I have a problem dealing with his past, because I didn't have any similar experiences. He's very honest about it, and has told me absolutely everything. Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's better or worse to know everything. Of course it was before he knew me, but certain things about our relationship that I truly treasure, were someone else's before they were mine. He made promises of forever to someone else. I never have. Sometimes thinking about all that really pushes me down. He's my first, my last, my only. I'm not his first, but he tells me I'm his only. He was with Laura for 2 and 1/2 years, but I get forever.

Since the beginning of our relationship, I have been compared to Laura. Everyone in his family has had something to say. They never portray Laura as anything but a prolonged mistake, making me look better in the long run. BUT-- I don't know her at all. I only have to go on what my future in-laws have to say. "You're so different from Laura, thank God! She would say..." blah blah blah. I can't wait to stop being a Laura comparison, and just start being me. I'm nothing like her, so let me be myself. She seemed to be everywhere. But BJ put everything Laura in the bottom of the trash can. Pictures, papers, stuff. There was a lot of her, but not now. Now she exists only in history.

That's been a struggle. Since BJ has only had the one past relationship, it was a big deal both during, and after. It greatly affected his life. Sometimes he wishes that relationship had never taken place, but at the same time realizes (and has told me many times) that his relationship with Laura had to happen, he had to make all those mistakes. Doesn't mean God necessarily wanted him to be in a relationship like that, but since he went ahead and did it anyway, he wanted him to learn from it. BJ faced a lot of conviction and guilt during that time, but came out of it gratefully. He was glad it ended, and felt free. Because of that, he was able to realize and embrace all the lessons he learned from his mistakes.

Both BJ and GOD have told me that since BJ went ahead with that relationship, God decided to bless him anyway. He needed all of that in order to become the man God knew he had to be for me. And it's true. He made a lot of mistakes with Laura, so he wouldn't have to make them with me. My life hasn't been easy, and sometimes I make loving me difficult. BJ has learned to stick it out, just like he did with Laura. He tells me he felt like that relationship was over after the first six months, but he held on because he believed love to be a choice, and he had to choose to stay in love with her, and therefore try harder to make it work. He wouldn't give up until he had done absolutely everything he could to make it work. I asked him then "If love is a choice, does that mean you could choose to stop loving me?" And he looked at me, and said "No way. That's impossible."

The latest person to compare me to Laura was Kris. He did it in BJ's journal, which BJ later deleted. He said that he honestly believed that Laura was a better match for BJ. He didn't mean it. He was saying a lot of things, but that's the thing I had been inwardly struggling with...so it stuck to me. Laura reads BJ's journal. Reading that gave her power over me without her even knowing it. It probably made her feel good about herself, but... Kris didn't even like Laura. He probably did in the beginning, just like he did me. But BJ is and was devoted in relationships, and jealousy comes into play a lot when a friend finds someone they want to be in a relationship with. They end up spending a lot of time with that person. I think when BJ fell in love with me, Kris started viewing me the same way he did Laura. One problem though... I'm not Laura. I never demand "us time". I encourage his friendships, and feel guilty that he doesn't really see anybody anymore.

I've read old entries from BJ's journal, and have read all about his friends. Friends he never sees anymore. He says a lot of it has to do with Huntingdon. He took time off from school, so since he didn't see them around campus, it was easy to slip away. He also says seeing them makes him feel guilty for not staying in school. He associates a lot of those relationships WITH Huntingdon, which really isn't fair to the people who genuinely thought of him as a friend all around.

I don't believe I ever did anything to hurt Kris the way he thinks I did. When I entered into my relationship with BJ, I entered with a lot of insecurities. I had no one on my side...I was entering a world where no one knew me, no one could vouch for me... I was entering BJ's world as an outsider. I was so scared. I wanted everyone to like me. I wanted to make good impressions. When Kris started disliking me, I was devastated. I was failing. Kris had a network here, I didn't. I didn't have a support system, I didn't have anyone to stick up for me. I wanted so badly to be accepted and liked... and it wasn't happening. I can honestly say I never wanted anything, but to be Kris's friend. I never did anything but exist, that resulted in the distancing of Kris and BJ's friendship. They still get together and do things, and the only thing that bothers me is that I feel like I can't be a part of that. BJ's always open and honest about his time and conversations with Kris, but parts of me still feels like he feels guilty...like he's having an affair or something. I can't deny I don't feel that too...because who wants their boyfriend to hang out with someone who thinks his girlfriend is an evil life ruiner?

Kris said a lot of hurtful things. I told him he was cruel. He told me all he ever saw in me was bad. That's why I said he was cruel. Mainly because he had never seen me at all, so he never got the chance to recognize anything good OR bad. He never got to know me, he never talked to me after that first trip down here. I guess I'll never know why. I know what he SAYS happened, but I still cling to the hope of hearing the truth. I don't care what the truth is, it's always better than the "not truth"

Kris says he no longer has a problem with me. He says he's glad BJ's happy. I just hope someday he takes the time to really get to know me, and then he'll see... he did an amazing thing in getting me to come down here in the first place. It was his idea. Whatever his motives were, he succeeded in making his best friend very happy, and me happy...which might not matter to him, but it matters to me.

Anyway, after that long conversation last night... I took a little time with God and myself...and I forgave. I forgave everything and everyone. Things I didn't even know I needed to forgive. And now... the son is shining.

I don't know how many people read this journal o' mine. It was linked to BJ's, and I make posts other places, so who knows how many people click and read. If Laura reads this... I'm grateful to you for helping BJ become the man he is today. You probably didn't know that's what you were doing, but you did. And he's wonderful. I'm glad your relationship with him happened. I only hope you learned as much as he did, for you to use with the one God has chosen for you.

If Kris reads this...I look forward to talking to you. I still cling to the hope of trying those tacos you promised me way back when!

And if Kris's Mom reads this, thank you for EVERYTHING you've done. Everything with Kris, and everything with the medical aspect of my life. I have an appointment on Monday.

And if no one else reads this except BJ and Kelly, I'm okay with that too. I'm kinda glad I wrote about what I wrote about. I had stayed away from it, but it's out there now. So to Kelly... hang in there. And to BJ (who just called to say he loves me on his short trek to the little Oaktree gas station from the main store...I love you too!) I love you so much. From my beginning to your end and back again. (smiles) Thank you for your patience, and your understanding. Thank you for last night. THANK YOU GOD FOR LAST NIGHT!!! He really has blessed us, BJ. I treasure every moment with you, especially those that we put God in the center of. You're my miracle. I doubted your existence for way way too long. Now you're here, and I thank God for you every day.

This ended up being a longer entry than I had anticipated. I feel freedoms in things that tied me down before. I'm grateful to everyone who helped me get there, even though some people didn't even know they were a part of it. God used your pasts to teach me things, and then blessed me and BJ with that wonderful conversation last night.

I think I could go on all day long...so I guess I will stop now. I love you ALL.

ME

BJ and Corrie - Easter Sunday - April 16th, 2006