Well well well. Where to begin? Nothing major has happened really. I work all the time. Since BJ's visit in August, I have been working 7 days a week. Maybe the distraction helps.

I've decided to take weekends off. I think it's a brilliant idea. I desperately need it. BJ and I are both very busy now. Our conversations are minimal at best. We're trying though.

Originally we had planned to see each other next over Christmas. That's seeming less and less possible as each day passes. I don't think I can pinpoint now why exactly. Sometimes it all just seems too hard. But then I look at my life, and I see that every part of it has been difficult. Why stop now?

There have been some good times recently. Nice distractions. Two trips to the state fair! Woot woot! The first time was with my parents, Sunnie, and Paul. Sunnie and my mother are the of inappropriate comments. "Blond" moments if you will. Like when we walked into the bazarre and Sunnie shouted out "Mom! I smell your nuts!" while referring to my mother's favorite cinnamon roasted almonds. Or when Sunnie commented on the large "anatomy" of some horses..."Here it comes again!" The public is never safe.

The second trip was just Kelly and I. That one was not without its laughs either. That trip was my treat, and we really enjoyed ourselves. We hit all the musts. Next year, I HAVE to stick to it and audition for the talent show. I know I'll at least QUALIFY for the finals...and that right there is $100 in my pocket. Judging from who qualified on Saturday, I'll do just fine.

Aside from the fair, there aren't too many other highlights. Lakeshore is taking up a lot more of my time. I kind of AM the weekday Box Office now. Kirsten quit. Can't say that I blame her, but now I'm pretty much in charge. Even though it's rather terrifying, I am good at it. Joan keeps telling me how wonderful I am. I don't mind.

I'm tired all the time. I'm sick a lot too. I'm an outsider at Caribou now, and all by myself at Lakeshore. I'm "too busy" for invitations, at least that's the impression I unknowingly passed on to my co-workers. I'd tell you how much that royally sucks, but it still makes me sad. They whisper plans around me like I'm an idiot, and all the while I just...stew. That's okay. Work "friendships" are all temporary anyway. The only think you have in common is work, and when you try to keep friendships after leaving a given job, it never works. I've seen it happen again and again and again.

Maybe I'm just becoming bitter. People don't want me, and now I don't want them. I've unintentionally developed the attitude that some are just out to get me. Kelly and Kris are nice and thick again, and I won't lie...I it. Just a few months ago it seems...Kelly absolutely despised him. I stood by and was endlessly accused for not defending her enough to that unimaginable monster...and now he complains TO Kelly about my relationship with BJ, and that's A-O-K with her. She's just like SUnnie when it comes to Kris. No matter what her friend has said or done to me, it doesn't matter if they still want to be her friend. She loves having Kris back, and deny it all she wants, I know she likes the fact that he can't stand me. Every sibling enjoys having someone they don't have to share with their family. I could care less. (I'm a liar, of course. At least I have to live up to my lying reputation...which Kelly's best friend is the AMAZING author of. He's the best writer ever! Word. He should switch from reporting to pure fiction...that's where his talent truly lies.)

So that's my rant. I know I'm just bitter, right? Jealous? Call it what you will. Everyone stays close with each other, and I am rolling around in their dust...covering up my hurt with all the dirt they leave behind. What you can't see can't hurt you! So go ahead and glance. I'm just fine. Don't look too hard though. You might see the truth and feel a little bad. So sad.

Anyway... I wonder what I would change if I could do it all over again. I can probably list about a hundred things. But I've gotten so many lectures about the Butterfly Effect whenever I mention that question just out of curiosity. What would YOU do different? Would you keep me around? Would that make a difference? If I didn't exist...how many people's lives would be drastically different? Would Nikki and Lurae be the same people without that "party"? They weren't the same people they were before that happened...I wonder what they would be like now? Stupid scenarios, really. I wonder, I wonder. Who would be different? Everyone wants to make a difference in the world. Maybe not in the ENTIRE world...but someone's world. I wonder whose worlds I've made a difference in. Questions that were never meant to be answered.

ANYWAY. It looks to me like I've gone through a little writing withdrawal. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe not. Who has time for it anyway? Not me!

Bye then. Later tater.

So BJ has come and gone. Perfect timing, really...not. The day he leaves I get the worst cold ever, AND sugar week. Can I die now? Life is so unfair sometimes.

So... we had a terrific week. All my planning really paid off. And so did my wallet. Which is now empty! But it was worth it. I loved every minute of it... a lot of it felt like a dream, and now the dream is over. Time to wake up.

The short version of the week? He got here Saturday, we went to Lurae's wedding (A lot of it was miserable...not gonna lie)then we went to the drive-in.

Sunday we slept in, cleaned the house, and prepared for my "party". Pretty ood amount of peeps, and they loved my Tacos. I saw the previous Laura Meverden, now Anderson, and her baby boy Noah. I was very excited. Kirsten came, and the best part of all...my cousins came. ALL of them! Well, from that one family anyway. I was so happy. I worked hard on that day, and it all paid off.

Monday we hit TMOA, then left on our camping trip with dad...first to Jay Cooke again, and then Split Rock the following day. Ending our trip on Wednesday in Grand Marais. We attempted to visit the grandparents, but they were not home. Oh darn. That night we hung out with Nikki, then watched "Get Over It", one of my all time favorites.

Thursday we laid around lazy for awhile. We watched Les Miserables and then got ready to pick Kelly up. Why? So we could go out to eat at Applebees. No, no...AFTER THAT. Oh? Well...oh yes. We drove to the Ordway to see RENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so excited I had tears in my eyes. It was incredible. That's all I have to say about that.

Friday we slept in a bit, and then went out to eat at...Applebees. We didn't tell her we had been there the night before. She was excited! She treated us, and then she treated us to a movie. "World Trade Center". We all kinda cried... After that, we drove around looking for my missing medication that I had bought that morning. It is gone...BJ offered to replace it for me. My love, I love you. Then we went to Cup N' Cone... and then picked Kelly up from work, and drove around to different video stores, trying in vain to locate a copy of "2gether"... it doesn't exist anymore!

Saturday we did a bunch of nothing, then went to the library, and to Kelly's apartment and watched a bit of RENT. Then it was off to a KFC BUFFET! But that was only because it was the only thing we found anywhere near VALLEY FAIR! Which was really fun. We stayed til close and then went to the Maplewood Taco Bell.

Sunday I was sick. But we went to church, then came home and packed, ate some pizza, some brownies, and then...airport. I've been miserable ever since.

I desperately miss him. The lonliness seems suffocating at times. It's heavy. My shoulders hurt from the weight. It's all pushing down... I know it will get lighter... but right now it's just all I can do to stay on my feet. This doesn't feel right. This isn't how it's supposed to be...is it? I don't understand. I can't understand.

So now it's back to phone calls. Phone calls that last ten minutes about two or three times a day. Sometimes I get lucky at night time...but there's a possibility that I'm an opener again at Caribou...which means no more night time... I know I nag him a lot. He says call you after dinner...and dinner means eat in like ten minutes, and then talk and hang out for a couple hours while they watch TV...and I wait. He's back to being theirs now, I'm back on the back burner. I know that's not his fault, that's just how it's going to be until he doesn't live at home anymore. But I don't think that will ever happen. Unless he joins the military...and I don't think I could survive that either.

BJ starts school soon. Then we'll never talk. I'm terrified. I'm really scared. What do we do now? What do I do? Any suggestions? Please God, don't let me disappear.

So that's that. Bye for now. It was a great week. Anyone know where God hid the remote? I wanna hit the rewind button.

BJ is here day after tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OKay, so I'm excited. That, and I'm writing this at Lakeshore, where they are currently building the set for Cheaper By The Dozen, and there are a lot of random fumes roaming around. They were also painting in the basement, so...yay. ANYWAY! Life is good. Jobs are good. Caribou is kinda sucky...new manager now. I loved Michael. I am sad. BUT... I don't work there again until AFTER BJ leaves. So... it's not on my mind.

GUESS WHAT?!?!?! I have a drama program again! I wrote to Pastor Steve, asking about whether or not there was still a program, and he told me they have nothing without me. So I'm BACK! WOOT WOOT!

I guess that's all for now. Kirsten and I were burning up in here earlier, so we turned the air up..er...down. Whatever. Anyway...it's cold now, and my fingers are numb...it is difficult to type.

If any of you readers out there would like to joine BJ and I and my (our) family and some random friends on Sunday August 6th... show up at my house by three and you will not be turned away. We're gonna play Apples to Apples! Color me excited!

BYE!

I love you BJ....!!!

I'm a pathetic person. I'm incapable of maintaining long term friendships. I think I'm a breeze. Af eel good friend. The comedienne needed for an uplift before one finds ones true self. Anyway.

I'm also scared. Ever since Louisa told me I'm just a background friend, I've tried to be anything but. I've tried to be substantial. The one! Important. I guess I failed.

I can't tell you how gut wrenching it is sometimes. Lurae has basically had three real, true best friends in her entire life. Me, Nikki, and Alex. I'm the only one out of the three completely left out of the biggest day of her life. I've been replaced over and over again in so many lievs. Why do I never stick?

I'm also jealous. I see the invitations for Lurae's Bridal shower, and bachelorette party. Not only am I jealous because she's getting married, but... no one has ever thrown any sort of party for me...even when they actually said they were going to. *sniff* They never came to my birthday party *sniff*

I'm really good at fake friendships. They're all over the place. That's part of what scares me. There's not much deep meaningful information passed between co-workers over the making of a latte. YOu don't really get to know anyone at work.

I'm scared that I have no "real" in my life. I'm afraid my wedding party one day will consist of mandatory sibling appearances. I'm scared there will be no one on the bride's side, because every relationship I've ever had has been completely surface.

I don't want to believe that, but that's how it feels sometimes. I'm dependable though, that's for sure. I was told by Nikki that she spends more time wqith everyone else, ebcause she knows that I'll always be there no matter what, and they probably won't be.

As crappy as that is, she's probably right. I'm never the one to walk away, I'm always the one watching while others do. That...sucks. It's okay though, they knw where to find me. And they do...when all their real best friends kick em' when they're down. They turn to Corrie the clown! Sorry, no jokes today. I don't wanna play.

Do you know how much it sucks when all of your friends tell you you're no longer part of their group? Gosh dang...why has that happened to me TWICE with two different groups of friends? Just a background friend, blah blah blah.

When there is a gathering, I'm the last one they think of... oh, wait...not last...never. It just never happens.

I'm not a part of Lurae's big day, but I did manage to merit an invitation. Nikki thinks that alone should make me happy. I always thought I would be more than that though. Not a wedding guest, a wedding must. A part of it. Push it in more. The initial stab wound didn't kill me. Harder now, please. I want to be numb.

Ignore the drama, it's just my flare. I don't care. I'm just sad. It's sad to realize you don't mean a fraction of what people mean to you. You're a blip. They already passed over you. For awhile they thought you were a UFO...new and exciting! What's that?!?!?! Oh...just you. Dang. We thought we had made a discovery. Oh well. Continue on your own. We don't need you to be happy anymore. Blip on by, blimpie.

I know, I know. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Why am I a breeze? I don't want to blow on through, I want to hang on. Hang onto you. But...I guess the whole prying my fingers off should have been a clue. I get it now. I'm through.

I want to be important. I've spent so many years fighting for these people, begging them to be a part of my life. They're all worth it though, that's the hard part. But now I'm tired. I want to be fought for.

I want one real, true friend. Someone I can count on. I know they already count on me, but I want to count on them too. Is that too much to ask? A real friend, please.

They're all so fleeting. Zubi, Stina, Sarah, Jessie, Ariel, Lisa, Emily, Melanie, "THEATER" Nikki, Lurae... I miss you all. I didn't leave though. You did. I'm still here! Good luck with life!

Jessi Campbell always makes me feel important. I love her. She's moving to Australia. That sucks. I'm lonely. She's too beautiful to be my friend, anyway.

Well, I have BJ! He's my everything. Sometimes I feel bad for him, because I have no one else to talk to. He has to hear it all. Most of the time he knows all the right things to say.

I miss you too. I miss you three. I miss you all!

When I fall, fall... will you catch me, catch me, catch me?

OVER AND OUT!

ME

Your Pirate Name Is...

Evil Ivy the Infected

What's Your Pirate Name?

Today is Sunday. Pretty much my very last day off, until BJ gets here. I guess that's a good thing... anyway. Yesterday was fun.

I worked at Caribou from 7-1, and then went home. My mom and I wanted to spend some time together, and I decided that I wanted to show her the new Festival Foods. Awhile back, Amber had given me a call asking me if I was interested in working there. (Dunn Bros) She wanted me to come in and apply. It sounded pretty promising. So... I drove over there and applied. Her boss made it sound almost for sure. Telling me I would start at 9/hr as a shift lead, and the job would probably start in about three weeks. WELL...

I never heard from anyone there. But we went, nonetheless. We each picked out some deli salads to eat, and then we went into Dunn Bros. There was a guy at the register. I think his name was Adam. So begins the WORST service I have ever gotten at any Dunn Bros...ever. While i was standing in front of him, waiting for him to acknowledge my presence, he was shouting goodbye to a co-worker leaving through the door behind me. Back and forth, so on and so on. HELLO! CUSTOMER RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! He was working with two other girls. One girl was brunette with her big hair hanging down...everywhere. Around FOOD and BEVERAGES?!?!?!?! That is so wrong. Gross.

We asked if we could pay for our deli salads there. Adam said "Um...no..."whiney voice" we can't do that here." My mom was surprised, because of how Vadnais works. He said something about how their system was more sophisticated. My mom kind of scoffed, saying how can it be more sophisticated if it creates more problems for the customers? He just shrugged and I was like 'Yeah...well we can't do that. YOu have to pay in the store. But yeah, people complain.' and I was like... um...duh.

So, I paid for the stuff we were actually getting IN the coffee shop. I ordered my mom an iced white mocha with less espresso. BOY did THAT confuse them. They stared at me for like... five minutes, asking each other what I could have possibly meant by that. During the ten minutes it took for that one drink to be made, (with no other customers present in house, or drive-thru) after they finally figured it out, my mom asked if they were hiring. Adam told us no, and that they still had a lot of applicants. My mom said "Really? My daughter here was asked to apply." And I said "Mom, that's because Amber wanted me to for a certain position." and mom was like "Oh, that's surprising." And Adam was like "If you don't believe me, I'll show you the stack. A lot of people want to work here." I was so put off. And he did a sarcastic laugh in between every sentence, like ...oh, we're SO much better than you.

So, my mom went off to pay for the deli salads we wanted to have with the coffee all out in the grocery store. After mom was gone, Adam spoke up again. "Yeah, Amber mentioned wanting one of her friends to work here." and I was like "That would be me." and he goes "Yeah...for shift lead, right?" and i was like..."uh-huh." And then comes the sarcastic laugh, followed by a "Well, that's too bad for you, because I got the job." *laugh, laugh, laugh* "Not to make you FEEL bad or anything." *smirk* I wanted to scream at him. If you got the job, would it be okay for me to tell you you suck at it? YOu didn't even know HOW to make the drink I ordered! So, I looked up and smirked back at his cross armed self, and was like "Can I have my salad dressing please?" He looked disappointed, like he wanted me to be crushed, and I wasn't. "Yeah, okay." And he scampered off into the deli to retrieve it. Then he came back, presenting it triumphantly like 'I am SOOO good." and then I smirked back again "Can I have a fork, please?" And there was that stunned 'oh crap' look I love and cherish so much, and instead of grabbing me the forks I saw right behind him, he took off into the deli again. He came back with a fork and was like "We've been like...really busy today." Yeah, I could tell. YOu stood around doing nothing when I got there, and you stood around doing nothing LONG after we left the counter... even if you had a "rush"... you weren't out of anything, you were just lazy.

I was so put off by the entire experience. The service sucked, he treated me terribly because I had applied there, and I was upset that neither Amber or her boss contacted me in any way after ASKING ME TO APPLY! Amber really should have told me. Instead, I felt humiliated. So they filled the job. My opinion? They did a bad job. He was rude and incompetent. Why did this happen? Oh, because. But thank God I got a preview now of how much I would have hated it there. Applicant or not, I was a customer...and I wouldn't have been able to stand working with any of the people I met yesterday.

So anyway! After that, mom and I went to Super Target. I bought some dust masks and an air conditioning charger for my car. WEE! I'm excited. I needed the dust masks so I could clean out the basement with Harvey down there. I'm really allergic to him, so I was hoping that would help. It did!

So I went home and worked my butt off cleaning out the basement. It's a beautiful theater again! Complete with revamped concession stand, and two life size carboard cutouts. Of who? Why... Captain Jack and Will Turner, of course! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

After that, Holly and Taylor from the Bou came over and watched a movie. We watched "American Outlaws". I didn't make it through the whole cleaning/viewing experience allergy free. My breathing and eyes were affected, just not as bad. My neck itched like usual, and my nose was running. It was my eyes that were terrible. Even after I went to bed they were oozing. I kept waking up to find balls of crap clinging to my eyes. Crusty gross. I was down there way too long. Harvey needs a new home.

So, that's that for now, I guess. Happy Sunday! Oh, it better be.

Today is BJ's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE! I love you soooo much. You are my heart!

He happened to get my birthday package directly on today, which was good. He loved his presents. And I love him! Oh, happy day! At least I hope it was.

2nd week at Lakeshore, and all is good. Slightly less intimidating. I LOVE the girl I work with every day, Kirsten. She is so sweet, and we love all the same things. It's absolutely grand! (She loves Pirates and Gilmore Girls... we becamse fast friends.)

Caribou right now? It's just of...annoying. Like a distraction. I love the people I work with, but... the job in itself just seems to drag on, and on, and on...and I feel like I'm being cheated out of a lot of money. I probably am. Caribou corporate is evil. EVIL! Everyone knows it. Even my boss.

Cairo is huge. He like to bite things. Body appendages not excluded. It's all in play! But...ouch? We all love Cairo so.

Well... I really don't have much to say. The time in which BJ is coming is approaching! I am literally counting the days. The hours! The minutes... I can't wait to be with him again.

That's all for now! BYE!

Well, tomorrow will be my third day at Lakeshore Players. I'm pretty excited about it. It's kind of intimidating, but what job isn't at the beginning? You're always terrified of the day when training is officially over, and you're supposed to know what to do... all the time. You get left alone pretty much you're entire shift when you're in the box office, because Joan, boss lady, pretty much stays upstairs in her office. BUT... she has been writing a grant since I started working there, so she's had her hands full.

Caribou is good, except there are too many complainers. That's annoying. Everyone thinks they're more deserving than someone else, and it's just this long, boring...AHHHHH cycle. Grow up!

In other news, Pirates opened on Friday. I saw it with Jessi, and then saw it later the next night with my family in the UltraScreen at Marcus. Kelly, Jamie and I went early to be able to get seats. We got tickets almost 6 hours in advance. (EVERY show sells out EVERYWHERE. Beat THAT Superman!) While we were waiting, my brother decided to engage me in a terrifying game of the crazy rabid mongoose high-five slapping game. He made it up on the spot. He ended up injuring me so badly, I fell on the ground. Welts and bruises immediately appeared on my arm. My skin BUBBLED...what causes that? He hit me soooo hard. It looked like I had burn marks. It was crazy. I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry, so I did both. Kelly rushed to the concession stand, asking for a plastic bag with ice, claiming "My brother hit my sister, and she got hurt..." It was hilarious!

So that's all for now. I'm waiting for BJ to call. I was expecting his call about an hour ago. He's just...too busy sometimes. Everyone loves him, and the long distance girlfriend doesn't exactly win that contest. I guess I'm on the back burner for now. Oh, well. It's the best things on the stove that have to just sit and simmer. More flavor, ya know? That's me! Chicken a-la-queen. Er...soemthing like that. Cream sauce. I dunno...

3:45 workin tomorrow morning. Stop distracting me! To bed I go!

Yay! I done got the job! I start tomorrow. I'm excited. The first show they're doing is the summer youth project, basically about how teens came together after 9/11. I get tickets to every show...pretty sure, so I'm excited! (The next show after that is Cheaper by the Dozen) Also, Lakeshore rents out the auditorium... so mayhaps some Plan See performances make take place on this very stage:



I am really happy about it. When I was there for my second interview, they showed me some of the process, and I was confused as heck. But I know I'll figure it out. I hope. I'll be in a theater again! I've gone through a little withdrawal. It might seem like small potatoes to some people, but I'm kinda proud of me. They're never hiring there. I don't care what stage I'm around, as long as I'm around a stage!

I am really tired for some reason right now. I just don't feel right. I feel...weird. Like I'm floating. I tried carrying on a conversation with BJ earlier, and all of my words were coming out in the wrong order.

IN other news. Treasure Hunters is pretty good. That's not news, I know. It's entertaining. BJ's brother Jake was saying that he wanted to do it next season. I think he would be awesome! I told BJ he should do it with him, win some money, honey! They'd be excellent. They would need a third though. I suggested BJ's brother-in-law, Jason. *shrugs* I dunno. It would be pretty cool though!

Sunnie and Paul are currently blowing really loud raspberries on each other's stomachs. It's really annoying... they are so weird. Heh heh heh.

Well, I guess that's all for now. BYE!

For BJ, I love you with all my heart. You are my one and only. NAF.


"MY ANGEL"
He says I am his angel.
I know that can't be true.
I must admit, the way I feel, Is all so very new.
He says the Lord has blessed him,
By showing him the way.
The way to start a brand new life,
By loving me each day.
He says I make him smile
But sometimes I wonder why,
If I'm the one who's heaven sent,
Why won't this feeling die?
For I am not the angel,
That I hoped I once could be.
I fear he's got the story wrong, it simply isn't me.
For darling, you're MY angel,
My gift from God above.
You've given me the chance to prove,
That I know how to love

- Corrie Killmer

Your Body Image is 88% Unhealthy, 12% Healthy

You don't feel good about the way you look... pretty much ever. And it's impacting your life so much that you need to seek help.

How's Your Body Image?

Huh. Unfortunately, I was completely honest. I used to think I had no idea why I always felt the way I felt. That's not really true. I'm constantly reminded.

Aside from being made fun of, growing up... all of my insecurities stemmed from my mother. It's STILL going on today. Just a few moments ago, Sunnie came into my room to tell me she had brought home some puppy chow that she made for the Stauff's 4th of July party. I was excited! Sunnie makes the best puppy chow. (It's CHEX cereal, coated in chocolate and peaunut butter, covered in powdered sugar.) She told me to go get some before it was gone. I went right down stairs, did some chores, and then grabbed a little handful of the puppy chow. Then my mom set in.

"Stop eating bad! Just stop!" I was like...huh? "Mom, I don't eat bad..." I attempted to say, but she disagreed. She said it was her responsibility to tell me when I was damaging myself. She was saying I am extremely unhealthy... is she supposed to be the role model for all that's healthy? HAH! So I said "Why do you say these things? YOu just make me feel bad about myself." And then she said "If you have to feel bad about yourself in order for you to stop being so unhealthy, then so be it."

I walked away, and then turned back to say one more thing. "Mom, I had a handful of puppy chow. I hardly think I'm on my way to a weight forced wheelchair. Leave me and my body alone." THen she replied:

"I didn't say anything about your body, but if you want to talk about THAT... well then. I have plenty to say." and I just... gosh. I said that was mean, and she said it wasn't, and that she said nothing wrong, and I always insit on turning her words into something negative. How is the above supposed to be taken, I wonder?

She's always been cruel about my weight. One thing about our house that's absolutely crazy...if it's edible, it's off limits. Every type of food we own is my mother's property. If you consume something without her consent, you have to hide the evidence. Sometimes I think I could be in the clear by eating something good, like baby carrots. Wrong. Those were for a stir fry, how dare I? I eat too many oranges, and I'm a greedy pig. And of course, if you touch any of the junk food? You're done for. That's all my mom's... and she eats it all, too! If there's ice cream in the freezer, and you touch it... oh... you are so dead. But... she only eats healthy things, and I'm going to die of severe obesity.

People think I'm kidding about that. When I was in Alabama, staying with BJ and his family... I didn't touch any of their food. I would pretty much only eat dinner, when it was handed to me on a plate. That's how it is here, so I guess that's just the way I've been conditioned. Then I realized I was abnormal when Debra would ask what I had eaten for lunch. I started feeling guilty for NOT eating... so I would say I wasn't hungry, claiming to have an upset stomach or something. The fear was just too great to consume something that might be someone else's property.

There were so many times BJ would grab something off of their counter, or a cupboard and eat it. A chocolate bar, a doughnut, a cupcake. I was appaled! He would laugh at me when I would say "That's not yours!" And he'd look at me like I was crazy. Then he would say "It is now." I would have been in serious trouble for doing something like that!

Yesterday, my mom bought ice cream sandwiches. She gave me a speech while I was doing the dishes. "Absolutely no one has any type of dessert in this house without my permission. I buy things for myself, and I never get any of it. If you want to eat something, you can buy it yourself." But if we do that? Mom gets angry, saying how dare we buy something for ourselves with no intent to share it with her?

So, she picks on me, on my body... always has. The jelly bean. Need I say more? Probably... to those of you who have no idea what I am talking about. Every day, I get out of the shower... and without even realizing it, I say this exact same thing to my reflection, and then move on. "You're disgusting." And I believe it. I can't stand the sight of my body. I'm ashamed of it.

So the blog quiz says I need help. That's interesting. I lost a lot of weight for evil once. At least that's what I call him. Now I have love, which is BJ. Why can't I do it for him? I go back and forth, back and forth. Lose a pound, gain two. I don't understand it... because I don't get to eat at home... but when I do eat, I'm so hungry that I overdo it. Skipping meals all the time ruins my metabolism... I know. It's so hard to erase all those years of conditioning. Especially since I'm still living with my mother.

Kelly lost 100 pounds when she was in Connecticut. She moves back to Minnesota, and gets a lot of it back. Why? My mother has a way of doing that to you. It's never good enough for mom. "Kelly, you don't want to slip. YOu don't want to stumble..." For years, I told mom to just let us be... let us be ourselves and we just might amaze her... instead of breathing down our necks every single day about what we're doing wrong. Kelly moved away, and look what happened? Good things. She comes back? Not so good things. Thanks, mommy.

Anyway... I know I have an extremely unhealthy attitude about myself... but it's really hard to conquer and control. I'm working on it.

My mom's food bans work a lot like the legal drinking ago. Kids in other countries have had alcohol around their entire lives. When they hit 21, they could care less. They're not becoming raging alcoholics just because they couldn't before. My mom has hid food from us our entire lives. No wonder we have weight issues. I go to someone else's house, and they offer me a cupcake... I'm gonna eat the cupcake. Not because I want it, but because I can never have it. SABOTAGE! Is that her plan? "Kelly, Corrie... you would be so beautiful if you were thin."

Well, enough of that for now. I'm gonna go hide from the mirror.

Happy Independence Day! Woot woot! Yeah...

My family hasn't gone to go see fireworks for years. So... I work tonight, and guess what they decide to do? Ergh. Oh, well. I get to be at CARIBOU! Where else would I want to be?? Bwa-ha-ha.

Pirates is coming out Friday.

I am going to go now. Sunnie brought treats.

Was that the most pointless entry ever? Possible...

I LOVE YOU BJ!

Happy Sunday! Or at least it will be. I woke up after a night of disturbing nightmares. I let the dogs out, ate some shredded wheat, and then watched Lethal Weapon 2 with my mom. Now it's housework time. Dad's working today, which is good...because he's not exactly speaking to me. That's always fun. That's always been one of his downfalls. He'll turn his back on a family member no questions asked, if someone else claims they did something bad. My mom would make him do that to me, and now Kelly. Spectacular! Who needs them? I do...

So we're supposed to have pork chops today. Kelly moved into her apartment and stayed there last night. I hope she enjoys it. She'll probably be here today. There will be some hostility thrown around, and I'll end up in my room...yay. Outcast ruins the day. It's not a negative attitude, I promise. Just a realistic one.

I wish BJ lived here, so I could be mroe like Sunnie. Sunnie is NEVER here. I hardly ever see her. She's like a ghost. She's always doing something with Paul. If BJ lived here, I'd probably always be doing something with him...when I'm not working.

When did I become the family loser? I did amazing things. Sunnie goes to school, and I help her with her homework... I could do college without college. Kelly goes and drops out, goes and drops out. She gets an apartment with no application process. My brother used to get straight D's and F's...he gets a B and gets a reward. I am the only child who got continuous straight A's throughout high school, so I never got rewarded. I would get in trouble if I dropped to a B... but never got rewarded.

What motivation did I have to continue? I guess that's my own fault. Right out of highschool, I went straight back to be the theater director. That's SPECTACULAR. I become the drama director at a church ALL BY MYSELF! I do things people wish they could do, but I don't have the oohs and ahhs of a stellar paycheck. Oh, Corrie. You're such a failure.

I leave this place, and have to come crawling back. That's why I'm my own personal failure, but what's their reason? My mom says I'm wasting my brain. How does she know? She doesn't know anything about what I do with it.

My dream is simple. Perhaps laughable to some, but it's always been the same. Since I was five years old... I would follow my mom around, immitating her housework. I had my own mini broom, my own mini mop. I wanted to be just like my mom. She took good care of us, she made the house sparkle. I became a neat freak at a very early age. I would watch my mom cook, and ask to help. I was the first child who learned how to make her enchiladas. I wanted to be just like my mom.

Granted, as I grew and my mom changed, I didn't really want to be like her at all. I want to be just like how my mom used to be.

I want to be a housewife. I don't have huge career ambitions. I don't want to be the woman executive on top of it all. I don't want to be an interior designer. I don't want to be in social work. I'm not my sisters. I want to have a husband, a home, and a family...and I want to take care of those three things, every day for the rest of my life.

Here comes the laughable part. IN my spare time, I'm going to write either one awesome novel, or a series of young adult fiction that will skyrocket into the public eye, and be turned into a series of highly successful motion pictures.

Laugh all you want, I'm a good writer. Not the descriptive genius that Kelly is. I make people laugh. And my plots are good. Not many people have gotten the chance to read any of it. I guess that's okay with me. It's hard being a writer's friend, I would imagine. They always want you to read their latest project. Oh, well. It took BJ months of me poking and prodding him to get him to read Channel 13. Maybe I'm NOT a good writer. Hmmm...

Anyway. Off to the library I go, I guess. I have a movie to return. I love the library. It's so quiet. No one can fight with me there.

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits. Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle. Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it. You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

What Time Of Day Are You?

I had coughing attacks all night last night. I wonder if anyone heard me. probably not. I woke up this morning, and every possible sadness was hanging over my head. It seeped into my bones, my muscles...I couldn't move. I lay there for hours. Bj called back and forth in between things he had to do. I read some things, I cleaned up my room. I didn't leave my bedroom until 12:30. I got yelled at for that.

I've felt like this before. Every time I have, I've ruined somebody's day. Last time it happened, my mom told me nobody wants to be around you when you're like this. So, I thought I would avoid it altogether. I just didn't come out of my room.

I'm just so sad. So many things seem so hopeless. I'm so scared of ruining what I don't even have! I don't want to say goodbye ever again to anyone. I've recently found so many people that I haven't talked to in a long time. I thought that would make it better. I thought I would be better. I'm still alone.

I stayed in my room so I would be liked for the rest of the day. My chest hurt from all the heaving. The air is thick and humid, and it seeps in and chokes me over and over again. I wish they understood how that felt. I'm not making it up.

I flipped my calendars over today. They had been in Alabama with me too. On the calendar this month are things that brought me to tears. Places I was supposed to be, things I was supposed to go to. I'm not a part of those memories to be made anymore. I'm here. On the calendar is written "1 yr first kiss" on July 11th. 2 days later is BJ's birthday. He'll be 23. July 22nd is BJ's grandparents 50th anniversary party. They had me mark it on my calendar months in advance, so I would be sure to go.

Today is Kelly's move in day. I walked downstairs once or twice. She was piling all of her belongings in the entry way. She's very excited. A couple of weeks ago, I was with Jessie Coffey. She was telling me about her new furniture she was getting. I asked her if Kelly could have the old stuff. She was going to give it to someone else, but I convinced her Kelly needed it more. I got my big sister some furniture.

The only thing Kelly asked me to do today was call Jessie. Jessie has an annoying ability to make me talk, and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to pour out what was on my heart. I just wanted to be quiet. There's nothing wrong with that. I asked Kelly to call her herself, like she had said she would yesterday, and the day before. It wasn't my responsibility. True, my motivation for saying that was selfish. I didn't want to be probed. I just wanted silence. Plus, I didn't know when, how, or where, so i didn't know what information Kelly expected me to gain on her behalf by me making the phone call.

She god mad, complained to dad, they both were mad. Everyone was complaining about me. No one asked me to help, but they were furious that I wasn't helping. I just wanted to stay out of the way. I didn't want to make the day miserable, like mom says I do all the time. Do I really make everyone so unhappy?

I'm so unhappy. I'm compeltely miserable. God is saying wait to everything I ask him. God's timing, God's timing. I just have to wait for God's timing. No one seems to understand that I'm actually going through something right now... and I'm not out to ruin anybody's day, rather I'm just trying to get through it myself.

Kelly complained to mom and dad yet again about Alabama. She did everything for me, paid for everything, supported me to no end. YOU'RE WONDERFUL KELLY! YOU'RE PERFECT KELLY! YOU ARE THE BEST DARN SISTER IN THE WORLD! Are you happy now? Were you in the same apartment I was? The food you bought? You ate most of it. The gas you paid for? You were in the car for almost 100% of it. No, I didn't have any money, but financially is not the only way to support someone. I talked you through all of your hysterics, I supported your decisions with Benlee. I defended you to no end, I confronted Benlee about things while you stood off to the side. I went through Charlie Kendall for you. I did everything I could to make it better, I just didn't have the $$$ to flash in front of your face and prove that I was worth the air I breathed. SOOOOO sorry!

I am trying to make it up to her. I just wanted to hide from life today, I wasn't refusing to help anyone. No one asked me to! Dad called me down and said he just couldn't understand how selfish I was. Kelly had done absolutely everything for me in Alabama. He said I had no sense of honor. I owe her to no end, and yet I "refused" to help her. I got her the furniture, I didn't know how or when she wanted to pick it up, and I told her that...but she wouldn't respond. That's worth telling me I have no sense of honor? I am doing what I can. Buying you a Superman cup isn't paying your car payment, but it's what I can do. A millionaire can buy a house for the homeless...but if a homeless person gives a millionaire his only coat, which is the bigger gift? You had money, I didn't. YOu had over $1,000 and I had pennies. I did what I could. I gave you shifts. Money I desperately need to start paying people like YOU back... but I am TRYING to make it up to you.

You're never going to let the money thing go. I could pay you back every penny and you'd still hold it over me, about how much you've done for me, and how great you are. We all know, Kelly. You're just a broken record. Leave me alone. I can only give you what I have, and I don't have as much as you do. Quick...tell me again before I forget it. You're spectacular.

I just want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to keep getting my face shoved in the mud. YOu can keep telling everyone how much I let you down. Keep telling our PARENTS how much I owe you. Earn their favor over me, I don't care. To me it sounds like lies. They weren't in Alabama, I was. Everytime you paid for something, I said "YOu know I would do this if I could. I really appreciate this." and you would say "Don't worry, Corrie. I can cover it." Well...I guess I SHOULD have been worrying, huh? Who knew you would throw it back in my face again, and again, and again? I didn't have a choice. I had to beg everyone for everything. You think I liked that? I hate it when I owe people things for this exact reason. It makes you feel superior. Enjoy your pedestal, I'm fine here on the ground. SOOOO beneath you.

Please...just leave me alone. Everyone who thinks they've got something on me. Something I said, soemething I did, something you remember and I don't...I'm already broken. I just want to be happy...please please please. I just want to be with BJ. I just want to enjoy being in love, instead of being so miserable. All of this hostility flying around just makes me miss him more, and more... and it's literally killing me. I'm sick all the time. Sick with no doctors, so please...please? I just want to make it. Instead of pushing me down, can you just let me walk a few steps?

Thank you.

So... life, huh? Nothing to do but to live it. Life is what you make it? Crap. I haven't done such a good job then. Can I have a do-over? Nah... a lot of the stuff in my life is spectacular. I wouldn't give a lot of it up for the world. I would change it though. Alter it... make the impossible possible.

ANYWAY! Caribou is the same as it's always been. There's a possibility that I might leave it though. It's likely that I will get the job at Lakeshore Players. Aside from that, there's a possibilty of going back to Dunn Bros again. But a different one! A brand new one... it's beautiful. And Amber is there! WEE!!!!!!!!!!! So... more money, more hours. Sounds like a good thing. We'll see what happens with that. I'm not sure if it's a sure thing. We'll see.

I originally felt like writing a lot in here... now I just feel... blah. I saw Superman Returns. It was good. I guess that's all for now. I miss people.

I was gonna go ahead. I was going to make it. What am I doing now? Hiding. From what? Everything. The water is too cold, I'll stay on the shore, thank you. I try to swim and someone always screams SHARK! Why do I always believe them? Older and wiser, that's why. Why would they lie to me? Because they do. LIARS!!

"People make you promises they'll never keep. Soon you'll know why people say talk is cheap."

I wish I were a tug boat. I'm the big giant ship stuck on a sand bar. I wish I were a tug boat.

It's so easy to leave me behind. Why do I make it so easy? Go ahead. There are more important things to do. Why are you reading this? It's nonsense. Just the ramblings of invisibility. There's nothing to see here. Not unless you're me.

I could have. I should have. I would have, but I didn't. I don't know why, but I didn't. How did I get back to here? Back to then. Beginning/End.

BLAH BLAH BLAH. Take the sting away, time for today...a day, one way or another. I love you, BJ. Everyday.

Experiences fly around, and I can't seem to catch them. I get the used ones thrown in my face like dirty Kleenex. "You can have it now, I'm done with it. It's mangled and run down, but it will do. It's only you." Well, sure. Why invite me when it's new? It'll do, it's not for you. It's me. See?

Have fun without me. I'll be here waiting. Waiting to snatch a piece of your happy tranquility for myself. I'll bottle it and keep it under my pillow. Make a wish, make it billow.

I sent smoke signals today. I had no idea what to say. I stirred a pot of ashes. Shortly after that, it crashes. What? My eyelashes.

"Let me sleep, for when I sleep I dream that you are here, you're mine...and all my fears are left behind."

Yes, please. Pleas! I plea for thee! For me! For WE! Help...I can't see.

I can't predict the future. Hold still...this might hurt a little. You'll feel a pinch, don't move an inch. There, done. Now wasn't that fun?

Oh, yeah. A ton.

Please don't forget me. You're in my every thought. All of you. You make a knot. I can't forget, I won't. I don't. I need you all. I'm tall. I need support, or I'll fall.

What RENT song are you?

You're "What You Own." You often think your life isn't worth living, but occasionally, you remember what you really are put on this earth for... to live
Take this quiz!

So, I had a good weekend. Almost. It was much needed. I've been having a sort of tough time with life...dealing with it and what not. Missing BJ, depression, illness, the no money thing can get ya down... I just got real tired of my life.

I asked BJ Friday night, how can we change this? What if I can't make it? What if I can't keep doing this? How would we be able to change the situation. He said just to trust in the Lord, and he'll help us find a way. I know he's right, but at the same time... it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

The next morning brought on a lot of dread. I hadn't slept most of the night, every possible bad thought was endlessly invading my mind. I had somehow signed away my life for awhile, working from 7am to 11:30pm at the Bou'. Don't know how THAT happened, but it did. I wasn't thinking clearly, I dunno.

Everything had been mounting for awhile, so Saturday morning I had to sit myself down, and take some deep breaths, so I wouldn't just altogether explode. I set myself up for failure. I have Satan a way in. I said "I'll be able to make it if I'm not on front register." So I get there, and see that I'm on DT orders, which is FINE. But then Caity rushes back to change it, so she can have her sister where she wants to be instead. VERY wrong, but that's where I was stuck. I said "Caity, please don't do that. I have a sixteen and a half hour shift today!" She shrugged and brushed it off. That's when it all snowballed.

I couldn't function. I found myself walking intho the back room repeatedly, trying to stop the panic attack that had been trying to get out for weeks. I started hitting myself in the head, trying to knock out the screams. It wasn't working. I ended up sitting down and talking to Lauren for awhile, before calling BJ, trying to find that much needed comfort. Sometimes it all just gets to be too much. Why am I back here? Why isn't BJ with me? Why am I not with him? And then you think about all the medical issues that I can't afford, the fact that I've been working there for over a month without any paycheck... figured it would happen, right? I have a car payment due, I have meds to buy, I'm sick, I'm miserable, I'm lonely... I don't see anybody, and I can't figure out if that's the way I want it or not.

I'm turning into a total recluse. Sometimes I like it. I turn on a movie and pretend. I don't feel as alone then. The truth is, I think even if I was surrounded by people, I would still be lonely. I would be lonely for BJ. He's stronger than me, of course. But he's also the man. I'm the sappy woman.

After my panic attack subsided, I continued to work my never ending shift. The customers were steady right up until close, and I was nearly dead by the end. I was never happier to go home.

Saturday morning, I woke up way to early considering the events of the previous day. Up at 8, I ate some breakfast and decided to indulge in a bit of my childhood. I watched "The Little Mermaid" from start to finish, remembering how my kindergarten mind had interpreted the dialogue I didn't understand back then. That was fun.

Later that afternoon, my dad made good on a promise to take me camping. My, Dad, Mom, and Jamie all headed out to Jay Cooke state park, and found the most BEAUTIFUL camp site. Aside from setting up the tent in the backyard with friends, I hadn't been camping in years.

We set up camp and then went on a hike around the park. We lost Dad somewhere along the line. After the hike, we went and bought some food to cook on my dad's camp stove. It was so much fun. We had hot dogs and baked beans. True camp food.

Jamie and I shared one tent, my parents took the other. Jamie got a gushing bloody nose right when we got settled, so that wasn't pretty. He got blood EVERYWHERE in the tent.

The next morning we made bacon, eggs and toast. Yum! I caught up on my devotions while Jamie and Dad played guitar. After that, we packed up and headed out. We stopped at another state park on the way home, and went on a little mini hike along Kettle River.

NOw we're back, and I work tomorrow. I was supposed to work tonight, but I had someone cover for me.

I guess that's all for now, until something spectacular happens to me! Or...something...

You Are Royal Blue

People find you difficult to understand. In fact, you often find it hard to understand yourself. You think so much that sometimes you get lost in your own thoughts!

What Color Blue Are You?

Wow, I agree. This one actually works. That's me all right. ESPECIALLY the royal part. I'm not head peasant anymore! Beat THAT Pope! Dirt flinger...

It's fun finding random pictures on random discs in random places. I miss my cousins. Kyle and Zach. We used to be so close. They live in S. Carolina now. Kyle and I were best friends once. He called me Coco. Kyle and Coco. All Zach did back then was run around in his underwear with a towel around his neck, proclaiming he was the great and powerful "Zac-a-wee!" I used his tire swing without permission, so he found the biggest rock he could lift, and threw it at my foot. My pinky toe nail fell off... The great and powerful Zac-a-wee got in a "wot of twubble"... I really do miss them.

So, not much has changed, really. I'm sick a lot, though... and missing BJ really takes a toll after awhile. I'm tired all the time. But I'll stop whining, I promise. Today at Caribou absolutely sucked. It was really busy, and I was having lung issues...(can I get new ones already?) And I kept having coughing attacks. I had a million things to do, would ask for help...and people would look away and pretend they didn't even hear me. That was SO aggrivating! My only ally ended up being the most unlikely person ever! I would be completely bogged down, and there would eb people leaning against the wall, arms crossed, scowling at me going "Corrie, do you have that cooler yet? Where's the vanilla breve? I need three vanilla coolers and an oreo snowdrift!" And I would just look at them and say "Sorry, I can only do five things at once." Screen FULL of drinks, me alone on DT BAR!!! and then people on a power trip (no names mentioned) are telling me to make whips, get ice, and empty coffee urns. I DON'T THINK SO!

Anyway, I couldn't get out of there soon enough. I felt like so many parts of me were about to explode. I'm so tired of people smoking in the drive-thru. I end up wheezing the rest of my shift and sounding like a freak. Hack, cough, wheeze. I really AM a sickly kind of person. That sucks! I love my co-workers, but too many of them have superiority complexes. Makes me want to tear my face off. I was so overwhelmed, so tired, so sad, and so sick. I got out of there as soon as I could, collapsed in the car and just cried.

Life is hard right now, and everywhere I look I'm blasted in the face with another complication. I was informed I'm over 3 months away from health benefits. I'm barely keeping up with 20 hrs/week to GET the benefits, and you have to have that straight for 3 months. So even though I feel sick enough to go to a doctor, I can't GO to a doctor. It hasn't killed me yet, and I can still function like a semi-normal person.

I really really miss BJ. I just want him to hold me and never leave. That would be wonderful. Curl up and watch a movie with me, I want to lay my head on his shoulder with his arms around me, while he literally whispers "sweet nothings" into my ear. I want to disappear into yesterday until it's time for tomorrow.

Highlight, I get to be home with my family, yes true. Jamie cracks me up. He's currently rehearsing something that can only be referred to as an undoubted hidden track gem on his debut album. It's entitled "The Two Faced Cheating Lying Lawn Gnome". It's hilarious! He recorded it, and played it back high speed.

Well, that's enough complaining for one day. Life is tough. Get over it, right? I found a little name game thing, and decided to partake. Enjoy! And partake of as well if you so choose!

CIAO!



1.YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (middle name and current street name)
Erin Sharon

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME:(grandmother on mom's side, your favorite candy)
Beverly Dove

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your last name)
C-Kil

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Blue Sheltie

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Erin St. Paul

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
Kilergcod

7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards)
Nire


8. PORN STAR NAME: (first pet, street you grew up on)
Snickers Ryan

9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile your mom has)
The Blue PT Cruiser

I laughed... it was funny!

You Are 32% Abnormal

You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul. You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

Things are pretty okay, although I really miss BJ. I saw a movie today that I had been wanting to see for quite awhile. "The Lake House". It was so good! Or maybe I just loved it because I'm a girl, I dunno. Had all the things I loved about "Frequency" and more. It was a great love story. I just get so gushy when a man tells a woman he wants to take care of her. I want to be taken care of!

I cried like a baby toward the end, but made sure to get rid of the tears before the lights went up. Love stories used to make me sad because I didn't have anyone, now they make me sad because I have someone, and he's so far away!

I can't wait to stop feeling like I'm going backwards. Forwards please! Happily ever after, please. We'll see what happens.

Anyway, Caribou is Caribou. Busy busy busy. Same old same old. My two favorite regulars, Pat and Janine... they've been coming through my drive-thru since I started there back in November of 04'. ANYWAY. They love me, I love them. Pat calls me "Miss Alabama". Last weekend, Pat and Janine were headed to the opening and dedication of a new public park, in Stillwater, MN called Teddy Bear Park. Pat's brother-in-law had donated all the funds for the completion of the park, so Pat and Janine had volunteered to hand out teddy bears all day at the big celebration. They were telling me about it before they headed over there, and I begged them to bring me a bear if they had any left, since I had to work all day. They said they would, but I didn't believe them. Well, they came through today, and Pat was like "Miss Alabama! I was hoping you were working today! I have a present for you, dear!" And I was expecting the bears to be like little cheap beanie babies or something, but instead it was a really nice full size teddy bear...very very soft, wearing a sweater that says "Teddy Bear Park, Stillwater" with a paw on it. I was the envy of all my co-workers. (all girls, of course) They all wanted a bear, but apparently I'm the only one who takes the time to flirt with old men and make splenda jokes...I get rewarded, my friends. Naw, they're my pals! And they love me.

Sometimes it feels like my customers are my only friends...sad, sniffle sniffle. I always feel appreciated when they ask for me by name. I love to be loved!

ANYWAY...that's all for now. More later!

ME!

That is a picture of Nicole, Kelly, Me and BJ. Nicole just sent it to me, it was taken last August. There has been a lot of miscommunications and what not, and it's all very unfortunate. Nicole and I both probably could have had a good friend when we needed one, if only...if only. Which is a good song! AND the name of a fan fiction I started...never finished, surprise, surprise. I used to pride myself on how original my fanfic beginnings were. They WERE good! But all I'm good at is beginnings. The rest takes work. Much like relationships. I'll get better. If I can, anyone can! (hint, hint)

So here's to new beginnings, and making them turn into good stories, with no end in sight. TADA! Love you.

ME!

Things are quite possibly looking up for me, for Kelly, for me AND Kelly, for me and other people. Anyway! If you haven't read Kelly's journal, you should. She has good news. The summary of said good news? She got an apartment...a very KELLY apartment, downtown WBL. I'm sure we shall post pictures of it someday in the not too distant future. It's very...right for Kelly. All the info behind how she/we found it and what not is all on her journal, which you can read via the link on the right. She's happy, which is splendid.

I also have good news. I might get a job at Lakeshore Players, the little community theater here in White Bear Lake. I auditioned there once for "Joseph.." I was so stinking nervous, I danced into the wall. I was so traumatized, I never went back! Kelly and I saw "Always, Patsy Cline" there. Lakeshore pretty much sells out every show, and they really do a good job. I used to usher there back in junior and senior high. I loved it, saw the shows for free!

Anyway, I think I get an interview today. If nothing else, she wants me to stop by with a resume, so we'll see what we see.

So, that's all I have to report for now. More later maybe. BYE!

I spent some good time with Nikki yesterday. We finally watched Nicholas Nickleby together. I had been wanting her to see it for years. She loved it. I knew she would.

In the midst of all the drama, I think I forgot to mention that Nikki DID in fact come visit, and it was great. Poor thing had to winess a lot of tears and struggles in just the few days she was there, but... she was so wonderful to have there. Endless thank yous go out to Carolyn, who was the entire reason why that visit was possible. I was so glad she was there. Making her laugh made me feel so much better, and I'm good at making her laugh. That's one thing I'm good at. The only other thing I'm really good at, is pretending to be someone else. Another reason why Nikki and I originally bonded. Distant Stare, Now and Forever. We were Angel and Becca. Don't know? Then you're just not special enough.

Anyway. It was great spending time with her. She's so beautiful, and she doesn't even know it. Here's a picture of her and BJ when we were dropping her off at the airport. Despite our differences and distances, Nikki and I will always be friends. I laugh more with her than with anyone, no matter what.



Anyway, it was good to see her yesterday. She just turned 21. We're both so "good" though, that that didn't mean a darn thing to her either. I always miss her.

So, the same thing just happened to Kelly that happened to me with Lynn. Found a woman to live with, and she changed her mind. At least Kelly didn't have months of "I can't wait for you to be the daughter I never had, I'm so excited to love you, I'm so excited to share my home with you. This is a God thing!" -- because that was just plain evil!

She's real down about it all, and things the walls are falling in around her. I know how that feels. I guess she also feels like lashing out. I'm well within reach, so go for it.

Leaving Alabama was a blessing to Kelly, leaving bad behind. I was leaving all my good behind, all my happy. Yes, I encountered a LOT of problems there as well, but BJ was there. Nothing good comes out of being without him. I don't think Kelly really understands that. I was just as happy to get out from underneath Benlee's watchful eye, but I actually had to leave something major behind. Kelly left a lot of material possessions. So did I.

She keeps reminding me about all the sacrifices she made for me, and all the things she paid for with her tax return and cell phone deposit money, because I was literally penniless. She won't let me forget. If I never had to borrow a cent from ANYONE, that's how I would prefer it. Kelly is an extremely generous person, and I've always appreciated the things she's done for me. She also wants to make sure I don't forget how generous she is, and how much she's done for me.

If I could give her all the money in the world, I would. If I could pay her back plus interest, I would. The key words here friends, are IF I COULD, because I can't. I owe everybody for everything, and for what? To be back in a place I thought I was done with forever?

Before I got back here, I thought I would automatically feel comforted by familiarity. The same streets, the same sounds, the same smells. The same people, the same places... same old same old. Instead it all just makes me sad. The same harsh words are thrown at me for staying in my room too long. Well, I don't feel welcome anywhere else, so where am I supposed to go? I want to be alone most of the time, and that makes me unforgivable.

I don't know what to do. I'm humiliated. I had thrown caution to the wind to set out on an adventure that met with one disaster after another. Nothing was destroyed though, except my ability to stay. I begged Kelly to move down there so we could get a place together, yes. If she wants to blame me for ruining her life...like she seems to be doing, that's fine. Alabama was a waste of her time, of her life. But not mine. Opelika was a waste of my time, of my life. The main reason I pushed Kelly to move, is I wanted her to be happy. I didn't want her to have to go through what I went through with BJ. I thought they would be able to have a normal dating life right off the bat. I didn't know they would be planning a trip down the aisle so soon. THat was Benlee, but...I still didn't expect it.

I wanted her to be with the man I thought would make her forever happy. Neither of us knew him, so I won't be blamed for pushing. Everyone pushed. Everyone shoved. Everyone crammed dreams into a little sardine can, and it expoded. We're all messy now.

I am completely humiliated. Crawling back with my tail between my legs, my head hung in shame, defeat, failure. I thought my life was finally taking off, and instead I get knocked down to my butt again, and all they can do is kick me when I'm down.

I'm not doing enough to repay Kelly for her unbelievable kindness and generosity. She's only asking me for a FRACTION of what I owe her, and all I do is crab crab crab. My parents are so kind and generous allowing me to stay here, when I don't belong. They are so kind to remind me that I shouldn't be here, that I should be out on my own. They don't want me here, but I'm their daughter, so they won't turn me away. I need to get back on my feet, they tell me. I'm 22 years old, they tell me. Thank you. I forgot.

Kelly feels like she's gone through so much more than I have. She's lost so much more. She's spent so much more. So much in fact, that I could never repay her. She's probably right. She could afford to get herself out of a mess she got herself into. I couldn't. I didn't have anyone to hold onto except her, and just kind of hang on for the ride. She zipped out of Alabama, and here I am. It's true we had nowhere else to go. WE had nowhere else to go, nothing to do but get out. Nothing for two. Somethings for one.

She was going to go to Connecticut. Would I still be a villain if she was in Connecticut? Would she still think I owed her the world if she already owned it? Her world was on the East coast. She was so happy when the opportunity presented itself again. She changed her mind. Is that my fault too?

I will owe her for the rest of my life for her getting me back to Minnesota. Does that mean I owe her for all this misery? I am so unhappy at times, that I can't breathe. Or is that my normal breathing problems? I can't tell the difference. I'm out of medicine. I'm out of sanity. I went backwards. I was supposed to be moving forwards, and I'm back here again. Back to then. Back to blah. Back to Caribou? That's not happy. Soon Kelly will be in charge of me there too. Will that make her happier?

I can never repay, I can never live up to what they want. Any of them. I have someone to love, someone to love me, and I still stare in the mirror, hearing my mothers words, hearing his father's words, and thinking that I will never be good enough for anyone. Where do I go from here?

I am a failure. I am a nothing. No, I'm not a nothing. I am somebody's someone. I am my everything's everything. I am in love, and loved. Which is right? Love is not enough, or love is all there is? I can't remember the good words, sometimes. Only the bad. Why does the mind work that way? You remember what you owe and to whom, but you can't remember why. You can remember who owes you and how much, but you can't remember why you had to help them in the first place. If you did remember, you would think there would be more understanding. More compassion.

I'll pay when I can. I have four dollars. Do you want it? I'll give it to you. You still have more than me. You have so much more than me. I'm not asking you for anything. You give with the assurance of recieving in return? I'll pay you back someday. Just don't remind me everyday that I have to.

I wish I always had the answers. I wish I never had to ask for help. Help isn't free, and it shouldn't be. When money is concerned, those who always need help with it, are the ones who owe the most. The ones who need it need to give it when they get it. It sucks! Jouvenile as it sounds, it sucks it sucks, it sucks.

Life's not fair. The sooner you accept that, the soone you can see the beauty in it. The beauty behind God's design. Appreciate the picture instead of the brush strokes. See everything, not selected selections.

Don't ask me, don't confront me. Take it for what it is, a journal. My journal. People ask me why I lay it all out on a public table. I don't really know. It's easier to keep up, it's sometimes fun to share. The personal things people learn about me along the way...I guess I always cling to the hope of mutual understanding. World peace! Yeah right. It just is what it is. Take it or leave it. I don't care either way.

I love you, BJ. 7 weeks and five days. I love you so much.

Hey all. Caribou is pretty good. It's weird after not being there for six months... but I fell back into it easily enough. It's certainly better to not have Elke there. A lot of the pressure has mysteriously disappeared. I don't know how that happened... hmm.

I'm trying to figure out the health coverage thing. I have less than 2 weeks left with my last inhaler, and no insurance. Most coverage from employment doesn't start until 3 months in, but since I'm a re-hire, Michael, the new manager is trying to find a way around that. I should be up to a full 40hrs in about a week. We'll see what happens.

ANYWAY. I have a lot on my mind, but nothing that I particularly want to write about. There are eyes I had never planned on who rest on this page from time to time. That doesn't really bother me, it just kinda... well, it's weird. It just is.

BJ is still coming in August, and so far the plan looks like his dad, Jack will be joining us. We have a whole amazing list of things that are going to be going on. Camping up at Split Rock, Valley Fair, the drive-in movies, The Mall Of America, water parks, boating, fishing, swimming in WBL... necessary things. And then there are just the typical Corrie and BJ activities. Making movie parodies, playing with the dogs, talking, cuddling, smoochin...*sigh* Can't wait!

So I thought I'd include a picture in here. I just found it down in my dad's old office, and I had forgotten about it. We got these pictures developed LAST YEAR... my dad had discovered four rolls of undeveloped film in my mom's dresser drawer, so he was curious, and turned them in. My brother is like 2 or 3 in this picture, and he was 16 when they were finally developed! It was like opening a time capsule when we got the pictures back. Some weren't THAT old, but most of them were. And since the whole Superman thing is coming up soon, that grand old "S" is everywhere, so here's my contribution. My baby brother... who is now a giant that towers over me. But not then! I now present to you...

SUPER JAMISON!



That is just too cute! I love it. ANYWAY. That's all for now. Maybe I'll feel like writing more later. Until then...

Au Revoir!

ME!

I start at Caribou on Saturday. Wee. Let's hope it's better than last time. Yup.

This entry really has no real point. Things are pretty much the same. My mom is on my back about everything, and I'm confused about everything. YAY! But not about BJ. I love him. NAF. ANYWAY! I was browsing my Dad's picture files on his computer, and found some old favorites...well, just old. NEW favorites, because I had never seen them before. So, I thought I would share. Some are from 2002, when I looked very different. Different hair, and braces. And yet, the only pictures I've ever seen of myself in which I really truly found myself the slightest bit attractive. Odd? Yes. There have been a few since then, but very seldom are these pictures. ANYWAY! On with the show.



This is me and the elusive Candace. The last time I saw my sister was later that year. This picture was taken on Thanksgiving, of 2002. The last time I really saw her was Christmas the same year.



This picture is of me and Sunnie, somewhere near Christmas I believe. 2002 again. Just so you know, our hair may match perfectly, but I got it done first. First!



Just the faces. Do we look like sisters? He he he.



This picture is HILARIOUS! My dad the hippie. Oh, gosh! It's so bad it's great. His eyes look so droopy! This was one of those pictures where someone tries to get your attention, and you look up, and the picture haunts you for the rest of your life. This was back in 02' again, when my dad had vowed that he would not cut his hair until he retired. It got longer than it is pictured here, and he began to believe that we were ashamed to be seen with him. That's possible... anyway, he cut it. But that's hilarious!



This picture makes me laugh! I don't remember it being taken AT ALL! It was our hiking trip up North (me and my dad), and I look so confused. I have no idea what I was looking at, but I totally look stupid. "Water? What's that?" Oh, gosh. HAHAHA!

Anyway! That's all for now I guess. I really had nothing all that important to say. Just wanted to share my discoveries. There are more, of course. But I'll save those for later. BYE!

You Are Jean Grey

Although your fate is often unknown, you always seem to survive (even after ). Your mind is your greatest weapon, literally! Powers: telepathy and telekinesis, the ability to project thoughts into the mind of others, communication with animals

Which of the X-Men Are You?

I should never write in the wee hours of the morning. Morning always brings a little sunlight. I talked to BJ again around 2am. He had had his friend Nicole over.

We uncovered quite a few more fears. Most of them were mine. Why am I so scared of everything all the time? Because it feels like I'm going backwards, and before... I didn't have BJ. I didn't have the things I wanted. I'm scared that going backwards means losing things I didn't have before. I know that's crazy...

I was half asleep while I was talking to BJ. But I remember some of the crazy things I was saying. "Time used to bring me things. Bring me gifts. It would bring me promises of 'see you tonight', or 'see you tomorrow'...and now the only promise it brings is months away, and after that...there's nothing. There are little crystals of hope floating around in the air...things I want. But I ignore them. You try to grab onto them, and all they do is let you down. They never keep their word. You have to wait for them to become reality, and that takes forever. Sometimes it never happens."

So on and so on. I do have hope, and I do look forward to things. BJ starts school after he's here in August, so I'm just a little scared about that. He wants it, he needs it, I want it for him, and need it for him. But that probably means I won't see him for a year... between work and school, he can't go anywhere else.

People have done things like this for a hundred years, and a hundred years after me. Their husbands are in the military, or something like that. I just feel sometimes like I already did all that, and now it's time to be together. Most people got to date in person, and spend time together, and all that stuff. We did it backwards, so that's why it feels backwards now.

Ok, enough complaining. There are a lot of lessons to be learned here. I'm not gonna lose BJ. He's not gonna lose me. We won't let that happen. I have a LOT to be thankful for. I'm glad he's stronger than me... I just wish it didn't seem so uneven at times. BJ is such a blessing, and the reason why this is all so hard, is just because I love him so much. I want to be with him. My heart hurts.

Anyway, in other news... my room is an easter egg, but I'm trying to make it my own. My mom turned it into a room fit for a 12 year old, with bunnies, and dolphins, and purple/lavender everything with a big lime green rug, and flowers everywhere. It IS pretty, it's just not what I would have picked. But it's going to be a guest room "when I'm gone"... whenever that will be. Everyone makes preparations for when I'm not around, that's so...great!

So I tried adding some of my personality up. RENT poster, pirate calendar, Garnier print, Brian Littrell, theater stuff, and lots of picture frames.

So that's all for now. I wish my head would shut up.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have high neuroticism. It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed. You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully. You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is low. You're a pretty conservative person, and you favor what's socially acceptable. You think that change for novelty's sake is a very bad idea. While some may see this as boring, many see you as dependable and wise.

The Five Factor Personality Test

I need help. What if I can't make it? I hear myself talk to him, and I can't believe some of the things I say. What if I don't have the control? It terrifies me when I think that I do. Is that really me? No, no. An imposter. I don't sound like that. Those aren't my thoughts.

It's too hard. It's been less than a week and I'm freaking out. How can I keep doing this to myself? Dreams come up, they get a yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no... then there's dark, and alone. All alone. I can't do this.

What's next? A year. One more year. One more year until forever starts. No, no. One more year until forever blinks. It will show you a glimpse and then shut off again. To and from, back and forth. Who goes where next time? Oh, we'll see. Because "it's meant to be!" Oh, yes.

Yesterday was there, it was good. Tomorrow is a year away. In between is this big black nothing. What do I do with that? It's miserable. Black is not my color, and it's definitely not slimming in this circumstance. It's fat and unforgiving. I don't want it, no no no. I want tomorrow. I crave tomorrow. I don't want to go without. I can't.

BJ had to hang up on me tonight. He always politely tries to excuse himself. I wouldn't let him go. Things were spewing out of my mouth like fire. I keep waiting for him to have a reaction. I want him to feel like I feel, but he won't. He doesn't. He's just fine. I'm a mess, but he's fine. I fall down, and he floats above me, waiting to pull me up again, and again, and again. Just once, I wish he were on the floor next to me.

That happened once. We both broke down. In some way, it made me happy. BJ and I were finally on the exact same page. Our tears mixed together, and we cried, and we shook, and I knew he felt the way I did. I just wish I always had that assurance. I don't though, and I feel crazy.

He tells me we can't always both be so down, and nobody likes being brought down. He's right. I'm the down one, again again again. That's me. Down so low I match the carpet. I patch it with my mass of blahness. We're the same, the floor and I. Flat and frequently walked on. Ugly and beaten. BLAH. We can't both be down, someone has to pull the other up. Why can't I be the one up? Oh, that's right. Because I'm me. Poor BJ. He has my pity.

I keep making the wrong choices. They have to be the wrong ones! Otherwise, I have an amazing talent for screwing up the right ones. It's soooo sad. The only thing right is BJ. It's interesting... I literally watch and listen to myself attempting to sabotage things. He doesn't let it happen, obviously... but I forced him to hang up on me tonight.

Everytime he said he had to go, I cried. I couldn't stop myself. I didn't want to be left alone. I said I was sorry, I didn't want to drag him down. I just wanted him to stay. I wanted him to say he loved me, I wanted him to imitate an elephant. I wanted him to hold my hand across the country. I wanted him to be with me. He tried, and I pushed, and I pushed, and I pushed. I told him if he wanted to leave, he would have to hang up on me. So he did.

I cried long, and I cried hard. I'm always so worried about losing him, and here I am pushing him out the door. Right when he said goodnight, the switch flipped, and I was me again. I said "BJ, wait..." But he had already gone. What did I do that for?

He'll call me in the morning, he says. I'm under attack. As if things aren't bad enough. I feel possessed. I say all the wrong things, and I know they're wrong while I'm saying them...and I can't make them stop. As they say in "Mean s", it's word vomit. It's horrible, yet recognizable...and I can't make it stop. I can't do anything right.

My mom is already back in her old routines. I'm wasting my life, my mind, my everything... I'm a failure. My mom is the only person I know who can make you believe that God invented oxygen for everyone but me... because all I do is waste it with my sloth-like behavior, doing nothing with my pathetic excuse for an existence. So what if I was a drama director at age 18? So what if I write plays and have them performed? Every accomplishment means nothing... nothing because it's nothing to her, because she doesn't care. She did nothing with her life, and yet she's happy. I've done so much while still so young, and that matters less than nothing. I almost forgot how terrible she makes me feel.

Whatever, I shouldn't write anymore. What do you care, right? Anonymous, anonymous. My friends are all anonymous. I'll meet you someday, oh you invisible few.

Dear Lord, please help me banish whatever it is that's attacking me. I can't wake up.

You Should Be an Actor

You have a flair for the dramatic, and you probably already do a lot of acting in your day to day life, just to entertain yourself. No need to steal the spotlight from your friends... You'll get plenty of attention once you start acting professionally!

What Sort of Artist Should You Be?

For a minute there, I really felt like writing a mini novel. But then, now that I'm here in front of the screen, it seems like everything I had planned to write is meaningless, or something of the sort. I really do have a lot to say, but I guess I don't feel like saying it. Honesty is one thing, but sometimes even honesty isn't worth it. What do you gain by being honest about something nobody but you cares about?

Anyway, I'm not making any sense. Surprise, suprise right? I feel like something bad is going to happen... or maybe it already did. Maybe I can't tell the difference anymore. Being sick doesn't help.

Did I mention I'm allergic to my house? Whether it's Harvey, or something else. I'm fine when I'm out and about (which... is never) but the minute I get back in here, my airway closes, my eyes burn, my throat itches, my nose starts a runnin... it's really driving me crazy. I get exhausted and winded walking to the bathroom, because I literally have to take giant breaths just to get a sufficient amount of air into my lungs.

So anyway... aside from the obvious, those are my complaints. I miss BJ terribly. After having a year of a long distance relationship, and then getting to see each other regularly, this is just going back.

I'm scared, too. When Melanie and I were really close friends, it was amazing. She was the best friend I had ever had. Then I went to go see her in Connecticut, and it was even better. Then I went home. It was too hard to go back to how it used to be, so we didn't. We completely lost touch. We talk from time to time, but I still feel like I lost my best friend.

I don't want to believe that something like that could happen with BJ, but it's a fear nonetheless. I am afraid of losing him, but that's nothing new. His life is in Alabama, and he has a lot of distractions. Soon school will be starting. I knew I wouldn't be SEEING him much when I was still planning on living down there. But now I'll barely exist. Not intentionally, no no. He's going to be sooo busy, and it's going to be hard to force myself not to feel abandoned. I want him to succeed. It's just so hard to miss him, AND know that I won't even see him on Sundays. Clinging to late night minutes, before he falls asleep from exhaustion. That's my future.

Anyway, I guess I could go on and on and write about pointless things. I really don't feel well. Aside from being allergic to home, it's sugar week, and this time i feel like I have the flu. WE went to go see the new X-MEN movie, and I felt so disgusting. I thought the room was stifling, but no one else seemed to notice. I was boiling, and my stomach was wretching... it just wasn't good. You don't need to know anymore.

So that's all for now, kids. "I hope you feel better." Yep. Me too. ME too...

C'est moi!

Home now. If there is such a thing without BJ. Good to see my family, and Cairo the giant. But I miss my heart. I gave it to BJ. So if you're here in Minnesota, please come cheer me up. I'm sad. I feel like I failed yet again. What am I SUPPOSED to be doing? I'm supposed to be with BJ, that's the only thing I know for sure. Anyway...

I start at Caribou again at the beginning of June. I saw Tony when we stopped there this morning, and he says he's gonna throw a welcome home party at Mama's, so if you're interested (or curious) lemme know so I can give him a final number. I don't know when it is though, yet...

So that's all for now. More later.

ME

Well, we're halfway home. Mom got us a room for the night in Tuscola, Illinois. We barely made it. Thank goodness they have 24hr check-in. We didn't get here until 3:15 am. We had planned to be here no later than 11pm. What happened? Oh, the Neon broke. Broke in a way the mechanic who worked on it had never seen before. We were set back, but grateful we weren't on the interstate.

Me, being the total girl that I am, when we passed through Montgomery I just HAD to stop and say goodbye to BJ one more time. The tearful goodbyes had taken place earlier yesterday morning, but just...one more moment. Because of my needed moment, we were in Montgomery, and not on our way to Birmingham. When the car broke, we were only a couple blocks away from where we needed to be.

The mechanic fixed it and fixed us. It took 3 hours, but we eventually made it back to the interstate, and now here we are. Because of our late start, I could barely keep my eyes open. I was so scared of falling asleep. I pulled over a few times to do jumping jacks, or something stupid like that, but... it didn't work. The air outside was cold, so every time I felt sleep tugging on my eyes, I would roll down the windows as fast as I could and blast myself with cold air. That worked for a little while.

Anyway, I was so close to falling asleep, and I needed help. So I called BJ. He kept me awake for the last agonizing 24 miles. We FINALLY made it. And I'm still tired. 10 more hours to go. ARGH!

So, anyway. Laura, thank you for your comments! I'm looking forward to seeing you this summer, too! And seeing your little baby boy! That's exciting. About BJ transferring schools, Huntingdon has somewhat...odd curriculum. Most students who transfer out of there run the risk of losing almost 50% of their credits. But, he actually does plan on moving to Minnesota in about a year at the latest. At least that's what he's said.

His family of course says that would hurt them, destroy them, it's not fair...but I did it, right? My family felt the same way. His family wants me to eventually move down there again, but unless BJ and I are married, I think I have to stay a northerner.

Well, that's all for now. Time to hit the road again! Let's hope the road doesn't hit me back this time.

G'night! I mean morning... boy, it feels like it's time for bed. BYE!

ME!

Oh, one more thing. THANK GOD NO MORE OH-POOH-LIKA! Opelika is ancient history, never to be seen again!

Well, Minnesota became the only option. We leave Monday the 22nd, in 2 cars. Kelly actually got her old job back in Connecticut. She's real excited about that. I don't know where I'll end up as far as work goes, but it will probably be coffee related.

This is going to be so hard. I'm really scared, actually. Scared of BJ and I growing apart. Our lives have been combined since January, and we've treasured every moment. Now they have to go back to being separate. Distance is one of the hardest obstacles in any situation. So many barriers. I don't want to lose him.

BJ says he wants to move to Minnesota. We'll see if that happens. If he does, it won't be for at least a year. I can't say I haven't often considered the whole "It's his turn to make the sacrifice" thing. I'm not keeping tabs like he is. He thinks I do too much for him, but I don't see it that way. He's done SO MUCH for me! And I just feel so blessed to have him in the first place. We're not uneven. Neither does more for one than the other. That's just crazy talk.

My body hates me right now. Sadness makes you tired, and happiness gives you energy. The majority of me is so sad about leaving everything and everyone here, and yet part of me is excited to go home. My body can't decide which one to go with, so I just feel disgusting, and sick. Goofy depressed! A lot of the same old problems will be waiting for me at home when I get there, but I think being away has given me a new perspective on how to handle them. No matter how many problems I have with my mom, or how much I hate working coffee sometimes, home is home.

I was watching "Where The Heart Is" today, and Stockard Channing's character said something great. "Home is where your history begins. Home is where they catch you when you fall." And it's true. That's why I'm going there. Home is usually the first thing you think of, but the last thing you want to admit to wanting when you have nowhere else to go. I wish I could stay with BJ. I wish BJ could pack up his life and leave...but I wouldn't let him do that. He has one year of school left. One year. He loves it in Minnesota. He'll love to live there one day too. Not forever, but for awhile.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Keep Kelly and I in your prayers. Thanks to amazing help from 2 glorious friends (Steph and Carolyn) Kelly and I will be able to make it home. We're renting a second car, and driving separately/together. That means we'll each have to drive straight through without alternating with someone else, which MIGHT kill us. I'm terrified. Please keep us in your prayers.

I'll let you know how it all came out. Until then,

BYE

ME