I have a lot I want to write about, and don't even know where to begin. I find myself trapped in that melancholy state again. There's no real reason to feel this way. Life is continuing on in its usual mundane stupor, the same problems occurring and reoccurring. Why bother even mentioning it? Because after awhile, these continuations can begin to eat away at you until you're barely recognizable, and that's what I'm afraid of. Disappearing altogether.

It's strange when you realize that the things you've been relying on, the "rocks" so to speak, the foundations in your life that you can lean on...it's very strange when you realize that those things are no longer there.

It goes without saying that there's been a gigantic role reversal when it comes to me and my parents. I walk into their house and its reminiscent of a tomb. Dead silence, stillness completely suffocating. There's dust everywhere, no signs of active life. My parents rarely if ever find themselves in a vertical state these days, the intrigue of horizontal living taking complete control. The medications leave my mother in a a very strange state in which she can barely get her eyes to focus when she's actually conscious. Pain is an understatement. You have to find humor in the random string of words that make their way out of her mouth...or you'll absolutely drown in sorrow. As dramatic as that may sound, it's true. My dad was my rock. Now he literally IS a rock. When he's home, he is completely silent and stationary...even when he's awake. I'm the parent now. If you don't believe me, ask my wallet.

Nikki. It seemed like something never ending. I don't know what I expected. I feel like the small town friend that people leave behind, only to come back and realize that I never changed, and therefore could never fit into the life they've made for themselves. The truth is though, I've changed more than they have. They have no idea. It's so strange when you find that the people you thought knew you the best, don't know you at all.

I miss the dramatic goodbyes, and the I'll miss yous, and the I love yous, and the countdowns until reunions. I see Nikki once or twice a year. Last week was the Hanson concert in Minneapolis. I was so unbelievably excited to see Nikki. I had gotten her a ticket on a whim, and she was actually able to make it. It was our one day of the year to spend together. I had gotten her reserved for more than a couple of hours (which is as good as it gets were you to recall the previous five or six years of our friendship) and was so SO excited.

When we picked her up, she was weepy over the idea of leaving a friend that she had been attached to at the hip for months. She wouldn't see him again until Christmas. Had it slipped her mind that she rarely-- if EVER saw me, and wouldn't see me until Christmas either? (if she had the time, anyway) This put into effect my self pity and loathing, and wondering when had I become so completely and totally... unimportant. I was no longer tear inducing. I wasn't... anything. I was that girl that she was going to a concert with.

The rest of the day went on as such...with a few tiffs and arguments with both Sunnie AND Nikki, when they failed to realize just how much conversations about the several events..past/present and future that I was NOT a part of hurt me. REALLY hurt me. To be so invisible! Everyone I know is growing up, moving on, and I have been left out of EVERY single one of their life altering events. It's the same old feeling, that I just can't shake. I can't understand it. I don't know WHY--- I'm barely here. I'm barely here, and can't shake the feeling...the panicky feeling, almost urgency...that I need to just go. Just get out! I've been stepped on to the point that people no longer feel me beneath their feet. It's time to get off the floor.

Nikki brought up that it bothered her that her ex-boyfriend Scott was spending time with Lurae and company. I said she should speak up. She mentioned that she couldn't do that, she had brought him into the group in the first place. Ah, yes. The group. The group I had been cast out of for no apparent reason. With bitterness in my heart, I couldn't help but wonder...why couldn't have you brought ME into the group? Why am I so different?

Then there's the phrase that Andi said to me once that haunts me. "They had a problem with you. YOU. You're the common denominator in these equations here, Corrie. Think about THAT!" And even though it makes sense, it still baffles me. I didn't do anything. Maybe that's the problem? Maybe I didn't do enough? I have no idea.

I also know that I deal with way more than most people can comprehend, and that scares them away. I really--I am sad, but I can't blame anyone for that. If I were in their shoes, I'd probably take them for a spin in the opposite direction even faster than they did. I may be a lot of things, but an idiot isn't one of them.

Nikki spent a great deal of her time on the phone that day, and I couldn't hide how much it bothered me. It was easier to see me through her eyes then, all of the sudden. I'm not who I was to her, and I probably never will be. I waited for the self pity and loathing to REALLY set in, but it didn't. Because I realized she isn't to ME who she used to be either. It's still habit to call her first when something happens, but then I have to remind myself that she won't answer, and if I leave a message, she won't get around to returning in for quite some time. There are people way higher up on her priority list, as they SHOULD be. That's what people go to college for. (And education, I suppose) Those are the relationships that last, those are the friends you never forget. The high school chums? Those are the ones you squint at in yearbooks trying to remember why you were supposed to remember them.

I think I look for reasons to feel hurt and angry, so I don't have to see things for what they really are. Nikki changed, Corrie changed. I know that if something huge happens, and I need the Nikki squeal, or the solidarity I have always been able to count on her for, she will be able to give that to me. I also know that when she says she'll pray, she really will. I know that she is the most loving, caring person I have ever known, and how she never runs out of concern for people baffles me. I do know that she is often times oblivious to things that seem very obvious to me... but I'm also incredibly over analytical, and I know that all too well. I see things that probably aren't even there, because I have such an urgent need to understand EVERYTHING that's going on around me.

Coming to all of these realizations brings peace, but also sadness. Nikki never judged me. I could talk to her about anything. I could tell her the things that would randomly plague me about my past with BJ, and she would calm me instead of rolling her eyes and telling me to get over it. I tell Kelly more than I tell anyone, but there are certain things I can't go to her about. So I would go to Nikki. When something comes up about Andi, I can't talk to Kelly. It's a very sore subject. I can't talk to Sunnie about ANYTHING, because she couldn't care less, and that's just the truth. This is why I miss Nikki. This is why I will CONTINUE to miss Nikki, because that is a substantial loss.

It's gotten to the point where I am attempting to find my identity reflected in what I do every day. That's not who I am, it's what I do...but those two ideas are becoming completely interchangeable. I am a chauffeur, I am an ATM, I am a barista, I am a servant, I am a medical consultant, I am a shadow, I am --- I have no idea.

Every day I work earlier than the majority of the population. I smile, I make their day better. A lot of times they return the favor! It's true. When I get home, my phone rings. Somebody needs a ride, somebody needs something from the store, someone always NEEDS something, and they need me to get it, bring them, do it, and all without complaint. Why? Because I'm a good daughter. I'm a good friend. I'm a good sister. I'm a good...stranger. They don't know me. I don't know me.

You know what I wish? I wish I could just, start over. Start from scratch! I've always longed for that story book relationship of girlie best friends that have known each other since birth, and stay best friends forever! BFF!! Sounds cheesy, right? Right...but I have always ALWAYS wanted it. I would also warn myself to stay away from sugar right from the start. Deny myself immediately to completely bypass the problem altogether. A thinner Corrie would be a happier Corrie by far. Because even if I COULD start over, I know my mom would still be the same mom, so if I were still a chubby Corrie, she would be just as mean. I would know how to handle relationships better, so I could bypass BJ and Andi too, and just skip the heartache and remorse.

I'm getting to the point where I'm rambling. I know that I could keep on going on that way... but it's pointless. That's what the next entry is for. I love Nikki, and I miss her, but I guess I miss the Nikki that is no longer there. Parts of her are sill there, but she's become a best friend with the new Nikki to new people.

Nikki and Lurae both have mentioned how thankful they are for that night at that party. So I know I knew them for a reason, I know I served a purpose, and I am very grateful that I got to be a part of that. I just wish that weren't my entire purpose--- but I really feel like it is. I've been that person to a lot of people, actually... I really SHOULD be grateful. Think about all of those amazing Bible stories, where God sent people on missions for him, and they changed LIVES. I've gotten to do that. Not as drastic, but maybe I will someday. Maybe that's what all of this unbelievable heartache has been preparing me for. In the Bible days they went through much worse though, and they walked lonely roads while working for God...but how can it be lonely when you're walking with the Lord? I served my purpose, I completed my mission, I said his words and did his work. I should have moved on a long time ago. That's when everything was great, and we all loved each other passionately. Quit while you're ahead! I should have. I should have skipped the hurt and rejected part. I should have known to take my bow before the lights turned on and the theater emptied. I should have walked away before I was left behind. Lesson learned.

I served my purpose with BJ too. I showed him all the mistakes NOT to make in the relationship he is SUPPOSED to be in for the rest of his life.

I served my purpose with Andi-- no question. We had each only been in one other relationship prior to dating each other. We were each other's ice breakers. We made each other ready to face the real world away from our pasts. We did it badly, but all in all we helped each other out. I just wish it wouldn't have left so many scars that I see EVERY single time I look in the mirror.

I serve my purpose, and I walk away. That's the lesson for the day. But I would like to keep Nathan, if that's okay. I'd also like to keep the treasures I've found in Christine and Nicole at Caribou. I find I really am able to relate and talk to people older than myself much more than people my own age. I have dealt with more than my 24 years should have been allowed, and so these women have had actual experiences I can relate to, and talk about. I trust them more then 99% of the people I know on this planet... and Christine especially has just been such a blessing. These women have kept me going, and I am so grateful for them. So grateful. I love them dearly.

Well, now that I have completely exhausted the capacity of my rear end on this broken loveseat, I will take my leave. I really wrote a novel tonight, and I feel better. This has been good therapy once again! Nathan comes home one week from tomorrow, and hopefully we can start dating like normal people. I would very much like to get to know him better.

Good night all.

So, we went to the Hanson concert. We went on The Walk with Hanson. Nikki talked to Zac Hanson. Here's proof.

Life is pretty good right now. Today. At this moment.

Tomorrow is the HANSON CONCERT!!! HOORAY! Stop laughing. You don't know what you're talking about. Nikki came to town just for the event, and we can't wait. She showed up at Caribou today to surprise me, and like an idiot, I burst into tears. I haven't seen her for a very long time. It was good!

I am seeing someone, and he's pretty great. We have fun. His name is Nathan, and I kinda like him. We'll see what happens.

I'm sure I have a lot to report...but...I will end with something incredibly gross and uncalled for... so if you don't wanna know, don't read it... but just so I can remember my EXACT misery at this exact moment...

*WARNING*

I have my first yeast infection. It's the most miserable thing on the planet. Discharge like cottage cheese. It's disgusting. An un-itchable itch inside and out, and a burning all over...JUST when it starts to get better, my period starts.

DEAR GOD! CAN I NOT HAVE A NORMAL VAGINA FOR JUST ONE DAY?? PLEASE?!?!

How did Corrie get said yeast infection? From the antibiotics she was on for tonsilitis...the 4th time in less than 6 months. It's a lose/lose. Rumor has it I have to get my tonsils out soon. I have an appointment to determine that on October 3rd. On top of all that, my apartment is having spider issues. Why? WHY?!? They're nocturnal though, so I find them in their hiding places during the day and smash them with my spidey-killer. (Broken sandal) It's lethal. I sprayed one to the wall today with hairspray, because it woke up prematurely. They're jumpers! You come at one with the spidey-killer and it jumps at you. AHHH!!! So, now my apartment smells like TreSemme.

Okay, I think that's it for now. I'm making porcupine meatballs. Apparently they were Kelly's favorite back in the day...WAY back in the day. At least that's what mom says. Who knows? There's no porcupine in them. I don't know where the name comes from. Maybe the rice? It's spikey....who knows?

TTFN, friends. Farewell.

So...it's been awhile. I know I have a lot to say. I just don't even know where to begin!

I've lost the writing bug, and I'm looking for him. I have named him Shakespeare. Have you seen him?

Here is my motivation-- MY SISTER IS FLIPPING AWESOME!!!!! Do you even KNOW what she did? I have a novel I'm writing. In my head. I need to get it down on paper...er...screen. Biggest draw back? My crap top. Kelly had been amused numerous times by our instant messenger conversation in which I had to compensate the loss of several functioning letters on my keyboard. I believe it was cursed by previous owners/users. Enough said.

ANYWAY! Kelly decided to make a gigantic investment in my future. What did she do? Like you don't already know. She bought me a BRAND NEW LAP TOP! Can you even believe it?? No bad memories attached, and it's gorgeous. I am so in love with it. Now I just need to find that pesky Shakespeare. I can't let her down. She says I have to write that novel, now that I have no excuses left.

SHAKESPEARE! Once an entire day could be spent together, just you and I. How I long for those days! Come back to me my sweet! Shakespeare, Shakespeare...wherefore art thou Shakespeare?

*sigh* I went googling around and found my old Smallville fan fic on the Kryptonsite archives. It's pretty freaking sweet! I'm funny. I'm hoping by reading that, and re-living the "Scarlet" adventure, I will rediscover my voice and fully develop the main character in my book. I'm excited to get to know her! She's pretty awesome.

So, wanna know something weird. I'm DATING. Like... dating for real. Not hopping from one relationship to the other, but meeting people. Going out to dinner. Talking, conversing... and like, having a life. It's kinda fun! I've found though...strangely enough, that after two bad relationships, I've learned to give myself more of a chance. Maybe I was desperate before? Or maybe just stupid. Probably both. ANYWAY. I've figured something out. I deserve better. I deserve to be picky. I deserve to say what I want, and not just bend and mold myself into what I think THEY want. And do you know what happens? I am admired for it. I am sought after, and asked out, and it's insane and I barely know how to handle it. I am my own person now. I make my own choices, and my own mistakes. (which there are many, but I'm still figuring me out)

I have been many people outside of myself for other people...if that makes any sense. I settled. I am furious at myself for that. I talked myself into being happy, because I thought I had no other options. I was miserable, and the people I was with were miserable. But aside from my stupid moments, I am mostly happy with myself. I like me. I am enjoyable! It feels good. There isn't all the drama and what ifs attached to absolutely everything. If I say something that disagrees with people, instead of back pedaling and sounding like an idiot, I stick to it, and stay myself. It feels good.

I could keep rambling about this forever. Blah blah blah. But I won't. My mom is craving Mama's, and I must oblige! Hehehe... I don't mind.

Bye!

Trust is difficult, rare, and sometimes unimaginable.

I have tan lines on my feet.

The scent of coffee and body odor should be used in chemical warfare.

I'm amused by the fact that certain infomercials continue to proudly boast the availability of their informational video cassettes and full color brochures!

These are my thoughts.

I can't really decide how to feel right now. Things that shouldn't bother me do. People who shouldn't be strangers are. Things change so much. People change so much! That's nothing new... but it feels new. It always feels new and unexpected no matter how used to it I SHOULD be. It still feels... bad.

I don't really know how to react. I feel myself withdrawing from people as much as possible. I don't necessarily want to withdraw... but I just am. I guess that happens when you have to give up on something that was a huge dream come true... didn't quite make it happen, and now I feel like disappearing. I didn't ever really feel like it was right in the first place though, so why am I even upset?

My mom has a surgery tomorrow for a tumor in her side. She was supposed to have it almost 2 weeks ago, but her potassium levels were too low. Usually they're too high, so that's different.

It's weird living this life... my little sister is getting married, so it's 2 full years of Sunnie's wedding, and everything else is just sort of... minor. Unimportant. Kelly is out living a dream life on the east coast with her dream nanny job. For awhile I was actually making my big dream come true, but it just didn't work out. I stay boring, mundane, and invisible. It's my own fault. I've perfected the art of blending in.

Sunnie is always annoyed with me or mad at me, and I'm constantly being lectured for doing absolutely nothing wrong. I'm tired. I don't seem to have any motivation. Blah. This is just a blah entry.

I'm happy for all of those people who are unbelievably happy. I just wish that I were one of them :) I wish I didn't lose people. I misplace them, and can't seem to find them again! It's ridiculous. *laughs* Eh, who needs em? ... I do.

I love you. And that's not a crime. People love people, and say it to each other all the time. Even you do. You can't say it to me, but you can say it to others. Oh well. I love you anyway.

Goodbye.

You know what's funny? I just read over my last couple of entries, and my writing has never been so bad! It seems I'm only creatively talented when I'm in a sour mood. Go figure. I'm not entirely in a sour mood at the moment, I think I've left it behind for the time being.

I tell ya. You leave your life behind for a little while, and then you have the opportunity to get outside of it for a bit. Then what happens? You see it all too clearly. Then you can see just how messy it is. Rawr. If only I knew the best way to go about cleaning it up.

It reminds me of one of those times I simply HAD to rearrange my bedroom. I do that sometimes, when life just stresses me out and I get depressed... I rearrange the furniture. (Now I have an entire apartment to play with, so it doesn't happen as often!) So, I was moving this desk/hutch thing, and it hit a crack when I was sliding it across the hard wood floor. Guess what happened! The whole thing snapped down the middle! Every item in my possession was randomly thrown into a domino like chaos. Everything hit something else until everything I owned was strewn about in the biggest mess I had ever created...intentional or not. Things broke, shattered, turned to dust... and just plain sucked.

It was so unbelievably overwhelming...I backed out slowly (and in much pain, seeing as how my computer had taken a death dive onto my foot, splitting my big toe nail down the middle) and closed the door. The mess was hidden and I didn't have to look at it. I took a break, almost gleefully leaving behind the chaos only to return to it heaving a giant sigh with a few grunts of severe displeasure attached. I didn't even know how to begin to clean it up! But somehow I did. I tackled the big things first.

The problem with that metaphor to real life this go around, is simply that I'm having trouble discerning the difference between the big things and the little ones. Although like that bedroom disaster... when I asked for help, I was turned down repeatedly. It's overwhelming, and completely crippling. Life should not make you feel like sobbing the minute your alarm goes off in the morning.

Work is ridiculous. I can't believe I'm still there! The musical is hard. REALLY hard. And I am completely on my own! When I had told First Lutheran in the beginning that I was looking to take it elsewhere, they clamped down on it saying that they wanted it there no matter what, and for me to ask for help whenever I needed it. Well...the few times I HAVE asked for help, I was met with the equivalent of a "do it yourself" kind of response. Well, fine then! I'm sure you won't mind "helping" me with the donations we'll be raking in!

I'm just crabby. Rawr. I'm grateful to First for allowing me to put on this production. But they've been so much more involved in every other church project. Why am I left out in the cold? Because they have no idea what they're doing. We all know this. Sometimes even I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing! But I do... I have an idea at least.

It's hard to do all of this without all the people who made it happen in the first place. Kelly's gone. BJ is gone. Nikki is gone. RJ is gone. They're my net! And it's gone. BJ called the other day. I never know what to say to him. Since the times we talk are so few and far between... I always end up blurting out this repressed things I didn't even know I was repressing.

One thing I really miss about talking to him, is that we both speak in metaphors. When I would get all deep and philisophical, I knew I could rely on him to speak the same way right back to me. I asked him "If you start out climbing a mountain, with a whole huge group of people...but by the time you get to the top you're all alone, was it worth it?" He had a very simple reply. All he said was "Look at the view." I argued that the view is never as spectacular as it could be if you were sharing it with someone else. The conversation continued with that analogy, BJ attempting to convince me that not everyone has left the mountain, they're just not as high up as I am, and they're just out of sight below the tree line. And aside from that, who's to say there's not a group climbing up the other side, waiting to meet me at the top? He defeated me in my metaphor, but this mountain still feels crazy lonely...and if I could find a cave in the side of the mountain, I would live in it forever. (And if there was a lake in that cave, it would be called a Corrie. True story! It's scottish for cave lake. I'm serious.)

So...melancholy is my mood of late, and it's incredibly difficult to escape. HOWEVER. I remember a lesson I've been taught for years, and by many. When you're working on a project to glorify God, it will be mercilessly attacked. That's how I know I'm on the right track. Absolutely everything that CAN go wrong IS going wrong. This musical is going to change lives! I am going to change lives for Jesus!! Can you BELIEVE it? I am sucha huge threat right now to the devil. Know how I know? Because he's trying to beat me down harder than I've been beat down in a very very long time. I'm ashamed to say it's working. But not completely working! I'm still standing. And even though the PASTORS are trying to tell me to back out, I refuse! This musical is happening. The auditions begin in less than a week!

WE PERFORM OCTOBER 10TH and 11TH!!! THE SHOW MUST GO ON! ---er, the show must get started.

Well, I did a lot of complaining without going into any detail...and I still managed to blab on and on. I MUST be in a sour mood! Ah well. When things get bad, I watch movies and live life through someone else's eyes. When things get REALLY bad, I watch The Painted Veil... which has recently turned into Ed Norton movies in general. God bless Amazon marketplace. Thanks to Amazon, I have basically purchased every single Edward Norton movie there is, starting at just 2.98!

Okay, off I go now to take some more Advil. Can't kick these headaches, friends! AHHH!

-ME

I survived! It was a fabulous trip. After the Lizzie house we enjoyed a very calm 4th of July, watching "Red Dragon" starring my love, Ed Norton... in the screening room.

Saturday was RENT!!! Hooray!!!! We saw the best Angel, he was fantastic. A little shopping was done as well, and then we headed on back to Croton for my last meal...dun Dun DUN! Mexigo again! Deliciousnes to the max. Then we viewed "The Other Boleyn Girl" that I had brought for Kelly to watch, then a crazy walk in the pitch black dark...then sleep. Then bright and early airport! Except when I got there, there was no one. Interesting.. turns out Kelly dropped me off about an hour before the airport opened. It's a very little airport. Good thing the dors were unlocked! The evil security people watched me walk back and forth like an idiot trying to figure out where I was supposed to be, and never offered me the "We're not open yet" tidbit. I was trying to appear not...well, not stupid. So I waited for another not stupid person to ask the questions I couldn't. Te-he-he-he!

So now here I am, back in the mundane horribleness of my existence. I hate my job. Duh. The musical hasn't even started yet, and it's stressing the crap out of me. This is not news, nor was it unpredictable. So...I guess that means I shouldn't update until I have something interesting to say! Fine!

-Me

This could be my very last journal entry. In about half an hour Kelly and I are heading to Fall River to stay at the Lizzie Borden house. Don't know who that is?

"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks, and when she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty one."

They kept the house in its original condition and turned it into a B&B. And my mother had been convinced for years that I could never stay the night somewhere like that. I protested, and nowhere we go. TO prove my mother wrong!

This house has been featured on America's Most Haunted... hooray! I'm a big wimp. What am I doing?? If you hear from me again, I survived...

Bye bye!! ....forever???

I'm in NEW YORK!!!!

I'm on VACATION!!!!

I haven't had one of those in a very, VERY long time. I earned it! I earned it a lot. I'm visiting Kelly, and we planned out a pretty terrific trip, if i do say so myself!

Today is Monday. I got here late Friday night, so technically I'm on day three of my vacation. What have I done so far? Well, gee.

Day one: Got up and met the fam Kelly works for. Cutest kids EVER! Then we headed to the train station and took a lovely train ride along the Hudson river to Grand Central Station in NYC. I am so grateful that Kelly can navigate that City without even thinking. Last time I was here, she was just as NYC green as me, and we looked like idiots.

First stop, TKTS, where we got our discount tickets for SPAMALOT, which was absolutely hilarious. We got to see Drew Lachey and Stephen Collins! After that, back to TKTS to secure our seats for an evening performance of Phantom!!!!!!

Before the show, she took me to Sardie's, which was the fanciest restaurant I have ever set foot in. And what was Corrie wearing? Jeans and Crocs. Oh, heavens. And the bathroom? There was an attendant who turned on the water and pumped the soap for me. Hehehehe! And the food? YUM! And gorgeously presented. I took a picture to be shared at a later date.

Then it was off to see Phantom. I saw it on stage once before a long time ago, and didn't remember the genius sets...so THAT was my favorite part. The girl who played Christine COULD have ruined it all for me, if I didn't already love it. Hearing someone sing flat during their biggest solo moments on BROADWAY just kind of...well, it gave me hope. HAHAHA! Kidding, kidding. I would NEVER!

After Phantom a teeny bit of impulsive buying on Kelly's part, then a late train home. (With the most loud obnoxious drunk people I have ever encountered.)

DAY TWO: Train to the city, shopping at store but not buying anything. (Although I almost purchased a bag of M&Ms only to realize that since I selected them myself from a dispenser at the M&Msstore, they would cost me almost 20 dollars!! Whoops...ditched the bag!)

Went to go see WICKED!!!!! Amazing show. It was SO good! And the theater was incredible. Went and bout a chocolate bar after that at the Hershey's store, then went home on the train to eat dinner t one of Kelly's faves "Mexigo".
After that it was off to White Plains City Center theater to see "Wanted". Pretty good movie! I love James McAVoy.

So now here we are, day three. Kelly works today, so I get to play with the kiddies. We're making enchiladas for everyone tonight.

LATER THEN!!

-ME!!

It's amazing how much things hurt when you try to tell yourself they don't. Guess what that makes me? A liar. There are so many questions, confusion, and memories. I hate not understanding things. I try to figure it out, but it's a waste of time. I'll never have the answers.

How can you go about life continuing things that you never thought you'd have to do alone? Projects and dreams that had always been dreampt of with someone standing next to you when it all came together.

There are moments when I walk into a room and can't even breathe, the urge to fall apart is so strong. The sob is always waiting in my throat, waiting for a weak moment to escape. I can't explain these feelings. Everyone is telling me I'm better off, and I know they're right. But I want to know why I don't have what I always thought I would, and no one can give me that answer. Why was my friendship so brutally and cruelly rejected? Why am I seemingly so undeserving of the answers I need? Why am I treated like I'm hated? What did I do that was so wrong? These questions, among many others can drive someone crazy. I can't let that happen.

One of my biggest dreams is coming true, but it wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be here. Why did this all crumble? Why did he change? Why can't I let it all go? Because there are years invested in this. Years invested in him. I just get so angry when that starts to seem like one big giant waste of time, energy, and heart. "I had so much to give, but you didn't have to take it all. This pain I'm left with, I'm wondering are you happy now?" - Amy Studt

It's a waste of time trying to understand people. It's a waste of time loving people who don't know how to love. It's a waste of EVERYTHING to care about ANYTHING. So how do you know which are the monumental mistakes before you make them? You don't. You make them, and you screw up, and you cry your little heart out and go back to square one. Some mistakes just last a lot longer than others.

I'm angry and bitter now, and I hate being that way. Most days I can leave it behind, wait until the wee hours of the morning to let the acid seep out through the cracks in my sunny disposition... he's so cold and uncaring. So distant and foreign. He's riding a crazy roller coaster, changing personalities and ambitions at every turn, climbing up and falling down faster than I can even comprihend.

What's the point in rehashing this again and again? He doesn't care about you, Corrie! He's not going to miraculously decide to be a human, be the friend you need! He dropped you! He's gone! He made a bunch of lousy empty promises just like every other friend you've ever had. Why are you surprised? Why did you believe him? Why did you let him in in the first place? Stupid idiot, keep your walls! Keep your masks! He'll preach to you to be you, but what does he care? Doesn't he see he's the reason?? He's what builds walls and paints masks? Every word he lies adds a new color of deception to your face. Make it pretty, make it colorful! Keep distracting people from the layers of FALSE adorning your ridiculous lie of a face. Alter their perception, he's given you all the tools you need! He claims to want to do the opposite, he always has. He was a test, and you failed! You are a failure and a liar just like him!

Oh, stop pitying yourself. Woe is me, I'm Corrie and everyone is mean to me. So? who cares! People suck and so do you. Who needs them? Who needs you? No one, so get over it! Life is temporary. People die. You're dying too. Do something that matters. You say you are, huh? Well, prove it. Boo-hoo he's not here to "See Me Through", oh well. Did you really think he'd FOLLOW THROUGH??? YOu can't trust anyone, not even yourself. You betray you more than anything. You're a fool and I barely even tolerate you, let alone like you. How's that for a mask?? You make me sick.

You hate yourself almost as much as you secretly hate everyone else. Whoops! Secrets out! Deal with it. YOu can't blame him for EVERYTHING, just most things. Why? Because you relied on him to NOT be a liar. For that, the blame is only yours. Why did you put so much on one person? It was inevitable that he would run away. They always do. Why? Because you wanted to believe the stories he told, about how "If I had been there when she first got sick, you wouldn't have been alone. I never would have left. I never will, either. We will be a part of each other's lives forever..." blah blah BLAH! WOW! You are so ridiculously stupid. It makes me laugh! Hear me out there? I'm the maniac in your head pointing at you and laughing insanely. You're hilariously pathetic! You fall for EVERYTHING. You claim to have all these trust issues, and that you never believe people. Too bad you believe absolutely everything they say, and fall for it hook line and sinker.

End this now. Go away. Nobody cares. Boo-hoo, go wallow in that for awhile and leave me alone.

Man, life is insane. AHHHH! It makes me feel like a crazy person. Since the first time I talked to BJ, I never really imagined a time when he would be completely out of my life. But... that's what he wanted. That's the decision he made.

Over the past few months he has disappeared and reappeared, each time delivering promises and pleas for a friendship to last through the ages. Then he would abandon everything he said and rip my heart out again. And again. And again. He became unrecognizable to me, and I'm still baffled.

How do you go from love to hate with nothing in the middle? How does he turn so cold? He has prided himself on being this amazing empathetic person, but I think he's just...stupid. Stupid and selfish. But at the same time, I don't think it's entirely his fault.

Throughout our entire relationship BJ had admired my family, specifically my Dad. Can't say that I blame him. Look at the male role models he grew up with. Not exactly the greatest influences. He never witnessed a strong loving and caring relationship. He never knew what it meant to be a united front, because all he ever saw was division. I'm grateful for my upbringing, because I will never doubt what is right or wrong in the treatment of my significant other. I know when I have done wrong, and I know when I have done right, because I have done both. I have made my share of mistakes, but I have also been through MORE than my share of turmoil. I never thought BJ, my best friend... would ever be that man. After what happened when I was there in October, I never throught he would turn into that statistic. I guess he got what he wanted and moved on. Makes me ill just to think about it.

I can analyze and try to figure it out all I want, but I'll always come up empty handed. It doesn't make a single bit of sense. Cure me and my memory, because I can remember every word, every vocal inflection, every promise...broken and otherwise. I can remember all the good times... but thank you to helpful reminder from Kelly, I can remember all the bad as well. That's where his inability to form a united front was painfully obvious. The way he would let people talk to me and about me... sometimes it felt like he didn't even like me. I guess I won't miss that. No, not really...

I will miss BJ my best friend. I kind of put BJ my boyfriend on a pedestal he really didn't deserve, romanticising the relationship in my head because it was my first. He was my first love.

It should have been a giant indicator when he randomly said one time "I'm not the only guy who could ever love you, you know." I had responded at the time by saying 'but you're the only one I want to love me...' and that really isn't true anymore. It amazes me how intensely I used to believe that. He didn't know how to love someone completely. He only knew how to love in bits and pieces. I want to love and be loved completely. I'm really looking forward to finding that.

It still hurts more than I care to admit...the way everything happened. I feel really stupid about certain things, but there's no real way to get around that. Time heals all wounds. I DO think that he's cruel, and I think he's lost his way. The cruelty is unintentional...just a side effect. He's someone different now. If this is the way he's going to stay... I'm worried for his future, and the people in it.

I have more work to do on myself than I'm making it sound. He's not the only one to blame, he's just the one who ran away and left a mess for me to clean. He was a huge part of my life, and there's a gant hole where he used to be. But I think filling that void will prove to be an amazing experience. Replacing lies with truth usually is.

My family is pretty awesome. They transition with me. I used to think they were madly in love with him, and would ridicule me for ruining things. Turns out...they're madly in love with ME and stand behind me even if they think I'm dating an idiot. *cough andi cough* So when I told them BJ didn't even want to be my friend anymore, they didn't even flinch. They shrugged and said "Oh well" like it was just a flash on a TV screen. At first I was offended, because I thought it was a bigger deal than that. To them, he's just Corrie's ex-boyfriend. Why would it be a bigger deal to them? Then it made me feel better to see how they saw it. They will make it easier without even knowing it.

Someday I hope I can look back on all of this as a pleasant and very distant memory. He's chosen to cut ties, so I guess I'll have to just let it all go. I knew it would be tough for me, so i did the typical deletion of him from my phone, myspace, facebook, email, etc.. NOT because I wanted to cut him out of my life... because that was never what I wanted. I did it so I couldn't have any resources to beg him to stay in mine. I know how i can be, and I have a really hard time of letting go of those I love. Curses.

Well, time to go now. Miss you, Nickelby! You're coming home soon!! Can't WAIT!

We will miss you, Darla...


Darla Christine Killmer
April 28, 1996 - April 23, 2008

I hate days like today. I hate how I feel. I get to a point where I find myself absolutely revolted by those around me to the point of physical illness. I literally get so disgusted that I feel like I'm going to be sick.

I feel so angry sometimes. Angry at the circumstances, angry at the past, angry at the future that seems to be beating me into the ground. I hate feeling like this!

I know I'm not completely mentally healthy. I have so many issues I haven't dealt with. Abandonment, humiliation, degradation, betrayal, agony, and pure and total fear. I feel like there's rage that's been long surpressed...and it's transformed into something worse. I don't even know what to call it.

My stomach is swirling with a whirl of emotions, and I don't even know which one to go with. I don't even like myself...so how can I blame others for keeping their distance? Who the heck have I turned into? How can I get back to who I want to be? How do I even figure out who that person is?

I depend on people who love me to help me figure that out, but I don't think they can.

I feel like a mess. I thought I had myself back on the right track. I thought I was where I needed to be. I thought I had things under control. Why is the urge to get in my car and drive in one straight direction and never come back so unbelievably strong? Just adopt a new identity and flee the country. Leave this all behind and start over.

I should take my own advice and "clean out the junk closet"... thank you, anonymous janitor. Your guidance extends well beyond the written page.

Time to go.

"Missing Me" - RJ Helton

..........>>>>>>
Don't understand why we can't go on and go on
Don't understand why
You don't belong in my arms

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea?
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

It's funny how my heart just won't let it go
I just don't understand
It's crazy how the pain seems to overflow
The memories of you here with me by my side
I can't deny that you are the love of my life

And I still cry for you
And I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
And I still long for you
And I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea?
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

Well...

Mom's cancer has grown and gotten worse, and we had kind of a crappy day. How do we cope? We go home and make videos. This video was MEANT to look real, but be completely fake. Jamison got a bit carried away, and towards the end? Very very real. Sunnie had to stop filming when Jamison realized I was calling out "You did it for real!"

So here you are. Enjoy my misery.

It has been quite awhile since I wrote last, and I wish I had the energy to write it all down. But I don't! My head is just a jumble of mixed emotions. Extreme highs and lows bouncing all over the place.

My mom is pretty sick. It's such a crazy roller coaster ride. She has her good days and her bad days. The cancer has spread and she's trying new treatments. It's such a trial for everyone.

Plan See is actually taking shape, and See Me Through is actually going to happen! How? Well, a friend of mine made it possible. RJ Helton, the guy who inspired the story with his brilliant music is now someone I am priviledged to call my friend.

I feel things slipping through my fingers though, and it's so exhausting to even think about writing it all down. There are a lot of things I miss, and wish I could change... but that's not up to me anymore. I miss BJ.

Hopefully I'll write more soon and elaborate a bit more. Until then...

Bye

"Forgive"

This pain goes on
Deep inside my heart
Changing all that I knew
This feels so wrong
I'm tired of being angry
But tell me what do I do
I feel betrayed and completely over come
This is the hardest thing I've ever done

I need to find a way to forgive
The way that You've forgiven me
To understand to know that Your plan
Is something that I don't always see
I need to find a way to forgive
Like You've forgiven me

We're all afraid
Silenced by the fear
Of the mistakes that were made
I call I pray
Lord help me to remember
That everybody breaks
Fill me with your spirit and your words
Give me the heart to heal and not to hurt

I need to find a way to forgive
The way that You've forgiven me
To understand to know that your plan
Is something that I don't always see
I need to find a way to forgive
Like You've forgiven me

Everyone in this world needs a Nikki. But you can't have this one. She's mine. When Andi wrote: "You’re not someone who should be ‘affecting other peoples lives’, because you have never done that in a positive way. Until you can figure out how to change yourself, your contact with others should be limited." It cut deep. For a brief, split second I believed him. Boy, was I wrong! HE was wrong. What wonderful people I have. There were the typical comments laced with colorful language from those certain few...but then there was Nikki.




WHY EVERYONE NEEDS A NIKKI:

He's so...he's so...he's so...ERG!!! I don't even know what to say to all the junk he said! I feel like, yes, he's on to something when he says to "let it go," but what he SHOULD mean by that is to forgive and be able to move on. Not just "let it go" as if it's that simple.

Multiple Personality Disorder = WHO IS HE TRYING TO KID??? Again, like I said in my text message...he must be mistaking you for HIMSELF.

I understand that straight-forward people are great, and that being frank and honest is an admirable quality. But I feel like he's NOT being those things...he's being cruel. He's taking every single comment five steps farther than they need to be just to make it sound more mean. Geez Louise.

And yeah...about the "positively affecting others" part...If he thinks what he says is true, then he NEVER KNEW YOU. You, the REAL you, the you who I know and love and still see in you, even if you're feeling lost. The you who changes over the years and grows, as you should, but always, at the heart of everything, keeps the same spirit. Corrien Killmer, I love you. You have affected ME far beyond positively. You taught me how to sing like no one's listening. You taught me how to think outside the box. You taught me how to dream. You taught me how to be a silly who-cares-what-they-think teenager. I learned, through you, that you're never too old to play on a playground, it only takes a video camera to become a rock star, that geeks are cooler than jocks anyways, and that the kids on my bus called me "mustache" because they were jealous they couldn't grow their own. You learned a language with me. *I LOVE YOU SIGN*. You pointed me down the path of light when I was about to walk down a dark valley. I don't know who I'd BE had it not been for you. Even WITHOUT every little moment we've shared in our lives, that ONE NIGHT could have been the night that saved my faith. I don't even want to know what I would be like without that night. You have drastically changed me for the better, in big ways and small, since I've known you. Corrie, I thank God for you.

Andi can think what he wants, ignore what he knows is true, and go on in his "let it go" world for as long as he wants. I pray God snatches him and brings him back to Him, because he's obviously far, far away. But you, my dear, will come out of this a better soul than he. You can heal, even if it takes quite a while. And I know, with time, you can even forgive. I almost pity Andi, because he seems to be incapable of all those things. Almost pity.

Andi can be wrong. Because I know the truth, and am telling you so that you know it, too. You are a wonderful person, Corrie Killmer, and you have wonderful gifts that bless the people you know. Never, ever, let Andi (or anyone else Satan seems to try and use against you) tell you otherwise. Satan can eat it. (Ooops...is it still sinful to be vulgar towards the devil himself? Heh...).

You, my dear...go listen to RJ Helton's "Forgive." ;) Praise God for who He is. And never forget who YOU are (even if it's hard to see right now). What does that good old quote say? A friend is someone who knows the song of your heart...and can sing it back to you when you've forgotten the words.

And I'm singing it loud and proud!!!! (Which, coincidentally, I learned from you. ;))

Love, always.
Nik

So that's all for now.
God Bless You All.

Mom's cancer is back.

News, news, news...oh yeah! I'm single. The thing with that guy JOEY was his name, never really went anywhere. It was all kinda dumb. I feel really stupid about it, actually.

In other news, I am fully moved into the apartment. Now it's Kelly's turn to make a lot of messes. Unfortunately, she and Tim are no longer together. So she has a lot more time suddenly to attempt to make her half of the apartment look pretty. It's slow going, but still semi-productive. It will be lovely.

I'm going to Alabama with Kelly next weekend since she's not currently on her way there with Tim. We're still borrowing Andi's Denali, and I shall resist peeing in it.

Tim and Kelly are going to do the friends thing. I hope it works out better for her than it did with me and Andi. He's kind of a crappy friend. No, he just isn't a friend. I went from lover to nobody, and whatever, I guess that's fine. I miss people though...if I spend a grat deal of time with them, and then all of a sudden nothing...I miss them. I'm human. Just like I miss Amber, Jeremy and Ale. Oh well. They made their choices. I was kind of left out of those equations.

I'm so excited to see BJ in Alabama! So so so excited. It's been seven months! It will be very good to see him. He and his family are going through a really hard time. Not the same as what my family has gone through recently, but I can still relate to certain aspects. I can understand now how much he wanted to be with me during it all, because I feel the same way now. He's my best friend. I miss him.

So, I guess that's all for now. More later!

BYE!!

FLC's Video Drama September

Look at this! This is the video I made with the aid of high school best theater buddies for First Lutheran. Yay! Enjoy :)

Well! I guess a lot has happened. I'll try to be as brief as possible. I'm in the process of moving out! I half moved today, I'll finish up tomorrow. I am so exhausted! I'm moving into Kelly's apartment! I get the bedroom. YES! Kelly set it up really nice. I'll take pictures and post them when all is put together.

In other news, I've started dating someone new. Kind of a long distance relationship again. I'm not exactly excited about THAT aspect of it, but overall I'm pretty excited. He's crazy about me, which is definitely a plus! I don't feel like I'm annoying him, which is how I always felt with Andi. Wasn't really planning on jumping into another relationship... but it has no choice but to be a slow moving one. He lives in Chicago. We'll see what happens! He gives me butterflies...

I forgot how much fun Caribou can be. It's more fun of course when Randy isn't around. He makes me want to tear my face off sometimes, I swear. There are so many things he does that just completely annoy me. GRR! Ah well. Your boss is SUPPOSED to annoy you, right?

So I guess that's all I have to say for now. We went to the Renaissance Festival yesterday! Kelly, Jamie and I went in "character" I will post those pictures as well. They're fantastic.

Until then--

Farewell friends!

Time for the recap of the VACATION! I'll tell you this much... it was so hard to come home! First things first!

I left on August 31st! My plane was a bit late, so my Aunt Rachel was waiting for me when I got there, pretending to be annoyed. It was so good to see her! We drove home to Tega Cay SC from Charlotte NC... she pointed out where she worked at Billy Graham and other cool landmarks along the way.

When we got to the house Uncle Scott was waiting there happily to greet me. He showed me his pet spider, Charlotte. Gross. It was a gigantic garden spider that lives on the side of his house. I took a picture.



After that, we chatted a bit before deciding where to go for dinner. We settled on "Fish Bone" which had AMAZING seafood! Uncle Scott took the liberty of selecting my meal for me. I had scallops and shrimp and a baked potato. DELICIOUS! So so good. The scallops were HUGE and melted in my mouth. After that we went to the video store and rented "Fracture"...then we picked up a couple necessities at the grocery store. The evening ended in front of their giant TV in their unbelievably comfy living room. Then I went to go sleep in Kyle's room! Very blue, very comfortable.



The next morning Rachel made unbelievably delicious orange cranberry white chocolate cream scones from SCRATCH! They were eyes roll back in your head good. Scott set out to go fishing with his best friend Gil, while Rachel and I hit to road to Clemson, where Zachary goes to school. What should have been a 2 hour drive turned into a much longer drive when we got stuck in traffic. A FedEx truck had somehow crashed and snapped itself in half over the concrete partition on the interstate. It was carrying a load of Dell computers. Too bad there were so many cops around, the computers were all over the ground! But, soon we made it to Clemson, and I got to see Zach! It had been too long. I missed him.



We drove around and Zach gave us a tour of the campus. We stopped at the Clemson track and walked around a bit. It was really awesome to see where he did his thang!



After the tour we went to Ruby Tuesday's for lunch, and then out for ice cream. After THAT we took Zach grocery shopping and annoyed the heck out of Rachel. The things that come out of Zachary's mouth! I tried not to laugh, but I couldn't help it. My stomach hurt so badly afterwards!

After the goodbyes later that afternoon/evening, Rachel and I headed back to Tega Cay. We met up with Scott at the house, and watched some TV before and after we had some yummy fresh shrimp with pasta. A wonderful day! I managed to take some pictures of the deer that Uncle Scott feeds each night. I took pictures through the blinds on the back door. Wasn't easy, but I got some amazing shots! I had never seen deer so close up before. Then we watched Pirates of the Caribbean; Curse of the Black Pearl. BIG TV! Lots o' fun.



On Sunday we got up and went to church together. It was a good message about how to Glorify God in your work. Definitely not a bad one for me to hear! Even a coffee shop can be a Godly job if you make it one.

After that Scott and Rachel decided to take me to the mall. Without my knowledge they had planned to buy me a new outfit. Little did they know what they were getting themselves into! I am the worst shopper in the world. I drove them a little crazy BUT...they bought me three beautiful tops to wear. It was very very nice of them!

After that we went to a restaurant that I can't remember the name of...for Mexican food. I had "Mexican Stir Fry." It was delicious! Then we headed back to the house. Rachel and I went to the grocery store for a few more things after watching some Food Network. Then...we came back home. We ended up watching random TV shows and eating a yummy oreo dessert before Scott decided on putting on "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." I started to fall asleep, so went up to bed after that.

On Monday we had a lazy morning with scones and the food network. It was so great to just...relax! No worries. Later that afternoon Scott ran some errands and Rachel took me to the Billy Graham library. It was more of a museum, really. It was a beautiful building.



It was really really interesting! I enjoyed it. It had a spiritual impact, and you just felt good being there. After the library we headed back to the house. Scott wasn't there yet, but Rachel started making an amazing meal of Salmon, red potatoes and shrimp skewers. Oh man! Yummy! Shortly after that, Rachel and I made homemade marshmallows! Yes, people DO that!



We watched the deer eat outside, and then settled in to watch the Clemson football game on ESPN. I tried really hard to understand it. I actually DID enjoy it. Uncle Scott gave me a foot rub...*grins* it relaxed me a little bit too much and I had to go up to bed.

The next morning, Tuesday, Rachel and I...no, scratch that. I WATCHED Rachel make more yummy scones, that I got to take home with me! I was coating marshmallows and packing them up to take those home with me too! SOOOO good. Scott and Rachel prayed over me before Rachel and I left for the airport. It was so sad for me to leave!

The time I spent there was amazing. We didn't do anything extravagant, but it was exactly what I needed. So many good conversations and good laughs. Everything from Rachel telling me she was "jiggy" to the serious stuff. It was so enjoyable. Scott makes me feel human and normal, which is really hard to feel sometimes. They told me I was a ray of sunshine.

I really miss them, even though we didn't see them that often when they lived here. I was so excited to go, and it was even better than I had hoped. They treated me like royalty. They were so open with me, and told me things about their lives growing up that I had never known before. I felt...important in a non-demanding way. My parents make me feel important in a financial and chore related way. It felt so good! And they kept telling me how much they loved having me there.

Anyway, so that was my vacation. I know no one cares about the general day to day except for me...but it was definitely something worth remembering...it may not seem like it, but it was an amazing trip. I was so grateful to them for having me.

Well, I started back at Caribou today. I was supposed to get there at 6am, fill out paperwork, and then sort of ease into the whole thing again, watch, observe, relearn... (it's really hard hopping back and forth with drink formulas being different between each chain) BUT!! Someone went home very early, and all of the sudden Randy pulls me aside and says "Yeah... I'm just going to go ahead and throw you on bar"

So that was that! Short shift, not too bad. Saw some regulars and made them very happy. I hope this isn't as permanent as it feels right now. I don't think I would like myself for very long if that continued to be the case!

So now I'm going to do a survey Kelly put up on myspace, because I'm bored. Sunnie's engagement party is tonight, and I don't have much to do beforehand...so... there!


1) Are you an Aunt/Uncle?
Yes. But I forget that sometimes! My technically oldest sister has two children, Tyler and Jenna.

2) Can you do a cartwheel
If you want do die laughing

3) What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
The Nanny Diaries

4) Do you eat vegetables regularly?
I do. I heart them.

5) If you were going to get a body piercing, where would you get it?
My elbow. It's all the rage these days.

6) Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex?
Hopefully more now! I hang via telephone, does that count?

7) What is the weather like right at this very moment?
Blah

8) What is something that you can't wait for?
To fall in love with the real deal

9) How many times have you been to Canada?
It's such a blur. Was that Canada?

10) Have you ever had a reptile as a pet?
Just a fake beanie one. I don't think that counts.

11) What is your favorite fruit?
I enjoy mangoes.

12) What song is on your MySpace profile right now?
"I Hear You Calling" by GOB

13) Who was your last missed call on your cell phone?
BJ, calling to see how the first day at the Bou went

14) Where are you most ticklish?
My neck. Get away from me.


15) How many hours a week do you normally work?
Forty

16) Who's your number 1 on your top friend list?
My Smelly.

17) Do you have deep dark secrets?
I do, actually. Things absolutely nobody knows. A lady has to keep some mystery!

18) When was the last time you were sick?
Last time I had to take some disagreeable medicine... but after that life circumstances made me just altogether ill.

19) What color is your car?
White.

20) How many siblings do you have?
Four.

21) Have you ever gotten caught sneaking out?
Ha! No. I was punished for staying in!

22) Did you ever try running away from home when you were younger?
No, I just got kicked out a lot.

23) What makes you the happiest?
Well, I can't rely on people to make me happy. So... good conversations and gut busting laughter...both involve people...but not entirely dependant upon them. Whatever! YOu can have a great conversation with yourself!

25) Where do you want to be right now?
On a cruise

26) Have you ever finished a Rubik's Cube?
No. People kept taking them away from me whenever I tried!

27) When is the last time you drank too much?
The day after never.

28) When was the last time you rode a bike?
My brother has stolen mine again...but I rode it all around the day I rescued it!

29) Do you have any vacation plans for this summer?
I go to the SC in three days. Holla!

30) Where were you 1 hour ago?
Asleep...on my bed.

31) Who will be your next kiss?
Cairo

32) Do you kiss a lot of people?
People? Mmm...not so much.

33) Are you wearing socks right now?
Nope!

34) When was the last time you went out of state?
Chicago for the Arts conference!

36) What was the last thing you had to drink?
Archer Farms Wildberry Water

37) What are you wearing right now?
Pink flowered pajama pants, and my MHS one act fest T-shirt. MY SPOON IS TOO BIG!

38) What was your last purchase?
Supplies for Sunnie's guacamole!

39) Last thing you ate?
E.L. Fudge cookie. Bad, Corrie BAD!

40) Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Work shirts.

41) Are you a sexual predator:
Why yes I am.

42) What is in the backseat of your car:
Absolutely NOTHING! That's because I have fold down seats, so everything ends up in the trunk to give the illusion of cleanliness. Much like a closet, or under the bed, etc...

43. Three words to explain why you last threw up:
One Giant Mistake

44. What is the equation for the Pythagorean theorem?
A squared plus B squared equals C squared

45. What was the last movie you watched?
Peal Harbor

46. Do you think Barbie is a negative role model for young girls?
Nah, I think every girl should strive to be deformed.

47. What kind of car does your mother drive?
A Cruiser of the PT sort, in the shade of black.

48. Do you like scrabble?
Not since the german teacher who was forced to teach french made us play it every day IN french to avoid actually teaching us anything. My bonjour is a triple word score!

49. Where did/do you attend high school:
IN the lake where the white bear died. Seriously! That's the legend. It's a little more detailed than that. And I didn't actually go to school IN the water. Just the city that's named for it. White Bear Lake, in case you didn't know.

50. Favorite scent:
Christmas! I guess that's a pine scent. I adore it.

51. Do you like mornings:
Not at 3:45 am! But other than that, yeah..we coo

52. Last television program you watched?
Oprah on TiVo.

53. Spell your name without any vowels:
Crr Ha! That's like Grr but with a "c"

54. Does your neighbor have an animal that annoys you?
Yes! ON both sides! Darn yippers.

55. Does your family own any boats:
Father has one. It moves every other year. I hear it floats.

56. Things you can't live without?
My pals, my fam, my furry friends, movies, writing...

57. Do you wear flip flops constantly:?
When I'm not required to wear something else! Or when it's not cold outside. I wear my Sanuks! They're magic, so just back off about how ugly they are already! Geez!

58. What do you think of Adam Brody?
He COULD have been my friend, but he blew that chance by going to film some show called "The OC" instead of keeping his engagement to promote Grind at TMOA...

59. Do you have air conditioning in your room?
Yes...but sometimes I genuinely doubt its existence.

61. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
It American Sign Language. We were all wearing ear plugs. Didn't work out so well for us. We were confused.

62. How often do you read books?
Never. I used to! I plan on changing that.

63. Do you like James Blunt?
Am I in trouble? Who is James Blunt?

65. Describe the computer you are currently using :
It was a gift from my sistah...which is funny, because she hates PCs. But they're cheap, what can I say? I enjoy it though. When it works :) It's an hp pavilion.

66. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?
When I go out...does that mean with other people? Cuz that doesn't happen very often. I went out yesterday and it took me an hour to get ready. Not for normal reasons, but because I shut the bathroom door before I had pulled my foot through...took part of my ankle skin off, and it insisted on bleeding...a lot! That was annoying.

67. Will you donate your organs after you pass:
I should...but I forgot to check that box...

68. Have you been outside of the USA?:
Cruise to the BAHAMAS baby!

69. Would you ever get your nipple pierced?:
My nipples have enough problems on their own. Owie!

70. If you could pick one person to be with forever who would it be?
Jude Law... wait, does it have to be someone I know personally? Gawrsh...

A BELOVED FAVORITE...



Weep you no more sad fountains
What need you flow so fast?
Look how the snowy mountains
Heaven's sun doth gently waste.

But my sun's heavenly eyes
View not your weeping,
That now lies sleeping
Softly, softly, now softly
Softly lies sleeping

Sleep is a reconciling
A rest that peace begets.
Doth not the sun rise smiling
When fair at ev'n he sets?

Rest you then, rest, sad eyes,
Melt not in weeping,
While she lies sleeping
Softly, softly, now softly
Softly lies sleeping.

-Anonymous

How could I FORGET?!?!?!

Brad and I had been batting back e-mails for awhile, concerning the possibility of doing something fantastic combining music and drama near Christmas. AKA... A Christmas MUSICAL perhaps?!?!?!? Saweet!

So, he told me he had been looking online for possible musicals to perform. I dashed the idea a bit saying 'why not just write our OWN script...while setting it to both contemporary and classic Christmas songs? It's always cool to use music the audience is familiar with, but have it actually apply to a character."

Then I told him about See Me Through and continued to boost my idea. About twenty minutes later, I recieved this e-mail:

Exciting News!

We are planning on doing a Christmas Musical this year on a Sunday morning in December. The exact date has not yet been set - but we have been given the go-ahead. Along with our drama team headed up by Corrie Killmer - we will be writing and producing our own drama/musical using contemporary worship/Christmas songs as well as traditional ones being performed by members of our own Edge worship band.

There will be a number of solos as well as choral arrangements. Anyone seeking to do a solo will need to audition. EVERYONE is encouraged to participate.

Please pray for direction as we begin to prepare for this opportunity to reach our community with the great news of Jesus' birth.

Grace & Peace, Brad

AHHHHH! He used my idea! OH MY WORD! I'M WRITING A CHRISTMAS MUSICAL!!!!

That was just to the worship team, but we'll be posting both acting and singing auditions for the entire church! I'll have to stand my ground about the combining a good vocalist with good acting for solos. Because I don't want a random character to come out and sing a title song that doesn't apply to them unless it FITS the story. We all know how that bothers both Kelly and myself.

So there! Dreams are coming true my friends! Make way, make way! *HAPPY DANCE*

WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Here it comes. The admission of the truth. I'm no longer at Dunn Bros. Where am I, you ask? CARIBOU! I must be crazy. I didn't think it would go this far. What do I mean? Well... the shortest version possible...

Whether it's all true or not is beyond me. I was up to my neck in teenage drama. Andi sought Ale out after he broke up with me, and all hell broke loose. Andi already had Jeremy...and Jeremy decided that after walking off his shift three hours early and being reprimanded by me for it...that he wanted nothing to do with me. What did he say to me? Oh yes. That I was just being mean to him because he was friends with Andi. NOT because he had abandoned his job without manager permission.

I was already tired of it. That's when Ale admitted to me that she and Andi had been conversing on a regular basis since the break up. WHAT?!?!?! What reason was there?? They weren't friends before! But apparently she had contacted him about a weekly BBQ...whatever. And then he felt he needed to set her straight on what REALLY happened between he and I. (This is what Ale told me...) He told her that I was never really in the relationship... that it was just another part I played because I'm an actress, and I was using him for comfort and stability in a hard time.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I don't know what else to say! Are you freaking kidding me? I was head over heels for the first Andi. But then there was second Andi, and third Andi. If I was guilty of any acting, it was acting happy waiting for the first Andi to return. Sometimes I miss the person he was so badly, it's hard to breathe. By the end of the relationship, he was a complete stranger. One that I truly resented.

I was so appaled that he and Ale had been talking, that I didn't know how to handle it. Suddenly my personal life was the subject of hushed whispers and awkward glances throughout the work place. I smoothed things over with Jeremy. He apologized for his remarks saying that he had had a bad day, and was taking it out on me.

Ale was offended, because she felt that I didn't put forth enough effort in my friendship with HER as I did with Jeremy. She and Andi had been feeding lies to each other about me for too long, so she felt completely honorable in her accusations. She continued to harass me for three days via text message.

I sent Amber a message telling her what Ale was doing. The next day, Ale continued her written abuse and accusations, absolutely furious that I had told Amber about any of it, saying that it was a personal problem. Well...it was being brought into the work place, so it was more than personal! But... how did Ale find out I told Amber? Because Amber blabbed everything at work...and it got back to Ale. If I couldn't go to Amber in confidence, who could I go to? I was heartbroken and confused.

After hours of trying to figure everything and EVERYONE out, I wrote to HR. I told them I took full responsibility for letting two employees too close to my personal life during times of personal crisis. Their answer to my problem was to accept my e-mail and plea for help as my immediate voluntary resignation. Amber and the Hugo store were left high and dry and I was left without a job. NOT the way I planned it at all! But if my boss couldn't help me and just made it worse, who was I supposed to talk to?

So, Amber was told I quit on the spot and she was furious. I can't blame her. I never would have done that to her had I had the choice. Although...I'm very glad all of this is over. I'll miss the store and the people, but certainly not the drama and the attitudes.


*sigh* So I'm back at the bou. I told Jody briefly what happened, and in a matter of hours I had a job. I wasn't asking her to find me one...but I couldn't turn it down either. I really don't want to go back there, but I don't have a choice at the moment. I need money!!

So Andi gets Dunn Bros and the employees... I didn't get much in the settlement agreement. Hahaha! I didn't even get to keep what I came with! Although... there were a few personal items that he never got his paws on. Caroline, Nikki, Jess, and Sarah. Four of the best people in the entire world...and they're the people on the planet who know me the best... and know that all of this was a bunch of bologna. It REALLY is sad that someone who claimed to know me so well would rather tell and believe lies than to actually embrace the person they knew and claimed to cherish. (BY someone I mean Andi...) But I'm not in the habit of begging people to accept or befriend me. That's just ridiculous.

"Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn, take me baby or leave me!"

So here I am! Those who love me love me, those who hate me hate me...but I'm the same person to both. As dad told me SO many times...not everyone in this world is going to like you. SOme people are just flat out going to hate you...and they don't have to have a reason. YOu'll just have to accept that." Bitter bitter pill to swallow, but a necessary one for my overall wellness.

SO... I leave in six days. Woot woot!!! I can't WAIT! Then I come back and go to the ren fest. At least I hope so! I have a COSTUME! Laugh all you want, I care not!

I'm gonna go now. Have a fantastic day! I know I will! Have to go buy Bou clothes...argh.

Later!

Something big is about to change. There's too much going on, and I'm cutting it down before it ruins me. That's all I'm going to say for now, because pretty soon it could get spun around to be something it isn't. But I'm DONE!

In other news, I took a relationship personality quiz, and it's right on! It's a color code. Look at this!

Congratulations, Corrien, you are a BLUE personality. The Core Motivation that drives you through life is "Intimacy". It is important to note that this does not mean sexual intimacy. BLUES need connection - the sharing of rich, deep emotions that bind people together. As a BLUE, you will often sacrifice a great deal of time, effort, and/or personal convenience to develop and maintain meaningful relationships throughout your life.

BLUES seek opportunities to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated, especially by their partner. Everything you do as a BLUE has to be quality-based, or you won't do it at all. You are incredibly loyal to friends, employers, employees, and above all to your significant other. Whatever or whomever you commit to is your sole (and soul) focus. As a BLUE, you love to serve and will give freely of yourself in order to nurture the lives of others.

BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling of the four personalities, although they may not acknowledge (or even realize) the fact. Your code of ethics is remarkably strong and you expect others (not only your partner and those closest to you, but everyone) to live honest, committed lives as well. You enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation with your partner as well as remembering special life events (e.g. birthdays and anniversaries).


Crazy, huh? I know. Well, that's all for now I guess. I could go on and on about what's been going on and on, but some people just aren't worth it. That's why I'm getting rid of it all.

So...goodbye for now!

-ME

A better ME... and my mission, should I choose to accept it

Today is darker than it was yesterday, and yet the sun is shining brighter. It's having too much time to think and analyze what is, isn't, could be, won't be, shouldn't be, shouldn't have, might have been. I'm dizzy now.

A day off from work used to be a good thing. But that was when I knew how to make the world stop spinning. I would find things that made me happy and exist completely inside of them if only for a day. It was like my own personal magic trick. I could disappear and reappear within the random poetry of a day well spent. My ability to do that has seemed to vanish, replaced instead with a constant nagging feeling in the back of my mind. At times this feeling adopts the sound of a clock. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. What now, Corrie? What now? It's questions repeat ruthlessly. What now, Corrie? What now? Tick tock, tick tock. The possibilities are no longer endless. They have a schedule, just like everything else. What now, Corrie? What now?

I changed my hair again. No doubt another effort in changing me again. I don't think it worked. I've spent a great deal of time looking at my reflection in the mirror today, for some reason expecting to see a different face. I still look the same. I still feel the same. I still am the same. Tick...tick. What now?

My hair is not nearly as dramatic as I make it sound. I'm glad to have tried something different. There's something else clawing at my mind. Maybe it's just the tick tock clock, maybe it's something more. I'm not sure.

I've been analyzing my decisions that have taken place in the last year. Some were good, some not so good. I fantasize about doing something drastic. Finding a nanny job in some obscure location...with the promise of being treated as part of the family and brought along on glorious family vacations all around the globe. This is what I want pretty much every other day. Just to drop everything and start to live! Life Extraordinary!

I've fooled myself into believing I've accomplished things I haven't. Love? I don't know if I've ever found it. BJ was the first everything to me, so of course it would feel intense. But love? How do I know the difference? To have had nothing, and then a devoted relationship, and then tragedy...and then Andi. I didn't love Andi, not even close. But I loved being wanted around by someone who lived in the same state. I was COMPLETELY in love with that aspect of the relationship, as fleeting as it may have been. But I don't think I even know what love is. Romantic love, I mean. I know what it is to love a friend, a sister, a brother, a father, a mother. I know and cherish that love. But have I ever been IN love? I have no idea.

I scare myself sometimes with the sudden intense desperate need to figure that out. At first I thought it was a desperate need for love itself, but I think really that it's the need for discovery. I've existed in tragedy and drama for a very, very long time. Things happen in our family that other families cannot even imagine. It's come from the outside, people telling us in awe and disbelief... "Wow. With your family, when it rains it pours." And it's not too often that the storms subside for too long. Things just keep...happening. I amaze myself sometimes when I laugh. How can I laugh? How could anyone under the circumstances? How could anyone do silly dances and say silly things and poke people and tickle them and make them laugh with you too? Is that my gift? My mission? Do I exist in this family of tragedy to lighten the emotional burden? That's too bad... because I don't feel like I'm very good at it. But I do love to see them laugh. To smile. Is this why my fantasies of leaving seem so impossible? What do others depend on me for? What is my function?

I know pretty much every single person on the face of the planet asks that question of themselves on a regular basis. What is my purpose in life? What is God's plan for me? Why do the answers seem so hard to find? I long and ache for discovery. Discovery of so many things.

I fantasize about my trip to South Carolina. I fantasize about falling in love with a new place and not returning to the old one. Shedding the skin of tragedy and burden and starting over, fresh and new. Feeling the weight lift off my shoulders once and for all. Fill my scope with different sights and faces, each and every one of them unknowing of the life I've left behind. No more shadows of mistakes, just the light of new possibility. But then I think about my job, and my family, and float down from my cloud. How could I do that to them? How could I hurt them like that? And life gets heavier again. Back to earth.

Parts of my relationship with BJ were mistakes. However, I don't think ending it was a mistake at all. Neither of us were really truly happy. Whether it be the physical distance, or distances of other kinds... we were no longer who we were in the beginning. It's hard to let go of him, just because I know he loves me. Is he the only one who could?

Pretty much my ENTIRE relationship with Andi was a mistake. But it was so easy! So much of my life has been spent holding and comforting those around me. All of the sudden there was this man who wanted to hold and comfort ME and tell ME everything was going to be okay. He thought he felt things for me that he didn't, and I tricked myself into feeling things I knew I shouldn't. Everything I fell for in the beginning was fleeting and momentary and short lived...but it was a bad time to be alone. That's no reason to stay with anyone. I was selfish. And now? Ultimately alone. My fault, I guess. I should have been alone sooner. Self preservation.

Like so many people, I crave love. But I'm not looking for it. It't like trying to find lasting satisfaction in a bowl of ice cream. YOu want the ice cream, it tastes good, it seems like it could solve all your problems, but it turns out it wasn't ice cream at all. It was fat, and sugar, and flavor substitutes. The things I find that I believe to be love are really just momentary substitutes. At least I think so. But I don't knwo the difference!

Sounds like a lot of garbage coming from someone who's only dated two men. But there have in fact been more. The others were just people with ulterior motives. IN love with my sisters, to be exact. Or homosexuals. Whatever! Maybe those were all just adolescent what ifs, but they were real to me.

I know I haven't found forever yet. I also know that I wouldn't know it if I had! Parts of me miss BJ, and parts of me very much still miss Andi. Another thing I crave is consistency. To go from seeing someone pretty much every day to seeing him...not at all, has not been easy. Neither of us were happy, but I still enjoyed him most of the time. And in quiet moments alone, he would be that person that I fell for to begin with...and then everything I hated about the relationship seemed worth it. Sick and twisted, indeed. I miss the way he held me. In those moments I could drift away to possible, even though I knew I was better suited for never. It was lovely to pretend. It scares me though to think that I could probably pretend again, no matter how much I love for reality. Reality meaning making it REAL.

I'm a sick lady this week. I have allergies galore, parts of the misery due to another lung infection (cough cough, hack hack), woman special time, (with a few added complications), and a headache that just won't seem to end! My entire body is groaning every time I move, and there doesn't seem to be anything to do about it.

I lay completely still and try to focus on a screen. My eyes wander to a light source like they always do, and my mind wanders away from the story being told, to stories I've already seen with my own eyes. Memories, flashing in little sparks. Agonizing spurts of light. Flashes beating me through the sides of my head, ringing through my temples with hated glee REMEMBER ME! REMEMBER ME! My finger nails are longer these days. Know how I know? The memories drive me so crazy, my palms have started to pay the price. I can remember in great detail feelings and glances and touches and kisses, and then I get angry. Why can't I forget? Why can't I forget!!?!? I just want to be everything to somebody, not just for pretend. I want to combine the good things in everyone I've known to make the perfect man. What's wrong with that?

Oh, that's right. It's impossible. My mom prayed specifically for the man she wanted, all the way down to what he wore and what kind of sink would be in her kitchen. Her prayer was answered, and she found the most amazing man she had ever met. It scared her to death! Kelly prayed a similar prayer, following my mother's example and seems to think hers has been answered as well. I think I'm scared of praying a prayer like that. WHy? Why would i be scared of getting what I want? Probably because it's never happened before, and it might just be the end of me! Hah, no seriously. I don't know why I haven't done that yet. I think I'm scared of my future mistakes.

I'm really good at sabotaging relationships. I've done it my entire life. My trying so hard NOT to sabotage my relationship with Andi, I sabotaged my relationship with Andi. I was too accomodating, too willing, too perfect. I waited on him hand and foot, trying to avoid any possibly disagreement. Sometimes I would stand my ground and he'd seem to hate it, so I'd back down. The spark he saw in me was quickly and quietly extinguished, but I didn't even know I was doing it. I was boring. He was boring. We were boring. But we were wrong for each other anyway. I was who I thought he wanted me to be, but what if all he wanted was me? Oh well. If he was really him the whole time like he claims (even though I saw so many different versions) I guess I didn't want him anyway.

What if I pray that prayer, meet God's choice, and screw it up? How do I stay myself? I disappeared when I was with BJ, and I disappeared when I was with Andi. How do I keep me around? How do I stay the person they see in the beginning?

I watch my sisters with their men, hether in person or in spirit. I'm not jealous, or envious...it's almost painful to watch. It magnifies my failures and bad decisions. It's a strange feeling. I'm just not happy with myself. I'm happy with many ASPECTS of my life, but me as a person...I'm not happy with her at all. How do I fix that?

Focus on the positive, live life with joy, put on a happy face, be a cheerful servant. I just don't understand what's changing. The colors are different. Inside of me and out. Fears and disappointments are more present than before. Why is that? Life has gotten less severe if anything. Somedays my mom seems to be making a lot of progress. Why do I seem to be the one slipping?

BLAH. Well, it looks like I'm writing a novel this evening. I've been house sitting for Brad but haven't been able to really enjoy it like I thought I would. I thought I would be spending all of my free time there, but it just doesn't feel as good to be alone anymore. I'm really tired of it, actually. My parents used to marvel at how well I could entertain myself. I was friends with everyone growing up, but friends weren't necessary in my every day life like they were for Sunnie. I was content to spend the time with myself, write a story or make up a play. Now... the silence wreaks havoc on my ears and drives me crazy. Movies depress me and just make me wish that I were anyone else but me...the person watching other stories happen instead of living my own. I wish I had the means to travel. REALLY travel. See the world! But not alone. I don't want to do it alone.

Okay, I think I'm done for now. My headache is taking over my head. Time to find something else to do.

Have a good evening.

-Whoever I am today...

Today was an interesting day! I had a moment of weakness last night and couldn't sleep very well as a result. My stomach kept me up, but my cloud of a bed relaxed me somewhat. (I'm still praying for the someday tempurpedic.) My stomach hurts so bad when my mind wanders to places it shouldn't. It's like God's warning signs. Corrie! Knock it off! Te-he-he. So, as a result I was very sleepy and somewhat zombie-ish this morning.

Jeremy came in at 5:45 to start his shift. He was not feeling well either. What a pair! We had good conversations though. I really love him. He helps keep me sane. He brings clarity to my jumbled thoughts. We figured out something today that I hadn't thought of before. It makes a LOT of sense!

Later on Jeremy had to roast, so it was just me and Peter. IN the nicest way possible...Peter is complete incompetent. It's more like working by myself. He just gets in the way! He takes orders, screws them up and I have to correct them and fix his mistakes, while making all the drinks, restocking things, grabbing bakery, and waiting on customers. Then while he sees me running around like a crazy person, he stands there and watches, going "Um..should I do something?" HECK YES YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING! GOSH! So I say "Um...you could make the drinks you just rang up. I have about 12 I'm making on drive." He looks at me, blinks, and says "Oh." And proceeds to take at least five minutes on each drink. But enough complaining. I really like Peter as a person. He makes me giggle. And working with him actually makes time FLY because you never stop moving...around him.

After work I zipped home to help with the sale, though I really wasn't much help. I ended up selling my entire LOTR action figure collection for $75.00 WOW!!! When I think about it, I know I spent WAY more than that, but people don't typically like to spend that much on toys at sales. But whateva! I wasn't about to complain! Paul's cousin Erin was there helping out again, and she and I have a lot in common. We ended up trading things we each had brought to sell. She got my personal karaoke gadget (you plug it into an MP3 player and you can hear yourself sing along in the ear phones...) and I got roller skates! Saweet! I used to zip zip zip all over the place on roller skates back in the day. I was WAY excited. I tried them out this evening...I need practice, OH BOY!

A couple days ago, I invited my dad out on a date. Tonight was the night! We each showered and looked nice, and left the house for a 5:10 showing at the new Rosedale theater for "Bourne Ultimatum". It was FANTASTIC! And Dad had a blast. He was very very thankful, saying he hadn't had fun like that in a long time. We got popcorn and half lemonade half Sprite...and got butter topping on the popcorn... because we're never allowed to with Mom. We were living it up!

After the excellent movie I treated Dad to his all-time favorite, Willow Gate. They've completely changed! They built like...the great wall of Willow Gate outside, so you walk through a little passageway, it's adorable! They re-did the front, and offer a completely different menu! Aside from the old favorites, they've added an entire Thai section and lots of other new things to try. Lots of seafood! It's incredible. We ate too much. We purposely ordered more than we could eat so we could bring Mom a feast.

Now home again, and reflecting on life. It's amazing how fast things can change, and how different ones perspective can be from one day to the next. Life is not easy by any means, but things that i thought were making it easier before, were actually adding far too many complications. More than I needed! I like where I am.

It's still good to get away though! That's why I'm so excited about my trip! And again, I'm stupid. I'm flying INTO North Carolina, but they actually live just inside of South Carolina, so I was right the first time. So I'm going to say I'm going to both! So there! Rachel is so so excited. She can't wait either! Things to look forward to! Yay!

Also there's the Renaissance Festival. Did I mention that already? I ordered a costume online. I'm so excited! Laugh all you want, last year was the first time I dressed up, and I had a blast! And it was a 2 minute costume...this one will be real! It's my Era! Curves were in, chunky was good! Thin meant you were going to die. It's just the truth! I am unbelievably attractive at the Renaissance Festival, and Ophelia opened my eyes to exactly that. The attention I got was amazing! Jammer is going with me. He wants me to order him a Monk costume. It comes with the bald head wig. NOOO! A Medieval Monk. No, Jamie. No! He wants it badly. We shall see.

Even little times away are things to be excited about. Next week I'm house sitting for the worship Pastor at First, Brad. That'll be fun! A little retreat all for me. Yeah... you're so jealous!

Well, I guess that's it for now. It was a good day! Tomorrow is the first Saturday I've had off in about a million years. I hope I can handle it!

Later taters!

-ME

What UP?

So! Let's see. Jammer cut his hair off. YES! I win! What? No, just that I've been begging him to do that forever.

Tomorrow is the opening of the garage sale Sunnie has worked her little butt off on. People from multiple families have donated items to sell for our family to keep the profits, can you believe it? Sunnie is selling a REALLY NICE couch and love seat if anyone is interested. But come on by! Or if you have stuff you don't want and want to let us sell it, that would be fine and dandy too!

My trip plans are finalized. And it's not South Carolina, it's North. I'm an idiot, that's all. Why this sudden trip, you ask? Well, when Andi and I ended our relationship I was kinda bummed, realizing I had nothing to look forward to. I was intended to go with them all to Missouri for Tim's graduation. I have no idea whether or not I still get an invite, but along with many other realizations, I decided...hey! Who needs them? Haha...no, not like that. But I can take a trip on my own! I was excited to go on a trip, so I planned one myself. I'm going to stay with Uncle Scott and Aunt Rachel for about five days. August 31st through September 4th. Rachel is thrilled!

It's weird how happy I am about life right now. Kelly and Andi are taking their time away from me, or whatever. Actually, I think I'm taking my time away from them. I miss watching movies and stuff, but once the initial shock wore off, and I was honest with myself, everything was okey dokey. Kelly is holding onto the drama for whatever reason, even though she knows FULL WELL why I panicked. Whether she decided to share that information or not, I have no idea. But the best part is...is I don't care.

For awhile there was this urgent need...a need to let them know why everything happened the way it did, and for them to get excited WITH me. My world got tipped over and I was dizzy, and shocked and confused as to why it had happened. I guess that wasn't allowed. I was supposed to be silent and perfectly okay to keep my distance and give up my every day routine for the sake of the comfort of those around me who were all going about life as if nothing had ever happened. Now when I get to the point where it feels like nothing bad happened and I'm actually OKAY...that's not all right either. It's exhausting! Geez Louise.

I'm pretty much fantastic now, and still look forward to when they're fantastic too. I guess I don't understand why Kelly isn't. She's got a pretty sweet deal. Pretty much nothing to worry about! But alas... it feels good not to have that urgency for contact. I've got better things to do! LIke now...Harry Potter night!

BYE!

Alas...it is me!