I have a dream. I have many. Why do I have to wake up each day? Dang it. Anyway. Caribou has been incredibly interesting as of late. To me anyway. Not to anyone who doesn't work there I'm sure. The drive-thru is closed for remodeling, and so I've gotten to work bar for 3 days. Wee! I've actually had a pretty awesome time. It's fun.

So anyway. A break in routine is always appreciated. The first day we closed the entire store, and some people were pretty mad. No one else was working but me. I got to sit outisde Caribou and hand out free coffee to potentially angry customers. Instead, they were so touched by the sentiment, that they gave me tip money. YES! Score!

I was on my phone a lot that day, and I actually ended up booking BJ's plane ticket over the phone with Kelly. YES! So he's officially coming. I'm very excited.

I leave for Mississippi tomorrow night with Jamie and the rest of the First Lutheran crew for the annual mission trip. I'm excited, and I'm not. I've never done anything like that before, so it should be interesting. I'm supposed to be in charge of people! Bah! We'll see how that goes. If they knew how nervous I was about all that, maybe they'd change their minds about letting me be in charge of stuff.

So I have to go to a meeting tonight at work about the new drive-thru. They scheduled it for tonight, because I "the drive-thru queen" have to be there. I think that's hilarious! I really do. It's supposed to be a motivational meeting. We'll see about that.

In other news, I don't really have any. The plane ticket aside (because that is not a part of this at all...that's a different account) I am having money issues. The check card I use for things takes forever to go through, apparently, so the money just hangs out in my account and confuses the crap outta me. And Curves is supposed to take things out the same time every month, but she never does, so I never know when it's leaving me... I never go there anyway. Bleck. Not only that, but I've had to pay for everything for Jamie's mission trip, and now he has no money for food. I want to pull my hair out. I have no money for me, let alone him. AND... Darla might be sick, and I made a deal with Kelly about how to pay for her vet visit, but this is why I didn't want the money to stay in my account, because I knew I'd have things I had to pay for, and when the time came I wouldn't have enough for Darla. If I knew maybe how much money I HAD in my account I could figure things out, but everything is nuts. I'm going crazy.

We're celebrating Father's Day early, and I can't get him anything. I missed Nikki's birthday, and I can't get her anything. I haven't gotten Haylie anything, and I can't. After the trip, I'll figure everything out. The money will build back up again like usual, and I'll breathe easy.

So now I'm at the library, I was going stir crazy. Sunnie and my mom had this huge argument about me needing a car today to do alst minute errands and so I would have a way to get to my meeting, so Sunnie made her friend come pick her up, kicking and screaming the whole time about it, and I didn't even know Sunnie was leaving me her car. My mom made her. I didn't know that was happening. So, she leaves the car and not the keys. Yeah...that works. My mom told me that I'm supposed to take my dad out for dinner tonight. Um...really? She told me that was my plan. Really? I didn't know that.

So I'm just a little...annoyed. I need to figure things out.

In other news, BJ got the job at Target! He seems to be really happy about it, which makes me really happy for him. I think it's a good move. And hey, it's Target! My favorite store in the whole wide world. That's gotta be a good thing.

Anyway, I better get going now. Time to rent my 50 cent movie (I took two quarters out of my/mom's tips) and go home. Bye!

Me

Today was...fun. To sum it up, I'm not scared of Anthony anymore. Frankly, his lack of ability to make a latte aside, he's a pretty nice guy. I have to back up.

I went to work this morning, feeling absolutely horrid. I kept coughing in the car, but I had nightmares all night about what would happen if I missed two days in a row. SO! I got there, waited for the "shiftie" and nobody showed. Dang it. So, I let myself in, checked the schedule, realized Elke had the day off, and Kate was the one who was supposed to open with me. Little hiccup...

A few days ago, Kate turned in her two weeks notice. Perfect! So, my guess? She woke up late, figured 'screw it, I'm quitting anyway' and fell back to sleep. Well, I had 15 minutes til open, and only half the work done, couldn't get ahold of Elke, which meant I had no access to cash drawers. I was so ill, and so mad, and so...tired. Tired of the whole thing! Finally, the phone rang, and there was Elke.

I pretty much started to cry as I told her "I can't do this today. I'm not okay. I'm gonna end up in the hospital!" Okay, maybe a little exaggerated, but at the time, I had to sit on the floor just so I could catch a breath.

I opened solo, and Lauren and Ashley got there not a moment too soon. They're my two new favorites. They're so amazing...anyway. I was in tears when they got there, I had been running around, and was coughing so disgustingly and gasping for air...I'm sure I freaked them out. Friday is our busiest day by far, and I just kept saying "I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do..." typically you have 5-7 people on in the morning. We had three. I couldn't do drive-thru, because I couldn't talk. We were all running around like c razy people, and I was about to collapse.

To sum things up, I survived. Elke got there, and about half an hour later the 6:30 people got there. Anthony was scheduled to come pass out coupons (because we're closing the drive-thru for a few days) but he ended up working behind the counter instead.

Elke was either trying to be really nice to me, or she didn't want to get in trouble for having someone as sick as myself actually working. SO! She had me in the back folding towels for about an hour. Anthony came back there, found out I was sick, and asked me if I was going home. I kind of gave him the "can I do that?" look, so he told me to just let Elke know. I told him I felt guilty for being paid to fold towels, and he said "Somebody's got to do it. It has to get done eventually. Sit back and relax, don't worry about it." -- hmmm...he likes me!

Even though Elke seems to like me, I'm still afraid of her. So, I worked my butt off for awhile, and had to keep running in the back for little coughing spasms. Anthony heard one and told me I should leave. I told him I didn't know how... so he went and told Elke that I was going home. I got ready to leave, and I said "I'm sorry" to Elke, and she said "You should have just come to me." So, she felt like she had gotten in trouble I guess. Argh. Oh, well. They need me.

So I went home at 9! Two whole hours early. YAY! I ate breakfast and watched cartoons with Jamie, and then I took a nap. It was glorious. Then i woke up, got the house to myself, watched a weird movie on IFC, and then Sarah called.

I got all the details about her new baby girl! It is my pleasure to announce the arrival of:

Haylie Marie Olson-Shafer, born Tuesday, June 7th at 11:37pm. She weighed 7lbs and 7oz, and was 20 inches long.

Sarah has told me I'm going to be a big part of Haylie's life, but we'll see. It's weird, really. It was strange to hear a baby whimper in the background, and hear Sarah say "Shh, mommy's got you." In my mind, we're still in 8th grade drooling over Leonardo DiCaprio and competing over who could see Titanic the most before it left the theaters. She's still the kid that made music videos with me on the roof, and she's the girl who camped out in the backyard with me. It really doesn't seem that long ago, and that's mostly because it wasn't. Everything changed so fast. I hope she'll be okay.

Anyway, not much else happened today. I got attacked by a lightsaber while on the phone with BJ, that was pleasant...I played sequence! It was me and Sunnie against Dad and Paul. Nobody beats my dad. Why do I even bother? I need a better partner. Te-he-he. No offense, Sunnie!

So that's about where I am now. Sunnie and Paul went to the new Cold Stone Creamery next door to the White Bear Township theater. I've only been to the one in TMOA and Riverdale. It's good stuff, it is indeed. (BJ-- Do they have Cold Stone Creamery in Alabama? Hmm...)

So...that's all for now. Tomorrow I have to close. I've never done that before! We'll see how that goes. Should be interesting. Bye!

Me!

Yucky. I hate sick days. True, you get to stay in bed all day, but it gets so boring! You have nothing better to do than realize just how crappy you really feel. It was a weird day.

Nobody called to harass me, so I guess that's a good thing. I still woke up at five, because I'm programmed. At first I thought I was late. I dozed off a few times, but couldn't really sleep. Then the weird stuff happened...

My mom kept calling my cell phone from the livingroom because she wanted me to come watch "The View". They were doing a segment on irregular periods. Okay, wake up your ill daughter for that why don't you? SO I went back to bed. Then, she brought me breakfast in bed at around 11:30. Uh...what? I must have been dreaming. But no! She brought me scrambled eggs, a cinnamon bagel from Panera (Which if you haven't experienced, you really should...) a bowl of sliced oranges, a glass of grape juice, and a tea pot, tea cup, and three types of tea to choose from. All I could do was blink. I was literally stunned. I wanted to get out my camera and document the occasion. It was like having my mom from 15 years ago make a brief comeback.

She disappeared a few hours later when she asked me t o clean out the refridgerator. Boring, loneely day really. But BJ just called! So...bye!

This should be short. I'm in bed with Sunnie's laptop. Why? I'm sick. I'm really sick, actually. I can't talk. I try, and people tell me to shut up. But in a good way...hehehe. I still went to work today. I hope I infected people. Hahaha.

I got home today and slept for awhile. After a not so fun conversation with my mom. She's like, asking me about certain plans I may or may not have for the future. She's questioning a future that might not even exist at the moment, but she's afraid it isn't good enough. BAH! Crazy woman. She wants me to start managing the family finances, so I'll be better prepared. What kind of sense does that make? I'm not going to go to an immediate family of five, so whatever. It will be totally different!

Oh, well. It was fun...not. So, I slept, and eveerything kept getting progressively worse. Now, I'm just really sick. Between Mom, Dad, and BJ...the three of them forbid me from going to work tomorrow. My dad is legitimately afraid that I'm working myself to death, because I always seem to be sick. Can't say it isn't true...I am sick a lot. It's the Caribou Death Plan. Only $65 out of every pay check! Hahaha. So, what did the parentals do?

After forbidding me from working, dad called and left a message on Elke's phone, and mom called Caribou and left a message with whoever w as in charge at the moment. Probably Karley. Should be interesting come tomorrow morning. I don't doubt that my phone will ring at 5:30am. Even BJ was offering to call. It's nice to be looked out for. I haven't slept in in over a month...I wonder if I know how... we'll find out!

I guess that's all for now. I'm supposed to be sleeping... dad just came home with two giant bottles of cough syrup. They must be tired of listening to me. Haha. Bye!

The one and only

Hey, I'm doing pretty good with this whole keeping up with the journal thing. Not that I really ever have anything interesting to say. It just makes me feel somewhat productive. So anyway. Today!

Caribou is a disease factory. No one can call in sick, so wejust keep trading illnesses. I'm happy to report I've got a brand new one this week! Wee! (BJ if you read this before I talk to you next, please promise not to make fun of me...) I sound absolutely ridiculous. Sunnie is having run retaliating. I made fun of her when she sounded like this about a week ago. Oh, well. I shall survive. Elke better not put me on drive-thru tomorrow! That would be silly. I was on it all day today, and I just kept getting worse. The customers were laughing at me.

After work I fell over on my bed and didn't get up. My mom actually told me to stay in bed and rest. I was shocked! I drifted in and out as my mom yelled things down the stairs to Sunnie over and over again. She does that at all hours! I think I napped for about an hour total.

Sunnie had gone to the grocery store and bought us each something to eat with mom's money (bwa-ha-ha) since there's nothing in the house! Sunnie always does that when mom sends her to the store. She gives her a blank check, and Sunnie throws a few extra things in and conveniently loses the receipt. She's so funny!

After we ate we watched Oprah, and then we talked for awhile. That's rare, so it was nice. She finally came out and told me that it's been bothering her that I've been seeing a little more of Lurae then I was before. But there is a history there, as strained and awkward as it may be. Truth of the matter is, is that you can't have Nikki without Lurae. Not only that, but beggars can't be choosers. I don't see many people, so I appreciate those I do see. They all really like me, so I guess it can't be ALL bad...hehehe.

After that, Sunnie said she was bored, and just like every other time she's ever said that, I suggested a movie. She actually agreed! We went to go see "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants". I just KNEW she'd like it, and I've been trying to convince her of it forever. She really DID like it, and I was victorious. We came home, and here I am.

I was rummaging around in my bottom dresser drawer, the *junk* drawer, and I found the lyrics to the two songs I've written...I'm sure there have been more, but these ones actually had a memorable melody. This one called "What Makes Me", I wrote and played for this one girl, and she said it was the most personal song she had ever heard, and wanted my permission to perform it. It didn't really happen, but I was flattered nonetheless. So here are the lyrics:

Without what makes me me, I am nothing. Without what makes me live, I am dead. Without what makes me soar I am falling, without what makes me light, I am lead.

You are what makes me laugh and I am smiling. You are what gives me hope, now I can try. You are what I believe in, no more crying. You are what gives me strength, now I can fly.

Flying, no longer falling. If I'm falling it's into your arms. Laughing, no longer crying. If I'm crying it's tears of joy.

Without what makes me me, I am nothing.

And I was actually pretty proud of the melody, and the piano part I wrote. I recorded it once...I wonder what happened to that tape. Huh. Anyway! I'm squeaky and exhausted, so I'm gonna go now. But first! I have to find another job. Caribou corporate has decided our store must open earlier. We already open the earliest! I'd have to wake up at 3:30 every day...help me.

Bye!

Curse sunburns. They make me sick. Literally. Made work Hell. I almost fell over a few times. Partly because I kept tripping over the stress mats, but partly because I was just...icky. It was a fun day. I couldn't wait to get home.

So when I got off work, I had to go pick up that cake from my Grandma. I brought it home, and my mom took one look at me and was actually compassionate. "Oh, no! What's wrong with you?" I told her about my sunburn and how it made me ill, and how I just wanted to lay down. I was a little confused when she agreed. When I woke up around 2:30, I realized that she had left me a chore list. Thank goodness! I thought the world was coming to an end. So what did I have to do? Agh...

So. If you've ever been to the Killmer household, we've most likely avoided showing you our f ront closet at all costs. Why? Because it's SCARY. My mom is a shoe fanatic, and a jacket/coat fiend, and no oone else is allowed to have anything in there. But when we leave shoes in the entryway, they just get tosssed in. Pretty soon we have a chest deep mountain of crap.

I was instructed to clean that out today, removing any and all shoes that were not my mother's. That's not fair! We wear shoes too! So we all have to keep our shoes and coats in our rooms, so my mom can have yet another closet to herself. (She kicked my dad out of the one in their room, he has to keep all his stuff in the laundry room. She has the spare closet in Jamie's room, and the front closet is all hers as well.)

The closet is perfect now, thank you. And the laundry is done. I cleaned out my room too! I re-organized my CDs which I've only needed to do for about the past year and a half.

After all my busy work I made dinner, and that's about it. A boring day, really. Now Kris is showing me pictures from when I was in Alabama, so I'm gonna go enjoy those and maybe write more later. Bye!

Me

I was determined to have a good day today. I think I did a pretty good job! Got up early and woke Jamie up. He was only moderately crabby. I made a tiny little breakfast of english muffins and the bottom of a box of raisin bran, and about 1/4 inch of milk in the bottom of the gallon. Wee! There's NO food here! Then we went to church to begin a long day of the car wash fundraiser. Got there by 8am, and had to attend the traditional service...*yawn* I just can't...I find it so hard to focus in there. Just not my cup of tea. So anyway. After that the washing began! I was still exhausted from the week, so I tried...but I always get stuck with the "Ditzy Chicks" they're so annoying!!!

My group of girls a nd myself were at a washing station (There's the money station, pre-rinse, 2 scrubbing stations, post-rinse, and drying) We were washing station #1, and they kept giggling, fighting over who got to wash the butt. We then rotated to the towel dry station, and then we got to go stand on Hwy 61 and hold up car wash signs.

One of the kids f rom another group approached me. (He's 17) and asked me if I would go buy him a pack of cigarettes from the gas station next to the church. I am required to report such behavior to Perry, which I hate...but I had to do. So, needless to say I lost my "Coolest youngest leader" reputation with about a dozen teenage boys. Oh, well!

so, the car wash ended a round 1:30, and then I went home. Got yelled at for somethinig...I wasn't r eally listening. Then I went and took a nap. Then I went to Grammy's! I realized I hadn't eaten in...well, my measly breakfast crumbs aside, I hadn't eaten anything real in about 2 days. So Grammy invited me over for "treats".

We had the best conversation! For once she wasn't defending mom, together we were trying t o come up with ways to live with her and try to understand what goes on inside her head. She told me it feels like she's living with an alcoholic again. She said she's tired of people bringing her down and making her feel bad for everything. She's tired of feeling guilty and making excuses. She's tired of someone insisting she's the victim, and honestly believing that we're always attacking her. Usually Grandma defends my mom to no end, but this time she was just grateful to have me to vent to.

I then shared stories she had never heard, and she was like "How do you survive? You've got it worse than anyone." I told her that I had to laugh about it, or I'd think I was going crazy. It really made me feel less alone.

She told me this one story that almost made my jaw drop off completely. One time my mom called her, and she answered the phone differently, like she was tired or something, so my mom goes "What's wrong? I was in a good mood before, but now you brought me right down when you answer the phone that way." Grandma tried to explain, but inistead mom said "I don't feel like being on the phone right now". and hung up!!!!

Oh goodness. Funny funny. Anyway. Then I was fed! Happy tummy. We watched "Somewhere in Time" which I had never seen, but had heard a lot about it from quite a few people. Then we watched the first half of the Tony Awards (My pal Hugh Jackman was hosting. We go way back) and then I went home. I walked in the door and got crabbed at for not bringing home the chocolate cake Grammy made for us. I'm picking it up tomorrow after work, because the frosting hadn't been made yet. Mom's response? "Now it won't be fresh. Thanks for thinking of your family, Corrie. You could have waited a little while longer. You know I'm really finicky about that kind of stuff. You might as well not pick it up at all."

BAH. Grandma is allergic to chocolate, and she made a triple chocolate cake for us, made with cocoa, chocolate pudding mix, and chocolate chips. Yeah right I won't pick it up! The woman is a saint. She tortures herself. It will be one day old for gosh sake.

So now here I am listening to "Misery" but only because it j ust popped up on my playlist. I love that song. "Misery is what I feel, when you're not around, so I can't heal...the tears on my face are there for you. I wish that I could hold you, touch you, feel you. My heart is bleeding can't you see? I wish that you could hold me, touch me, feel me. When I touch you can you feel it? When I need you, can you give it? When I look in your eyes, can you see me? When I fall fall, will you catch me?" That song made so much happen back in the day! Word.

Ooh, remember the misery moment from the TMOA concert? "Ooh! Look! Jeff took Angel, and look! Scott is glaring. GLARING! Clint says, oh what's wrong? Well, take a look buddy...huh? Wha---oh! WOW!' To most people I'm speaking a foreign language right now. But not to those select few. Bwa-ha-ha! That moment was magic. That whole thing was magic! It felt like I planned it, but I didn't! Anyway...

Kelly just told me she got her job back at Andy's Place! WEE! AND she has a place to live and most likely a car. She's got a plan to start with, and she'll go far. Drama director with me, yippee! Then I can leave it in her hands when I run away...er...leave.

So I think I'm gonna go watch something and get sleepy. I feel good about today...except the sun burned part, that I noticed abouot 2 hours ago. Ick... Well, that's all for now!

TTFN! Ta-ta for now! Unless you're the select few, and then it means something totally different.

Oh! New song popped up! Written and originally sung by John Denver, but wonderfully covered on AI by none other than RJ Helton. One of the best songs ever written! Observe:

You fill up my senses, like a night in the forest, like the mountains in spring time, like a walk in the rain , like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean, you fill up my senses come fill me again.

Come let me love you, let me give my life to you. Let me drown in your laughter let me die in your arms. Let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you. You fill up my senses, come fill me again.

Just thought I'd share! I'm going now...I swear.

C'est moi!

Automatic lie. Nobody REALLY wants to hear the truth when they ask "How are you?" They expect the generic "Good, Fine, Okay, Not bad..." etc. etc. It's an automatic lie. Even if life is terrible, you respond with one of those cookie cutter answers, because honesty is not an option in casual conversation. If it is, chances are it's an unwanted option for the party inquiring after your surface well being. It's a harmless lie really, but sometimes you wish you could throw caution to the wind and tell everyone what's really on your mind. If only you could know without a doubt that they really wanted to hear it.

Oh, well! That's what a journal is for, right? I'm just annoyed with myself today, I think that's all it is. It was a normal day, I don't know why I'm boo-hooing about it.

I worked 5:30-11. It went by really fast. Everyone was making me laugh. Drive-thru was its typical self, but all went well. No disasters. I got to take a turkey sandwich and pasta salad home from the case, but I forgot it in the back fridge. (dang it) After work I went quick to McDonald's across the street to get Megan a double cheeseburger. She was thrilled.

After that, I went home. Mom was still sleeping, but Jamie was up. I had brought him a cooler, so that put him in an appreciative and amiable mood. So, I decided to take advantage of it. He had to go to the Tearoom to tell them the real dates for the Missions Trip. I had to go to Wal-Mart to get a movie poster frame for the Phantom poster BJ bought for me. (Gotta love him!)

So we did that, and then I spent the rest of the money I had to put more gas in mom's car. I just did it two days ago, but she drove everywhere and it was back to empty. Last time she did that with all my gas money, I decided to leave the car as was, and that was a mistake. I never heard the end of my "selfishness" blah blah blah, and how fortunate yet again I was to have a mother like her. So this time I figured I'd start Saturday out right, put mom in a good mood, and put money in the car so she could drive around and waste it all. Yay. Apparently I can do no right.

I got home, and got screamed at for taking the car. I told her i went to go put gas in it, and that wasn't okay. I can't win! I said "You would have been upset if I brought the car home empty." and she said "That's for me to decide! You have to ask!" AHHHHH! She was sleeping!

Yesterday she had told me to work on the laundry, but not to wash any of her stuff. So I did. I ran out of stuff to wash that wasn't hers, so heaven forbid...I did my OWN laundry. (I had no clothes left, it only made sense.) Well, apparently that wasn't okay either.

I was on the phone with BJ at the time. Had she known, she probably would have left me alone. HOWEVER...that was not an option. So she decided to pick the argument about the car over again, and then said "I just went downstairs and folded a ll of your clothes. I'm so disappointed. I told you to fold the laundry and bring it up." Well, I did I told her. And then I did more laundry. But she says "I told you not to touch any of my things, and you went and put my things in the dryer anyway..." No I didn't!!!!! She crabbed at me forever, and I could feel my spirit getting crushed. YOu just feel...deflated. She lives in her fantasy world, where if you exist, you only exist as the villain.

So anyway. Mom and dad went counter top shopping. I watched "Celeste In The City" on abc family, and then I talked to BJ a little more. Sometime after that, I fell asleep. Naps are kind of life saving. My mom leaves me alone when I'm sleeping. Mostly because she forgets I'm there. I was just exhausted. I think this 5 am every single say is getting to me. (duh)

So, when my mom is pretending I don't exist, I can tolerate it. Granted I hate being "the girl upstairs" but hey. It's better than being the target of verbal...crap. She only talks to me when it's negative, or she needs me to do something for her. Oh, well. So, physical and emotional exhaustion set in. She's been on my back ever since I got back from Alabama. It almost seems right. You have a good couple a days, and then there's a backlash. Happy? You were HAPPY? No, no, no. It's like... bait. A smile is like a red flag. ATTACK! Go Penny go! I'm exaggerating. I know. Maybe...

So, I was tired. I fell asleep and woke up a little after 11pm. WHOA! Which explains why I'm still awake. I probably will be for awhile. I got up though, and everyone had eaten Taco Bell. I was moderately excited, because I hadn't eaten in forever because there is NO non-mom only food in this house. So I asked if there was any for me. My mom glares at me and says "No. YOu were asleep." So I said "Oh." That's all I said! But she went off on me! "You were asleep! What did you expect? If we would have woken you up you would have been mean and crabby to everyone." I tried to respond, but it was a lost cause. So then she said "Besides. A few days ago you got KFC and didn't give me any. Now you know how I feel. It feels terrible doesn't it? When you feel like no one thinks about you? Now you know. I told you I wouldn't let that slide." Well, true...i bought Sunnie and I some lunch and we brought it home. My mom was on her way out when she saw the bag in my hand. She asked if we would split it with her. I said we only got enough for two because she wasn't home when we left. She threw a fit and was like "Fine. I see how it is! I would never do that to you. You're so selfish. You only think about yourself." Well, we got sandwiches! We were each supposed to give her half? That's not cool... but she wouldn't speak to me for awhile after that.

So back to Taco Bell, after she brought up KFC from 2 WEEKS AGO, my dad, to pacify my mom and make her feel like that was a legitimate argument turns to me and says "Ooh! Payback sucks, doesn't it?" Victory for mom! YOu could tell by the smirk on her face. I shut up and left the room. Oh wait, I had shut up a long time ago. She was having the argument with herself, that's right. All I did was ask if there was any Taco Bell left. Darn me and my evil ways. I deserve to be shot.

So yet another reason why my eating habits suck. I must admit...I really wish I hadn't forgotten that sandwich and the salad in the Caribou fridge. *sniffles* I'm really hungry. I was going to eat a candy bar from the concession stand in my theater, but...I knew I'd make myself ill if that was all I had in my stomach. Maybe I'll go eat an egg. Bleck...I don't want an egg. Argh.

So, enough whining about mommy dearest. I really should apologize. I don't like being the whiner. The one with all the problems. The girl everyone feels sorry for. I know how to prevent a lot of these situations, I just...don't. I could try to be the perfect child, but for my mom, I really don't think that child exists.

So, a few tears later I got over it. I feel like I'm going nuts. Why do I stay here? People ask me why I want to leave and I can't put it into words. One time, I cracked myself up when I responded. "I don't know. Why would anyone want to get out of Hell? It's toasty."

So anyway... I'm sorry I sound so bitter sometimes. I have a lot to be thankful for. My mother is just ever-present, and the stuff I'm thankful for isn't. It's hard to see the sunshine when someone keeps punching you in the eye...hahaha. That's funny. I'm hilarious. I'm going to end this now before I never stop.

Later!

Me

Word. Yeah. Let's see. I'm in a weird mood. I was almost really upset, but I got over it. I can't let her upset me anymore. And by her I mean mom. Let me go back.

I worked open to 11 today as usual. Anthony was there taking notes and critiques again. YAY! Jola was working drive-thru though, because Elke wants me to train people to be just like me. Isn't that hilarious?? So, I was training her to be a drive-thru queen like myself, but she was so nervous, because Anthony was standing right next to her, doing a service audit on her performance. Poor thing. First time on the morning rush drive-thru too. I felt bad.

I was in a pretty good mood, except my pants kept sliding down, bringin my underwear with them. I know you all wanted to know that... but once the pants went, my shirt would come un-tucked, and that's a big no-no! People kept poking me in the back everytime my short went loose to remind me that Anthony wasn't far away, and I could get in trouble. Geez... I don't really have any pants that fit anymore. Oh, well. I could have worse problems.

I got off at 11, and went to go work out. Then I went home, showered, and mom cornered in my room because she needed to "talk" to someone. Dang it, why does that someone always have to be me?? Oh, well. So! She had lunch with my Grammy yesterday, and they had a big fight. She told me her version of it. She told her how she gets frustrated that she has to repeat herself so often. (My grammy is hard of hearing. DUH!) And my mom said she doesn't like talking on the phone, and neither do the girls (us) and so none of us really want to talk on the phone with her, because she's too long winded. THat's terrible! She was so upset. She told her that's it's hard for us to talk to her. Not true!

Grammy told my mom that all she does is talk about herself anyway, and my mom got all defensive. (Too bad grandma was right!)They make plans and my mom almost always cancels, and my Grandma is just starting to feel unloved and forgotten, and you can't really blame her. Since Kelly lives in CT, I'm the only one who goes and visits her at home. She doesn't go out as much as she used to, so you have to go to her. She goes out with Ruth, and sometimes her other friends, but when she has downtime she really gets lonely, and that's when the family that lives less than a mile away is supposed to come into play. I'm just so disappointed in my family sometimes.

In all fairness Sunnie has gotten better about going to see her, but it really can't be enough. If anything I've gotten worse with my wacky schedule. Sunnie said it herself. "All you do is work and sleep." It's the truth...which is why my wardrobe consists of little else than a Caribou uniform and pajamas.

So anyway, after giving me her high and mighty speech about how right she was, and how she put Grandma in her place, she told me how she understands her, because "When I was really sick, everyone else's lives went on, and I felt so forgotten. You all would be talking and laughing and I'd have to beg for attention." AHHH! I was so upset! She was basically saying we were all carefree and getting along without her, and how she would go from room to room and we'd ignore her. I almost threw things at her head just then. She started to cry, and say "I was so scared, and so alone, and nobody cared." OH MY GOSH!!!!

I was ill. I almost threw up. I was so...argh. Mom and dad seriously are in denial. They've erased that entire time frame from their memory. They have no idea what they're talking about when they 'look back'. It's all a bunch of crap! It infuriates me. And Kelly. She and I have vented to each other many a time. AHHHH. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode.

So, she was crying to herself and feeling sorry for herself about how she almost died and nobody cared, so I decided to go for a walk and listen to angry music.

"Just one more look and I'm gonna explode, I'm gonna self combust, I'm gonna blow up the world. Just one more word and you'll cross the line, I mean over the edge you're on thin black ice. Ooh, there's a little bit of psycho in me I confess, why'd you want to pick on me and not the rest? Does it make you feel big? Does it make you feel better? So tell me how's the weather..."

Yep. I felt better after that. We went through so so much, and we all survived. Not just her. We all almost died. Not just her. Some day she'll be able to see past herself, but I hope it won't be the day after never. Because I'm getting really....tired.

I'm always tired. She doesn't help. I need to get away, I really really do. But like I told BJ, I need options. I don't have any right now. Give me an option and I'll jump on it and not look back. I have a pretty good feel for what's right for me, and everything right now is pretty right, except for that little thing I call home. It isn't anymore, and that's un-good. I haven't found home yet, I haven't found that...peace. But I will. And soon. It's just beyond my reach...for now.

So, I walked to Lurae's garage sale, and chatted a bit, then I walked back to the library, and here I am. Perfectly content in being uncontent. Does that make sense? Ah, yes. The library makes it all better. Hehehe.

So what to do now? I think I'll go visit my Grammy dear. BJ has a job interview today, and I'm really excited for him. If he wants it, I want it...and if it happens, then it was meant to happen. I hope all goes well. I'm sure I'll hear about it tonight.

So... time for me to take my leave. My shoulders hurt from all the tension I built up...there's this large mysterious dark red mark on my shoulder, that looks like a cut or a scrape, except that it isn't. It's like... a red bruise or something, and it just appeared today! It's smooth and kind of...perfect, but it frightens me. I don't know what it is! It almost looks like I drew something on myself. Except that I didn't. (I tried scrubbing it off, so I know it isn't ink...or grape juice...or something else like that...)

Anyway...enough rambling! Bye bye, I'm really going now! (hehe!)

Bye!

Me

I am so excited for July! I get a smoothie maker from the bank. Yup. That's the only reason I'm excited. Nothing else comes to mind. "That boy" might make an appearance. Hmmm... Yeah right! I'm so excited for BJ to come up here. It will be awesome. Should be grand...

In other news, Elke told me I'm going to be a shift supervisor. Not asked, told. Oh, well. We'll see.

So I worked, I napped, and then I went to the movies. I saw "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants". It was so good! I cried through most of it. It made me sad on multiple levels. I just wish I had friends like that. Times like that. Families like that. Oh well. What I've got now ain't so bad. Some things are pretty danged good if you ask me. Other things...eh, well. They're only temporary. At least that's the attitude I'm going to attempt to adopt.

So I have nothing really interesting to say, except...to reply to your comment, BJ... I d on't think you want to know about this dream. Mayhaps it would be better left unsaid...er...unshared. Indeed. Well, I love you! And I will...do more of that writing thang later.

Peace.

At the library again. I love the library. However... there are people behind me waiting for the internet and I almost feel guilty. Oh, well. I won't take the entire 60 minutes. I just have to take a moment to document my incredibly exciting life... what the fidget? You mean I haven't got one? Oh, that's too bad.

I worked this morning my usual shift on drive-thru. We were very short handed, and I went a little crazy. I worked with Kenny for the first time in a long time, and we had fun with our sarcastic banner. He's a brat. It's enjoyable.

After work I went home and took a nap for about...mmm... four hours. I was so tired. Not lack of sleep tired, but exhaustion tired. Indeed. Then I woke up, got dressed, and decided to take a walk to the library. However, my mother trapped me with an urgent plea.

"Please Corrie! I need your help desperately. We may have over drawn at the bank. I need you to write me a check for $40.00, you'll get it all back, I promise you."

What the crap? So she's standing there...telling me to give her money. First it was 20, then it went up to 40. I couldn't say no without her making my life a living hell for awhile. So, I gave her the check. Believe me, I will get that money back if it kills me... although...she'll probably pull a "You owe me that much in back rent" and refuse to pay me back. Well, I'm keeping my tips, it's as simple as that!

So, then I walked to the library. I can't stop thinking about this dream I had. It's... so real. A little advanced as far as the time frame goes, but...it feels like it really happened. It's altered me a bit, and it's in my head. Oh, well. I'll get over it.

In other news, these people staring me down are really getting on my nerves. I guess I'd better go now... la di da. Write more pointless updates soon I'm sure! As far as enjoyable things go, I've got nothing "better" to do.

C-ya!

C'est moi!

Nothing much to report. I just felt like typing. Not really sure why. Is my brain trying to tell me to write? Hmmm... work on Downside? Is that what you're trying to tell me to do? Well, BJ...here's a promise. When you're here in July, I will finish Downside. YOU will help me do it. You have your ways. :) Anyway...

So I worked today. Memorial Day. It was slow...at first. Elke was late, I opened alone. Oh, well. Then I went to Lurae's, and we watched POTO. Then Nikki and Alex came over. We all went out to eat at the Spaghetti Factory. Now I'm home...

BJ talked to Lurae for awhile today. She thought he sounded fun. That's always good! I'm glad he's getting t o know a few of the people he's going to meet in July. That's a plus. I'm really excited about all of it. It will be a good thinig.

Anyway, work early early, and my head is tired. I shall let it rest for awhile. Good night all. (I love you, BJ!) I'll talk to you soon.

Me!

I have nothing interesting to write about, without repeating myself. My mom hates me, but I just have to let that roll away. She's nuts. I can handle it though. I think... Anyway.

Curse me and my realistic dreams! I keep thinking I'm places that I'm not, and it's really beginning to annoy me. I hate waking up, almost as much as I hate going to sleep. Sleep means saying goodbye to a certain somebody when the conversation seems impossible to end. Waking up means saying goodbye to a really good, very realistic dream. Argh.

So anyway. Today is Sunday, my one day off. Back to work early early tomorrow. Routine...BORING. But not for long! If all goes according to plan, this will be the best summer ever. Why? I actually have PLANS!!! June: I go on a Missions Trip to Mississippi. That's only about 2 weeks away. Wow! July: BJ COMES TO VISIT!! I hope, I hope. We're going to od so many awesome things. We're going to Sonshine, the drive-in movie, Valley Fair, TMOA, maybe hiking up north with Dad, lighthouse tour, and I have to come up with something fabulous for his birthday...which he plans to be here for. I want him to have a wonderful birthday. In August, Joey and Melissa are coming to stay with us for a bit. YAY! Vacation time! So I just take one week off a month, and all is well. I think July will be my favorite month...

In other news, I don't have any... at least not at the moment. So I will say goodbye for now, and go take that shower I've been needing. Woo! So ok then.

TTFN!

Me!

So, this will be short and sweet. Well, at least it will be short. Worked with Anthony, he sucks. I had to teach him how to do my job. STUPID! He's the one who tells us how bad we are, well! Ahem... a car blew up in front of the store. And I mean...flames and smoke (visible from Hugo I'm told) it was scary.

Adam showed up thinking he still worked there. Anthony told him otherwise. I was sad. Elke got there at 11 and had to lecture someone behind closed doors. She asked me to stick around because she needed to talk to me too. I was terrified. I had my "I do so much here i quit!' speech all planned out. She brings me into the back room all serious like, and then grins and jumps up and down and tells me I'm getting a dollar raise. I was like...huh?!?!? WHOA! I asked why, and she said because I'm amazing, I go above and beyond, and they'd basically be lost without me. YEAH! I knew that. So pretty much, I'm her new favorite. You're not supposed to get a raise unless you're a supervisor. Well then! Bwa-ha-ha!

So... they don't want to lose me. She and I had a heart to heart the other day about how Corporate doesn't know what they're t alking about in regards to our store, and that they don't pay me enough to do all the crap I have to put up with. Sounded like a pre-I quit speech, so she gives me a raise. Makes sense to me! BWA-ha-ha!

In other news, lunch with Nikki and Lurae went well. They enjoyed my "fairy tale" as they put it. They're both very excited to meet BJ and want to do lots of fun stuff while he's here. Which is good, because they know how to drive to all the cool places. Bwa-ha-ha!

So that's it for today. I'm screwed, because I fell asleep at 4 and woke up at nine... geez. I bet I can still fall asleep though. I'm exhaustipated. Later!

Me

WOw, it has been a little while since I last wrote in here. Why? Because I was afraid I would say something incriminating that might lead to BJ discovering my plot. Yes, my plot. This past weekend (May 20th-23rd) I flew down to Alabama to surprise BJ when he got home from France. I conspired with Kris who set the whole thing up...not only that, he wouldn't leave me alone until I agreed to go. Not that I didn't want to...I was terrified.

Now I feel dumb for being so scared. But it makes sense. I had never really met him, and he had come to mean so much to me, I was afraid of discovering that it was all an illusion. I was afraid we couldn't love each other in person, and that was just silly. I should have had more faith in what we already had. It wasn't superficial, and it wasn't just a fluffy "oooh, I think you're groovy" kind of thing. I...well, I fell in love with him. But I was somewhat logically afraid that I hadn't fallen in love with the real person. But...I did.

So after flight delays and cancellations, I made it into Alabama only 6 hours later than anticipated. Kris, his mom, and his little brother picked me up at the airport, and we then began the 2+ hour drive back to Montgomery. The long drive did little for my nerves, but I survived.

To make a long story short, the meeting was awkward because I didn't really get to talk to him. Everyone was snapping pictures and posing with us like we were celebrities. It was kinda fun, but...weird. I didn't quite know what to think. Everyone wanted to give me a hug, and I was thrown so many names that my head was spinning.

Everyone was so nice, and I oddly felt like I had met them all before. They were so accepting, and I didn't feel out of place at all. BJ couldn't really look at me, because he was kind of in shock. Can't blame the guy, really. I'm stunning. KIDDING! Kidding, kidding. Anyway...

Later that night we went to Kris's and watched Smallville, and I was dead tired. Then we went back to BJ's and Kris and their pal Nicole spent the night. I fell asleep. I went to bed in Lauren's room with her, but they had neglected to tell me that she talks in her sleep. Talks with her eyes open while looking at you, but really? She's asleep. Scared the crap out of me. She stopped making noise roughly around 6am. By then I was too tired to sleep.

On Saturday Nicole, BJ and I went around and did a few things. (Kris had gone home early after eating an expired pie, after being told not to. He got a little...ill. DUH! Poor guy...) We went to drop off a birthday present for a friend of his, and then we went to see Star Wars. (YAY!) Shortly after that, I met some more family members, then Kris (who had recovered) BJ and I went to BJ's borther Jake's friend's house to play Halo. Well, I went to watch and be a cheerleader. Cheering I did not much of, because I was falling asleep. I refused to play, and I almost feel bad about it. I didn't feel like making a fool out of myself.

After that the three of us went back to BJ's, and watched the video he made while he was in Paris. Kris stayed til 2am something, and then we went to sleep in our designated rooms. (Lauren was at a friend's thank goodness. I got a little sleep in.)

On Sunday, BJ and I finally got to spend some time together, just the two of us. I talked with his parents for a bit and exchanged miracle stories. I really adore his parents. They accepted me with open arms, and it was amazing. They're incredible people.

We spent the day on the couch, watching Phantom of the Opera and just enjoying each other's company. We just got to...be together. It was good. At around 5pm I finally got out of my pajamas and took a shower. We then went to his grandparent's house to visit. They were so sweet! I just loved them.

After that, we went and had dinner with his parents, his aunt, and his cousin. Then we all sat out on the porch and talked. Then...we sat around a bit before falling asleep on the couch. Then we went to our rooms and went to sleep, dreading the next day.

I woke up early and packed up, and BJ's mom Debra came in the room to give me a hug good-bye. After that I went back and forth between laying on the couch and re-organizing everything I had packed. I picked over things again and again trying to decide whether or not to wake BJ up. I knew we were expected at his other Grandmother's house at around 9:30am, so I waited until nine before quietly opening his door. I used the excuse that there were things in there I needed to pack (which there were) but really I wanted him to hurry and wake up so we could use the time we had.

I was really quiet and sorta melancholy. I was trying not to be, but I couldn't help it. I was sad. To realize that we did love each other in person, and have it be over so quick...just to go back to phone conversations and little else, it was a scary thing to face.

So, we went to his Nana's and I met his father. She was so sweet, too. I just loved her. His father and his Nana decided to take us out to a pizza buffet. After that, it was time to drive the two hours back to the airport.

I barely said anything the whole way. I was bittersweetly content in just listening to him sing along with the radio. I didn't want to say goodbye. It didn't seem fair.

The inevitable had to happen though, and I was successful in my attempt not to cry in front of him. He held me and I didn't want him to let go. I didn't cry until I was inside the airport, and then I just couldn't stop. It took me quite awhile, and I was so grateful I had held it back from him, after I saw my mascara smudged face in the bathroom mirror. I looked like I was auditioning for a Zombie movie.

My flight back was delayed so I made some phone calls and filled people in on a few details. I made it back to MN, and I wanted to back to AL. Oh, well.

So, girlfriend. That word has never been connected to my name seriously before. I've been quite successful in getting other people together, but now it's my turn. I'm really happy. I'll keep the details to myself, but it was a wonderful weekend. I'm pretty sure I'm more in love with him now. Yup... and I miss him. It was too short. But if things are meant to be in the future, then I know I can handle it. I'm positive.

So anyway, yeah. I have a boyfriend, and I love him, and I'm happy, and that's that. (He's coming to visit in July!) I guess that's a pretty nice update for this journal. For once I don't have to leave my "story" to go back to reality, because this time, my story is reality, and reality's not so bad. So, that's that...

In other news... Caribou appreciates me, but I don't appreciate Caribou. They still don't get it, but oh well. It's gotten to a "I have other options quite possibly, so I could care less" kind of thing. Pretty sure Adam is fired. Sad...I will miss him. I have to open with the district manager tomorrow, because Elke had a nervous breakdown. I'm so scared...he terrifies me. Although...he looks exactly like my uncle Danny if you crossed him with an italian mob boss. Interesting... so! Anthony scares me, but I'll survive.

After work I'm having lunch with Nikki and Lurae to fill them in on my "life" yeah right...they just want to hear all the details. Fun stuff...so! I shall write more soon, not that my life might be a tad bit interesting. Later taters!

Me!

The sickness doth cling, it does indeed. I sound a little less like a man. More like a teenage boy going through puberty. Very busy day at Caribou today. I feel like I fought a war. We got new blenders though, and they look very tomorrow landish...very "To Infinity and Beyond!" Buzz Lightyear style. They're kinda fun. I felt all high tech and important. Everyone was telling me how amazing I am, because I was everybody's glue...and I didn't fall over dead. I'd have to agree. I'm pretty amazing. HAH! Whatever.

So, then something fun happened when I was 45 minutes away from being done. I just told Kelly about it, so I will share that conversation in here:

KELLY: what's going on?

CORRIE: nothing out of the ordinary

KELLY: Slamming door and flying accusations, yeah

Corrie: see? Normalness

KELLY: yeah, which sucks

CORRIE: indeed I'm just rather...livid. I got off work at one today
PlanSeeDrama: but mom called me at Caribou freaking out, saying that Sunnie was very ill and she needed the carr immediately, wanted me to leave work 45 minutes early, and I ...well, I couldn't I was like "Sunnie has a car..." I was confused. so she hung up on me. so I race to get all my stuff done, panicking...basically ignoring the stuff Elke was telling me to do, shouting "Family emergency! I have to go!" so, I got home, sped might I add... and mom is sitting in her room, counting my tip money, and was like "Oh, you're home. I was panting, and I'm like...is Sunnie okay? "Yeah, she'll be home in about an hour and a half. She just has bad cramps and wanted me to bring her liquid tylenol. They don't sell it at Festival." I was sooooooo mad

KELLY: what the crap?

CORRIE she screams at me about an emergency, HANGS up on me, and then... she takes the car to go shopping

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and slammed the door on the way out like I had done something terrible "My life cannot be focused around you and your working schedule!" good grief

KELLY: I was just gonna say that

CORRIE yeah

So that's my day so far. Fascinating, I know. Now I'm housebound and all alone, and I'm gonna take full advantage of it. I'm gonna...clean the basement! YES! Word. Awesomeness. Catch ya'll later!

Me

Sunnie's computer is ridiculous. It likes to throw in extra letters and spaces whenever it feels like it. I come across looking like a complete idiot! Oh, well. That's what I get for not proof reading before posting things. It's super...annoying. Anyway! What has happened since yesterday? Nothing extraordinary.

I worked at 5 this morning, and went home at 7. YES! We were over staffed, and i volunteered to leave. I was ill, and they were making fun of my manly voice. Well...fine. I worked two hours and went back to bed. Then I woke up, made myself eggs and toast, and got a lecture f rom my mother for not thinking of her.

It's moments like that that make me dread mother's day. She's buildinig it up so much, about how she's expecting t his huge meal, and she refuses to lift a finger. Which basically means she gets t o pick a d ay in which she doesn't have to feel guilty for laying a round doing nothing while ordering us about. Oh, well. It's what we're all used to.

So then after breakfast, I went BACK to Caribou to pick Megan up because she didn't have a ride to Century. I dropped her off and went back home. Then guess what I did? I went back to sleep. HAHAHA! Then I woke up, read and dozed...then I went to the movies. Makes sense. Deathly ill, why stay at home? GO TO THE THEATER! Duh...

I went to go see "Kingdom Of Heaven". It was better than I expected. I was afraid it would be a plotless peice of crap like 'King Arthur'. I don't know why I hated that movie so much, I just did. ANYWAY...it was good. Orlando was good. And good looking!

Speakinig of Orlando Bloom, Jessi comes home on Sunday, and then leaves for her next adventure the 23rd. That gives us a very tiny window indeed to catch up. And BOY do we have a lot to catch up on! I work all week, so...we'll see what we see.

I wonder when Nikki gets home? I wonder if I'm going to be able to fill her in on all she's missed before...before. Yup. Sooo...

So aftere the movie today, I came home...and ate some soup while watching the finale of Hope and Faith. I've seen that show three times now. It's so over the top, but it makes me laugh. Then I started watching something with my mom, I dozed off, and then I came online to check my e-mail and decided to ramble. Sunnie's late...she got off at 10. Hope she isn't dead. UNLESS Paul is home...huh. Nevermind then. I'll see her on Monday.

So I guess I will go to bed then. Nothing better to do. Write more when something interesting happens! If it happens...we shall see.

Word.

I'm sick. I'm really sick. I sound like a man. I look like a member of the Adamms Family. I'm mpale with h stringy hair, and horrible dark circles under my eyes. I got sick yesterday...in an instant. I was almsot fine, and then I really wasn't. REALLY wasn't. I was swallowing razor blades. At least that's what it felt like. I worked from 5-12, and by the end of my shift, I was absolutely miserable. I went home and went to bed. Yes, yes I did.

This morning I worked at 6. I knew there was no point at even entertainiing the idea of calling in sick, because Elke just flat out doesn't allow it. If you're ill, she makes you find a replacement for yourself. If you can't, you have to come in and work anyway. She will NOT come in and work for you if she's not already scheduled, and she won't take care of the problem like she's supposed to. It's supposed to be her responsibility, but it just isn't...

So, I worked this morning, and was absolutely miserable. Couldn't breathe, couldn't talk, my head was all spacey, I was weak and incredible achey. So, Elke hears me croak something out, and she says "Are you sick?" I say "Very" and instead of showing alarm that I was endangering customers, or concern that I could be very ill, she laughed and made fun of my sick voice. Shortly after that she had me do some heavy lifting and put all the flavor syrups away.

Thank God for Katrina, who offered to stay an extra hour and a half for me, so I could leave at 9:30 (when she was scheduled to be off) She felt somewhat guilty, because I got this wretched illness straight from her. Oh, well. I went home and curled up in bed and felt horrible.

So, it's 9pm and I still feel like I'm going to die, and I still sound like a man...but there's no such thing as calling in sick to Caribou. No, no, no. I checked the employee handbook just in case I could get Elke in trouble for refusing t o allow her employees to be ill... what does the handbook say?

"If an illness or emergency prevents you from reporting for your scheduled shift, you must SPEAK with your Manager at least two hours (or as otherwise required by your mananger) before your shift on each day that you are unable to work."

So, the company requires two hours. Elke requires be there, or have someone to be there for you no matter what. It doesn't say anywhere in the handbook that you will be held personally responsible if you are too ill to work, and the Manager was unable to cover the shift. That is not the job of a casual employee! I know, I should do something about it...but I won't. I don't know how. It's not worth the effort, really. If I die, maybe there will be a revolt or something. Unlikely, but hey...a girl can dream.

Not this summer, but by next summer...my life will be drastically different. Not entirely sure how, but it will be. It has to be. Caribou will be a distant memory. That gives me a little over a year to get over certain fears and go for it. Go for what? Hah...we'll see.

So, still sick which means i should maybe go to bed or something. I'm just glad I got the cycled Caribou illness now, instead of...later. Yup.

So off I go. I'm done with my complaining. I have to work at 5am. I hope a customer catched my disease and they fire me...and then I tell my story and they fire Elke and give me a million dollars. Sounds good to me.

Later!

Me

April 26th, huh? I haven't written anything down since April 26th. Makes sense, I guess. It's another one of those things...too much or too little has happened. In this case, I think it's too much. Some things I dare not write about, while others...just aren't worth it. What am I talking about? If I don't know, you have no idea.

Let's do the typical journal thing and talk specifically about what I did today. It was an okay day. Sort of bittersweet. One of those moods I get in from time to time. Opened at Caribou at 5am as usual. Today it was with Katrina. Only one minor disaster, when I tried tot brew coffee in a coffee urn that was already half full. Turns out the crappy closers *KATE* didn't empty them out. So, coffee went all over the place, but we weren't open yet, so Katrina was the only one who witnessed it.

I worked DT again, and I got to work with my two favorite guys, Adam and Kenny. They're both Christian guys who love to sing show tunes with me, so it's all good. However, you're very isolated and alone when you work drive-thru. So...I didn't get to chat or sing much today. Carrie had her friend Dave from another Caribou come and work with us today. I knew I'd have a great time when he s tarted singing Newsies a long with Adam...yes! SCORE! All four of us were singing so loudly...fortunately for us, the customers enjoyed it.

So, work ended and I went immediately to Target to pick up my copy of The Phantom Of The Opera 2-disc special edition DVD. YES! I had exactly enough money...all in one dollar bills. It was hilarious.

After that, I went home. My mom was giving me chores to do, and I fell asleep sitting up on the couch. My nap lasted for all of five minutes, as mom insisted on carrying on a conversation with me about alfalfa sprouts...

Fortunately, she left and I could sleep! Except that I didn't. My mind was racing through different scenarios of certain events t hat might take place in the near future. I haven't slept for a few days... too much going on upstairs.

There's a ministry fair coming up at FLC, and they've asked me to set up a drama booth to really kick the program into high gear. WOO! Except that...it's only me, you know? And that's a lot of work for one person who works crazy hours like I do. Oh, well. I can handle it. Anyway!

So, I read a book instead. A dumb book, but it kept me busy. Then I had my meeting with Ben and Perry. It was during that meeting that I realized I will be missing the final GetDown of the year. The party, the blow out, etc, etc. It's on May 23rd, and I have a prior engagement. A prior engagement that will have me engaged until around 11pm, a couple hours too late for Getdown. I haven't told Perry yet, because I don't know how. I'd have to have a really good explanation, and I don't feel like it. Needless to say, I was not very talkative during the meeting.

I got home, and I was just restless. So, I got on my bike and started riding. I stopped at the library to return na couple of movies, and then I took a ride down the new Clark Street (Kelly, you haven't seen it...you'll be amazed). I rode all over Lake Avenue (the most beautiful bike ride ever) and I felt at peace for a little while. My head was almost quiet.

The weather was perfect. The past few days it's actually been snowing, and today people were wearing t-shirts and playing soccer in the sunshine. Psycho state...sheesh. Anyway. I rode down to optimist beach, and then my head would NOT shut up.

I walked over to the swing set, and suddenly my head just started...spinning almost with all of these thoughts, ideas, and...fears. The beach was completely empty, and I love it when it's like that. Everything was so calm. The only company was a couple of ducks waddling back and forth alonog the shore line.

I walked over to the swings, and picked out the one swing with a blue seat. It was different from the rest. As I got closer, I realized the seat said "Miracle" on it. It made me smile.

After taking a seat on the swing, I was suddenly a child again. My knees went together, and my toes pointed in, and I began pumping me legs back and forth as fast as I could. I remembered back to when I had been on that very same swing set, had swung as high as I could, and then just let myself fly off onto the soft sandy beach. I couldn't even dream of doing that now. Like so many things in my life, I'm too scared of gettinig hurt.

For a little while, I remembered how I used to feel when I was little. I was always more content by myself and my own imagination. Living vicariously through the characters I'd create in my head. I wrote stories on and off paper, always coming up with the best possible outcomes for each tale I'd create. I was always the star, and I was never unhappy.

I wasn't a loner, I enjoyed other people's company. But it wasn't necessary all the time. I could be by myself and be just as happy. Sometimes I wish I could still be that way. For a moment today, I was...until I looked at the empty swing next to me.

I was suddenly completely overwhelmed with an urgent need of having someone there beside me. I wanted someone to be there so badly, it was almost suffocating. Suddenly I didn't like it there anymore, so I got off the swing and walked to the water. I walked the length of the beach but it was too quiet. The water w as still and suddenly sad. I turned and walked back to my bike. I climbed the hill back up to Lake Ave. and rode straight home.

I busied myself with helping mom make dinner. We watched American Idol, and then I went to go watch One Tree Hill. I fell asleep halfway through. I bet it was good though.

The night ended as it usually does, with a much needed conversation with BJ. Then it was off to work yet again. Alas, alas. The cycle continues.

I haven't written in here for a long time. Partly because my computer is broken, and partly because life's not that interesting. Either that, or it's really interesting and I just don't have the energy to record it all down. I don't even know where to begin. I'm sure I'll leave too many things out. So I'll attempt to be brief, and somewhat informative.

Caribou is slowly killing me. Kerry quit (my Pope, my never ending supply of laughter) and I can't blame him. Kelley was fired (My person to vent to, my rock...) and now I find myself to be oddly important. Don't think I like that very much. Too much responsibility.

Dramas are up and running at First Lutheran! It's craziness. So much work, but it's so rewarding. Since they've never really had a real drama program before, after a skit takes place the actors are treated like celebrities. "Wow! You were so good! That was fantastic! Amazing!" It makes me laugh.

Work and work is pretty much my entire life. In between I get the chance to indulge in a few stolen moments at the library, or a few precious hours of my favorite select TV shows. It's rare indeed to have time to myself while I'm conscious.

So, I have Caribou and church, and meetings galore. Getdown, Missions Trip stuff... and I just feel tired all the time. Up at 4 every day doesn't help much. And certain fun health/girl issues. Bleck. I maintain a healthy attitude though, and I feel better about things as each day passes. I almost feel like I'm going in the right direction... as long as it gets me to where I want to go.

Now... I'm not one to exploit certain personal issues over the internet, but I can't help but sharing how much BJ means to me. I love him, I really do. I don't know in what way I'll love him five years from now, but I know how I love him now, and I know that will change no matter what. I just...don't know how. He's always there, and he won't let me trap myself in any of my stupid holes, and I cherish that about him. He's tough, but in a good way. He won't let me let myself be taken advantage of, and that's a first for me. In the past I've just let things slide, while secretly holding grudges against...well, me for being such a chicken. He makes me feel important. I know I AM important in many aspects of my life, but I haven't felt that way in a very long time. Then there's all the things we have in common. Call it cliche and stupid, but seriously...we never run out of things to talk about. It's hard to forsee that ever happening after almost five months of talking every single day... I'm just...very fortunate to have him in my life. He's very much a blessing, and he makes me happy. Or rather he makes me feel like I CAN be happy, and that it's okay to feel that way. Does that make sense? Well it doesn't have to. This is MY journal.

So anyway, there's that little truth. Enough said. I'll keep the rest to myself. Like they say in 'Win A Date With Tad Hamilton' --- "You have to love someone for their details"...and I do. But those details are all for me thank you very much :)

Well, another early morning tomorrow. *duh* So I better start the getting ready for phone call...er, I mean...bed process. *GRIN* I'll try to keep up with this journal a little more. Or not. We'll find out.

Peace, yo. I'm out.

ME!