So, we went to the Hanson concert. We went on The Walk with Hanson. Nikki talked to Zac Hanson. Here's proof.

Life is pretty good right now. Today. At this moment.

Tomorrow is the HANSON CONCERT!!! HOORAY! Stop laughing. You don't know what you're talking about. Nikki came to town just for the event, and we can't wait. She showed up at Caribou today to surprise me, and like an idiot, I burst into tears. I haven't seen her for a very long time. It was good!

I am seeing someone, and he's pretty great. We have fun. His name is Nathan, and I kinda like him. We'll see what happens.

I'm sure I have a lot to report...but...I will end with something incredibly gross and uncalled for... so if you don't wanna know, don't read it... but just so I can remember my EXACT misery at this exact moment...

*WARNING*

I have my first yeast infection. It's the most miserable thing on the planet. Discharge like cottage cheese. It's disgusting. An un-itchable itch inside and out, and a burning all over...JUST when it starts to get better, my period starts.

DEAR GOD! CAN I NOT HAVE A NORMAL VAGINA FOR JUST ONE DAY?? PLEASE?!?!

How did Corrie get said yeast infection? From the antibiotics she was on for tonsilitis...the 4th time in less than 6 months. It's a lose/lose. Rumor has it I have to get my tonsils out soon. I have an appointment to determine that on October 3rd. On top of all that, my apartment is having spider issues. Why? WHY?!? They're nocturnal though, so I find them in their hiding places during the day and smash them with my spidey-killer. (Broken sandal) It's lethal. I sprayed one to the wall today with hairspray, because it woke up prematurely. They're jumpers! You come at one with the spidey-killer and it jumps at you. AHHH!!! So, now my apartment smells like TreSemme.

Okay, I think that's it for now. I'm making porcupine meatballs. Apparently they were Kelly's favorite back in the day...WAY back in the day. At least that's what mom says. Who knows? There's no porcupine in them. I don't know where the name comes from. Maybe the rice? It's spikey....who knows?

TTFN, friends. Farewell.

So...it's been awhile. I know I have a lot to say. I just don't even know where to begin!

I've lost the writing bug, and I'm looking for him. I have named him Shakespeare. Have you seen him?

Here is my motivation-- MY SISTER IS FLIPPING AWESOME!!!!! Do you even KNOW what she did? I have a novel I'm writing. In my head. I need to get it down on paper...er...screen. Biggest draw back? My crap top. Kelly had been amused numerous times by our instant messenger conversation in which I had to compensate the loss of several functioning letters on my keyboard. I believe it was cursed by previous owners/users. Enough said.

ANYWAY! Kelly decided to make a gigantic investment in my future. What did she do? Like you don't already know. She bought me a BRAND NEW LAP TOP! Can you even believe it?? No bad memories attached, and it's gorgeous. I am so in love with it. Now I just need to find that pesky Shakespeare. I can't let her down. She says I have to write that novel, now that I have no excuses left.

SHAKESPEARE! Once an entire day could be spent together, just you and I. How I long for those days! Come back to me my sweet! Shakespeare, Shakespeare...wherefore art thou Shakespeare?

*sigh* I went googling around and found my old Smallville fan fic on the Kryptonsite archives. It's pretty freaking sweet! I'm funny. I'm hoping by reading that, and re-living the "Scarlet" adventure, I will rediscover my voice and fully develop the main character in my book. I'm excited to get to know her! She's pretty awesome.

So, wanna know something weird. I'm DATING. Like... dating for real. Not hopping from one relationship to the other, but meeting people. Going out to dinner. Talking, conversing... and like, having a life. It's kinda fun! I've found though...strangely enough, that after two bad relationships, I've learned to give myself more of a chance. Maybe I was desperate before? Or maybe just stupid. Probably both. ANYWAY. I've figured something out. I deserve better. I deserve to be picky. I deserve to say what I want, and not just bend and mold myself into what I think THEY want. And do you know what happens? I am admired for it. I am sought after, and asked out, and it's insane and I barely know how to handle it. I am my own person now. I make my own choices, and my own mistakes. (which there are many, but I'm still figuring me out)

I have been many people outside of myself for other people...if that makes any sense. I settled. I am furious at myself for that. I talked myself into being happy, because I thought I had no other options. I was miserable, and the people I was with were miserable. But aside from my stupid moments, I am mostly happy with myself. I like me. I am enjoyable! It feels good. There isn't all the drama and what ifs attached to absolutely everything. If I say something that disagrees with people, instead of back pedaling and sounding like an idiot, I stick to it, and stay myself. It feels good.

I could keep rambling about this forever. Blah blah blah. But I won't. My mom is craving Mama's, and I must oblige! Hehehe... I don't mind.

Bye!

Trust is difficult, rare, and sometimes unimaginable.

I have tan lines on my feet.

The scent of coffee and body odor should be used in chemical warfare.

I'm amused by the fact that certain infomercials continue to proudly boast the availability of their informational video cassettes and full color brochures!

These are my thoughts.

I can't really decide how to feel right now. Things that shouldn't bother me do. People who shouldn't be strangers are. Things change so much. People change so much! That's nothing new... but it feels new. It always feels new and unexpected no matter how used to it I SHOULD be. It still feels... bad.

I don't really know how to react. I feel myself withdrawing from people as much as possible. I don't necessarily want to withdraw... but I just am. I guess that happens when you have to give up on something that was a huge dream come true... didn't quite make it happen, and now I feel like disappearing. I didn't ever really feel like it was right in the first place though, so why am I even upset?

My mom has a surgery tomorrow for a tumor in her side. She was supposed to have it almost 2 weeks ago, but her potassium levels were too low. Usually they're too high, so that's different.

It's weird living this life... my little sister is getting married, so it's 2 full years of Sunnie's wedding, and everything else is just sort of... minor. Unimportant. Kelly is out living a dream life on the east coast with her dream nanny job. For awhile I was actually making my big dream come true, but it just didn't work out. I stay boring, mundane, and invisible. It's my own fault. I've perfected the art of blending in.

Sunnie is always annoyed with me or mad at me, and I'm constantly being lectured for doing absolutely nothing wrong. I'm tired. I don't seem to have any motivation. Blah. This is just a blah entry.

I'm happy for all of those people who are unbelievably happy. I just wish that I were one of them :) I wish I didn't lose people. I misplace them, and can't seem to find them again! It's ridiculous. *laughs* Eh, who needs em? ... I do.

I love you. And that's not a crime. People love people, and say it to each other all the time. Even you do. You can't say it to me, but you can say it to others. Oh well. I love you anyway.

Goodbye.

You know what's funny? I just read over my last couple of entries, and my writing has never been so bad! It seems I'm only creatively talented when I'm in a sour mood. Go figure. I'm not entirely in a sour mood at the moment, I think I've left it behind for the time being.

I tell ya. You leave your life behind for a little while, and then you have the opportunity to get outside of it for a bit. Then what happens? You see it all too clearly. Then you can see just how messy it is. Rawr. If only I knew the best way to go about cleaning it up.

It reminds me of one of those times I simply HAD to rearrange my bedroom. I do that sometimes, when life just stresses me out and I get depressed... I rearrange the furniture. (Now I have an entire apartment to play with, so it doesn't happen as often!) So, I was moving this desk/hutch thing, and it hit a crack when I was sliding it across the hard wood floor. Guess what happened! The whole thing snapped down the middle! Every item in my possession was randomly thrown into a domino like chaos. Everything hit something else until everything I owned was strewn about in the biggest mess I had ever created...intentional or not. Things broke, shattered, turned to dust... and just plain sucked.

It was so unbelievably overwhelming...I backed out slowly (and in much pain, seeing as how my computer had taken a death dive onto my foot, splitting my big toe nail down the middle) and closed the door. The mess was hidden and I didn't have to look at it. I took a break, almost gleefully leaving behind the chaos only to return to it heaving a giant sigh with a few grunts of severe displeasure attached. I didn't even know how to begin to clean it up! But somehow I did. I tackled the big things first.

The problem with that metaphor to real life this go around, is simply that I'm having trouble discerning the difference between the big things and the little ones. Although like that bedroom disaster... when I asked for help, I was turned down repeatedly. It's overwhelming, and completely crippling. Life should not make you feel like sobbing the minute your alarm goes off in the morning.

Work is ridiculous. I can't believe I'm still there! The musical is hard. REALLY hard. And I am completely on my own! When I had told First Lutheran in the beginning that I was looking to take it elsewhere, they clamped down on it saying that they wanted it there no matter what, and for me to ask for help whenever I needed it. Well...the few times I HAVE asked for help, I was met with the equivalent of a "do it yourself" kind of response. Well, fine then! I'm sure you won't mind "helping" me with the donations we'll be raking in!

I'm just crabby. Rawr. I'm grateful to First for allowing me to put on this production. But they've been so much more involved in every other church project. Why am I left out in the cold? Because they have no idea what they're doing. We all know this. Sometimes even I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing! But I do... I have an idea at least.

It's hard to do all of this without all the people who made it happen in the first place. Kelly's gone. BJ is gone. Nikki is gone. RJ is gone. They're my net! And it's gone. BJ called the other day. I never know what to say to him. Since the times we talk are so few and far between... I always end up blurting out this repressed things I didn't even know I was repressing.

One thing I really miss about talking to him, is that we both speak in metaphors. When I would get all deep and philisophical, I knew I could rely on him to speak the same way right back to me. I asked him "If you start out climbing a mountain, with a whole huge group of people...but by the time you get to the top you're all alone, was it worth it?" He had a very simple reply. All he said was "Look at the view." I argued that the view is never as spectacular as it could be if you were sharing it with someone else. The conversation continued with that analogy, BJ attempting to convince me that not everyone has left the mountain, they're just not as high up as I am, and they're just out of sight below the tree line. And aside from that, who's to say there's not a group climbing up the other side, waiting to meet me at the top? He defeated me in my metaphor, but this mountain still feels crazy lonely...and if I could find a cave in the side of the mountain, I would live in it forever. (And if there was a lake in that cave, it would be called a Corrie. True story! It's scottish for cave lake. I'm serious.)

So...melancholy is my mood of late, and it's incredibly difficult to escape. HOWEVER. I remember a lesson I've been taught for years, and by many. When you're working on a project to glorify God, it will be mercilessly attacked. That's how I know I'm on the right track. Absolutely everything that CAN go wrong IS going wrong. This musical is going to change lives! I am going to change lives for Jesus!! Can you BELIEVE it? I am sucha huge threat right now to the devil. Know how I know? Because he's trying to beat me down harder than I've been beat down in a very very long time. I'm ashamed to say it's working. But not completely working! I'm still standing. And even though the PASTORS are trying to tell me to back out, I refuse! This musical is happening. The auditions begin in less than a week!

WE PERFORM OCTOBER 10TH and 11TH!!! THE SHOW MUST GO ON! ---er, the show must get started.

Well, I did a lot of complaining without going into any detail...and I still managed to blab on and on. I MUST be in a sour mood! Ah well. When things get bad, I watch movies and live life through someone else's eyes. When things get REALLY bad, I watch The Painted Veil... which has recently turned into Ed Norton movies in general. God bless Amazon marketplace. Thanks to Amazon, I have basically purchased every single Edward Norton movie there is, starting at just 2.98!

Okay, off I go now to take some more Advil. Can't kick these headaches, friends! AHHH!

-ME

I survived! It was a fabulous trip. After the Lizzie house we enjoyed a very calm 4th of July, watching "Red Dragon" starring my love, Ed Norton... in the screening room.

Saturday was RENT!!! Hooray!!!! We saw the best Angel, he was fantastic. A little shopping was done as well, and then we headed on back to Croton for my last meal...dun Dun DUN! Mexigo again! Deliciousnes to the max. Then we viewed "The Other Boleyn Girl" that I had brought for Kelly to watch, then a crazy walk in the pitch black dark...then sleep. Then bright and early airport! Except when I got there, there was no one. Interesting.. turns out Kelly dropped me off about an hour before the airport opened. It's a very little airport. Good thing the dors were unlocked! The evil security people watched me walk back and forth like an idiot trying to figure out where I was supposed to be, and never offered me the "We're not open yet" tidbit. I was trying to appear not...well, not stupid. So I waited for another not stupid person to ask the questions I couldn't. Te-he-he-he!

So now here I am, back in the mundane horribleness of my existence. I hate my job. Duh. The musical hasn't even started yet, and it's stressing the crap out of me. This is not news, nor was it unpredictable. So...I guess that means I shouldn't update until I have something interesting to say! Fine!

-Me

This could be my very last journal entry. In about half an hour Kelly and I are heading to Fall River to stay at the Lizzie Borden house. Don't know who that is?

"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks, and when she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty one."

They kept the house in its original condition and turned it into a B&B. And my mother had been convinced for years that I could never stay the night somewhere like that. I protested, and nowhere we go. TO prove my mother wrong!

This house has been featured on America's Most Haunted... hooray! I'm a big wimp. What am I doing?? If you hear from me again, I survived...

Bye bye!! ....forever???

I'm in NEW YORK!!!!

I'm on VACATION!!!!

I haven't had one of those in a very, VERY long time. I earned it! I earned it a lot. I'm visiting Kelly, and we planned out a pretty terrific trip, if i do say so myself!

Today is Monday. I got here late Friday night, so technically I'm on day three of my vacation. What have I done so far? Well, gee.

Day one: Got up and met the fam Kelly works for. Cutest kids EVER! Then we headed to the train station and took a lovely train ride along the Hudson river to Grand Central Station in NYC. I am so grateful that Kelly can navigate that City without even thinking. Last time I was here, she was just as NYC green as me, and we looked like idiots.

First stop, TKTS, where we got our discount tickets for SPAMALOT, which was absolutely hilarious. We got to see Drew Lachey and Stephen Collins! After that, back to TKTS to secure our seats for an evening performance of Phantom!!!!!!

Before the show, she took me to Sardie's, which was the fanciest restaurant I have ever set foot in. And what was Corrie wearing? Jeans and Crocs. Oh, heavens. And the bathroom? There was an attendant who turned on the water and pumped the soap for me. Hehehehe! And the food? YUM! And gorgeously presented. I took a picture to be shared at a later date.

Then it was off to see Phantom. I saw it on stage once before a long time ago, and didn't remember the genius sets...so THAT was my favorite part. The girl who played Christine COULD have ruined it all for me, if I didn't already love it. Hearing someone sing flat during their biggest solo moments on BROADWAY just kind of...well, it gave me hope. HAHAHA! Kidding, kidding. I would NEVER!

After Phantom a teeny bit of impulsive buying on Kelly's part, then a late train home. (With the most loud obnoxious drunk people I have ever encountered.)

DAY TWO: Train to the city, shopping at store but not buying anything. (Although I almost purchased a bag of M&Ms only to realize that since I selected them myself from a dispenser at the M&Msstore, they would cost me almost 20 dollars!! Whoops...ditched the bag!)

Went to go see WICKED!!!!! Amazing show. It was SO good! And the theater was incredible. Went and bout a chocolate bar after that at the Hershey's store, then went home on the train to eat dinner t one of Kelly's faves "Mexigo".
After that it was off to White Plains City Center theater to see "Wanted". Pretty good movie! I love James McAVoy.

So now here we are, day three. Kelly works today, so I get to play with the kiddies. We're making enchiladas for everyone tonight.

LATER THEN!!

-ME!!

It's amazing how much things hurt when you try to tell yourself they don't. Guess what that makes me? A liar. There are so many questions, confusion, and memories. I hate not understanding things. I try to figure it out, but it's a waste of time. I'll never have the answers.

How can you go about life continuing things that you never thought you'd have to do alone? Projects and dreams that had always been dreampt of with someone standing next to you when it all came together.

There are moments when I walk into a room and can't even breathe, the urge to fall apart is so strong. The sob is always waiting in my throat, waiting for a weak moment to escape. I can't explain these feelings. Everyone is telling me I'm better off, and I know they're right. But I want to know why I don't have what I always thought I would, and no one can give me that answer. Why was my friendship so brutally and cruelly rejected? Why am I seemingly so undeserving of the answers I need? Why am I treated like I'm hated? What did I do that was so wrong? These questions, among many others can drive someone crazy. I can't let that happen.

One of my biggest dreams is coming true, but it wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be here. Why did this all crumble? Why did he change? Why can't I let it all go? Because there are years invested in this. Years invested in him. I just get so angry when that starts to seem like one big giant waste of time, energy, and heart. "I had so much to give, but you didn't have to take it all. This pain I'm left with, I'm wondering are you happy now?" - Amy Studt

It's a waste of time trying to understand people. It's a waste of time loving people who don't know how to love. It's a waste of EVERYTHING to care about ANYTHING. So how do you know which are the monumental mistakes before you make them? You don't. You make them, and you screw up, and you cry your little heart out and go back to square one. Some mistakes just last a lot longer than others.

I'm angry and bitter now, and I hate being that way. Most days I can leave it behind, wait until the wee hours of the morning to let the acid seep out through the cracks in my sunny disposition... he's so cold and uncaring. So distant and foreign. He's riding a crazy roller coaster, changing personalities and ambitions at every turn, climbing up and falling down faster than I can even comprihend.

What's the point in rehashing this again and again? He doesn't care about you, Corrie! He's not going to miraculously decide to be a human, be the friend you need! He dropped you! He's gone! He made a bunch of lousy empty promises just like every other friend you've ever had. Why are you surprised? Why did you believe him? Why did you let him in in the first place? Stupid idiot, keep your walls! Keep your masks! He'll preach to you to be you, but what does he care? Doesn't he see he's the reason?? He's what builds walls and paints masks? Every word he lies adds a new color of deception to your face. Make it pretty, make it colorful! Keep distracting people from the layers of FALSE adorning your ridiculous lie of a face. Alter their perception, he's given you all the tools you need! He claims to want to do the opposite, he always has. He was a test, and you failed! You are a failure and a liar just like him!

Oh, stop pitying yourself. Woe is me, I'm Corrie and everyone is mean to me. So? who cares! People suck and so do you. Who needs them? Who needs you? No one, so get over it! Life is temporary. People die. You're dying too. Do something that matters. You say you are, huh? Well, prove it. Boo-hoo he's not here to "See Me Through", oh well. Did you really think he'd FOLLOW THROUGH??? YOu can't trust anyone, not even yourself. You betray you more than anything. You're a fool and I barely even tolerate you, let alone like you. How's that for a mask?? You make me sick.

You hate yourself almost as much as you secretly hate everyone else. Whoops! Secrets out! Deal with it. YOu can't blame him for EVERYTHING, just most things. Why? Because you relied on him to NOT be a liar. For that, the blame is only yours. Why did you put so much on one person? It was inevitable that he would run away. They always do. Why? Because you wanted to believe the stories he told, about how "If I had been there when she first got sick, you wouldn't have been alone. I never would have left. I never will, either. We will be a part of each other's lives forever..." blah blah BLAH! WOW! You are so ridiculously stupid. It makes me laugh! Hear me out there? I'm the maniac in your head pointing at you and laughing insanely. You're hilariously pathetic! You fall for EVERYTHING. You claim to have all these trust issues, and that you never believe people. Too bad you believe absolutely everything they say, and fall for it hook line and sinker.

End this now. Go away. Nobody cares. Boo-hoo, go wallow in that for awhile and leave me alone.

Man, life is insane. AHHHH! It makes me feel like a crazy person. Since the first time I talked to BJ, I never really imagined a time when he would be completely out of my life. But... that's what he wanted. That's the decision he made.

Over the past few months he has disappeared and reappeared, each time delivering promises and pleas for a friendship to last through the ages. Then he would abandon everything he said and rip my heart out again. And again. And again. He became unrecognizable to me, and I'm still baffled.

How do you go from love to hate with nothing in the middle? How does he turn so cold? He has prided himself on being this amazing empathetic person, but I think he's just...stupid. Stupid and selfish. But at the same time, I don't think it's entirely his fault.

Throughout our entire relationship BJ had admired my family, specifically my Dad. Can't say that I blame him. Look at the male role models he grew up with. Not exactly the greatest influences. He never witnessed a strong loving and caring relationship. He never knew what it meant to be a united front, because all he ever saw was division. I'm grateful for my upbringing, because I will never doubt what is right or wrong in the treatment of my significant other. I know when I have done wrong, and I know when I have done right, because I have done both. I have made my share of mistakes, but I have also been through MORE than my share of turmoil. I never thought BJ, my best friend... would ever be that man. After what happened when I was there in October, I never throught he would turn into that statistic. I guess he got what he wanted and moved on. Makes me ill just to think about it.

I can analyze and try to figure it out all I want, but I'll always come up empty handed. It doesn't make a single bit of sense. Cure me and my memory, because I can remember every word, every vocal inflection, every promise...broken and otherwise. I can remember all the good times... but thank you to helpful reminder from Kelly, I can remember all the bad as well. That's where his inability to form a united front was painfully obvious. The way he would let people talk to me and about me... sometimes it felt like he didn't even like me. I guess I won't miss that. No, not really...

I will miss BJ my best friend. I kind of put BJ my boyfriend on a pedestal he really didn't deserve, romanticising the relationship in my head because it was my first. He was my first love.

It should have been a giant indicator when he randomly said one time "I'm not the only guy who could ever love you, you know." I had responded at the time by saying 'but you're the only one I want to love me...' and that really isn't true anymore. It amazes me how intensely I used to believe that. He didn't know how to love someone completely. He only knew how to love in bits and pieces. I want to love and be loved completely. I'm really looking forward to finding that.

It still hurts more than I care to admit...the way everything happened. I feel really stupid about certain things, but there's no real way to get around that. Time heals all wounds. I DO think that he's cruel, and I think he's lost his way. The cruelty is unintentional...just a side effect. He's someone different now. If this is the way he's going to stay... I'm worried for his future, and the people in it.

I have more work to do on myself than I'm making it sound. He's not the only one to blame, he's just the one who ran away and left a mess for me to clean. He was a huge part of my life, and there's a gant hole where he used to be. But I think filling that void will prove to be an amazing experience. Replacing lies with truth usually is.

My family is pretty awesome. They transition with me. I used to think they were madly in love with him, and would ridicule me for ruining things. Turns out...they're madly in love with ME and stand behind me even if they think I'm dating an idiot. *cough andi cough* So when I told them BJ didn't even want to be my friend anymore, they didn't even flinch. They shrugged and said "Oh well" like it was just a flash on a TV screen. At first I was offended, because I thought it was a bigger deal than that. To them, he's just Corrie's ex-boyfriend. Why would it be a bigger deal to them? Then it made me feel better to see how they saw it. They will make it easier without even knowing it.

Someday I hope I can look back on all of this as a pleasant and very distant memory. He's chosen to cut ties, so I guess I'll have to just let it all go. I knew it would be tough for me, so i did the typical deletion of him from my phone, myspace, facebook, email, etc.. NOT because I wanted to cut him out of my life... because that was never what I wanted. I did it so I couldn't have any resources to beg him to stay in mine. I know how i can be, and I have a really hard time of letting go of those I love. Curses.

Well, time to go now. Miss you, Nickelby! You're coming home soon!! Can't WAIT!

We will miss you, Darla...


Darla Christine Killmer
April 28, 1996 - April 23, 2008

I hate days like today. I hate how I feel. I get to a point where I find myself absolutely revolted by those around me to the point of physical illness. I literally get so disgusted that I feel like I'm going to be sick.

I feel so angry sometimes. Angry at the circumstances, angry at the past, angry at the future that seems to be beating me into the ground. I hate feeling like this!

I know I'm not completely mentally healthy. I have so many issues I haven't dealt with. Abandonment, humiliation, degradation, betrayal, agony, and pure and total fear. I feel like there's rage that's been long surpressed...and it's transformed into something worse. I don't even know what to call it.

My stomach is swirling with a whirl of emotions, and I don't even know which one to go with. I don't even like myself...so how can I blame others for keeping their distance? Who the heck have I turned into? How can I get back to who I want to be? How do I even figure out who that person is?

I depend on people who love me to help me figure that out, but I don't think they can.

I feel like a mess. I thought I had myself back on the right track. I thought I was where I needed to be. I thought I had things under control. Why is the urge to get in my car and drive in one straight direction and never come back so unbelievably strong? Just adopt a new identity and flee the country. Leave this all behind and start over.

I should take my own advice and "clean out the junk closet"... thank you, anonymous janitor. Your guidance extends well beyond the written page.

Time to go.

"Missing Me" - RJ Helton

..........>>>>>>
Don't understand why we can't go on and go on
Don't understand why
You don't belong in my arms

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea?
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

It's funny how my heart just won't let it go
I just don't understand
It's crazy how the pain seems to overflow
The memories of you here with me by my side
I can't deny that you are the love of my life

And I still cry for you
And I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
And I still long for you
And I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea?
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

Well...

Mom's cancer has grown and gotten worse, and we had kind of a crappy day. How do we cope? We go home and make videos. This video was MEANT to look real, but be completely fake. Jamison got a bit carried away, and towards the end? Very very real. Sunnie had to stop filming when Jamison realized I was calling out "You did it for real!"

So here you are. Enjoy my misery.

It has been quite awhile since I wrote last, and I wish I had the energy to write it all down. But I don't! My head is just a jumble of mixed emotions. Extreme highs and lows bouncing all over the place.

My mom is pretty sick. It's such a crazy roller coaster ride. She has her good days and her bad days. The cancer has spread and she's trying new treatments. It's such a trial for everyone.

Plan See is actually taking shape, and See Me Through is actually going to happen! How? Well, a friend of mine made it possible. RJ Helton, the guy who inspired the story with his brilliant music is now someone I am priviledged to call my friend.

I feel things slipping through my fingers though, and it's so exhausting to even think about writing it all down. There are a lot of things I miss, and wish I could change... but that's not up to me anymore. I miss BJ.

Hopefully I'll write more soon and elaborate a bit more. Until then...

Bye

"Forgive"

This pain goes on
Deep inside my heart
Changing all that I knew
This feels so wrong
I'm tired of being angry
But tell me what do I do
I feel betrayed and completely over come
This is the hardest thing I've ever done

I need to find a way to forgive
The way that You've forgiven me
To understand to know that Your plan
Is something that I don't always see
I need to find a way to forgive
Like You've forgiven me

We're all afraid
Silenced by the fear
Of the mistakes that were made
I call I pray
Lord help me to remember
That everybody breaks
Fill me with your spirit and your words
Give me the heart to heal and not to hurt

I need to find a way to forgive
The way that You've forgiven me
To understand to know that your plan
Is something that I don't always see
I need to find a way to forgive
Like You've forgiven me

Everyone in this world needs a Nikki. But you can't have this one. She's mine. When Andi wrote: "You’re not someone who should be ‘affecting other peoples lives’, because you have never done that in a positive way. Until you can figure out how to change yourself, your contact with others should be limited." It cut deep. For a brief, split second I believed him. Boy, was I wrong! HE was wrong. What wonderful people I have. There were the typical comments laced with colorful language from those certain few...but then there was Nikki.




WHY EVERYONE NEEDS A NIKKI:

He's so...he's so...he's so...ERG!!! I don't even know what to say to all the junk he said! I feel like, yes, he's on to something when he says to "let it go," but what he SHOULD mean by that is to forgive and be able to move on. Not just "let it go" as if it's that simple.

Multiple Personality Disorder = WHO IS HE TRYING TO KID??? Again, like I said in my text message...he must be mistaking you for HIMSELF.

I understand that straight-forward people are great, and that being frank and honest is an admirable quality. But I feel like he's NOT being those things...he's being cruel. He's taking every single comment five steps farther than they need to be just to make it sound more mean. Geez Louise.

And yeah...about the "positively affecting others" part...If he thinks what he says is true, then he NEVER KNEW YOU. You, the REAL you, the you who I know and love and still see in you, even if you're feeling lost. The you who changes over the years and grows, as you should, but always, at the heart of everything, keeps the same spirit. Corrien Killmer, I love you. You have affected ME far beyond positively. You taught me how to sing like no one's listening. You taught me how to think outside the box. You taught me how to dream. You taught me how to be a silly who-cares-what-they-think teenager. I learned, through you, that you're never too old to play on a playground, it only takes a video camera to become a rock star, that geeks are cooler than jocks anyways, and that the kids on my bus called me "mustache" because they were jealous they couldn't grow their own. You learned a language with me. *I LOVE YOU SIGN*. You pointed me down the path of light when I was about to walk down a dark valley. I don't know who I'd BE had it not been for you. Even WITHOUT every little moment we've shared in our lives, that ONE NIGHT could have been the night that saved my faith. I don't even want to know what I would be like without that night. You have drastically changed me for the better, in big ways and small, since I've known you. Corrie, I thank God for you.

Andi can think what he wants, ignore what he knows is true, and go on in his "let it go" world for as long as he wants. I pray God snatches him and brings him back to Him, because he's obviously far, far away. But you, my dear, will come out of this a better soul than he. You can heal, even if it takes quite a while. And I know, with time, you can even forgive. I almost pity Andi, because he seems to be incapable of all those things. Almost pity.

Andi can be wrong. Because I know the truth, and am telling you so that you know it, too. You are a wonderful person, Corrie Killmer, and you have wonderful gifts that bless the people you know. Never, ever, let Andi (or anyone else Satan seems to try and use against you) tell you otherwise. Satan can eat it. (Ooops...is it still sinful to be vulgar towards the devil himself? Heh...).

You, my dear...go listen to RJ Helton's "Forgive." ;) Praise God for who He is. And never forget who YOU are (even if it's hard to see right now). What does that good old quote say? A friend is someone who knows the song of your heart...and can sing it back to you when you've forgotten the words.

And I'm singing it loud and proud!!!! (Which, coincidentally, I learned from you. ;))

Love, always.
Nik

So that's all for now.
God Bless You All.

Mom's cancer is back.