Saturdays are my date day with my boyfriend, they have been...forever. When both of us are not busy, we spend the time together via the phone. I take BJ with me on errands, he keeps me company while I cook, he joins in on family conversations...it's the next best thing to having him here. I talk to him until my battery dies. (My cell phone and my body) I need that....and it's only once a week.
During the week, I get to talk to BJ anywhere from half an hour to an hour in the later evening roughly between 9:30 and 10. If we talk duing the day, the conversation is brief and is usually abruptly ended by myself, who is overly concerned with cell phone minutes. I look forward so much to Saturdays.
One thing I think people forget about is I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM!!! I used to get annoyed with how often Paul would call for Sunnie, partially because they got to see each other all the time. Everyone gets annoyed with me now, but it's so different. Saturdays are all I've got! And I don't even get to see him. I don't get to feel him next to me, I don't get to hug him, nothing. I just get to talk to him, and we get to include each other in our day. We spend the day together. It's the closest thing we've got.
Yesterday was Saturday. I waited all week for Saturday. I have the day off from Caribou. Caribou is a fun job, but a lot of work. Kelly loves it, but if she worked a morning she might reconsider. The whole morning is one big rush and you feel like your brain is disconnected and floating away at times. Your hands can't keep up. My schedule is making me a vegetative psychopath. I can't exist. 3:45 every morning, and non-stop craziness until 11. I go home and I collapse, no good for anybody.
I'm never not tired, and health issues make everything that much more hellish. I feel like my mind is much, and slowly draining out my ear.
I quit Getdown because I felt like I had nothing left to contribute. That mushy mind of mine decided that it was done with ideas. It has reduced itself to the redundant existence of me...the faithful Caribou employee, the girl who sleeps the day away, and the girl who feels like no matter whose life she touches, ends up doing less good and more evil. She can't be herself anymore, because herself oozed out her ear along with her mushy brain.
The one thing my mind can focus on, is the chaotic wheel of decisions and emotional issues surrounding the move in January. I know I want to do it, I almost know exactly where to... everyone seems to have a different opinion. Of course I want to be with BJ from now until forever, but I have a lot of fears to work through.
My mind also focuses on my personal problems with myself. My insecurities. BJ opened that Pandora's box a couple nights ago. Things I've been avoiding since day one with him. Oh well. He went for it, he got it.
Anyway...yesterday was Saturday. From 5pm-8pm, I had my ear piece in my ear, and I talked to BJ until my battery died. During that time, Kelly came home from work, she and I went to Target and Wal-Mart. Much of the time BJ just listened quietly while Kelly and I searched for Halloween costumes and browsed the home decor section of Target. I was spending time with my sister, but it was my way of including BJ. It was our date day.
After my phone died, Kelly and I finished up at Wal-Mart and then headed to Blockbuster. We were in search of entertainment for the evening, but we came up empty handed. We decided to go home and eat and watch Sunnie's copy of Fever Pitch. I had seen it, Kelly and Jamie hadn't.
Kelly made a delicious pot roast dinner, so we ate ourselves to happy tummies. BJ called once but I decided not to answer, so we could have dinner together. By the time he called again, I had finished eating, so I answered and went up to my room. I told Kelly I wouldn't watch the whole movie, and she was fine with that.
Since we were no longer at a discount store in the company of my sister, BJ and I used the time to talk about real things. When the movie ended I was in my parents room (where Kelly is staying because they're out of town) checking my email. I told her I wouldn't be long, she said good because she had to go to bed. She went in the bathroom to brush her teeth. She came out with tears in her eyes and started scolding me for ditching her and Jamie for any other reason besides going to bed. Her voice got louder and more angry as I tried to brush it off, and I started to get more angry. Nobody seems to understand about Saturdays. Nobody seems to understand that I break in half everyday because I'm not with him.
BJ is my best friend. I tell him everything. He talks me through everything. He is always there, no question. He tosses his own schedule to the wind, just so he can be there for me. He wakes himself up every day Monday-Friday at 3am just so he can keep me company and ensure the fact that I'll have a good day. He is everything to me. I've waited my whole life to be loved and cherished, and now I am. I have someone who WANTS to be with me everyday, no matter how emotional or psychotic I might seem. He wants to help me deal with my past, be a constant in my present, and be with me for my entire future. Why can't I just have my Saturdays?
Even though I tried to defend myself inside my head, I felt terrible. I hung up with BJ and I cried. I felt myself slipping. It was already night, but it was still getting darker.
I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. I couldn't move. I talked to BJ until he had to get ready for church. Him going to church means so much to me. I changed him and I feel terrible. He used to go all the time. Now he would rather talk to me. I can't stand that. I pushed him off the phone with the firm belief that he would follow through like he said and go to church. I stayed in bed for hours. I felt sick. Kelly called to ask me to help. I couldn't make sense of her words in my head. I was in that groggy nightmare. She said goodbye, but my goodbye didn't make sound before I hung up, so I guess I hung up on her. I can't remember the conversation.
BJ called on his way to work, thinking how hilarious it was that after he had hung up with me he went back to sleep. My heart broke a little. God used to be more important to him than that. How did I change that? I was sad...but for once he didn't pick up on that, so it was a light conversation, and I went back to bed. I got up every once in awhile and do...things. I'm not even sure. One time I found that Darla had eaten an entire box of apple donuts. I was furious.
BJ called on his break. I didn't answer. I was too exhausted. Instead, I silenced the phone. I fell asleep. Depression can do that. Puts you right out. I woke up to four missed calls, and an empty house. Kelly had taken Jamie to a movie. We had decided yesterday to all go together today. I guess what I had done last night kicked me out of that scenario. I started to cry. I screamed into a pillow. Nothing makes sense.
I felt irrational. Why was I so upset? Nothing had happened. But of course, if one little thing makes you upset, that snowball starts rolling down the hill, packing along with it a new problem on each side every time it makes a full circle. Pretty soon the cloud above your head is so big, you just panic. You can't remember what set it off, but you can sit and dwell for hours on everything that's wrong in your life, and everything that makes you sad. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic.
Now here I am writing this, and I'm trying to be honest with myself. I'm on the pill that makes me sick, I'm on the pill and I'm still spotting. (My journal, I can talk about periods...) So I have my period, and I'm still on the pill that messes with your hormones and makes me sick....wee! Weather changes create bad breathing, so I'm sick in mutiple ways, I have a cold, and so I'm just all types of crabby. So that's how I rationalize my behavior. And yet...I still don't understand people. I feel disliked, and I know that's not irrational. Some think I'm fat, some think I'm mean, some think I'm selfish...lately I've been asked how I see myself. I'm so consumed with other people's opinions, that it's been quite a chore to find one of my own. I still don't have it nailed down, but I do know that I'm unhappy with myself. Maybe someday I'll figure that out. I'm too tired to make sense to myself, or to anyone else.
My mom told me awhile back that I've been checking myself out of life. I resented her at the time, but she's right. I'm retreating into something else and I disappear from time to time. It's not even close to a fraction of how bad it was "back in the day"... back in my junior year of highschool. I have a good life and good people in it. I just wonder sometimes if I'm considered a good person in anyone else's life. I used to think that I was...such a good person. Always there for everybody. I'd loan you a million dollars if I had it. But I also remembered sacrificing my own happiness constantly just to see somebody else smile. I don't do that anymore. I found things that make me really happy, and I refuse to give those up. If that makes me really selfish, I'm sorry... actually I'm not. I deserve it.
Kelly and Jamie are at the movies now, and I'm glad I'm writing this out so I don't explode all over innocent bystanders. I probably need the time alone to sit and reflect on the chaos. Maybe I should leave me cell phone on silent. Maybe I'll exist tomorrow. Who knows.
Well, I feel like I just wrote a novel. Time to go. Later!
