What a day, what a day! Absolutely NOTHING happened! Hahaha. Yesterday my mother, claiming I was a bum who does nothing, got me in the car for a festive day of job hunting. I insisted that it was a no-hiring time, and no one was looking. (Because I've looked, trust me) My mom didn't believe me until some random store owner downtown White Bear said "This is a bad time to try and find a job. No one is hiring." I tried very hard to not laugh at my mom. Why didn't she believe me? Well, fortunately for us, The Avalon Tea Room has just put up a help wanted sign. My theater friend Gretchen works there, so that was pleasant. I'd also (if given the job) be asked to work at the gift shop across the hall, where my other friend Rana works. So I was a happy camper. Not my idea of the ideal job, but everyone seemed really nice. And working with two friends? Not too shabby!

After that final breakthrough, my mom and I decided to go to Sbarro, for some baked ziti. *yum yum*. Then I went and rented "Maid in Manhattan" and took it over to my grandma's apartment to watch. She was recently released from a temporary stay at the White Bear Care center. She was there because of 7 collaped vertebraes in her back. Sound like fun? Eh...she's only in her sixties, so it's sad. She has a hospital bed, and a lift chair, and all these strange things...she seems old now, and she never did to me before.

After the movie was over, my dad came and picked me up. Then it was movie time again! My mom and I watched "Abandon" which got really bad reviews, but I really liked it! I was told it seemd really predictable, but I think that's what they wanted you to think, because it really wasn't! Anyway, I enjoyed it. Yes... My brother had two annoying friends over, and his room is next to mine. Yeah, I didn't really sleep.

This morning, I woke up, cleaned up after three teenage tornadoes...woke my mom up at around 11am, cleaned out Harvey's cage...woke everyone else up...made some food for other people. Mom and Sunnie ended up going prom dress shopping. I watched Kindergarten Cop. It was fun. I took a nap, which is always enjoyable. *laughs* And then I made dinner, and...geez, where did the day go? Just a second ago it was light outside, and now SNL is on? Goodness gracious!

Well, I've decided something. Operation C.A.L (I know what it is, but I'm not telling. Ha-ha.) And here are the options of attack. (Also in code. I just have to write them down so I don't forget) "Junior Mints", "Twisty Braid", "Dancing Diamond", "Jelly Fish", "Emerald Elk", and...hmmm....I can't remember all the components. Mayhaps I will remember later. And perhaps someday...."the dream that you wish, will come true..." *laughs* As far as what was listed above, I don't think...yeah. Twisty Braid and Jelly Fish may be sooner eliminated than anticipated. Junior Mints seems rather promising...hmm....we shall see what we see when we see it. Or at least I will *laughs* Peace out, e-rokin baby! Time to hang with my bro, yo!

Life's not fair. Everyone knows that. Everyone knows I know that. Then why does everyone tell me life's not fair? WE ALL KNOW! No one needs to say it anymore. I know it more than most. You know what? I'm think I'm going to write an improv poem, here and now. Just because. I feel poetic. This is how I do it, for any of you who ever wondered. I start writing, and it starts rhyming, and when I'm done, I don't go back. I never change anything, because that would be changing how I feel. So here goes. The following is a written illustration of how I felt yesterday:

"Today"

I'm glad that it is gray today.

I'd die if it were bright.

The sun has gone away today,

Along with what is right.

I finally sat and cried today.

My strength and meaning gone.

I let my heartache out today.

But I let my mask stay on.

I finally see the truth today.

I know what I did wrong.

I'm closing up my heart today.

I'm back to being strong.

I do not cry for him today.

I do not cry for me.

I don't know why I cry today,

These feelings fly too free.

I wish that I could change today

To make it seem brand new.

I still feel all alone today,

The people here are few.

I fell back into dark today.

A sad familiar place.

I'm glad the sun is gone today.

It cannot see my face.

-Corrien E. Killmer

Well then! Yeah, yesterday I thought too much about too much. It was exhausting, and I still don't understand anything! Okay...everyone knows by now that I never expected anything to happen with Tim from the very beginning. I just didn't! I never ever let myself think that way. I wanted to keep him from falling into places I had been stuck in one too many times. I started talking to him, genuinely wanting to help prevent...prevent him from going where I had gone in similar situations. So yeah, I had liked him for two years, just because he was a really nice guy. I didn't know he was going to show me the real Tim. The sad side, the mad side, the side you never see. But he did. For a couple months he handed me every problem he had ever experienced, and I would respond with encouraging words, and anything else I could think of. He thanked me for helping him through his hard time.

He told me so many things. I'd like to think I helped with so many things. Sometimes he would decribe identical experiences to my own. So I would tell him how it happened to me too. Suddenly that wasn't okay. I can listen, but I can't talk...I don't understand! We have been through all the same things. The only difference with me...is that I have family problems on top. No one ever said he'd have to change them. It just isn't fair for him to say he's afraid of my problems, when I took all of his on top of my own, to try to make his life better. That's just not fair...

I know that's not a real reason. I know the real ones are superficial. I just wish he wouldn't cowardly hide behind something like that...my problems are no one's but my own. Always has been that way...

I was talking to Jessi last night, and at first I thought she was mad at me. She said I was putting her in the middle of it. She told me I couldn't be mad at Tim, he was just being honest. I told her I wasn't mad at Tim. Then she turned around and said how can I not be mad? She would be...I was royally confused. Then I realized...I am mad. but not at Tim.

I'm used to handling a lot more than other people. I can take on my problems and everyone else's all at the same time. I've been doing that all my life. So when I let a little out in my opinion, it's a mountain to other people. And it scares them. They don't know how to handle it. Tim even told me he didn't know how to handle it. In the conversation with Jessi last night, we discussed that.

(JESSI) Maybe people are used to you being the strong one.

DistantStares: people do think I'm the strong one, and I want to believe its true. In my yearbook junior year, everyone wrote about how strong I was, and how much they admired me. Everyone has breaking points. Mine just make people run away...that's the bad part of being the strong one. When the strong one falls, they're abandoned.

(JESSI): Maybe because it scares the rest of us.

(JESSI): Maybe if the strong one falls, then there's no hope for the weak.

DistantStares: but Jessi...that's not fair to me. No one can be strong all the time...and when they fall, they need to be caught just like everyone else

(JESSI): I'm not saying it's fair, I'm saying it's the way people expect things to be.

DistantStares: yeah, well it's really really not fair...i can listen, but I can't talk.

(JESSI): I know it's not.

So at least one person understands that... I'm so strong until I fall. And no one wants to be there when that happens. I'm there for everyone else when that happens to them. I fall, and I fall into nothing. I'm not saying that everyone has to stop coming to me for help/comfort/compassion/companionship. I love that I'm trusted in that way. I just wish I could expect the same, but I know now that I can't. I think it's good that I know that now. I don't go around telling people the bad things that happen to me with the intent of making them feel bad, or guilty, or anything like that. I thought being someone's friend included knowing them through the good and the bad. I can't expect that from everyone, and I'm glad I figured that out. There's a few people in this world I know I can always go to. I've been strong for them, and they're strong for me. Then there's the other people that I've made the mistakes about...my mistakes. Mental note taken and permanently stored. I guess I'll remain a mystery to them. Well, this was a long entry. But I needed for it to all be said. Life's not fair, did you know that? E-rok out. Later.

Last night was bad. It really really was. Here's why. Nikki and I were at her house, on her computer. I signed on AIM, not expecting to soon be involved in a big, very not fun conversation. I was talking to Tim, and at first it was all light hearted and fun. Then he mentioned that he was reading the journal entry I had just posted. I immediately got a bad feeling. I had written how I felt about him in French, knowing that I would keep it to myself that way for the most part. He asked me what it meant. I asked him why he wanted to know, because it wouldn't matter. He asked me why wouldn't it matter? And I asked him why would it matter...he said I had to answer first. So I did. I told him that no matter how I felt about him, it would be a one way thing. Then...he agreed with me.

"It is true that I do not recipricate the same feelings for you that you do for me, but I feel that you are kinda mad that I don't have those feelings for you." --- Tim Beier.

Well, I was kinda upset by the fact that he would think I'd be mad at him for not liking me that way. That's just silly. But then I made the huge mistake of asking him why. He said he wouldn't lie, but didn't want me to be mad at him. I refused to say I wouldn't be mad. What he ended up telling me, his reasons...were exactly what I was afraid of. He told me that I was not physically attractive to him. Okay...but the other part of his reasonings were even worse. This was after he had told me that I could trust him, he wanted to help me, blah blah BLAH. I would have never told him anything had I known...he said he wouldn't disappear, that me telling him that I'm not perfectly happy 24-7 would not make him not want to be around me. Well his other reason for not wanting to be with me? He said it was because of all the things I've had to go through, he wouldn't want to be around them, and he wouldn't want them to become his problems.

I never asked them to become his problems! And he said he wanted to help, that I could trust him. I will never ever trust him like that. Never. I just feel like I was lied to, a lot... his reasons are superficial, and there are things I know he's afraid to say. He did say a lot of things though.... like I don't have to be physically attractive to be his friend...well, whoopie! Good to know!

I was really upset, mostly with myself. I don't know why I ever told him anything. I've been asking myself that all night. Did I think he would rescue me or something? Yeah right! He also said that he wanted to help me, but I don't want to help myself. That cut me...it really did. That was when I realized he didn't know anything, because he never really listened to anything I said. I won't even go into how wrong he was with that statement.

I walked away from that conversation hurt and upset. I knew what would happen in the end, but I always hoped for different. I called Kelly at her boss's house from Nikki's room. Oh, thank God Nikki was there! Oh, I would have died without her. She had been through a similar situation... I really don't know what I would have done. Anyway, she drove me to Kelly's boss's house so I wouldn't have to go home to my mom and her endless disappointment in every single thing that I do. We listened to Nick Carter the whole way, marveling at how great it was, and how it explained us when we couldn't.

After I got here, I went on line to tell Sunnie to tell my parents I wasn't coming home. Sunnie was still upset with me about something else, and we ended up in this battle...it was not good. It really didn't help me much. I think we both needed to vent though. I stared at Tim's screen name for a long time, and knew I wasn't going to talk to him. He didn't talk to me, I didn't talk to him. But then I realized something. He IS a really good friend. He said some dumb things that would have suggested otherwise, but he seemed to be genuinely concerned about losing my friendship. I realized something else too... In the past I had eliminated friendships, cut the rope so to speak, when I should have been reinforcing it. We had the earlier hope of a great friendship, and I was more than ready to throw that away. He DID hurt me, he DID say hurtful things...and at the time I was really upset and confused as to why he could complain about no one ever feeling for him in that way, and then I did...and I wasn't good enough. He didn't want me. And I know it was the purely physical appearance thing, I just didn't know...he would complain about Jessi being superficial. He's worse. But...AHHH! He was a very good friend. And I don't want to lose that. So I told him that. And I told him I think we could become even closer friends. He said he wanted that "sooo much". He wants things to be like they used to be. Isn't that what they always say? Can't we still be friends? Well, we can be, because I'm not going to be the stupid one this time like I was last year. I had great friends last year, and let paranoia and past experiences and other people's opinions dictate my actions, and I lost them all. Almost. A couple of them knew me well enough...anyway.

He and I decided that we were actually going to remain friends. But I don't think It will be anywhere near to the same as before. How can it be? He told me he didn't like being a part of the things I came to him with for comfort... So I told him I wouldn't tell him anything anymore. He said I shouldn't keep it inside, but I don't have any other choice. He won't be there for me like I thought he would. I know that now. From the beginning of it all, i wasn't thinking he'd fall in love with me, or like me even. I wanted him to be happy, I tried to help him. It comes down to this. he said he would never hurt me, and he did. Nobody can say that and mean it. I'll always be his friend though, that part of me will never change. God curse me and strike me dead...or not. *smiles weakly*

He didn't see what he should have. And now he never will, because I won't let him. That's all for now, Nikki---come home soon...I need you! *whines* I love you ALL, NAF

So...there's a problem. But I can't write about it. I'm disappointed in someone, but he can't know it. So I guess I'm forced to move on now.

Anyway! I'm playing a great game right now...it's called...French Discovery! I just made it up. It's fun. Not really, anyway!

Last night, I went to Lurae's with a bunch of people, and played Sardines. If you've never played it, you're really missing out! It's my favorite game ever. Nikki and Sunnie totally won last night...I have lost my title...*sigh* Oh, well.

In other news, my mom told me today I can never ever do theater again. I must quit now, or move out. PSYCHOPATH! That was after I told her my good news about being hired by the district as part of the theater staff...I am less than happy...

Onward ever onward...moment of truth. How much do I like Tim Beier? Toute des choses que je pense sont-a-il. Quand je dors, j'espere que il vais aller avec moi dans mes penses. Il sais que j'aime lui, mais je ne sais pas si il retourne l'amour. And that's that!

So, today...in choir...HAHAHAHA! Oh, good times...no but really. Today I went to TMOA with Nikki and her mom and sister. We shopped. That's what you do at a mall. Then, Nikki and I went to her house...and now I'm on her computer completely ignoring her. AS IF! I'm....REALLY glad she's here right now. If you only knew...hey! That's that Moffatt/Gil Ofarim song. I like that song. I am so incredibly random. Well...maybe I'll write the deep and meaningful necessities at another time. I love you ALL.

Okay, I found it. The perfect song...that a guy has to discover is how he feels about me *laughs* I've heard it a billion times, but just recently discovered it, ya know? Anyway...baybay...a girl can dream. See, this song? The guy actually realized the girl is sad...and that doesn't make him run away. He wants to CHANGE it, now isn't that just peachy?? Read the lyrics, yo!

Nick Carter

"Heart Without a Home"

Girl I love to watch you

You're like candy to my eyes

Like a movie that you've seen

But you gotta watch just one more time

But that smile you're wearing

It's a beautiful disguise

It's just something you put on to hide the emptiness inside

And you seem so lonely

But you don't have to anymore..

[CHORUS]

If you're a heart without a home

Rebel without a cause

If you feel as though you're always stranded on the shore

Like a thief in the night

Let me steal your heart away

Baby if for reasons, what you're looking for

I'll be yours I'll be yours

I'll be a new sensation

One you never had before

I got a feeling if I gave you some

You'd probably want some more

Did you know that Baby

You're the bluebird in my sky

I only wanna make you happy cause I love to see you fly

And if you feel lonely

You don't have to anymore

[Chorus]

I'll be yours, I'll be yours

I'll be the raft in the tide

I'll be yours

I'll be the truth in the light

And what's more

When no one opens the door

I'll be the hope that you're

looking for

[Chorus]

I'll be yours...

Now how come no one feels that way about me, huh? *laughs* Someone write me a song, write me a poem...heh. It goes both ways too...that song? I'll be yours! Well...I've really got nothing else to say just yet. We'll see what we see when we see it. I know I say that a lot! Good grief. And also...before I go. Don't put too much thought into my opinion. It's really not that important. Over.

Okay, I lied. There's something kinda sorta interesting that I've been thinking about recently. A few years ago...like, quite a few, I liked this guy. He and I were exactly alike. Eerily so. Our mothers constantly compared stories about us. Thing is, he fell for my step-sister...his opposite in every way. He knew he ended up hurting me, so he wrote me an e-mail once, telling me "You can't have a relationship with someone you have a lot in common with. Relationships have to be built on compromise. Otherwise there's nothing that binds it together, nothing to work on or towards, and it falls apart", etc. etc. You know what? I believed him for awhile. But now? I think that's total crap. I really, really do. Why would you want to work so hard to try to be with someone, compromising on EVERYTHING?? Wouldn't you rather just...yeah, you both like it, you both do it. Not "We'll do your thing for awhile, then mine..." That's dumb. Stupid, silly, dumb. I'm not really making the kind of sense that I want to right now. I think, you should have a lot in common with the person you pursue a relationship with. Why? So you don't hate each other, duh! If you don't have a lot to work on in the relationship, that's a good thing right? Okay, so I've never had one. But still! I don't understand why you would WANT to have problems to solve. Intentionally. That's plain madness. I get giddy when guys seem a lot like me. I wouldn't look elsewhere. So there. I've said my piece. Again. Ta-da. Later gator.

Well! I think this might actually end up being a shorter entry. Why? Nothing happened. A lot of thinking happened, but that's nothing out of the ordinary. So! After my last post, I struggled for about half an hour to figure out how to use satellite TV. That was fun. Then I watched something about wedding customs. See? Really nothing fun. Then I went to set painting. I joked around a lot with Kyle Letendre, singing "Chicago" songs...very badly. But that was on purpose!

I ended up stowing away for awhile with Kaitlin, telling secrets and updating each other on...stuff. She has better stories than me now! Know what I mean, jelly bean? Think happy thoughts...girly happy thoughts. Yeah, WAY better stories than me! Oh, well. I'll get over it.

After set painting, I went to...YAY! The Orthodontist! Now isn't that just the best place on earth? Absolutely...*pause* Okay! After that, I went home. My mom told me I wasn't allowed to make any noise whatsoever...she wanted the afternoon alone to herself to...clean? Yeah...hmmm....So I stayed in my room, carried around my discman and rearranged the entire place, just like I said I would! It took me up until about an hour ago to finish it...good glory! Yeah, know what else? The house, looks just as messy. What did she clean?? I missed it. I was called down to make dinner, but I casually disappeared to do laundry instead. Unwilling to wait for me to eat, they made the spaghetti themselves. I was so proud! *laughs* My room looks smaller, but it's cozy. Well...yeah. Bor-ing! See? Nothing interesting. I only got yelled at twice by my parents today...hmmm...tomorrow more set painting. There's a project to keep my busy. Well! Maybe something great will happen tomorrow, eh? Over and out...yo.

You know what's rather alarming? You're sleeping on a couch in someone else's house. While dozing, you smell something a little...different. You crack your eyes open, and there's a black lab like...nose to nose with you! Scared me to death!! So, that was interesting. What did you do last night? Ha, as if you can answer me. I watched the Oscars, talked to people on line, including Sunnie, which is always fun! We never get to do that, because she lives down the fall from me. *laughs* Hope the medical procedures she was conducting last night went well. *HAHA!!*

So I watched the Oscars, like I said. YAY for Catherine Zeta-Jones!!! Best supporting actress, baby! She's one of my all time favorites, and she was so incredibly good in "Chicago" !! I love her voice. I wanna be her when I grow up! Although, I think I'd...yeah I wouldn't go down the Michael Douglas road, but that's just me. Anyway, ever since last night, I've had "I Move On" stuck in my head! That's the song from "Chicago" that was up for best song, that Queen Latifah and Catherine Zeta-Jones performed at the awards. I love that song *grins* I of course have the soundtrack, so that makes me happy.

"I Move On"

Chicago

While truckin down the road of life

Although all hope seems gone

I just move on

When I can't find a single star

To hang my wish upon

I just move on

I move on

I run so fast

A shot gun blast

Can hurt me not one bit

I'm on my toes

Cause heaven knows

A moving target's hard to hit

So as we play

In life's ballet

We're not the dying swan

We just move on

We move on

Just when it seems

We're out of dreams

And things have got us down

We don't despair

We don't go there

We hang our bonnets out of town

So there's no doubt

We're well cut out

To run life's marathon

We just move on

We just move on

So fleet of foot

We can't stay put

We just move on

Yes, we move on

Well, I really hope today is a good day. After the dog woke me up, my nose started bleeding, so I couldn't fall back to sleep. So...we shall see what we see. I hope nothing bad happens! I'm still in a good mood! *laughs* Well, I'm gonna try to find something to do...Kelly is next door at the group home she works at (cuz I'm still at her boss's house) and she works from 6am-9am. Then it's off to set painting! Woo-hoo! *haha*. So, we'll see what we see when we see it. Later!

Here I am again, making another entry. Why? I'm not sure. Nothing particularly interesting happened. Except...well, maybe it did. Okay. So I went to church with Lurae today. I met some new people and they were all really nice. Wasn't nearly as exclusive as Eagle Brook always was. I honestly enjoyed myself. When I got home however, the house was still really messy. I decided I needed to hide in my room for awhile, and pretend I had a project. My room is probably going to be rearranged soon. Whenever I get restless and unsatisfied, I have to change my room. Strange, isn't it? It makes me really happy though. And it's actually something that I have quite a bit of confidence in. Everyone who has ever entered my tribute to me...(my room) they have said that it is like...the "coolest room" they've ever seen. Well, not everyone has said that. But enough to make me really appreciate my decorating abilities! *smiles* Especially Joel Mathias...thanks honey :)

So! My room will change soon. Tomorrow maybe? Maybe not. I have set painting tomorrow. Or maybe it's make-up practice. Same thing, eh? Then...lucky me. Orthodontist! YAY! Not that bad. They like my stories there. *laughs* Yeah, because I talk even when they're poking my teeth with random orthodontist tools...Well, we'll talk about tomorrow tomorrow, shall we? Shall I anyway...I shall. So!

Yeah, today I went to church. I went home, messy messy. Needed a project...I cleaned off my two white boards so they would look less random, and nwo I don't know what to write on them. Something intelligent...any ideas anyone? What else did I need ideas for....oh yeah! I LOVE making collages. Did you know that? Now you do. I'm really really good at it! I make them for presents. All you choir people? Oh yeah, man. I made that Atlanta collage. And then I stole it last week...hahaha. I wanted it back! Anyway, I have this HUGE piece of cardboard...perfect thing to make a cool collage on. But what should I make a collage of? That's my pathetic dilemma...I need a project, and a huge collage would be the perfect thing. Ideas?? E-mail me. So!

I accomplished no project today. Kelly came and picked me up and took me to her boss's house (she's house sitting) and I chatted online with Tim and Jessi for a long time...which I don't get to do at home. I quite enjoyed myself. Then I watched some of the oscars, then I continued to, while writing this entry...woo! Someone just won an award or something...hmmm...NOW, I'm waiting for Sunnie to come on line, because there's something I just HAVE to tell her. I'm in a pretty good mood. Why? Because I haven't been home really, for two days. *YAY* Not only that, but I had a simply wonderful conversation with Jessi. I love you, I love you, I love you times a million and one! It was fun re-living theater memories with you tonight. THEATER SISTERS FOREVER!! Yeah, baby!

Okay. With that said, there's a serious confession I have to make. My absolute FAVORITE CD of this moment...is none other than Nick Carter's "Now or Never". His first solo album, and it's just simply fantastic. Even if you've never liked him, there's a song for everybody on that CD! Feel like yelling and screaming like Nikki and I did this past Saturday? Listen to "Blow Your Mind" and hit a bunch of pillows! Makes you feel better. Need a mushy you mean the world to me kind of song? "I Got You" is one of the best ever. Wanna tell everyone that it's time you just do your own thing? "I Stand For You" is perfect. Ugh...I just love it. I love it so so so so much! Just ask Lurae...it came out a long time ago, and I still keep it forever in my 3-disc changer. I was never a Nick fan, but I am TOTALLY a fan of this CD. There's only one song I don't like. "Girls of the USA"--it's just silly. It's...dumb. I admit it. But I love all the other ones! I do I do I do! In fact, I'm gonna include the lyrics to one of my favorites in here, because I can! Why? Because I can! And that's that.

"I Got You"

Nick Carter

People tell me you stay where you belong

But all my life, I've tried to prove them wrong

They say I'm looking for

Something that can't be found

They say I'm missing out

My feet don't touch the ground

But there are moments when you can't deny what's true

Just an ordinary day like when I met you

It's funny how life can take new meaning

When you came and changed what I believed in

The world on the outside's trying to pull me in

But they can't touch me

Cause I got you...

I want to thank you for all of the things you've done

But most for choosing me to be the one

It's funny how life can take new meaning

When you came and changed what I believe in

The world on the outside's trying to pull me in

But they can't touch me

Cause I got you...

And it hits me when I reach for you

That I'm afraid you won't be there

Maybe I am in too deep

But I don't care...

....they can't touch me cuz, I Got You

Yeah, so there ya go! I was rather surprised that people tell me they actually read this, but it makes me happy too. I want people to know me. Really know me. Yeah! Well, I'm out for now peoples. Later tators.

I look in the mirror, and I appear to be overwhelmingly tired. I would never suggest otherwise. I know how tired I am, I just can't remember why anymore...I have a big problem. Like I mentioned earlier, I fall under the same spell as everyone else in the world. I always want what I can't have. However, it just feels like I don't have so much, that everything I want appears to be impossible.

Yesterday was the day after my big episode. I don't know if I should feel bad about telling the truth like that or not. I'm just scared of it turning out like it always has before. Honestly, who could blame me? It seems sometimes when you allow people to know what you're afraid of, they can use it against you. Most times it's unintentional. I'm just too...scared of everything.

Yesterday, the slightly better about the world feeling I had momentarily after talking to Tim, was completely gone. I was incredibly restless, and couldn't stay in the house. I went downstairs, and the house that I had just cleaned was completely trashed. I knew in just a few minutes, my mother would make her grand appearance at the top of the stairs and instruct me as to my "chores" *cough, slave labor* for the day.

Without a plan, a goal, a destination..I grabbed my discman and a CD, pulled my shoes on, and was out the door. Alas, it is my only way of getting around. I just started walking. I walked for hours. Every time there was a possibility of turning, I would turn. The blisters on my feet were forgotten for awhile, but nothing else was. I spent the whole time thinking about everything. I had such a headache by the end of the walk, I couldn't handle it.

I ended up stopping at Lurae's house. How I got there, I have no idea. I was up by Cub, and then down town White Bear? Hmmm.... anyway. Nikki happened to be there, and I filled them in rather quickly as to why I had been walking all morning...I had left at 8am, and it was after noon by the time I got to Lurae's.

Anyway, eager to make my brain stop working overtime, Lurae and I ended up going to The Mall Of America...just to get ride bands for Camp Snoopy. Lurae and I hadn't seem each other for months, and we fell back into place as if not a day had gone by. We talked girly topics as we rode the "really scary" roller coaster...and I laughed. But after every laugh, every turn, ever fake yelp of fear...my brain would automatically return to the things I wanted to stop thinking about. It was torture!

After the mall, we went and visited Lurae's mom in the hospital. My mind and emotions betrayed me again as I found my head to be completely clouded with seemingly unwanted thoughts. There are some things though, that you tell yourself you don't want to think of... but their pleasant thoughts! You don't want to think of them BECAUSE they're pleasant, and you don't want to think of things that you can't have. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Like we had never missed a beat, Lurae invited me to sleepover. God bless her for trying, but after actually not being home ALL DAY, I still felt...bad. Nothing had changed. I got to leave the nightmare for awhile, but return to it everyday. The nightmare isn't just "home" and the people in it... it's everything. Everything and nothing.

We ended up inviting Tim to come hang out with us, but he couldn't. It was too late. We did girly forget about your problems and don't talk about guys things, liky dying Lurae's hair. Yes, it was a first for me, but it turned out okay! Then we munched on some stuff, (after realizing no...I hadn't eaten for about 3 days....) Then decided to watch "Signs" since Lurae had never seen it. Yeah...she fell asleep half an hour into it. And then we went to bed! That brings me to now. I'm laying on her bottom bunk at 7:30 am, my brain constantly luring me into a slew of emotions and...feelings! *growls* And I can't stand it. The thought I currently hate the most? That no matter how many times you tell yourself you DON'T need someone else to make you happy....yeah, you're lying. You do! Well, at least I do. I need a someone....*sigh* Oh well. You can't miss what you never had, right? Then how come I do?

Well, in half an hour we'll get up and get ready for church. Maybe that's what I really need right now. It doesn't seem like it...I feel like I know what I need (as unattainable as it is) So! I suppose I will...write even MORE later! So, yo. Peace out home slice.