My mom fell out of bed today, and smashed her head/face on the floor. She is extremely swollen, and her lip was cut...so there was a lot of blood. Lots of red, black and blue.

She was instantly ill and sleepy, so we're thinking she has a concussion. I stopped the bleeding as best I could. She just keeps crying and crying. We're taking her to the ER now. With the problems she had with her head before, we can't be too careful. She hit her head HARD.

When I was rinsing the blood out of a rag again and again to clean off her face, I just couldn't get over how calm I was. The blood was mixing with the water, turning into a dull brown, the bright red fading away. It swirled around in the white sink and disappeared. Again and again I rung it out, drenched it in cold water to numb the pain. Cleaning out blood clots from her mouth, and the blood running down her chin and neck. Her tears mixed with the blood and dripped onto her night gown. I shushed and calmed her like I would a child. She held onto my wrist and squeezed it.

I pushed her hair back off her forehead and helped her into bed. I propped her up on pillows and tucked her in. Sunnie placed an ice pack on the side of her face, and I held the wash cloth up to her mouth. She cried and moaned, and talked about all of the horrible things that have happened to her.

The tears were sitting at the back of my throat, making it ache with sorrow. You just have to swallow it back and keep on talking. Be calm, be collected, but keep talking. Keep her calm, keep her collected.

"You have a life to lead, Mama. YOU have to lead it, not fear. It's okay to be scared, but you cannot let it lead your life. That's your job. Life doesn't stop being a gift just because it changes. Treasure your gift, Mama. And make sure you're living it."

All these things she's heard before. She still nods, she still says "Yes. Yes." Then she moans out "Oh, Jesus. Help me, Jesus. Why Lord, why? Why me? Why now? Why again?"

I push her hair back again, and dab at the blood around her mouth while wiping her tears away. "Every life is different. Every plan is different. No two people are alike. God has a plan for each one of us. Let go and let God, Mama."

"I know, Corrie. I know. I have."

"No, Mama. If you have, you wouldn't be asking why. Let go and let God, Mama. Let go and let God." Then the racking sobs ensue. I hold her hand and stroke her shoulder. She leans against me and says over and over again "I'm so tired. I'm so scared. I'm so tired. I'm so scared."

"I know, Mama. But you're not alone. You're okay. You're not alone. We're all here with you, and we love you."

All these things she knows by heart, but always has to hear them. She told me once before that she needs me around simply to tell her every day that everything is going to be all right. I told her I can't do that. But I guess I'll do it today.

I feel numb. How many more things can happen before I just stop reacting? I know how to handle it, I know how to put on a brave face and do what i have to do. The night I called the ambulance was pretty much the first time in my life I experienced true panic. I've never been so NOT calm in my entire life.

Well, off I go now. Your prayers are always welcome. Thank you.

I once played well the role of experiencing true delight,
When it was time to close my eyes in surrender to the night.
But now when light grows dim, no solace lies within this weary mind
Night once was kind.


I hate this. It's a curse! If only I could fall asleep first. Then there would be no more tell tale signs of paranoia, feasting mercilessly on my already deteriorating mind. It was in my past, it lingers in my present, and appears to be waiting for me ominously in my future. If the minutes were but a minute longer, I wouldn't have to be tortured by the silences. If the light would hold out for another moment more, before the closing of the door, everything would be all right. But then comes the night.


Why is this such a plague? A flag to stand up and declare that it's not fair. Don't tell me to sleep well, while in destrutive thoughts I dwell. This is HELL!

I hate today. Quote a distant memory, far away. Now brought back, here to stay.

Just stay awake with me. Open your eyes and tell me lies, I don't care. But this isn't fair. You act surprised? Ha! Let's compromise.

I feel it less than before. Should I feel more? Who knows? Things dwindle down, but then they grow. Hmm...I suppose....

What do I do now?


I sleep. Except I don't. I won't. Not my choice, it's the ever present voice. The voice of what? Of me... of fears through years of tears. AHHH! Be quiet and say something! Open your ears!

There are thoughts in my head, I wish they were dead. Am I boring you? I'm boring me. I'm boring too...that's what's been said.

There's always a fear that when near, I'm worse than far away as some might say. Blah blah blah, and seize the day. Anyway...who's to say you'd do it better? You'd write a letter.

I don't have to make sense as my mind ferments. I don't have to write songs that just prolong the inevitable. Everyone is a little bit crazy, their ambitions lazy. I for one have crossed a giant bridge, teetered endlessly on the rocky ridge, waiting to fall, but floating mysteriously above the nothing. The nothing waits to suck you in. and maybe someday I'll let it again. Ignorance is bliss, you hit or miss...or just miss on purpose. It's tempting no? So...

I think I'll go now. I'm more tired than I'll admit. It feels good to rant awhile, that's my style. I'll be okay tomorrow. Actually...I'll be perfect by this afternoon. So soon? Of course! It's right.

But then comes night....

I thought I'd start with another picture. That was was just sent to me by Andi's mom. It was taken at his daughter's birthday party. (it was VERY windy) She turned 2!! It was very easy to fall in love with her. If only everything in life were that easy.

MOVING ON! How am I?

Weird. Another day off. My hip still hurts! For I am old...

I don't know what the crap I did to myself, but whenever I look down and bend my neck...I get a sharp agonizing pain in my thigh/hip area. It's driving me CRAZY!

After today, I work Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and then off to Chicago I go! I am excited. Very excited. I think this trip will accomplish a lot! One of the classes I'm taking is how to form a solid drama team. I definitely need that!

Well, I'm off to do some laundry and some equally mundane household tasks. Mayhaps I shall find inspiration along the way for another commercial! I shall not discuss them here...there are spies everywhere! But that money shall be MINE! Or ours...depending on if you help me...whoever you may be.

GOODBYE!

I have forgotten to mention something! I have gone back to somewhat blonde! And since I had nothing better to do today, I took pictures of myself! So, here you go!






I think I may go even lighter in the not too distant future. It's fun to play! Today was weirder than yesterday. In the middle of the night last night, I rolled over and hear a loud pop in my hip. I'm an old woman again! Instant pain shot all the way down my leg, and my knee started to throb as well. I got up and hobbled around, because there was no possibility of getting comfortable. The walking pretty much made it worse, so sleep just...stopped.

I went to work, opened the store, and couldn't believe how much my leg hurt! It was excruciating! Dear sweet Megan took pity on me and switched shifts, to get me out 2.5 hours early. I went home and massaged my leg awkwardly...heh...and then put those warm rice packs on it. It's still sore, but it feels like a dull cramp now. I don't know what I did, but I hope I don't do it again!

I napped a little, took a shower, straightened my hair and took boredom pictures. Now the day is coming to an end... Andi is on his way over, and then we're going to the bike shop, then maybe a movie. I dunno. We shall see!

So that's all for now.

TTFN!

I feel strangely. Today was my first day off in like a week, and I felt completely lost. I spent the night at Andi's, unable to fall asleep for way too long. I woke up way too early and went home. The house and everyone in it was still asleep, so I poured myself some cereal and went up to my room.

I let myself get sucked into a TV DVD (The OC season four, if you must know) until I fell asleep around 9:30 am. I slept until noon! It was very strange. I woke up, and felt horrible. Something has been...off about me lately.

After getting up, suffering some stomach problems, and cleaning the kitchen...I returned to my room to watch the rest of the OC. My mind went crazy with comparisons as one character tried endlessly to manipulate another into saying he loved her. It was kinda funny to think back how scary those words were to me. "I LOVE YOU". I couldn't say it back to BJ for quite a long time. He would say it, and I would either hang up, change the subject, or pretend like it was never said. The whole love thing probably means a litle too much to me anyway. It's a big deal! Too often is "I LOVE YOU" said in passing or casual conversation. When I say it, I mean it. I really do. Hark! I am reminded of a Moffatts song.

"Say'n I love you, is the hardest thing to do. But if I ever do, girl I'll always be true..." HA! Corn. And cheese! CHEETOS! Enjoy. For they are crunchy.

After the OC was finished, I showered and then played with some of Sunnie's hair products...none of which I know how to use, but thought I would try anyway.

Then I went to Target and spent money I don't have on things I don't need. I'm very good at that!

Then alas, here I am. Back at Andi's... he's not home yet. It's just me, Darla and Kelly. I put away his laundry and turned on a movie. (WS R&J!!!!) I just feel weird. My stomach won't leave me alone, and my head feels detached.

I have nothing real to write about, this is what I now realize. I am a boring person. No! No I'm not, I'm fantastic. I just feel strange. Life is stretching forward pointing toward a new path, but I just don't know if it's the right one. The life I'm living now is full of holes. How do I fill them? What do I fill them with? Do I fill them at all? BLAH!!!!!

So now I quit. Quit what? I have no idea. I'm not making any sense. So... that's my cue to run away! It's when I start making sense that I run even further still! It's never easy. Goodbye!