Who am I?

I'm Jean Valjean! No, not really. Bahaha--- apparently I've been listening to that soundtrack a bit too much. Ahem. Start over.

Who am I? What type of person am I? What type of friend am I? I've been analyzing these questions a lot lately.

Sometimes I think too much about the relationships in my life, and start seeing myself in a very negative light. The reasoning being simply that so many things have gone sour with so many different people, that it must be my fault. Is it though?

I was talking with a friend today, and I was insinuating that perhaps I was just a bad, non-enjoyable pitiful person, and no one had the guts to tell me so. I compared it to those unfortunate contestants on American Idol who waltz in thinking they're outstanding, when really their friends and family have been lying to them forever to spare their feelings. She wholeheartedly laughed at my scenario, assuring me that I was one of her favorite people, and she wasn't just saying that. What is it then? What?

Well, the answer is awful, but simple. Let's say you're my friend, and you have a situation in which you have to make a decision. Whatever decision you make, the outcome will cause one of your friends to get hurt. 99.9% of the time, these friends choose me to be the one who will get hurt. Why? Well, because I know how to get hurt. I know how to be hurt. I know how to forgive hurt, and I know how to get over it. Bigger things have happened in my lifetime, so it's fair to say that the choice of wounding me would seem far less catastrophic. The hurt you might inflict on the other friend would be something that would rank as something life altering to them, whereas with me... eh... I've been through SO much worse. Go for it. Wound me.

Is that how your mind works? It's the only way I can rationalize it. There is no other way.

I've been a phenomenal friend. That's why they cry to me. That's why they trust me. That's why when they need to talk to someone, they know I will be here. I will always be here. As much as I would like to think otherwise, I doubt that would ever change. I could never ever abandon someone who needed me. That's part of the problem. That's the biggest reason why I'm still here. Stuck. Trapped. Standing still.

I'm the friend who will spend money I don't have on gas for my broken vehicle to drive six hours just to help you clean your house.

I'm the friend who will fight your battles and defend you to the end when someone hurts you.

I'm the friend who will do everything I can to take your hurt away, hold you when you cry, crack jokes until you crack a smile, and talk you through all of your doubts and fears.

I am the friend whom you have trusted with your fantasies.

I am the friend who counts out saved quarters at Wal-Mart to buy yarn to make you a one of a kind gift. 

I am the friend who will listen to your constant complaints about your Mom, even though all I can think about is how fortunate you are to have a Mom to complain about.

I am the friend who is honored that you have chosen me to be your friend. I am honored and grateful, and always here.

I am the friend who as she writes this, is struggling. I am struggling and I am sad. I want to be able to trust like you trust, but I can't. It isn't there. I want to forget all of it, but you remember one thing, and you remember everything. Remember?

"How do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart? It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out til you're torn apart."

I tried to let you go once. You cried and begged me not to. You said you didn't want to be let go. I was too important. You loved me too much. It could have been over way back then. It could have ended and you wouldn't have had to feel the doubt and guilt that drove you into silence. It wasn't necessary.

I know I'm holding onto somedays, what-ifs and maybes. What are you holding onto? Why did you hold onto me? What am I giving you that you can't live without? Why am I important? Why do you love me...and why is it different? You love me different.

I'm a light in this world. Jesus told me so. I have spoken words He gave me, and I have changed lives. If that's why you hold on, you know those words were not mine. You don't need me to have Jesus. I got to help Him save you, that's all. He did all the work, I was there. Is that why I'm here? I don't need to be here anymore.

It's so unfair when your mind just dumps out memory after memory after memory. It's a waterfall. How do you stop a waterfall? You don't. It's being endlessly supplied and doesn't look like it's slowing down anytime soon.  I can see and feel every moment, I can smell the rooms and feel the walls. I can see the faces and every speckle on the floor tiles. I remember all of it. Every word, every glance, every whisper. I remember ALL of it. Everything. Not one isolated time, not one event. All of it. Good, bad, up, down-- my mind does not discriminate. Who knew it was all still there? Is it a blessing or a curse? Is this a ramble or an entry? Do I make sense or am I one step closer to decorating the walls of my cell with my own feces? Lovely visual, isn't it? Haha.

It's not up to me. Jesus, just take it all, and take it away. Erase my memory. I wouldn't mind. It would be okay.

Tomorrow is another day.

The human brain is an obnoxious thing. True, it's completely miraculous when you consider the logistics of it. The actual physical brain is phenomenal... but the cycle of thought and emotion manipulation is completely unnecessary.

I have had so many moments of epiphany, and I think "Ah-hah! This is it! I've figured it out! This is why I have felt the way I have, and why it doesn't matter! I am moving beyond this, and I am healthy and I am adjusted, and I am normal."

Then it changes on me... I'm flooded with doubts and insecurities and questions. Why did this happen? Why DIDN'T this happen? Why did they say that? Why didn't they say this? Why am I this person to them one minute, and this person the other? Why was I okay with all of it before, and now I want to scratch out my eyeballs and become a life-long hermit??

I can effectively convince myself that I am exactly who I want to be to each and every person in my life. I can believe that I am where I need to be, and I am truly happy. I can imitate being content without even realizing it's an imitation. I can accept change and roll with it. That is until there's a trigger...

Then I'm instantly transported back to where I thought I had escaped from. I remember everything. Every word, every emotion, every look. I remember how it felt here on the outside. Here from across the street, wondering why I wasn't good enough. Why I'm still not good enough. Why I'll never be good enough.

I believe God orchestrates more than just your future spouse into His plan. He selects friends and loved ones to hold and support you through your life journey. He connects hearts and souls for so many reasons other than Holy matrimony. There are people in my life for a reason. There are people that no matter how much hurt or confusion is introduced through them -- I cannot let go. He attached our very beings, and we're stuck together for good. The tough part to swallow is to realize that their reasons and purposes for being in MY life, are different than my reasons and purposes for being in THEIR lives. That doesn't seem fair... I can't help but feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick in these situations. It sucks.

I know there are reasons for these people. That's for sure... but how do I manage to get rid of this constant nagging feeling that I have to keep pushing to prove myself? Prove that I deserve the same status in their lives that they have in mine? That was OBVIOUSLY not God's plan, but I can't get rid of this feeling. It's been around for over a decade, and I feel like it's eating away my internal organs. It's manifested into an actual physical pain.

There was a group of us in high school. More specifically a trio. That trio became a duo, and I fought for different... fought like a crazy person. Turned a little crazy, actually... it didn't happen. My Mom got sick and the whole world fell off its axis and never got right again. Yes, I know I was 16... but they're all still friends. Just not friends with me.

College happened, not for me... but I am totally okay with that. I wouldn't trade those years I had with my Mom for anything. I know I missed the opportunity of forging the type of relationships I wish I had now, but I had a bigger purpose. I'm honored and positive that it was part of God's plan for me. Now I can handle more than I ever thought possible. Because I handled more than I ever thought possible. Boom.

There have been so many gut wrenching fights and arguments over the years over this tired topic, but I can't help it. It's not going away. We're here for a reason, and we're STILL here for a reason, and it hurts for a reason. You're that important, and I'm just different. I'm a different important. I don't want to be, but I can't change it. Lord knows I've tried. Over, and over, and over, and over again.

I wish His plan would have included a Greta. I don't have a real one. I have bits and pieces in different people, so I put them all into one person. A fictional person. Having written Granted for my own amusement in the first place, it was like I had a secret friend. The friend I envied, the beautiful friend. But she was also snarky and witty, and never let Talie get away with F.I.N.E. They had sleepovers and shared all their secrets. When there was a death in the family, Greta was there, banging down the bathroom door when Talie was sobbing in the shower. I didn't have a person like that at all. Sometimes it's a crushing weight to realize just how badly I wish my fiction were my reality. Not just because of the handsome Wish Giver... ha. Because everyone deserves a Greta. I feel like I've been a Greta. On-call Greta. Just not the gorgeous and continuously sought after part. I'm not that.

Everything was great. I thought. We had come full circle. I thought. It was my turn. I thought. Well, Lord. We know what your plan for me in these relationships ISN'T... so if you could, I would love to see what it IS.

This is my prayer.

Over and out.

I'm moving to Canada.

I wish...

A friend of mine made a very compelling argument the other day, as to why Canada would be a great idea. I disagreed with exactly none of it. It would be remarkable... I would get to start over. A new place, new friends, new surroundings, new COUNTRY. (Not to mention free health care.) The pictures he showed me were nothing short of my own personal paradise. I would happily live in Canada.

God can give very clear indications of his will for you. A lot of times that path travels directly alongside that of another person. This is what I was shown. This is what I believe. This is what I am working towards. The problem comes when your interpretations of God's timing and God's will are different than those whose path is meant to become one with yours. How do you deal with that? How do you convince someone of your own personal truth, when they have their own as well?

I'm letting doubt come visit a little too often these days, but it's so easy to do when you find yourself in seclusion. There are few souls to confide in completely, at least as far as available souls are concerned. If Dodger could talk, oh the stories he'd tell...

I feel like I'm a yo-yo. Jerked around a little bit in too many different directions. Yes, no, maybe, true, false, undecided, wait, go, jump, sit still, listen, talk, do, don't.. maddening. Simply maddening. It would be one thing if it was coming from one source, but no. There are multiple people yanking my yo-yo string. Knock it off.

"I'm lost. I'm a lost toy!"

I need a plan. There is a lot of mental health that can stem from hope. I know God has a plan, but I also know that he's not just going to drag me. I have to do the walking. So often I hear of people talking about God's will and God's timing... all of this is relevant. However I also feel as if some people view that as an excuse. "If God wants it to happen, it will." Yes, sort of. God gave me the gift of writing. Hopefully His plan for me is to be a writer. It very well could be. However... if I never wrote anything, his plan would not come into fruition. We have our share of work to do. We can't just sit there and wait for things to happen. It doesn't work that way.

God can build us a boat, put it in the water, point it in the right direction, but we have to row it ourselves. This is also why he gave us free will. Yes, he has a very specific plan for each of us. This is why he truly rejoices when we actually follow it. FOLLOW it. That means moving. Not waiting.

No more waiting, Corrie. It's time for you to get a life and live it. LIVE! God wants you to LIVE! Why else would he have created you? To sit at home and watch Castle on DVD? Unlikely.

Hope is powerful, and it's easy to fall into hopelessness. It's easy to feel like you're on your own and have no human support. Even if it's true, it doesn't mean it has to STAY true.

Step one, get out of Dad's house. It's toxic and it's killing me. Both physically and metaphorically. I entered with good intentions, but he's not interested in improving anything. I would go on to list other steps, but step one is the biggest hurdle to get over. If I can figure out how to do that, I'm on my way!

The biggest barrier to successfully completing step one is $$$$$$$. Of course. Having been denied individual health care, while having my share of health problems, you can imagine that seeking healthcare comes with a pretty hefty price tag. As much as I tried to pretend that I did not need medical attention, I was forced to relent. I chose to not die, and that's going to cost me. Boo.

I need solid, reciprocated relationships. I need a very sturdy foundation. I've failed repeatedly at establishing these things in the past, so I really need to make that happen. I don't think of that as a step so much as a necessity. I need to be on the same page with people, instead of reading two separate books. You are this person to me, and I am this person to you. There is no gray area or fair weather anything. Only truth. None of the... "you are this person to me for the time being, but that will change. It has changed, and it will change again. I have real people for that." Most people have permanent people fixtures, but I do not. Not yet. I will.

I need to be able to free my mind from worry and simply create. God created me, and he created creativity, and I'm grateful for the words I constantly have floating around in my head. Pen to paper, fingers to keyboard. They must come out and tell their stories.

I have stories to tell, places to see with my own eyes, and people to fall in love with. I'm supposed to be far too busy to sit still. God's list of awesome opportunities is ready, and I plan on snatching it up and running. I don't think it's running away if you're running toward your mountaintop. He has it all ready up there... He knows. I promise I won't take any shortcuts, but it's not as far away as I've been lead to believe.

Time to go.