Today was...fun. To sum it up, I'm not scared of Anthony anymore. Frankly, his lack of ability to make a latte aside, he's a pretty nice guy. I have to back up.

I went to work this morning, feeling absolutely horrid. I kept coughing in the car, but I had nightmares all night about what would happen if I missed two days in a row. SO! I got there, waited for the "shiftie" and nobody showed. Dang it. So, I let myself in, checked the schedule, realized Elke had the day off, and Kate was the one who was supposed to open with me. Little hiccup...

A few days ago, Kate turned in her two weeks notice. Perfect! So, my guess? She woke up late, figured 'screw it, I'm quitting anyway' and fell back to sleep. Well, I had 15 minutes til open, and only half the work done, couldn't get ahold of Elke, which meant I had no access to cash drawers. I was so ill, and so mad, and so...tired. Tired of the whole thing! Finally, the phone rang, and there was Elke.

I pretty much started to cry as I told her "I can't do this today. I'm not okay. I'm gonna end up in the hospital!" Okay, maybe a little exaggerated, but at the time, I had to sit on the floor just so I could catch a breath.

I opened solo, and Lauren and Ashley got there not a moment too soon. They're my two new favorites. They're so amazing...anyway. I was in tears when they got there, I had been running around, and was coughing so disgustingly and gasping for air...I'm sure I freaked them out. Friday is our busiest day by far, and I just kept saying "I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do..." typically you have 5-7 people on in the morning. We had three. I couldn't do drive-thru, because I couldn't talk. We were all running around like c razy people, and I was about to collapse.

To sum things up, I survived. Elke got there, and about half an hour later the 6:30 people got there. Anthony was scheduled to come pass out coupons (because we're closing the drive-thru for a few days) but he ended up working behind the counter instead.

Elke was either trying to be really nice to me, or she didn't want to get in trouble for having someone as sick as myself actually working. SO! She had me in the back folding towels for about an hour. Anthony came back there, found out I was sick, and asked me if I was going home. I kind of gave him the "can I do that?" look, so he told me to just let Elke know. I told him I felt guilty for being paid to fold towels, and he said "Somebody's got to do it. It has to get done eventually. Sit back and relax, don't worry about it." -- hmmm...he likes me!

Even though Elke seems to like me, I'm still afraid of her. So, I worked my butt off for awhile, and had to keep running in the back for little coughing spasms. Anthony heard one and told me I should leave. I told him I didn't know how... so he went and told Elke that I was going home. I got ready to leave, and I said "I'm sorry" to Elke, and she said "You should have just come to me." So, she felt like she had gotten in trouble I guess. Argh. Oh, well. They need me.

So I went home at 9! Two whole hours early. YAY! I ate breakfast and watched cartoons with Jamie, and then I took a nap. It was glorious. Then i woke up, got the house to myself, watched a weird movie on IFC, and then Sarah called.

I got all the details about her new baby girl! It is my pleasure to announce the arrival of:

Haylie Marie Olson-Shafer, born Tuesday, June 7th at 11:37pm. She weighed 7lbs and 7oz, and was 20 inches long.

Sarah has told me I'm going to be a big part of Haylie's life, but we'll see. It's weird, really. It was strange to hear a baby whimper in the background, and hear Sarah say "Shh, mommy's got you." In my mind, we're still in 8th grade drooling over Leonardo DiCaprio and competing over who could see Titanic the most before it left the theaters. She's still the kid that made music videos with me on the roof, and she's the girl who camped out in the backyard with me. It really doesn't seem that long ago, and that's mostly because it wasn't. Everything changed so fast. I hope she'll be okay.

Anyway, not much else happened today. I got attacked by a lightsaber while on the phone with BJ, that was pleasant...I played sequence! It was me and Sunnie against Dad and Paul. Nobody beats my dad. Why do I even bother? I need a better partner. Te-he-he. No offense, Sunnie!

So that's about where I am now. Sunnie and Paul went to the new Cold Stone Creamery next door to the White Bear Township theater. I've only been to the one in TMOA and Riverdale. It's good stuff, it is indeed. (BJ-- Do they have Cold Stone Creamery in Alabama? Hmm...)

So...that's all for now. Tomorrow I have to close. I've never done that before! We'll see how that goes. Should be interesting. Bye!

Me!

Yucky. I hate sick days. True, you get to stay in bed all day, but it gets so boring! You have nothing better to do than realize just how crappy you really feel. It was a weird day.

Nobody called to harass me, so I guess that's a good thing. I still woke up at five, because I'm programmed. At first I thought I was late. I dozed off a few times, but couldn't really sleep. Then the weird stuff happened...

My mom kept calling my cell phone from the livingroom because she wanted me to come watch "The View". They were doing a segment on irregular periods. Okay, wake up your ill daughter for that why don't you? SO I went back to bed. Then, she brought me breakfast in bed at around 11:30. Uh...what? I must have been dreaming. But no! She brought me scrambled eggs, a cinnamon bagel from Panera (Which if you haven't experienced, you really should...) a bowl of sliced oranges, a glass of grape juice, and a tea pot, tea cup, and three types of tea to choose from. All I could do was blink. I was literally stunned. I wanted to get out my camera and document the occasion. It was like having my mom from 15 years ago make a brief comeback.

She disappeared a few hours later when she asked me t o clean out the refridgerator. Boring, loneely day really. But BJ just called! So...bye!

This should be short. I'm in bed with Sunnie's laptop. Why? I'm sick. I'm really sick, actually. I can't talk. I try, and people tell me to shut up. But in a good way...hehehe. I still went to work today. I hope I infected people. Hahaha.

I got home today and slept for awhile. After a not so fun conversation with my mom. She's like, asking me about certain plans I may or may not have for the future. She's questioning a future that might not even exist at the moment, but she's afraid it isn't good enough. BAH! Crazy woman. She wants me to start managing the family finances, so I'll be better prepared. What kind of sense does that make? I'm not going to go to an immediate family of five, so whatever. It will be totally different!

Oh, well. It was fun...not. So, I slept, and eveerything kept getting progressively worse. Now, I'm just really sick. Between Mom, Dad, and BJ...the three of them forbid me from going to work tomorrow. My dad is legitimately afraid that I'm working myself to death, because I always seem to be sick. Can't say it isn't true...I am sick a lot. It's the Caribou Death Plan. Only $65 out of every pay check! Hahaha. So, what did the parentals do?

After forbidding me from working, dad called and left a message on Elke's phone, and mom called Caribou and left a message with whoever w as in charge at the moment. Probably Karley. Should be interesting come tomorrow morning. I don't doubt that my phone will ring at 5:30am. Even BJ was offering to call. It's nice to be looked out for. I haven't slept in in over a month...I wonder if I know how... we'll find out!

I guess that's all for now. I'm supposed to be sleeping... dad just came home with two giant bottles of cough syrup. They must be tired of listening to me. Haha. Bye!

The one and only

Hey, I'm doing pretty good with this whole keeping up with the journal thing. Not that I really ever have anything interesting to say. It just makes me feel somewhat productive. So anyway. Today!

Caribou is a disease factory. No one can call in sick, so wejust keep trading illnesses. I'm happy to report I've got a brand new one this week! Wee! (BJ if you read this before I talk to you next, please promise not to make fun of me...) I sound absolutely ridiculous. Sunnie is having run retaliating. I made fun of her when she sounded like this about a week ago. Oh, well. I shall survive. Elke better not put me on drive-thru tomorrow! That would be silly. I was on it all day today, and I just kept getting worse. The customers were laughing at me.

After work I fell over on my bed and didn't get up. My mom actually told me to stay in bed and rest. I was shocked! I drifted in and out as my mom yelled things down the stairs to Sunnie over and over again. She does that at all hours! I think I napped for about an hour total.

Sunnie had gone to the grocery store and bought us each something to eat with mom's money (bwa-ha-ha) since there's nothing in the house! Sunnie always does that when mom sends her to the store. She gives her a blank check, and Sunnie throws a few extra things in and conveniently loses the receipt. She's so funny!

After we ate we watched Oprah, and then we talked for awhile. That's rare, so it was nice. She finally came out and told me that it's been bothering her that I've been seeing a little more of Lurae then I was before. But there is a history there, as strained and awkward as it may be. Truth of the matter is, is that you can't have Nikki without Lurae. Not only that, but beggars can't be choosers. I don't see many people, so I appreciate those I do see. They all really like me, so I guess it can't be ALL bad...hehehe.

After that, Sunnie said she was bored, and just like every other time she's ever said that, I suggested a movie. She actually agreed! We went to go see "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants". I just KNEW she'd like it, and I've been trying to convince her of it forever. She really DID like it, and I was victorious. We came home, and here I am.

I was rummaging around in my bottom dresser drawer, the *junk* drawer, and I found the lyrics to the two songs I've written...I'm sure there have been more, but these ones actually had a memorable melody. This one called "What Makes Me", I wrote and played for this one girl, and she said it was the most personal song she had ever heard, and wanted my permission to perform it. It didn't really happen, but I was flattered nonetheless. So here are the lyrics:

Without what makes me me, I am nothing. Without what makes me live, I am dead. Without what makes me soar I am falling, without what makes me light, I am lead.

You are what makes me laugh and I am smiling. You are what gives me hope, now I can try. You are what I believe in, no more crying. You are what gives me strength, now I can fly.

Flying, no longer falling. If I'm falling it's into your arms. Laughing, no longer crying. If I'm crying it's tears of joy.

Without what makes me me, I am nothing.

And I was actually pretty proud of the melody, and the piano part I wrote. I recorded it once...I wonder what happened to that tape. Huh. Anyway! I'm squeaky and exhausted, so I'm gonna go now. But first! I have to find another job. Caribou corporate has decided our store must open earlier. We already open the earliest! I'd have to wake up at 3:30 every day...help me.

Bye!

Curse sunburns. They make me sick. Literally. Made work Hell. I almost fell over a few times. Partly because I kept tripping over the stress mats, but partly because I was just...icky. It was a fun day. I couldn't wait to get home.

So when I got off work, I had to go pick up that cake from my Grandma. I brought it home, and my mom took one look at me and was actually compassionate. "Oh, no! What's wrong with you?" I told her about my sunburn and how it made me ill, and how I just wanted to lay down. I was a little confused when she agreed. When I woke up around 2:30, I realized that she had left me a chore list. Thank goodness! I thought the world was coming to an end. So what did I have to do? Agh...

So. If you've ever been to the Killmer household, we've most likely avoided showing you our f ront closet at all costs. Why? Because it's SCARY. My mom is a shoe fanatic, and a jacket/coat fiend, and no oone else is allowed to have anything in there. But when we leave shoes in the entryway, they just get tosssed in. Pretty soon we have a chest deep mountain of crap.

I was instructed to clean that out today, removing any and all shoes that were not my mother's. That's not fair! We wear shoes too! So we all have to keep our shoes and coats in our rooms, so my mom can have yet another closet to herself. (She kicked my dad out of the one in their room, he has to keep all his stuff in the laundry room. She has the spare closet in Jamie's room, and the front closet is all hers as well.)

The closet is perfect now, thank you. And the laundry is done. I cleaned out my room too! I re-organized my CDs which I've only needed to do for about the past year and a half.

After all my busy work I made dinner, and that's about it. A boring day, really. Now Kris is showing me pictures from when I was in Alabama, so I'm gonna go enjoy those and maybe write more later. Bye!

Me

I was determined to have a good day today. I think I did a pretty good job! Got up early and woke Jamie up. He was only moderately crabby. I made a tiny little breakfast of english muffins and the bottom of a box of raisin bran, and about 1/4 inch of milk in the bottom of the gallon. Wee! There's NO food here! Then we went to church to begin a long day of the car wash fundraiser. Got there by 8am, and had to attend the traditional service...*yawn* I just can't...I find it so hard to focus in there. Just not my cup of tea. So anyway. After that the washing began! I was still exhausted from the week, so I tried...but I always get stuck with the "Ditzy Chicks" they're so annoying!!!

My group of girls a nd myself were at a washing station (There's the money station, pre-rinse, 2 scrubbing stations, post-rinse, and drying) We were washing station #1, and they kept giggling, fighting over who got to wash the butt. We then rotated to the towel dry station, and then we got to go stand on Hwy 61 and hold up car wash signs.

One of the kids f rom another group approached me. (He's 17) and asked me if I would go buy him a pack of cigarettes from the gas station next to the church. I am required to report such behavior to Perry, which I hate...but I had to do. So, needless to say I lost my "Coolest youngest leader" reputation with about a dozen teenage boys. Oh, well!

so, the car wash ended a round 1:30, and then I went home. Got yelled at for somethinig...I wasn't r eally listening. Then I went and took a nap. Then I went to Grammy's! I realized I hadn't eaten in...well, my measly breakfast crumbs aside, I hadn't eaten anything real in about 2 days. So Grammy invited me over for "treats".

We had the best conversation! For once she wasn't defending mom, together we were trying t o come up with ways to live with her and try to understand what goes on inside her head. She told me it feels like she's living with an alcoholic again. She said she's tired of people bringing her down and making her feel bad for everything. She's tired of feeling guilty and making excuses. She's tired of someone insisting she's the victim, and honestly believing that we're always attacking her. Usually Grandma defends my mom to no end, but this time she was just grateful to have me to vent to.

I then shared stories she had never heard, and she was like "How do you survive? You've got it worse than anyone." I told her that I had to laugh about it, or I'd think I was going crazy. It really made me feel less alone.

She told me this one story that almost made my jaw drop off completely. One time my mom called her, and she answered the phone differently, like she was tired or something, so my mom goes "What's wrong? I was in a good mood before, but now you brought me right down when you answer the phone that way." Grandma tried to explain, but inistead mom said "I don't feel like being on the phone right now". and hung up!!!!

Oh goodness. Funny funny. Anyway. Then I was fed! Happy tummy. We watched "Somewhere in Time" which I had never seen, but had heard a lot about it from quite a few people. Then we watched the first half of the Tony Awards (My pal Hugh Jackman was hosting. We go way back) and then I went home. I walked in the door and got crabbed at for not bringing home the chocolate cake Grammy made for us. I'm picking it up tomorrow after work, because the frosting hadn't been made yet. Mom's response? "Now it won't be fresh. Thanks for thinking of your family, Corrie. You could have waited a little while longer. You know I'm really finicky about that kind of stuff. You might as well not pick it up at all."

BAH. Grandma is allergic to chocolate, and she made a triple chocolate cake for us, made with cocoa, chocolate pudding mix, and chocolate chips. Yeah right I won't pick it up! The woman is a saint. She tortures herself. It will be one day old for gosh sake.

So now here I am listening to "Misery" but only because it j ust popped up on my playlist. I love that song. "Misery is what I feel, when you're not around, so I can't heal...the tears on my face are there for you. I wish that I could hold you, touch you, feel you. My heart is bleeding can't you see? I wish that you could hold me, touch me, feel me. When I touch you can you feel it? When I need you, can you give it? When I look in your eyes, can you see me? When I fall fall, will you catch me?" That song made so much happen back in the day! Word.

Ooh, remember the misery moment from the TMOA concert? "Ooh! Look! Jeff took Angel, and look! Scott is glaring. GLARING! Clint says, oh what's wrong? Well, take a look buddy...huh? Wha---oh! WOW!' To most people I'm speaking a foreign language right now. But not to those select few. Bwa-ha-ha! That moment was magic. That whole thing was magic! It felt like I planned it, but I didn't! Anyway...

Kelly just told me she got her job back at Andy's Place! WEE! AND she has a place to live and most likely a car. She's got a plan to start with, and she'll go far. Drama director with me, yippee! Then I can leave it in her hands when I run away...er...leave.

So I think I'm gonna go watch something and get sleepy. I feel good about today...except the sun burned part, that I noticed abouot 2 hours ago. Ick... Well, that's all for now!

TTFN! Ta-ta for now! Unless you're the select few, and then it means something totally different.

Oh! New song popped up! Written and originally sung by John Denver, but wonderfully covered on AI by none other than RJ Helton. One of the best songs ever written! Observe:

You fill up my senses, like a night in the forest, like the mountains in spring time, like a walk in the rain , like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean, you fill up my senses come fill me again.

Come let me love you, let me give my life to you. Let me drown in your laughter let me die in your arms. Let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you. You fill up my senses, come fill me again.

Just thought I'd share! I'm going now...I swear.

C'est moi!

Automatic lie. Nobody REALLY wants to hear the truth when they ask "How are you?" They expect the generic "Good, Fine, Okay, Not bad..." etc. etc. It's an automatic lie. Even if life is terrible, you respond with one of those cookie cutter answers, because honesty is not an option in casual conversation. If it is, chances are it's an unwanted option for the party inquiring after your surface well being. It's a harmless lie really, but sometimes you wish you could throw caution to the wind and tell everyone what's really on your mind. If only you could know without a doubt that they really wanted to hear it.

Oh, well! That's what a journal is for, right? I'm just annoyed with myself today, I think that's all it is. It was a normal day, I don't know why I'm boo-hooing about it.

I worked 5:30-11. It went by really fast. Everyone was making me laugh. Drive-thru was its typical self, but all went well. No disasters. I got to take a turkey sandwich and pasta salad home from the case, but I forgot it in the back fridge. (dang it) After work I went quick to McDonald's across the street to get Megan a double cheeseburger. She was thrilled.

After that, I went home. Mom was still sleeping, but Jamie was up. I had brought him a cooler, so that put him in an appreciative and amiable mood. So, I decided to take advantage of it. He had to go to the Tearoom to tell them the real dates for the Missions Trip. I had to go to Wal-Mart to get a movie poster frame for the Phantom poster BJ bought for me. (Gotta love him!)

So we did that, and then I spent the rest of the money I had to put more gas in mom's car. I just did it two days ago, but she drove everywhere and it was back to empty. Last time she did that with all my gas money, I decided to leave the car as was, and that was a mistake. I never heard the end of my "selfishness" blah blah blah, and how fortunate yet again I was to have a mother like her. So this time I figured I'd start Saturday out right, put mom in a good mood, and put money in the car so she could drive around and waste it all. Yay. Apparently I can do no right.

I got home, and got screamed at for taking the car. I told her i went to go put gas in it, and that wasn't okay. I can't win! I said "You would have been upset if I brought the car home empty." and she said "That's for me to decide! You have to ask!" AHHHHH! She was sleeping!

Yesterday she had told me to work on the laundry, but not to wash any of her stuff. So I did. I ran out of stuff to wash that wasn't hers, so heaven forbid...I did my OWN laundry. (I had no clothes left, it only made sense.) Well, apparently that wasn't okay either.

I was on the phone with BJ at the time. Had she known, she probably would have left me alone. HOWEVER...that was not an option. So she decided to pick the argument about the car over again, and then said "I just went downstairs and folded a ll of your clothes. I'm so disappointed. I told you to fold the laundry and bring it up." Well, I did I told her. And then I did more laundry. But she says "I told you not to touch any of my things, and you went and put my things in the dryer anyway..." No I didn't!!!!! She crabbed at me forever, and I could feel my spirit getting crushed. YOu just feel...deflated. She lives in her fantasy world, where if you exist, you only exist as the villain.

So anyway. Mom and dad went counter top shopping. I watched "Celeste In The City" on abc family, and then I talked to BJ a little more. Sometime after that, I fell asleep. Naps are kind of life saving. My mom leaves me alone when I'm sleeping. Mostly because she forgets I'm there. I was just exhausted. I think this 5 am every single say is getting to me. (duh)

So, when my mom is pretending I don't exist, I can tolerate it. Granted I hate being "the girl upstairs" but hey. It's better than being the target of verbal...crap. She only talks to me when it's negative, or she needs me to do something for her. Oh, well. So, physical and emotional exhaustion set in. She's been on my back ever since I got back from Alabama. It almost seems right. You have a good couple a days, and then there's a backlash. Happy? You were HAPPY? No, no, no. It's like... bait. A smile is like a red flag. ATTACK! Go Penny go! I'm exaggerating. I know. Maybe...

So, I was tired. I fell asleep and woke up a little after 11pm. WHOA! Which explains why I'm still awake. I probably will be for awhile. I got up though, and everyone had eaten Taco Bell. I was moderately excited, because I hadn't eaten in forever because there is NO non-mom only food in this house. So I asked if there was any for me. My mom glares at me and says "No. YOu were asleep." So I said "Oh." That's all I said! But she went off on me! "You were asleep! What did you expect? If we would have woken you up you would have been mean and crabby to everyone." I tried to respond, but it was a lost cause. So then she said "Besides. A few days ago you got KFC and didn't give me any. Now you know how I feel. It feels terrible doesn't it? When you feel like no one thinks about you? Now you know. I told you I wouldn't let that slide." Well, true...i bought Sunnie and I some lunch and we brought it home. My mom was on her way out when she saw the bag in my hand. She asked if we would split it with her. I said we only got enough for two because she wasn't home when we left. She threw a fit and was like "Fine. I see how it is! I would never do that to you. You're so selfish. You only think about yourself." Well, we got sandwiches! We were each supposed to give her half? That's not cool... but she wouldn't speak to me for awhile after that.

So back to Taco Bell, after she brought up KFC from 2 WEEKS AGO, my dad, to pacify my mom and make her feel like that was a legitimate argument turns to me and says "Ooh! Payback sucks, doesn't it?" Victory for mom! YOu could tell by the smirk on her face. I shut up and left the room. Oh wait, I had shut up a long time ago. She was having the argument with herself, that's right. All I did was ask if there was any Taco Bell left. Darn me and my evil ways. I deserve to be shot.

So yet another reason why my eating habits suck. I must admit...I really wish I hadn't forgotten that sandwich and the salad in the Caribou fridge. *sniffles* I'm really hungry. I was going to eat a candy bar from the concession stand in my theater, but...I knew I'd make myself ill if that was all I had in my stomach. Maybe I'll go eat an egg. Bleck...I don't want an egg. Argh.

So, enough whining about mommy dearest. I really should apologize. I don't like being the whiner. The one with all the problems. The girl everyone feels sorry for. I know how to prevent a lot of these situations, I just...don't. I could try to be the perfect child, but for my mom, I really don't think that child exists.

So, a few tears later I got over it. I feel like I'm going nuts. Why do I stay here? People ask me why I want to leave and I can't put it into words. One time, I cracked myself up when I responded. "I don't know. Why would anyone want to get out of Hell? It's toasty."

So anyway... I'm sorry I sound so bitter sometimes. I have a lot to be thankful for. My mother is just ever-present, and the stuff I'm thankful for isn't. It's hard to see the sunshine when someone keeps punching you in the eye...hahaha. That's funny. I'm hilarious. I'm going to end this now before I never stop.

Later!

Me