So I'm still pretty sick. Last night was the worst of it. BJ called after he got off work. He talked to me for a little while, and then he had to go "eat dinner" ---which usually consists of a couple hours watching TV with the family..whatever. Usually I just wait patiently, but I felt really really sick, and I just wanted to hear him. I kept having mini coughing attacks. I sat on the bathroom floor for awhile. The bad thing I hate happened...where you cough so hard for so long, that instead of just hacking stuff up, you make yourself sick. Reverse ham sandwich...not so yummy.

Benlee had called while I was sitting in the bathroom. His message said to call him for anything. But honestly? I knew nothing would help. Nothing outside of what I'm used to, anyway. I had told BJ I felt "really not good"... but I guess that didn't connect. He said he would try to get through with "dinner" as soon as he could. Almost two hours later...

I was mad, because I was jealous. He has his family. I thought about begging him to come and stay with me last night. There are some things only boyfriends can do, like hold you in their arms until you fall asleep. When he called back I was so upset and exhausted, that I blurted out something I didn't even know was on my mind. "I WANT TO GO HOME". He was quiet, and I apologized. I said I didn't mean it. I still don't know if I did. Technically there's no "home" to go home to anyway. My room is dad's new office.

We talked everything over again. Everything is always the same. I feel bad, and then he feels bad, and then I feel bad for making him feel bad. I know it will all turn out all right, but none of it happened like I had planned.

BJ is it for me. I know I'm supposed to be with him for the rest of my life. He's my one. My one and only. Last night he was talking about our future. A future I can fully trust and believe in, because FINALLY I know it's really going to happen. I just wish the future was NOW, ya know?

I keep thinking I made a mistake. Not a mistake in being with him, no no. But I left my world to be with BJ. To BE with BJ, not see him once or twice a week for a few hours. That probably sounds selfish...but I think I deserve to be selfish after all the waiting for everything and everybody. It's my turn!

I wish I would have tried harder...pushed people harder to help me stay in Montgomery. I asked Kelly to live in Montgomery...but I completely understood why both she and Benlee wanted Kelly in Opelika. I gave up Montgomery because Opelika is easy. Benlee is taking care of everything he can, and I am so grateful. Unfortunately it's just awkward. Just like I could never spend tons of time with Paul without Sunnie. Benlee is a great guy! But Benlee is Kelly's boyfriend. Kelly gets to live in the same building as he does. Kelly gets to see him every day for the rest of her life. I feel like it was my turn, my time to do that. I shouldn't complain. I got 6 weeks.

Benlee says he's grateful to me for making this sacrifice. BJ is grateful to me for making the sacrifice to move down here in the first place. I'm grateful to both of them for everything they've done. I just wish it were different. I wish it were different...I wish, I wish, I wish. Enough wishes. Time for my fairy tale ending...

Okay. That's it, I'm done complaining about it. I promise. No more. I'll get over it. Good things come to those who wait. I waited and prayed forever to find BJ...so another forever is nothing to wait for my happily ever after, right? Right. I'll start chanting that in my sleep and soon I'll start believing it. This is the last time I'm gonna whine like a little kid and say it.... IT'S NOT FAIR!!! WAAAAAAAAAA! NOOOOO!!!!!! ...ahem. Okay. I'm done now.

I miss you. Who, you ask? All of you. I feel disconnected from everything I've ever known. "Misery, is what I feel when you're not around, so I can't heal...Misery is what I feel, it's what I feel..." Go Scottie boy Moffatt man. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Peace

Me

I am ill. Girls are cursed. Forgive me for bringing it up, but come on! Poor, poor girls. Especially those of us cursed twice as much by certain additional "female problems". They make me sick. Literally. Curses be to sugar week! Every month, I get the attitude that states ; if I could stop being a girl, I would RIGHT NOW!. But then I rationalize, and think...no no no. Then I'd have to be a gay man. And I don't want that. No. And since BJ isn't a gay man either, it just wouldn't work.

I know, I know. I'm beyond help. But seriousy. Awake half the night. I've been on the couch all day, so I decided to sort of stretch and walk all the way up here...one floor up, I'm telling you. It's rough. I don't think I'll last long vertically. But something to keep my mind of the pain/dizziness/nausea...oh yes. My blog!

So I've been having a rough time, no doubt. I miss my family, I miss BJ...he came to visit me for a while yesterday. I blinked and he was gone. I hate that. In bed at night I sometimes find myself wishing I had never moved to Alabama. Then I think of all the times I felt completely miserable in Minnesota! I then came to realize I would be unhappy either way. I guess I just have to find out which one is worse. I don't like being miserable...duh.

So that's that. Not much has changed, I guess. This is a bad week. Forgive me ahead of time. And Sugar week never lasts 1 week. Usually it's almost always two. Cursed, cursed, cursed. I quit...I wish. I wish I had something better to write about. But no... the couch calls.

I miss my family. I hope I get to see them soon.

Bonjour!

I can't help but feel a little bit French being in Benlee's apartment. It's fun though! Anyway! So I moved to Opelika. It is a very nice apartment. Different from Benlee's, so I'm looking forward to Kelly's reaction. True, it's the same floor plan, but the actual floors are different, and the bathroom is different....everything is brighter and more feminine. Makes sense, since Benlee's apartment is a true bachelor pad. Seriously, it's cute! All the food he has is either cereal, or can be made in the microwave.

My apartment downstairs has a brand new stove! Kelly and I are both very excited about that. We'll be cooking soon.

I moved in on Saturday, today is Tuesday. No running water yet, but that was because no $ for deposit, and Benlee the knight is taking care of all that. We (Kelly, BJ, myself) have been so blessed with Benlee. Thank you GOD! Your plan is awesome.

So in other news...living alone is trying, since it's the first time. Kelly hasn't even lived completely alone before. But...it's kinda like Benlee is my roommate. I see him all the time. That helps a lot. I really do miss BJ though. I got so spoiled seeing him every day for six weeks. After having a long distance relationship, I was just so happy to be able to see him whenever I wanted. To visit him at work...it was just so wonderful. It still IS wonderful, I just might only get to see him once or twice a week. I'm still hoping there's a way for me to keep my Sunday mornings with him. As a couple, we want to attend church together. It really strengthens our mutual relationship with Christ. ALONG with our daily devotionals we do. I'm finally starting to feel a lot closer to God. He's blessed BJ and I both so much.

Kelly will be here in a couple weeks, and hopefully by then I'll have a job and a routine. If not...to be honest, I'm really enjoying this much needed time off. I loved being with BJ's family, but there was always so much drama in and out of that house, I started to feel like a nutcase. I'm appreciating the quiet. That was hard at first, but...I'm getting used to it. And since I haven't slept in about a week, my body is a little angry with me. I'm still a night owl, but I CAN actually fall asleep now. Maybe because Cody loves twin size beds and is now curling up by me again. He slept on the floor the whole time we lived with BJ. Well, that's also because he LOVES BJ. He would sleep on the bed with BJ, but not with me. Little poop...nah. Cody is OUR doggie. BJ takes good care of him. Probably better than I do. They have races down the street. BJ usually beats the old man, but I think Cody beat him once or twice.

So I guess that's about it for now. I thought I should write an entry since I actually DID something, and should probably record it. Life is calm now. No more headaches...unless I mess my neck up. But I guess I was referring to the metaphoric headaches...yeah. Most of those are gone now. I think, I hope, I pray. So that's that!

I'm off to go do something else. I don't know what yet, but my eyes are starting to reject Benlee's computer monitor. It's an odd one...

Bye for now friends of mine! Contact me or something....*sniff* I miss you.

ME!