Well...that darn Nancy Drew syndrome has caught up with me again. I went sleuthing. I searched for BJs screen name on my computer, and the conversation Kelly had with BJ popped up. So! I read it. God forgive me, I read it. I found it only mildy offensive "I wish they could understand we have other friends..." Well! Ahem. Scuse me! Did I say otherwise? By they, BJ was referring to me and Kris. Apparently we're similar "emotionally" Whatever. If they want to talk and be best buddies, I'd be fine with that. As long as it's not on my screen name! Hah! I'd like to say I'm kidding...but I don't think I am.

I think I came across as pushy and over anxious. Why? Because I sent BJ my picture and he was suddenly not online anymore. Interesting...just a coincidence, but I've been conditioned, and it's a hard thing to reverse. Granted my mother tells me how beautiful I am all the time...sometimes she even says "hot" but because of the opposite remarks she made ALL The time before... I can't believe a compliment. Even if I think it might be true, I tear it apart until it becomes simple words...dull and fallen to the ground. I reduce the nice words to words that don't mean anything to anyone. Blah blah blah is what I hear, the sentiment and good intention is swept under the rug along with the pointless words. I smile and nod and walk away, and they could have said "The broom has two ears" for all I know... they're just words.

Anyhoo... this morning screwed up my day. I'm crabby now. I have negative money all around...I can't afford medications or car insurance, and I'm beginning to panic. February we're taking a vacation to Florida, and I have to pay for park admissions. I make next to nothing at Caribou, and I just want to cry. Maybe I shouldn't go to Florida. Maybe I should skip my very last family vacation. I can't, but I should.

Not to mention that the vacation just happens to be resting on the very week that my very first one act play is going to be performed. I wrote it, it's going to be performed, and I'm not gonna see it! I'm...beyond depressed.

Well, anyway. That's two entries today. I feel like a compelte spaz, and I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Lovely sentiment...

Au Revoir!

Me

AHHHHHHHHHHH! Why does this always happen to me? Sometimes, I just want to run in one direction and not look back. In the true words of my younger brother, I HATE today. Some days I can't come up with one single emotion and go with it. This is one of those days.

I got hired at Caribou coffee with a promised full time position with 40 hours a week. So far, my schedule has barely cracked 24 a week. How does that work?? The job search was endlessly tiring, and I am not looking forward to doing it AGAIN.

Christmas has come and gone, and I can't say that that bothers me. Kelly is here again, and just like last year, I'm ready for her to leave. It pains me to say that, because while I love her the most, she and I rub up against each other too frequently. Half the time I feel like she resents anything that we don't have in common. I probably feel the same way, I don't know.

I got 2 Christmas cards from my friend BJ 2 days after Christmas. I didn't mind that they were late, I was very happy to get them. I had sent him one as well...but now I feel like I shouldn't talk to him anymore. Why? Let me tell you...

BJ and I had an amazing 5 hour conversation one night. He was someone I had found through Kelly, but he was not a FRIEND of Kelly's...I made sure of that. Why? Because I hate the he said she said crap of high school, and I didn't want to go through that with her. She told me not to talk to Kris (BJs best friend) so I didn't. Kris told Kelly not to talk to BJ, and she didn't...for awhile.

Last night, I went to bed early because I had to get up this morning. I woke up at 5am, and Kelly was still awake, chatting to BJ on MY MY MY....MY screen name! Okay, first... I don't talk to Kris because SHE didn't want me to! Second: It's my freaking screen name, get OFF! She said he started it, he messaged her/me...well, SIGN OFF! Make me look rude, I don't care. I don't care who she was talking to, just don't be on my screen name.

I had about a billion early high school flashbacks with online drama, and I wanted to cry. "Bye BJ" I said to myself as Kelly closed the chat window whenever I walked into my own bedroom. Something she didn't want me to see apparently...

Part of the excitment of talking to BJ was knowing that Kelly didn't. Call it sick and twisted, but she talked about KRIS 24/7 and I was openly jealous about their connection. She's jealous too, but she won't admit it. Why else would she do that? She could have signed off, left it alone, been content with what she had. I don't talk to Kris, she talks to both.

Whatever, I've resolved not to care. I just...won't talk to him anymore. Things will get complicated if I do. I don't need to explain why, they just will. I'm disappointed in myself for caring at all in the first place. The internet has always been Kelly's domain, I should have learned to keep my distance. He just seemed so spectacular. A great friend in the making. I went for him all on my own, and now she's got him too. She knew of him first, but I knew him first. I know it's not a competition, but if it were...I just lost it.