I'm so thrown off...I'm so confused! I'm not entirely sure how to function at the moment. What's going on?? Good grief. So! Yesterday...

Yesterday I worked a double shift from 6:30am - 4pm. I had about twenty minutes to sit and do nothing, so I had to make a bunch of phone calls. Business, you know. I think the second shift was more fun than the first. Why?? Because Elke put me on drive AGAIN this morning. It's becoming a regular routine. Not so happy about that. Oh, well. I don't mind it, except for the breathing thing.

The second shift was just me, Katrina, and Emily...so of course it was fun. The weather was AMAZING! Everyone was walking in without coats. IN FEBRUARY! Usually we have another blizzard by now! The snow was melting (people were referring to our drive-thru lane as the Caribou River) and I could see GRASS! Makes sense that Minnesota would get perfect temp weather right as I'm about to go to Florida. Makes perfect sense, uh-huh. Life. SO! Since it was so beautiful, I volunteered to go pick up the garbage around the grounds. It was a dirty, messy, very wet job..but it was SO NICE OUT!

Anyway, my shift ended at 4, and I got out of there about 4:15. I went home, grabbed some LOTR figurines, and headed to church to help Perry make the Getdown Overnighter video. I forgot to bring a girl, so when we had to do the anti-PDA segment, Perry made Lurtz (The lead Uruk-hai from FOTR) and Gimli make out. Gross....

After that, I came home with every intention of doing my laundry. I was sooo tired.... (after getting almost three hours of sleep the night before) and I had sooo much stuff to get done! I was gonna go to Cub and cash in my coins, but I didn't. I went online instead to check my e-mail. The laundry thing threw me off, because my mom told me when I got home that she had already been working on it, and it was almost done. Say what?!? Good grief... I didn't know what to do.

So, it was about 6:30, so I got ready to watch The OC. I tape it every single week just in case somebody missed it. I lay down on my bed and settle in. (bad idea) I woke up at 7:30, half an hour after it had started. BUT-- I was sooo confused, I thought I had slept til 7:30 AM, and I was supposed to be at work by six! I jumped up and had a total freak-out moment, until I realized the TV was on, and the OC was playing. Instead of getting upset about missing that show, I sighed in relief and turned the TV off. So basically, I went to bed at 6:30 pm!!

My whole routine was abandoned, and all the stuff I have to accomplish didn't happen. I didn't talk to a certain somebody, and that threw me off. And the worst part? Oh....I can't even... so today (Friday) I work from 6-11. We're supposed to hop in the van and start our road trip around noon. Last night was my frantic last minute night, and I slept through the whole thing. I HAVE NOT EVEN PACKED YET! So here I am, with a full eight hours of sleep behind me, up at 3am to pack for this trip. I have to pack, then I have to work, then I have to cash in my coins, pick up my pay check, go to the bank, cash my check, go home, load up the rental van, make sure I have EVERYTHING I need, and then fall over dead. Sounds like a good plan to me! So, here I go. To the laundry room to see if my clothes really DID wash themselves.

Hopefully they'll have internet access at the first timeshare or whatever. The last one did! Then I can keep this updated. Unless of course the ship goes down or something, and we all die. YOu'll never know then, will you?!? Oh, well...

So! Until then...

Corrie

I am so annoyed! I really am. Last night, I wrote a nice long entry, and it disappeared. Why? Because I got kicked offline. Oh, well. I don't THINK it said anything important. Not entirely sure. So, we'll just do a quick overview of yesterday.

I worked from 5:30-10:30, and then came home to nap, which didn't really happen. Then Ben called to re-make the lunch plans I wasn't sure we really had. He picked me up at noon and took me to Fazoli's. He paid and everything. I was impressed...considering we've never done anything together...ever. It was nice. We got to talk, which we've never really done on a personal level. I wasn't completely comfortable, but... I told him the surface stuff. After that, he and I went to church for our weekly meeting with Perry. HOWEVER...Ben and Perry meet every week half an hour before I get there, so since Ben was my chauffeur, I had to wait in Ben's office for half an hour until they were ready for me.

I was bored. I tried returning a few phone calls, but none of the people i was calling back answered their phones. Oh, well. I wrote one of my famous "i'm never really going to send this letters..." to someone, and then waited. Perry buzzed me...(fun) and the meeting began. It was pointless for me to be there, because they were planning out the next two weeks of Getdown. Yeah...I'm not even going to be in the same state! Oh, well. Sadly, it's the social highlight of my week.

After the meeting, Ben drove me home. He gave me a big hug and made me promise to REALLY take a vacation. Yeah right... I don't know how!

I attempted yet again to return my phone calls, and had success. I had to walk to the north Campus theater to wach another rehearsal of Channel 13, and I talked to BJ for half the way there. I sort of got myself in trouble with him, I think he was somewhat annoyed with me. Oh, well... I'll get better at what I need to get better at...

I watched the rehearsal (which was SOOO good... and I don't say that to praise myself, really...it was the funniest play I have ever seen. I couldn't believe that they were speaking and bringing to life the words that I had written down in that order... lines that I had made up at 3am! It was just so exciting to watch. They did such a good job! I only wish I could be here to see the real thing...

I walked home, and took a nap. I woke myself up at 7 to press record for the WB (Gilmore Girls and One Tree Hill) and went back to sleep. I woke up at nine, and started to watch my video. I went back to sleep at 11 something, and then my nightly phone call happened. Good times.

So that was yesterday! Today...I worked from 5:30 to 10 on the drive-thru. No huge disasters, except I was told I was crabby. I don't think they were serious. OH! One disaster. Since I had to bring mom's car home ASAP, Sam offered to do some of my assigned jobs (we have a list to complete every day for each 'station') so she swept and mopped behind the counter for me. Shortly after that, I decided to um...half leap, half speed walk to the brewed coffee, and did one of those fabulous cartoon like falls. Because my head set cord got caught on the fridge, and my feet slide on the wet floor. It looked just like that scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding! At least I think so. Fortunately for me, only Emily was out there at the time, and she only saw the recovery. Good gracious...

Got off work, went to Target to get all the trip provisions. Took a two hour nap, watched a Lifetime movie with mom, and then it was time to get down to business.

I TOTALLY cleaned out my closet, and then began packing. I spilled shampoo all over my desk...don't ask. I opened the dreaded "summer wear" drawer in my dresser, and was like "This past summer none of this stuff fit.." (See, after coming home from New York, where I lost "stress weight" I gained it all back in happy rejoicing!) I tried on everything in my drawer, and was literally giddy! Everything was too BIG! It was fabulous. I tried on two sundresses mom bought a couple sizes too small to "motivate" me, and they were also a tad too large. YIPPEE! I didn't even have to unbuckle/zip the shorts from two years ago. They almost fall off. Not that I was huge before, but sheesh... good times.

So! I did as much packing as I could, and organized my "In-Van necessities" meaning my entertainment bag... books, computer, DVD player, DVDs, Discman, CDs, Headphones, Power supplies, Travel games...fun stuff.

After that I took a shower, made a smoothie, did some laundry, and then watched Smallville! Good show. Now I'm here, writing another pointless entry. Oh, but wait! My favorite part of the day...my week so far!

The one thing Sunnie hates most in this world aside from puking, is the one thing that literally scarred her for life. What could that be? Why none other than the movie "Cabin Fever". It's been a running joke that for each time a gift is to be recieved on her behalf, that I would get this movie for her. She and I saw it in the theater with high hopes for Rider Strong's return to show business. However... she was disgusted beyond words, and can't even say the title without gagging. Well, my dad decided to buy it on clearance at Movie Gallery today. I had advised him against it before, and he'll probably end up returning it...oh, but it was sooooo worth it! I told him to walk into Sunnie's room, tell her he got her something special, and hand it to her. He grinned and said "ok". I shrieked with excitement, calling to him "She's going to throw it at you!" I ran up after him to watch. She was on the phone with Paul, laying on her bed. He walked in, and so sweetly said "Hi, sweetie. I bought you something special. A movie just for you." She was about to smile in return as he placed it on her tummy and walked away. I've never heard a more enraged scream come out of that girl! Dad and I both ducked as the DVD came flying out into the hallway. She was screaming "What's wrong with you!! Why would you do that! You're a terrible person!" I was laughing soooooo hard. Oh...sweet relief. I needed that.

Anyway, I bet there's something productive I could be doing. My laundry perhaps...argh.

Love you all. Forget me not!

Later

Me

The shower is the safest place to cry. You can come up with a million reasons as to why your eyes are red and puffy. You got soap in your eyes, etc etc. The noise of the water hitting the tiles can also muffle the sound of an escaped sob or two. The "shower cry" has been one of my few consolations in life I can count on. That sounds horrible...I have to explain.

Growing up, I was a heap of emotions. I cried about everything. I let everyone know how I was feeling all the time. But then people (*cough* mom *cough*) Began conditioning me to believe that crying and being emotional was something to be incredibly ashamed of. I believed her. When she got sick, I only cried in the shower. Even then I was scared she would resent my tears. One time I cried in the bath tub. I remember running the jets in the tub to drown out my little whimpers. I began beating the water with my fists, and it turned angry... no one could hear it though.

Why am I telling you this? I don't know. When it rains, it pours. Since I've decided to hide my emotions as much as possible, i find myself looking forward to showers. A moment when I can just...cry.

Today started out bad, and got worse. This whole week is just kind of slipping away from me. You can't only have one bad day, you have to have at least three.

Thank the LORD sugar week is coming to an end, or I'd be dead by now. I'm getting sicker, the bad sick... the 'i need new lungs, like yesterday' kind of sick, and I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of the choking, and the brown stuff, and the raw heaving, and the blood... I'm exhausted. I don't feel like a sick person, and Lord knows I'm not treated like sick person, but I'm starting to realize that I'm not exactly well, and that both terrifies me and intrigues me. It's that dark fantasy I've always had... the sick and twisted one when you wonder how everyone in your life would react if you were deathly ill. But I'm not... at least I don't think so. I don't know...

This morning...hmm. Sunnie had to drive me to work, and I almost cried over it. Dumb, dumb. To depend on your little sister to drive you places? It's horrible! Then there's the horrible, horrible, EVIL lady...who duped her coffee on my hand and scalded me, because she had to wait at the drive-thru for 11 minutes. All of our computers froze, and I was the only person working the drive-thru (duh, that's how it works) and I'm not a magician. Forgive me! She did it on purpose too...heavens.

The morning was hectic enough, and I got my break five minutes late. I called Kelly to answer her question, then Lara came in! She's on her way to New York now... she worked at Caribou with us. I'm really going to miss her.

After Lara came in, I called BJ to let him know I had kept my promise about demanding a rbeak in the middle of my 11 hour day at the coffee shop. If I hadn't... I dunno.

So, I worked til five, and I was on bar. AND everything else. Ah, well. I'm fantastic, right? I felt so not good by the end of the day, I wanted nothing more than to fall over. BUT--it's Monday. I had to go to Getdown.

I get there early, because I had a drama practice to run. Only half the cast (of two people) showed up, and that was Brant. I ran his lines with him, and we chatted a bit. He asked what was bothering me, but I avoided the snowball, and just said "car troubles". Because if I started talking about ONE problem...pretty soon he'd be hearing my whole life story!

Getdown went on, and I just felt...blah. Not good. My mind started to wander in that I'm tired, cranky, and my life is hellish at the moment kind of way, so of course I ended up on this one way track down 'all the bad things in my life right now' road. By the end of the night, i wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

Ben, oh perceptive one, came up to me and gave me a hug. "We should talk" he said. "What's going on in your life?" And I wanted to suddenly tell him everything. I haven't told ANYONE everything. I stared at him, and he stared right back. That's when the tears started. I held them back, with the promise of the 'shower cry' hiding in the back of my mind. My throat closed up with razor blades poking through, and Ben held on and wouldn't let go. I don't feel that way about Ben at all, but just...just being held. It really made me want to cry, because it wasn't...I dunno. Real? Maybe that's the word I'm looking for, maybe not.

Ben said he wanted to drive me to work tomorrow. (5am? I don't think so) I refused to let him, he kept insisting. Then it turned into how he would pick me up at 10:30 (when I get off) and then we would have out, talk, and he would take me out to lunch. It made me want to cry again. I crave that male friendship...I used to have it in abundance! A guy best friend...although, I have a terrible habit of falling in love with those...that's gotta stop. Anyway, I know Ben's not that person. The guy best friend. I don't really want him to be either. He's too flakey...to demonstrate:

We made plans for tomorrow. Pick me up, chat, lunch, go to meeting together. (He, Perry and I meet every single Tuesday afternoon to plan the next Getdown) Not more than five minutes later, he leads me into the kitchen by the hand to cancel the plans for tomorrow.

"I really wanted to take you out, but Perry says I have to be at the staff meeting"...blah blah blah. If I had believed him in the first place, I may have been disappointed. I knew it wouldn't happen, because that's the kind of guys I meet here. Ah, well. I can't....argh. Snowball effect. It's getting bigger...

So, we drove home, and I let out everything I've held in for the past month while in the shower. Poor unsuspecting bar of soap. It got a little overly mutilated. Oh, well. I needed to mutilate something.

What is it that's bothering me? So many things. The car is just the icing on the cake. I can't even...ugh. I don't know how to put it into words. I can't have what I want, I don't want what I have... I hate people for getting what they want, and I want to be them when they get it. I have what other people want, and I don't want to have it anymore. See? None of it makes any sense whatsoever!

I need to go to sleep now, and see if my dreams can make sense of the mess in my head. I certainly can't do it while I'm awake, with all this over analyzing going on. AHHHHH...

"Save me, savings what I need. I just want to be by your side. Won't you save me? I don't want to be just drifting through the sea of life..."

So, alas alas. It's time to sleep. It's past the time I was supposed to regain my sanity. What's up with that? *whistles* Here sanity! Here girl! Wouldn't that be a fun name for a dog? Hahaha...

Later.

Me

It's early early in the morning. I have to wake Sunnie up in about ten minutes. Why? Because she has to drive me to work. Why? Because my car is officially dead. We've kept it alive as long as possible, but it has no passed "The Point Of No Return". It's...dead. Finished. Over. And you know what that means? I'm screwed!

This couldn't have happened at a worse time. This vacation is going to suck me dry. Oh, well. I have to live with that. I have to make it through this...just keep breathing... for many people, they don't have to think about 'just keep breathing' whereas I, that's an actual struggle too. Ha! So there...

So, it may have slipped about Kirs going to visit Kelly, or I may have deliberately told mom... I don't remember. That's the honest truth. She doesn't tell them what's going on in her life, and I don't remember that very well. So, they were not that happy about it. After dad talked to Kelly, Kelly was not all that happy about it, so she gave me a call. Yikerby. I felt bad, but mom was like "You did the right thing, Corrie." What did I do exactly?

Mom still has this feeling that Kris is going to kill Kelly, and steal all of Bob and Janet's valuables. Whatever... I'd like to think I know the guy enough to know he wouldn't do that. I'd also like to think I know BJ Very VERY well, and he's friends with...so on and so on. I trust these people, and that's rare.

So... last night I'm talking to BJ on the phone, mom comes in to dump a bunch of crap in my room, and she says "Are you talking to THAT person?" Referring to "the kid who sent you the Christmas card" I told him she said that, and he said I should have handed her the phone. I didn't believe he meant it, but he did. So...he talked to mom for a bit. She now feels much much better after grilling him a bit about Kris. BJ also talked to Jamie, and Jamie gave him a little mini guitar concert, featuring none other than "Sweet Home Alabama". Hahaha!

So, the day ended up with the parentals forgiving me, and hopefully Kelly no longer annoyed with me, and two people I know pretty well being honest about something they weren't honest about before... I feel bad being so cryptic in my own journal, but alas. It is what it is. Time for me to go to work now, so...

Au Revoir mes amies,

later

Me