I am not doing very well. There's a new level of lonely, and I just feel empty. The best killer of lonely is a relationship, but I know it wouldn't work out if I were in one right now. My head isn't right, and I'm sure I would somehow ruin it.

I find myself going over every relationship I've ever had over and over again in my head. I'm driving myself crazy. I know what I was to each man I dated, and even though I shouldn't be with ANY of them, I just want to mean something to them. It's so stupid. I mean nothing, and I know it. Nor should I. They were BAD relationships.

For instance, Pete. Last time he and I saw each other was the day before my surgery. I thought we were like... a couple. I guess I was wrong. I guess they were friend kisses? He said he would come and stay with me when I was out of work for two weeks. Never heard from him again. He started dating someone else like... the next day. I REALLY mattered to that one. Except that I didn't.

Most relationships I've been in, the guys didn't want to pose for pictures with me. I see them in their relationships now, and they have sooooo many pictures posted of them and their significant other. I feel like such a loser. I know that's dumb, but it matters to me, and this is my blog, so I can whine all I want.

Everything is heightened right now, and I just really want to matter to someone enough for them to actually WANT to be around me right now. Here's to hoping...

I love people, and have so much love to give, but it's time for me to be loved back. It's time for me to stop being an idiot. It's time to stop getting trapped in my own head, and getting lost on top of it. It's time to get a life. A good one.

Blah, I don't know what to do with myself. I worked at Caribou so I would be able to take care of my mom. Now... every day I spend there seems like a day wasted. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't need to be there anymore. I shouldn't be there anymore. But where do I go instead? I have no clue. Travel the world? Sure, why not? Ahhh... I just want to quit.

Anyway, gonna go now. Wish there were arms around me. Wish someone wanted their arms around me. Wish wish wish... I need an Alexander... hahaha.