Goodbye, Nathan.

BAH!

You find a slice of happy, and you put it on a plate.
You get your fork and napkin ready, but the napkin comes too late.
You missed the plate completely, and the slice then hits the floor.
You really should know better, and should not expect much more.
You do deserve some happy, but the happy's not for you.
You think it's time, but you seem to know that simply isn't true.
You know it will come someday, but that someday should be now!
You are very sick of thinking, and of always asking how.
You know that it will find you, when you least expect it to.
You always hear them tell you that, and wish the time you knew!

Hooray for impromptu poetry! LONG story short, the melancholy remains. First, it was nearly suffocating to watch as October 10th and 11th snuck by without a backwards glance of consequence. See Me Through would have already been performed and adored (hopefully) by now. Can you believe it? It didn't happen. Overall, I'm grateful... but I feel like a loved one died or something. It's this dull ache I can't seem to get rid of. Boo.

On top of that, Nathan lied. Nathan lied BIG. Nathan lied continuously and consistently. Had he been upfront about it from the beginning, I probably would have been able to be okay. But since he lied and hid half his life from me throughout our entire relationship... THAT'S the part I have a bigger problem with. I hate lies. I hate liars! It's so unfair when the truth comes out.

I really liked him. I was excited about him! I was happy when I was with him. We really truly hit it off, and I thought I knew most of the things about him. WRONG. A lot of the things he had told me were lies to cover up his other lies. I'm so disappointed! That's the suffocating part. The disappointment. I really wanted it to work. So did he, which is why he came out with the truth in the first place. He liked me, and wanted to be honest. He left it up to me. Not fair! I feel like someone let all the air out of my tires, and I can't go anywhere. I'm stuck. My head goes both ways on the subject.

Nathan was always distant. He always loved hearing from me and talking to me, but I had to contact him first pretty much every single time. But he told me to! We had had a lot of conversations, deep honest ones. ( I THOUGHT!!!) And he told me that openness and honesty is extremely important in a relationship. So I laid all my cards out on the table immediately. Told him everything that could have (and has) scared people away. Told him all about mom, and the sordid details of the men of the past. He told me all about his past too.

He told me he had done something very unconventional. He had been a promiscuous man of sorts, and had gotten a reversible vasectomy. Why? Because he didn't want to get anyone pregnant. Okay... and it's not always reversible. Okay... You don't enter into a relationship planning on it being temporary (at least I don't) so of course I had to weigh out the implications of his confession, were our relationship to progress and become serious. It was hard to process, because I want to be a mommy. He told me he wasn't ready to have a family or to be a father, but he knew that someday he would be, so that's why he got the reversible one. He also had a sample frozen just in case. I believed him.

After dating for a month, Nathan decided to tell me (via IM) that he had been less than honest with me. He told me he had been engaged once, and that he had not gotten a vasectomy for the reasons he had given me before. He had his vasectomy after having two children with his ex fiancee. He has a five year old and a 19 month old!!!!

All the times he had been non-responsive, "sick" or absent... he had been with his children that I knew nothing about. My jaw hit the floor and stayed there.

Had he told me from the beginning, I would have been able to warm up to the idea, and see if that were really a relationship I wanted to be in. When you date the daddy, you date his family too. He hid that from me, and didn't give me a choice in the matter at all. So hence the enormous amount on conflicting thoughts.

I want to get married and have a family. He already has one. I want to be called Mommy, not Corrie. I want to be able to give a man his very first child, and have every first I experience to be a first with him too! I don't want there to be a constant comparison between his children and my children. I would hate that barrier.

I know that millions of women are step-mothers. I know that I could be that person if I had to be. If I fell in love with the man, I would fall in love with his children, too. I know it's possible to love children that are not biologically yours, I've been a nanny. I loved them, they loved me. But I don't think I could get past never being their mother... they already have one.

Nathan and I weren't serious, so those are semi-irrational thoughts. But just in general! I have dated the daddy before, and forgive the phrase, there was never ending baby mama drama. I don't want to be 'the other woman' who is constantly portrayed as the villain (just ask Disney!) and a reoccurring excuse for battle between ex lovers.

I want to be allowed to hold, cuddle and love the children in my home. I want to be able to scold when necessary. I have been a good surrogate mommy and have been adored for it...but this is different. Real mommy would most definitely want to bypass my authority whenever possible.

I want a family, Nathan already had his. His schedule is so random, that he rarely was able to make for sure plans with me. "Maybe Wednesday or Thursday" except I would never hear from him. Why? He was with his kids. If he never knows what his schedule would be, how could I fit into that picture? He kept that part of his life very secret and very separate. I'm sure were I to attempt to introduce some sort of a schedule (like most people do with shared custody!!!) I would be viewed as pure evil hands down.

When I asked him why he would hide something that huge from me, he said "I get kinda skiddish about telling people about them. I don't want to be rejected because of it." That's what angered me. His children are a part of HIM! If people are going to reject him because of them, they're rejecting HIM. It's better to find out sooner rather than later. If they don't want his kids, they don't want him. Then they're not worth pursuing a relationship with. And then I felt bad for his children. If I had children, I would proclaim it loud and proud! But it was so easy for him to pretend like they didn't exist, and leave them out of his life completely. That's horrible. Who's to say he wouldn't do the same thing to me? "No, I'm not seeing anyone. What's your name?" Because of course he would be rejected were he to mention he DID in fact have a girlfriend.

So, yeah. It sucks! He decided he liked me enough to tell me the truth, but the truth was kind of huge...and the lies to cover it were even MORE huge. And he said he would understand if I didn't want to see him anymore. So conflicted! I liked him! I missed him when he was gone! We enjoyed all the same things, and he made me laugh. I needed that. But he repeatedly lied straight to my face. And I feel like he would be disappearing often, and it seems like he wouldn't want me to be a part of the life he has with his children. His daughters. And so I would be left out, left behind, left in the back.

I've been invisible before when a father was around his child. It wasn't my child, so it wasn't my concern...except that it was. I don't know how to explain it. Jealous of a child? No...just jealous of the picture, and wanting to be a part of it. Wanting to be seen at the same time as the child in the eyes of the father. Wanting him to see me in that picture too. Not permanently, because that would be premature. But when dating, you picture things, scenes in the future and see if the person you're dating is the missing piece to that puzzle. I wasn't given the opportunity to do that. If that makes sense.

It may sound selfish, but I want to be everything to someone. When you first start dating someone, that's the best part! You can't get enough of each other, you spend as much time as possible together, and you get to be giddy and silly. When there are children involved, there are suddenly all types of restrictions. "No, not Wednesday I've got my kids. The youngest has the dentist on Thursday and I have to take her because her mom---" blah blah so on and so on. Yes, single parents deserve to find their happiness too. I know. That's why I feel selfish. I've just never ever been at the top of anyone's list, and I just REALLY want to see what that feels like!

BJ had his family and was half a country away for most of our relationship, Andi had Jocelyn (and was just selfish in general), Pete just had...problems... and Nathan, well yeah. I want to be everything to someone...at least for a little while.

I haven't heard from Nathan since. I told him since I always initiate contact, if he wanted to talk to me he could contact ME. He hasn't. Maybe he thinks I need space? Maybe I do. Maybe we never talk again? Maybe we don't. I think I'm okay though. Why? Because turns out I don't know him at all. Imagine that.

So, that's my rant for now. I am repeatedly told I am young, and I have all the time in the world to find my happily ever after. It's hard to avoid the panic when everyone around you is or already HAS found that. Everyone is getting married and having babies. I'm jealous, and lonely. That's the truth. That, and I grew up so fast under the pressure of my insane life circumstances that I feel like I'm in my late forties, not 24. Blah.

Okay, all done. Going to a new church today! Calvary Baptist, Christine's church. I am praying I will feel something I haven't felt in a long time when walking through church doors. God. That would be awesome.

G'bye!

-C'est MOI!!!