Today has been an amazing day. Amazing in spite of the fact that it is my third day in a row of working open to close. Amazing because amazing things happened, and I just haven't felt this happy in a long time.

I suppose the amazing part began last night. I wrote and wrote enough to actually send out a chapter update to my test readers, of book two in my trilogy. "Haunted" is well on its way!

I woke up this morning to a great review from one of my readers, instant good mood. Then I bounced a few emails back and forth, played with some puppies, went to work. THEN!

I spent three hours doing something I have been wanting to do for sooooooo long. I had been craving it for so long, it felt like I was starving. I can't even begin to describe how amazing it was.

It's funny, but I think I'm actually too happy to write anything in here right now. Weird, huh??? Bye for now!!

"Who Am I Living For?"

I can feel a phoenix inside of me

As I march alone to a different beat

Slowly swallowing down my fear

I am ready for the road less traveled

Suiting up for my crowning battle

This test is my own cross to bear

But I will get there

It's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called

Standing on the front line when the bombs start to fall

I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames

Calling out my name

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the end of it all

Who am I living for?

I can feel this light that's inside of me

Growing fast into a bolt of lightning

I know one spark will shock the world

So I pray for a favor like Esther

I need Your strength to handle the pressure

I know there will be sacrifice

But that's the price

Heavy is the head that wears the crown

Don't let the greatness get you down

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the end of it all

Who am I living for?

There's that word again. FEAR. It's ruining me! There is very good possibility that I am being presented with the opportunity to re-establish things I thought were long gone. It's highly probable that something I thought I had misinterpreted was actually reality. What's really getting to me, is the possibility that I might be wrong. It's fear.

I'm still as wordy as ever. I can write it all down and tell you the truth and it will be written exactly how I want it to be written. But what if it isn't read the way I want it to be read? I don't know how to explain myself.

Faith and trust aren't as easy as I would like them to be. It's an easy enough concept. Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart. Faith is not believing that God can, it is knowing that he will. All these things I've heard, I've memorized, but I've not yet succeeded in banishing the fear.

All of the things I have experienced, all of the roads I have taken have lead me here. There are moments that I can say without a doubt that I am completely accurate. I know what God has shown me, what he wants for me. But then Satan sneaks in with his doubt poisons. The devil is good at that.

I've changed. I've changed a lot. That's no secret. There's a core of a person that still very much exists, and she hasn't changed much. She's still there. It's the outer layers. They've changed drastically. When I think back just a few years ago, I feel like I am an entirely different person. In most ways, I am.

Faith and trust were very hard to hold onto when my Mom was sick. Everything I thought was permanent was becoming very temporary, and I was frantically searching wherever I could for something/someone to hold onto. Not anymore.

I was raised to strive for purity, and to uphold the many promises that purity entailed. I did not succeed. While I may have many regrets, I know that I was with the right person, just not in the right way. We have been forgiven, and I have adopted my original vows wholeheartedly. I will only ever belong to my husband, and God knows exactly who that will be :)

I'm finding patience to be challenging these days. "I am like a child who hath new robes and may not wear them." -Juliet

Seriously, I feel like I am on 'The Amazing Race'. I successfully completed a mission and found a map that will lead to the big prize at the end. I know what it is and how to get there, but my partner has fallen behind and I have to wait. I'm told repeatedly I have to let them complete the mission on their own, I can't give any hints. It's MADDENING!! He will get here. I know he will.

I was talking to Nikki the other night, and it's pretty amazing talking to someone who has known be throughout EVERYTHING. She has cried with me, fought with me, laughed with me, and really knows the real dirty nitty gritty of EVERYTHING. I was explaining how much things have changed over the last several months, and why, and she was nodding, and happily pumping her fists in the air before dramatically exclaiming how much she had been missing me. I was gone for so long. Now, I'm not only BACK, no... I'm better. New and improved!

I wish I could explain it all. I wish I could express it all! But I can't. I mean, yes...words, I can write them and I can explain. I just simply mean it isn't my job. Joseph didn't believe Mary when she told him. He didn't believe it until God spoke to him in a dream. I can talk and talk and talk but it won't make any difference. He has to see it, and it has to come from HIM. And it will. It will.

Enough babbling for now. For now....yes. Until next time, I pray. I will just pray!!