Life is so much fun. I'm exhausted. Exhausted from all the "fun". I'm tired of being upset, but I'm not entirely sure how to get around it. I knew there would be a backlash from mom when BJ left, so I don't know why I'm having so much trouble dealing with it. There's nothing I can't handle, right? Right. Ok then.

I just feel sad. There's no one reason to pinpoint as to why, I just feel sad. Sadness makes you tired. The past two days I've gotten home from work and slept until at least four. My mom has called me downstairs countless times, but I just stay there. I'm not afraid of her threats. There's nothing she can take away from me. I don't need anything she has control over. I guess there's a little bit of happiness in that.

I really do have a lot in life to be thankful for, but there are just moments when you need to be sad. Mom raised the rent due to dad losing overtime, or so she says. The water bill alone is causing problems, she says. My answer to that? Don't ask the girl who takes three minute showers every other day to give you money, cut back on your whirlpool tubs full of water every night! And as far as dad losing overtime, I can understand how housing me would be such a burden on the limited money supply. I barely eat anything at home. I buy half the groceries, and I clean the house. I'm ruining me...I'm a vegetable. Serves me right for having such a fantastic week with BJ. Nothing can compare now. Everything is boring. The only thing I do outside of work and sleep is go to the library to vent to people who don't really exist.

I shouldn't write when I feel like this, it makes things come across as much worse than they really are, I'm sure of it. But I still do have the same question. If you can't afford to live at home, and you can't afford to move out, where do you go? My mom's response to that question? She laughed at me. I want to hide my head in a hole like an Ostrich and pretend that no one can see me, because I can't see them.

But I CAN see them, that's part of the problem. "Aye me, sad hours seem long." How far away is my birthday? Argh...too far. Much much too far.

The girls at work are so sweet. They keep me sane. I was complaining about my mother the money sucker, and how I probably wouldn't be able to afford to go see BJ in the fall, so they said they were all going to pool their tips, and then they also said that we could do a Corrie car wash fundraiser. They're hilarious. It's the "Corrie's trip to visit BJ fund" as Becky so appropriately named it. I would never let them do that for real.

BJ, if you're reading this...I have to tell you. Elke is so sad she didn't meet you. I guess you'll have to come back afterall. Poor thing.

Anyway...I better go now. My head is a jumbled mess. I miss happy. Come back!

Always, Me

Hello any and all. So... BJ's visit. It happened. It's over now. I won't do a day by day play by play (if you want those details, check out his livejournal. His SN is livin4god1983)because I don't really have the time. I'm at the library. The last time I was here, I was here with BJ. Everything reminds me of him...

It was a good week, but of course it was the best at the end. Everything is so much more empty now. Half of me went away it seems. Every night when he was here, we'd start to fall asleep in my room watching a movie, or just talking, whatever, and then I'd move into Sunnie's room. Well, last night I couldn't fall asleep. I was too used to him being there, so when I woke up this morning, I realized all of my pillows and blankets were pushed up against the wall in a very BJ-like formation. There was even a blanket partially rolled up exactly in the shape of his arm under my head. It was pathetic. I'm pathetic. I know it.

The week started with me being scared of everything. EVERYTHING. It ended with me so unbelievably comfortable that I couldn't imagine today. (the first day without him here)

I really don't know what else to say. I'm sure that everyone who cares has already begged me for details, or has made plans with me to beg me for details at a later date.

I feel so strange. It's like I cut off a limb and actually expect to be able to funtion normally without it. It's definitely going to take some time. There are too many things we planned on doing and didn't do, or couldn't do. It feels incomplete. I have a feeling that it always will. Just like we said before:

(BJ) "It wasn't long enough."

(ME) "But what IS long enough?"

(BJ) "Exactly."

Enough said. It's the truth too. Whatever happens in the future, it will happen. I know that. Everyone has a different opinion about the entire thing, but I know I'm in love with him...and I know that we've put ourselves in a terrible situation. Like I said to him the day he left: "Why are we doing this to ourselves? We're so mean."

So anyway, I'm kinda miserable, and it's impossible to be content with phone calls now. I'm a crazy person. But my Grammy was telling me how she was apart from Grandpa for 13 months at a time, and she had to wait weeks between each letter. No phone calls. I guess I really shouldn't be complaining. It could be worse. A LOT worse. But right now it feels terrible, and I want to wallow in that thank you very much.

So that's all for now I guess. More complaining later.

Me