I can't believe she's gone. I knew it was happening, but I still can't believe it. My brain is still planning on things she and I had planned on, and I can't wrap my head around the fact that she's gone.

My Mama passed away yesterday morning. I can't believe it. It's 24 hours later, and I'm surprised I made it through the day. I'm so tired, and sick... but I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see the image of her twisted face, her dying body withering before my eyes. She looked nothing like my Mama.

My hand was on her chest when her heart stopped beating. She stopped breathing first, but her heart was beating faintly. I whispered one last goodbye as she slipped away.

All I can see is her gasping for air, her tiny frame shivering with fever. Because she looked so different, part of me expects my Mom to just walk through the door. I look at pictures of her...they're everywhere. This woman isn't dead, she looked nothing like the yellowed corpse whose hand I held until it grew cold and hard. I knew I would be with her when she died.

I don't have a Mom anymore. My mom is dead. I repeat this out loud to myself at regular intervals, trying to believe it. I can't. The fight went on forever, my family seemed invincible. How is she gone?

This is when the fears invade your mind as to whether or not there really is a Heaven. Did she just die, only to become an eternal part of the dirt? It's terrifying. This is why we have faith. This is why there must be a God. This is why I am allowed to believe I will see her again someday. Dear Lord, quiet my fears and put my mind at ease. Replace the images in my mind with those of joy.

I sit alone in my apartment, willing myself to cry. I've been holding it in, holding it back. I am told repeatedly how sorry everyone is for my loss, and instructed to be joyful that her suffering is over, and she's in a much better place. These things are true, of course... but why can't I mourn the loss of my mother?

I am alone with myself, with my thoughts, and when I let my mind wander into sadness, panic steers me in a different direction. Maybe I'm not ready to deal with it, or maybe I already have. Either way... I'm momentarily grateful for the distractions my brain has been occupying itself with.

I'll go now. We have a meeting at the Funeral Home in a few hours to pick out the casket and bring her dress, makeup and jewelry. Then we have a meeting at Calvary after that to plan her service. Keeping busy will help.

I love you, Mama. You went to Heaven at Seven. Your favorite number. It's a holy number too. I miss you.

I'm sitting by my Mama's hospital bed. We've been camped out here for several days. We're told she'll be leaving us at anytime. I don't really know what to do, or what to think.

I feel oddly detached at times. I'm sitting here by this tiny shell of a woman who I can barely recognize as my Mama. I almost have to remind myself of who she is. When I start thinking too hard, the memories are too much to handle. My chest aches so badly, and my throat is relentless.

People flood her room daily with warmth, and song, and praise. So many times I've thought about a day that doesn't exist. I find myself taking mental notes on how many people are there, so when she and I have our next often repeated conversation about how she is not loved by many people, I can prove her wrong. Then I have to remind myself, that that conversation will never take place. It's so surreal.

My Mama doesn't speak anymore, she no longer opens her eyes. My Mama is gone, and we're morbidly waiting for her to stop breathing before we say our goodbyes. Her heartbeat is so faint beneath her paper thin skin. In her hand she clutches a family photo from many years ago. A time when there wasn't even a shadow of the misery to come.

I am experiencing extremes on both sides of the spectrum, and my brain is unable to grasp one certain, solid emotion. The easiest one to dwell on these days is jealousy. I'm jealous of Sunnie and Paul, who have each other to cling to. My mom adores Paul, and talked about him right up until she couldn't talk. My Mama will never meet the man I marry while we're here on Earth. Maybe she'll be the one to find him for me, and send him my way with her soon to be heavenly guidance.

On one end of things, my Mama is passing on to her Heavenly home. On the other end of things, my life is taking off toward success at mind numbing speeds. My book, "Granted" has peaked the interest of a few people at Harper Collins publishing, one of the biggest publishing companies on the planet. They've asked for my first 7 chapters to be sent to the teen fiction editor. The test reader loved what I had, and it all seems to be very very possible.

I have been lamenting the loss of not only my Mom, but my closest friend. Mom and I did everything together. She was my movie buddy. I had learned to tune out her eternal commentary, and actually enjoyed her presence. My Mama loved going with me to the Zoo. No one ever liked going to the Zoo with me, except for her.

RJ's Mom, Sue, has been such a blessing through this time. She keeps me company and has been encouraging me every day. She loves going to the Zoo. She says she and I will go together. I can't wait. I asked her to adopt me.

For a long time, I've cursed my stupid job, and hated it relentlessly. People would tell me all the time that God had a plan in my life, and I was insistent that God's plan did not include my working at Caribou. I was wrong. God, in all his infinite wisdom planned it out perfectly. He knew when my Mama would be leaving me. He knew that I would need to be with her.

He knew that I would touch many people through my job, and they would know my story, and love my family, and come around us as much as possible. He knew that my boss and co-workers would work their hardest to support us. Chris has orchestrated a benefit to ensure my financial survival. If I wasn't working at Caribou right now... I would be overwhelmed with things I no longer have to worry about. I am blessed beyond belief.

I have been living my life for my family, for my Mama. I have done my best to do what I felt was right, what I felt God was leading me to do. Home is where I was meant to be. Now, I see that God has lined things up for me, for my next chapter in this life.

When I would drive my mom to every appointment, and run her errands, and stay with her, my Grandma would tell me that God would honor me, because I honored him. I shrugged it off, thinking that any opportunity I had for the life I had once dreamed of had long since passed me by. No, no... God knew my heart, and knew my love for my family. He provided a way for me to have both while clinging to him.

I will miss my Mama more than I can even admit to myself at this point. Kelly will be returning to NY. I have Sunnie, who I have grown so close to, my heart swells with throat choking love when I watch her tenderly kiss our Mama's cheek. I am so glad I have her, and so glad she brought Paul into this family. We've already mastered the sibling banter, he and I.

I don't know how we're going to make it, I just know that we will. My Dad is stronger now, leaning on us more than he did before. He's realized strength doesn't have to be solo, and that strength as a family tends to be stronger.

I love so many people right now, and have been blessed with their love in return. I am saying goodbye to my Mama for now, but I will not lack in the area of Motherly love. I have my surrogate mommies who will let me cry like a baby when I need to, who will take me to the Zoo and make me awesome food. I'm 25 years old, but I grew up way too fast and have been taking care of things I shouldn't have been taking care of. This is why I think I love silly things like the Zoo and the toy aisles Target. My mom stayed a kid with me, and I will miss that desperately.

I will end this here. Her breathing is quieter. It won't be long now. I feel like there's not enough time to whisper how much I love her into her ear before she goes. I have to make sure she knows. I know that she does, but I can't seem to say it enough.

I love you, Mama. Now and forever. It's okay, we'll be all right. You can go on ahead. We'll catch up to you. You did a great job, you can be proud of your life here. Your daughters resemble you in many ways. You are loved, and you are cherished, and you will continue to be a part of our daily lives until we'll be able to join you up there in Heaven. Save me a cloud, and say hi to Jesus for me. I love you, Mama. I love you.