I hate days like today. I hate how I feel. I get to a point where I find myself absolutely revolted by those around me to the point of physical illness. I literally get so disgusted that I feel like I'm going to be sick.

I feel so angry sometimes. Angry at the circumstances, angry at the past, angry at the future that seems to be beating me into the ground. I hate feeling like this!

I know I'm not completely mentally healthy. I have so many issues I haven't dealt with. Abandonment, humiliation, degradation, betrayal, agony, and pure and total fear. I feel like there's rage that's been long surpressed...and it's transformed into something worse. I don't even know what to call it.

My stomach is swirling with a whirl of emotions, and I don't even know which one to go with. I don't even like myself...so how can I blame others for keeping their distance? Who the heck have I turned into? How can I get back to who I want to be? How do I even figure out who that person is?

I depend on people who love me to help me figure that out, but I don't think they can.

I feel like a mess. I thought I had myself back on the right track. I thought I was where I needed to be. I thought I had things under control. Why is the urge to get in my car and drive in one straight direction and never come back so unbelievably strong? Just adopt a new identity and flee the country. Leave this all behind and start over.

I should take my own advice and "clean out the junk closet"... thank you, anonymous janitor. Your guidance extends well beyond the written page.

Time to go.

"Missing Me" - RJ Helton

..........>>>>>>
Don't understand why we can't go on and go on
Don't understand why
You don't belong in my arms

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea?
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

It's funny how my heart just won't let it go
I just don't understand
It's crazy how the pain seems to overflow
The memories of you here with me by my side
I can't deny that you are the love of my life

And I still cry for you
And I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
And I still long for you
And I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea?
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me