I am in the worst kind of mood. The kind of mindset that in no time has you believing that you are someone to nobody, and nobody to everyone. The only people who want to be around me are the people I can't be around. Make sense? Hardly.

I feel like I did what I was supposed to. I became honest and open, and I asked for help when I needed it. It didn't work. At least it doesn't feel like it did. I feel like I had a really strong network for a tiny little second there, and it quickly dissipated the second I wasn't sunshine and happiness.

I hold hands and give hugs and encouragement. I offer endless streams of wisdom and advice, whether it's coming from my own head, or what others have told me in the past. I NEVER run away from people when they need me. I ALWAYS drop everything and exist in whatever way they need me. A friend of mind told me today it's because I have caregiver syndrome. That makes sense. Not everyone lived their teen years with a Mom who had a two toned bell hooked up in the living room. One tone was for Dad, the other for me. I will always spring to action when someone sounds my bell tone...or something like that.

When they were going through the bad times, I was there constantly. When I withdrew to handle my issues on my own like I ALWAYS have, they were concerned. They wanted me to be open and honest, and I was. Now that closeness is gone. That contact is gone. I'm sure I could initiate it, and I'm sure I could force them to talk to me. The whole point though... I'm NOT initiating it. I'm NOT talking. That means something is wrong.

There is a lot wrong. A lot... this isn't how it's supposed to be. You told me it was okay to go there. It was okay to feel it. But I don't think you meant it. You have your own lives and issues, and I knew that. I know this.

Someday it will be my turn. I told you I needed you. You don't have time. But... I told you. You can't say I didn't. Someday. One day!!

I tried to make things work that can't. It's all over now. Now we move forward, and we grow. We become who we were always meant to be. We take our sorrows and our mistakes, and we dig through them until we find the blessings within the ashes, and then we praise. Oh yes, we praise! I had such a huge mountain of JOY take me over. But I can't hide forever. It's nice and warm in the sunlight, but eventually night has to come back. You have to get through the dark to see the light again. It's just the truth... it's so much easier to find kindred in the sunshine, isn't it? It is. It truly is.