I need help. What if I can't make it? I hear myself talk to him, and I can't believe some of the things I say. What if I don't have the control? It terrifies me when I think that I do. Is that really me? No, no. An imposter. I don't sound like that. Those aren't my thoughts.

It's too hard. It's been less than a week and I'm freaking out. How can I keep doing this to myself? Dreams come up, they get a yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no... then there's dark, and alone. All alone. I can't do this.

What's next? A year. One more year. One more year until forever starts. No, no. One more year until forever blinks. It will show you a glimpse and then shut off again. To and from, back and forth. Who goes where next time? Oh, we'll see. Because "it's meant to be!" Oh, yes.

Yesterday was there, it was good. Tomorrow is a year away. In between is this big black nothing. What do I do with that? It's miserable. Black is not my color, and it's definitely not slimming in this circumstance. It's fat and unforgiving. I don't want it, no no no. I want tomorrow. I crave tomorrow. I don't want to go without. I can't.

BJ had to hang up on me tonight. He always politely tries to excuse himself. I wouldn't let him go. Things were spewing out of my mouth like fire. I keep waiting for him to have a reaction. I want him to feel like I feel, but he won't. He doesn't. He's just fine. I'm a mess, but he's fine. I fall down, and he floats above me, waiting to pull me up again, and again, and again. Just once, I wish he were on the floor next to me.

That happened once. We both broke down. In some way, it made me happy. BJ and I were finally on the exact same page. Our tears mixed together, and we cried, and we shook, and I knew he felt the way I did. I just wish I always had that assurance. I don't though, and I feel crazy.

He tells me we can't always both be so down, and nobody likes being brought down. He's right. I'm the down one, again again again. That's me. Down so low I match the carpet. I patch it with my mass of blahness. We're the same, the floor and I. Flat and frequently walked on. Ugly and beaten. BLAH. We can't both be down, someone has to pull the other up. Why can't I be the one up? Oh, that's right. Because I'm me. Poor BJ. He has my pity.

I keep making the wrong choices. They have to be the wrong ones! Otherwise, I have an amazing talent for screwing up the right ones. It's soooo sad. The only thing right is BJ. It's interesting... I literally watch and listen to myself attempting to sabotage things. He doesn't let it happen, obviously... but I forced him to hang up on me tonight.

Everytime he said he had to go, I cried. I couldn't stop myself. I didn't want to be left alone. I said I was sorry, I didn't want to drag him down. I just wanted him to stay. I wanted him to say he loved me, I wanted him to imitate an elephant. I wanted him to hold my hand across the country. I wanted him to be with me. He tried, and I pushed, and I pushed, and I pushed. I told him if he wanted to leave, he would have to hang up on me. So he did.

I cried long, and I cried hard. I'm always so worried about losing him, and here I am pushing him out the door. Right when he said goodnight, the switch flipped, and I was me again. I said "BJ, wait..." But he had already gone. What did I do that for?

He'll call me in the morning, he says. I'm under attack. As if things aren't bad enough. I feel possessed. I say all the wrong things, and I know they're wrong while I'm saying them...and I can't make them stop. As they say in "Mean s", it's word vomit. It's horrible, yet recognizable...and I can't make it stop. I can't do anything right.

My mom is already back in her old routines. I'm wasting my life, my mind, my everything... I'm a failure. My mom is the only person I know who can make you believe that God invented oxygen for everyone but me... because all I do is waste it with my sloth-like behavior, doing nothing with my pathetic excuse for an existence. So what if I was a drama director at age 18? So what if I write plays and have them performed? Every accomplishment means nothing... nothing because it's nothing to her, because she doesn't care. She did nothing with her life, and yet she's happy. I've done so much while still so young, and that matters less than nothing. I almost forgot how terrible she makes me feel.

Whatever, I shouldn't write anymore. What do you care, right? Anonymous, anonymous. My friends are all anonymous. I'll meet you someday, oh you invisible few.

Dear Lord, please help me banish whatever it is that's attacking me. I can't wake up.

You Should Be an Actor

You have a flair for the dramatic, and you probably already do a lot of acting in your day to day life, just to entertain yourself. No need to steal the spotlight from your friends... You'll get plenty of attention once you start acting professionally!

What Sort of Artist Should You Be?

For a minute there, I really felt like writing a mini novel. But then, now that I'm here in front of the screen, it seems like everything I had planned to write is meaningless, or something of the sort. I really do have a lot to say, but I guess I don't feel like saying it. Honesty is one thing, but sometimes even honesty isn't worth it. What do you gain by being honest about something nobody but you cares about?

Anyway, I'm not making any sense. Surprise, suprise right? I feel like something bad is going to happen... or maybe it already did. Maybe I can't tell the difference anymore. Being sick doesn't help.

Did I mention I'm allergic to my house? Whether it's Harvey, or something else. I'm fine when I'm out and about (which... is never) but the minute I get back in here, my airway closes, my eyes burn, my throat itches, my nose starts a runnin... it's really driving me crazy. I get exhausted and winded walking to the bathroom, because I literally have to take giant breaths just to get a sufficient amount of air into my lungs.

So anyway... aside from the obvious, those are my complaints. I miss BJ terribly. After having a year of a long distance relationship, and then getting to see each other regularly, this is just going back.

I'm scared, too. When Melanie and I were really close friends, it was amazing. She was the best friend I had ever had. Then I went to go see her in Connecticut, and it was even better. Then I went home. It was too hard to go back to how it used to be, so we didn't. We completely lost touch. We talk from time to time, but I still feel like I lost my best friend.

I don't want to believe that something like that could happen with BJ, but it's a fear nonetheless. I am afraid of losing him, but that's nothing new. His life is in Alabama, and he has a lot of distractions. Soon school will be starting. I knew I wouldn't be SEEING him much when I was still planning on living down there. But now I'll barely exist. Not intentionally, no no. He's going to be sooo busy, and it's going to be hard to force myself not to feel abandoned. I want him to succeed. It's just so hard to miss him, AND know that I won't even see him on Sundays. Clinging to late night minutes, before he falls asleep from exhaustion. That's my future.

Anyway, I guess I could go on and on and write about pointless things. I really don't feel well. Aside from being allergic to home, it's sugar week, and this time i feel like I have the flu. WE went to go see the new X-MEN movie, and I felt so disgusting. I thought the room was stifling, but no one else seemed to notice. I was boiling, and my stomach was wretching... it just wasn't good. You don't need to know anymore.

So that's all for now, kids. "I hope you feel better." Yep. Me too. ME too...

C'est moi!

Home now. If there is such a thing without BJ. Good to see my family, and Cairo the giant. But I miss my heart. I gave it to BJ. So if you're here in Minnesota, please come cheer me up. I'm sad. I feel like I failed yet again. What am I SUPPOSED to be doing? I'm supposed to be with BJ, that's the only thing I know for sure. Anyway...

I start at Caribou again at the beginning of June. I saw Tony when we stopped there this morning, and he says he's gonna throw a welcome home party at Mama's, so if you're interested (or curious) lemme know so I can give him a final number. I don't know when it is though, yet...

So that's all for now. More later.

ME

Well, we're halfway home. Mom got us a room for the night in Tuscola, Illinois. We barely made it. Thank goodness they have 24hr check-in. We didn't get here until 3:15 am. We had planned to be here no later than 11pm. What happened? Oh, the Neon broke. Broke in a way the mechanic who worked on it had never seen before. We were set back, but grateful we weren't on the interstate.

Me, being the total girl that I am, when we passed through Montgomery I just HAD to stop and say goodbye to BJ one more time. The tearful goodbyes had taken place earlier yesterday morning, but just...one more moment. Because of my needed moment, we were in Montgomery, and not on our way to Birmingham. When the car broke, we were only a couple blocks away from where we needed to be.

The mechanic fixed it and fixed us. It took 3 hours, but we eventually made it back to the interstate, and now here we are. Because of our late start, I could barely keep my eyes open. I was so scared of falling asleep. I pulled over a few times to do jumping jacks, or something stupid like that, but... it didn't work. The air outside was cold, so every time I felt sleep tugging on my eyes, I would roll down the windows as fast as I could and blast myself with cold air. That worked for a little while.

Anyway, I was so close to falling asleep, and I needed help. So I called BJ. He kept me awake for the last agonizing 24 miles. We FINALLY made it. And I'm still tired. 10 more hours to go. ARGH!

So, anyway. Laura, thank you for your comments! I'm looking forward to seeing you this summer, too! And seeing your little baby boy! That's exciting. About BJ transferring schools, Huntingdon has somewhat...odd curriculum. Most students who transfer out of there run the risk of losing almost 50% of their credits. But, he actually does plan on moving to Minnesota in about a year at the latest. At least that's what he's said.

His family of course says that would hurt them, destroy them, it's not fair...but I did it, right? My family felt the same way. His family wants me to eventually move down there again, but unless BJ and I are married, I think I have to stay a northerner.

Well, that's all for now. Time to hit the road again! Let's hope the road doesn't hit me back this time.

G'night! I mean morning... boy, it feels like it's time for bed. BYE!

ME!

Oh, one more thing. THANK GOD NO MORE OH-POOH-LIKA! Opelika is ancient history, never to be seen again!