| Your Body Image is 88% Unhealthy, 12% Healthy |
You don't feel good about the way you look... pretty much ever.
And it's impacting your life so much that you need to seek help. |
Huh. Unfortunately, I was completely honest. I used to think I had no idea why I always felt the way I felt. That's not really true. I'm constantly reminded.
Aside from being made fun of, growing up... all of my insecurities stemmed from my mother. It's STILL going on today. Just a few moments ago, Sunnie came into my room to tell me she had brought home some puppy chow that she made for the Stauff's 4th of July party. I was excited! Sunnie makes the best puppy chow. (It's CHEX cereal, coated in chocolate and peaunut butter, covered in powdered sugar.) She told me to go get some before it was gone. I went right down stairs, did some chores, and then grabbed a little handful of the puppy chow. Then my mom set in.
"Stop eating bad! Just stop!" I was like...huh? "Mom, I don't eat bad..." I attempted to say, but she disagreed. She said it was her responsibility to tell me when I was damaging myself. She was saying I am extremely unhealthy... is she supposed to be the role model for all that's healthy? HAH! So I said "Why do you say these things? YOu just make me feel bad about myself." And then she said "If you have to feel bad about yourself in order for you to stop being so unhealthy, then so be it."
I walked away, and then turned back to say one more thing. "Mom, I had a handful of puppy chow. I hardly think I'm on my way to a weight forced wheelchair. Leave me and my body alone." THen she replied:
"I didn't say anything about your body, but if you want to talk about THAT... well then. I have plenty to say." and I just... gosh. I said that was mean, and she said it wasn't, and that she said nothing wrong, and I always insit on turning her words into something negative. How is the above supposed to be taken, I wonder?
She's always been cruel about my weight. One thing about our house that's absolutely crazy...if it's edible, it's off limits. Every type of food we own is my mother's property. If you consume something without her consent, you have to hide the evidence. Sometimes I think I could be in the clear by eating something good, like baby carrots. Wrong. Those were for a stir fry, how dare I? I eat too many oranges, and I'm a greedy pig. And of course, if you touch any of the junk food? You're done for. That's all my mom's... and she eats it all, too! If there's ice cream in the freezer, and you touch it... oh... you are so dead. But... she only eats healthy things, and I'm going to die of severe obesity.
People think I'm kidding about that. When I was in Alabama, staying with BJ and his family... I didn't touch any of their food. I would pretty much only eat dinner, when it was handed to me on a plate. That's how it is here, so I guess that's just the way I've been conditioned. Then I realized I was abnormal when Debra would ask what I had eaten for lunch. I started feeling guilty for NOT eating... so I would say I wasn't hungry, claiming to have an upset stomach or something. The fear was just too great to consume something that might be someone else's property.
There were so many times BJ would grab something off of their counter, or a cupboard and eat it. A chocolate bar, a doughnut, a cupcake. I was appaled! He would laugh at me when I would say "That's not yours!" And he'd look at me like I was crazy. Then he would say "It is now." I would have been in serious trouble for doing something like that!
Yesterday, my mom bought ice cream sandwiches. She gave me a speech while I was doing the dishes. "Absolutely no one has any type of dessert in this house without my permission. I buy things for myself, and I never get any of it. If you want to eat something, you can buy it yourself." But if we do that? Mom gets angry, saying how dare we buy something for ourselves with no intent to share it with her?
So, she picks on me, on my body... always has. The jelly bean. Need I say more? Probably... to those of you who have no idea what I am talking about. Every day, I get out of the shower... and without even realizing it, I say this exact same thing to my reflection, and then move on. "You're disgusting." And I believe it. I can't stand the sight of my body. I'm ashamed of it.
So the blog quiz says I need help. That's interesting. I lost a lot of weight for evil once. At least that's what I call him. Now I have love, which is BJ. Why can't I do it for him? I go back and forth, back and forth. Lose a pound, gain two. I don't understand it... because I don't get to eat at home... but when I do eat, I'm so hungry that I overdo it. Skipping meals all the time ruins my metabolism... I know. It's so hard to erase all those years of conditioning. Especially since I'm still living with my mother.
Kelly lost 100 pounds when she was in Connecticut. She moves back to Minnesota, and gets a lot of it back. Why? My mother has a way of doing that to you. It's never good enough for mom. "Kelly, you don't want to slip. YOu don't want to stumble..." For years, I told mom to just let us be... let us be ourselves and we just might amaze her... instead of breathing down our necks every single day about what we're doing wrong. Kelly moved away, and look what happened? Good things. She comes back? Not so good things. Thanks, mommy.
Anyway... I know I have an extremely unhealthy attitude about myself... but it's really hard to conquer and control. I'm working on it.
My mom's food bans work a lot like the legal drinking ago. Kids in other countries have had alcohol around their entire lives. When they hit 21, they could care less. They're not becoming raging alcoholics just because they couldn't before. My mom has hid food from us our entire lives. No wonder we have weight issues. I go to someone else's house, and they offer me a cupcake... I'm gonna eat the cupcake. Not because I want it, but because I can never have it. SABOTAGE! Is that her plan? "Kelly, Corrie... you would be so beautiful if you were thin."
Well, enough of that for now. I'm gonna go hide from the mirror.
