I got the New York job. I leave July 17th. So for all you guys out there who have fallen madly in love with me...now's your chance! I'm almost gone! Tell me NOW before I go away forever!

Okay, now that I got that out of my system...Do I want to go? I don't know. As a told my friend Scott, it's like...totally unfair. It's like my life is just like moving out of your childhood home. The place you've comfortably spent your whole life in, no matter how crappy it seemed sometime. Then you decide to move, and you make the house perfect. You fix things up, you get brand new appliances...everything sparkles, and as you leave, you wonder why it was never like that when you lived there....

That's how my life feels right now. As I'm preparing to leave, I realize it's become the life I've always wanted. I've met..."people", I have the perfect job, I've made new friends. I can finally feel things again without being afraid of getting hurt. I feel like a real person, and I don't want to give that up. Start all over. And what if...eh, nevermind. I've already written about that I think. Well...Seriously, people. Don't let me leave without knowing you really truly want me to stay, but then think it would be good for me. That's your line. Memorize it, rehearse it, make it believable. I'm an actress people, therefore very good at detecting a lie! *laughs*

Well, life is hectic, because I leave in about two weeks. This all happened way too quickly! I had to quit my job at the tea room today. I really didn't want to do it, I was so scared. Not because I was afraid they would be mad at me, I knew that once I told them this was really real. I was really leaving, and I was really giving up the perfect job. They were so great about it, and said they expect a Christmas card. I'm still writing theme teas for them via e-mail. I'm going to miss that place so much, I really really am. I only have two days left there, because they're closed for a couple of weeks around Independance Day. WHICH MEANS: I will have a LOT OF FREE TIME. To do things with friends, to attend surprise farewell parties...whatever the case may be!

Well, anyway. I guess I'll be off now. I'm typing away on my new iMac. Heh, it's kinda fun. My sister won it for me on ebay. Only $280! So anyway. Over and out. E-rokin, never stoppin, peace peace peace!

Well...I find out tomorrow if I get the New York job. If I do, that means Kelly and I can go there together at the same time. Driving, I mean. Kelly gets to bring Darla, and I get to bring Harvey. I'm so conflicted. AHHH! Okay. I want to get away, I know that. From everything, and everyone. I'm sick of feeling like I'm in the way. If I leave, I'm finally the one going somewhere. Even if it's just symbolic. I'm not the one who's going to be left behind this time. I'm going somewhere. But am I going the way I'm supposed to?

If I take the job, I can leave my mother and the insane work that goes with her, (although I love her very much...I can't stand her most days) I'm leaving anyone and everyone I've ever encountered in my entire life. I've already expressed my fears of going without being missed...

I'm the cool director, or the older sister figure, or the good friend when the real friends are all tied up. I hate the identity I've created for myself. Because when push comes to shove, and the week comes to an end, I'm the one who sits at home alone. I know there's a billion and a half people who care about me, because they've all told me so. I'm just so...I don't know. Sometimes I feel dead, because I don't feel this emotion. It really doesn't help that the majority of my friends are theater people. ACTORS. I'm so paranoid...I wish I hadn't listened to all the things I grew up hearing. We won't go into that...

If I go to New York, I leave the Tea Room. The only job I've ever had that I've actually enjoyed. They really like me there, and have already designated a billion responsibilites to me that no one else can accomplish. The creative director? Writing theme teas? Finding actors and other entertainment for every event? I really don't want to let them down. But I don't think I have a choice. My mom said if I don't go to college in the fall, I have to move out. I can't afford to move out with the hours I have at the tea room since they hired too many people. So I had to find a way to move out, so I did. I'm a New York Nanny...almost. My mom continually tells me I'm going to fail...that makes me want to go and prove her wrong. But I have to do what's right for me...if only I knew what that was.

I'm so scared I met the man I'm supposed to be with here in Minnesota, and I didn't realize it? Sure, God has a plan, but he also gave us free will so we can make mistakes. What if this is a huge mistake and I can end up a failure all alone? Why won't someone ask me to stay....

I need to stop thinking that way. Everyone's life will go on whether I stay here or not, and I don't like my life here. I like my job, but that's not enough to keep me out of the dark places I traveled to before. AHHH! Well, I'll find out tomorrow. I'll decide tomorrow. I may possibly collapse into a lifeless heap...tomorrow. I'll let you know... peace to all. Especially to me. AHHHHHHHH

Okay, everyone! Read a story and learn a little something! Go to http://settledfor.blogspot.com and enjoy! I only have the intro up, but trust me. I don't have to plan a plot, it just comes to me when it feels like it.

Nothing has happened really to update you on. My parents know about New York and I'm not dead yet. That says heaps! Maybe this is the right thing to do? I don't know...good glory. I need to go to bed. My brain is all worn out! Later, peace out!