My mom told me repeatedly that if I didn't get going and go to college, I would have to move out. So I found a way to move out. Now she's saying that it's too far away, she'd miss me too much, and that I don't have to go to college yet. What a transition! But I convinced myself that I had to go, I WOULD go unless there was some dramatic reason God gives me to stay. I feel completely and totally panicked, because I have this feeling there's a reason just staring me in the face, and I'm not seeing it. I'm like that, I'm afraid. The worst part is? I feel like I won't be missed. Sure, the hard work I do will be missed. But there's no one here that's really going to be heartbroken over my departure. Not that that's what I'm looking for. I just...wish that someone would ask me to stay. I'm sure everyone feels that way when they're going to leave. But being asked to stay because it would make a difference to someone else...it wouldn't happen. Accuse me of being sad and pathetic, I probably am. But it scares me that I don't feel like I make a dent in anyone's life sometimes...
So! I wish someone would throw me a surprise going away party. All my life I've wanted a surprise party. I've never had one. But that fear inside...no one would come! Really...who would. No one even came to my birthday party. I sound like such a loser! Ahhh! It was my own fault, anyway. I let my insecurities ruin things for me. And other stupid people...ah, well. I'll throw myself a party. I'll take me out to a movie. (Like I did today. Oh, yeah. Saw "From Justin To Kelly." Go American Idol first season! My favorite forever!!!) Is it wrong to think I've found a reason to stay? I told Kelly about it, and she laughed at me, telling me my supposed reason is stupid. What if it isn't? What if it's the reason God sent? There's just...something I can't talk about yet. We'll see what happens. God, please don't keep me in suspense for too much longer!
You know what? I really want a boyfriend. Laugh all you want. I have my reasons. People warn me against them, people tell me I'm lucky. Whatever whatever whatever! I'd like to find out for myself thank you. I want to matter to someone. I don't matter to most. Not in a mattering way. *laughs* Sure, I'm a swell pal when you need one. When you don't...well, you don't. I love so so so many people. I don't leave enough of me left to love me. I need someone else to love me, and teach me how to love me too. *laughs heartily, throwing head back...coughs as she inhales mosquito* Dang bugs...
Well, let's see! If this New York thing happens, I have to quit my job at the Tea Room, and I don't know how...ahhhhhh...Well, I better sign off for now. I am sleepy, and alas. I work in the morning. I will try my very hardest to keep this thing a little more updated. Oh! I'm starting a new story, based on certain parts of my life. It's tentatively called "Settled For". I think I'm going to put it in an additional blog, so anyone and everyone who reads this thing, could also read my story! It's going to be fantastical! I hope...maybe this is the big one, guys! The one to be published! It has promise, it does it does!
Peace out, yo! E-rokin all the way to Nantucket! (Will explain some other time)
