Wednesday, May 23, 2007
This is something that is really frustrating me, and this is the easiest way to get it off my chest. Copy and paste! For years now there's been this almost feud with my cousins over all the things that they haven't been a part of, etc etc. They may hate me forever now, but I am tired of my family being made out to be villains. And since Kelly reads this on a regular basis, this is the easiest way to vent to my sister!!
I am the only person who tries to arrange things, etc. And since my mom's health of been on the fristz for I dunno, 8 YEARS... you'd think they would get over themselves a little and meet me half way, but no! It's like pulling teeth just to get them to admit we're related, and it is seriously damaging me! It hurts, it hurts, it HURTS REALLY BAD!!!! And I am PISSED OFF!!!!!
So, again, I opened the lines of communication, sending Alana a message via MySpace. I said :
Hey there babe. I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you. I guess I could wait forever for someone on your end to contact ME but i know it wouldn't happen. I know your dad isn't part of the picture, but I would love to still be your family. I miss you.
Alana wrote back :
I miss you too. And I hear your going through a rough time again. I'm sorry to hear that. I know our family doesn't keep in contact well, but there have been a lot of things that have hurt US! We dont feel like a part of your family. Never really have! Heck... we werent even invited to most of the reunions till the DAY of the reunions. How about Missy's wedding???? We sure as hell werent invited! Let alone KNOW about it till MAYBE a week in advance. I DO love you and I DO miss you! YOU corrie have always showed that you care! And I'm sorry I havent kept in contact with you as well as you have. I have so much bitterness towards certain members on my dads side of the family and Im sorry for taking it out (NOT DELIBERATELY) on you! I love you corrie and I hope we can keep in contact better. Right now I'm in illinois taking care of my grandma. I've been down here for a month and I dont know how much longer I will be here. But I will make sure to give you a call when Im back in town. Me and Eli's dad are no longer together and I'm back with my ex fiance Shane. My mom finds out tomorrow whether SHE has cancer or not and jerry is possibly leaving for the army when he graduates next month. Joey is on the verge of juvi. Britt is still fine and dandy(great auntie) J.D. is still a work-a-holic, and CJ keeps getting older, taller, and sassier every day. Eli is crawlin, climbin, teethin, squakin, and sayin Momma and hi. He just keeps getting a better and funnier personality every day. He's definately a lil monster but he's a good baby. So there's an update for you. Like I said.. I dont know too much of what's going on with your mom... but Im sorry your going through what you are. I can only imagine. but anyway... I have to get going. again.. love you and miss you... I guess I'll talk to you later.
Granted a portion of her reply was somewhat nice and easy going and 'oh Corrie I love you' it pissed me off! I am so tired of all this crap! They've been invited to EVERYTHING they just don't come! They blow me off! ARGH!! So I may have gone off a little bit, but...here's what I wrote back.
I didn't want to put this in a comment, but I did want to write to you. Alana, neither side can be justified. When it comes down to it, your dad is just crappy. Invitations for things were HIS responsibility. He said he had passed so many things along to you, but that you had all not wanted to go. We can only push so hard. YOu yourself call him a dead beat dad. Missy's invitations were sent to him, because NONE of you give us any forwarding information about where the heck you are. I have had to hunt you all down time and time again! I have worked my butt off trying to make you feel like part of MY family, (my invitations go without response most times) when all I get in return is shunning from yours.
I love and treasure each and every one of you. You all are very angry with your dad, and so are we. Please don't blame me or my family for his mistakes. Every event has had your names on it, and it's your dad's fault that you didn't know that. We don't always know how to get in contact with you.
My mom is very sick. She was clinically dead a few weeks ago and I had to call 911. It was the most horrific experience of my life. I left a message on your brother's voicemail. No one called back. I am reaching, and reaching, and reaching. YOu can hold grudges all you want, but when it comes down to it, none of you have been there for any of us through some of the most horrific traumatizing times imaginable. My mom has been holding onto threads for too long, and I've begged and begged for you guys to come and see her. I just don't understand.
We all used to be so close! It can't just be me doing this, it just can't. I hope and pray and pray and pray that your mom doesn't have to go through a fraction of what we've gone through. Please don't let it be cancer...it eats the entire family alive, and I promise you....when you reach out to people, they tend to run in the opposite direction. I know you all did. It hurts like hell.
My mom is sick, she couldn't visit you when Eli was born. She wanted to. Things happen in your lives, and we go uninformed. Grandma has boxes of Christmas gifts and grad presents, waiting for invitations that never came. She never gives up...you can hate her all you want for stupid reasons, but she is one of the strongest women I have ever met.
My family aside, I personally am hurt by your endless accusations of us hurting you. I have tried SO HARD to keep some sort of bridge going. Please let go of the hate and bitterness, you're directing it at the wrong people. This is your dad's fault. You know it, I know it, he knows it. We have always wanted you and your siblings around ALWAYS. STOP DOUBTING THAT!!! The hurt you've experienced will not be forgotten. You are loved, and you are cherished, and you are prayed for every single day.
YOu are my family. All of your siblings are my family. My invitations won't stop, so stop saying you're not invited. You always have been. If the invites never reached you, that can't be our fault anymore. We learned the hard way that your dad is not the person to go through. He's not much of a dad to you either.
I love your mom, and praise her for raising all of you on her own. She's a very strong woman. I've always loved spending time with her, and want to as much as I possibly can...but the communication is one way these days. I'm doing my best. Stop hating me, and start returning the favor, okay? I'll never settle for losing any of you.
I love you Alana. I love all of you. Please...if you have wanted so badly to be included as part of the family, why have you never acted as part of the family? The road goes both ways. Meet me halfway.
Corrie
Okay, the end. Now I'm going to bed angrily to stare at the wall, burning imaginary holes through things I can't see in the dark... ARGH! I am in some mood this evening. Watch out!
Me
I am the only person who tries to arrange things, etc. And since my mom's health of been on the fristz for I dunno, 8 YEARS... you'd think they would get over themselves a little and meet me half way, but no! It's like pulling teeth just to get them to admit we're related, and it is seriously damaging me! It hurts, it hurts, it HURTS REALLY BAD!!!! And I am PISSED OFF!!!!!
So, again, I opened the lines of communication, sending Alana a message via MySpace. I said :
Hey there babe. I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you. I guess I could wait forever for someone on your end to contact ME but i know it wouldn't happen. I know your dad isn't part of the picture, but I would love to still be your family. I miss you.
Alana wrote back :
I miss you too. And I hear your going through a rough time again. I'm sorry to hear that. I know our family doesn't keep in contact well, but there have been a lot of things that have hurt US! We dont feel like a part of your family. Never really have! Heck... we werent even invited to most of the reunions till the DAY of the reunions. How about Missy's wedding???? We sure as hell werent invited! Let alone KNOW about it till MAYBE a week in advance. I DO love you and I DO miss you! YOU corrie have always showed that you care! And I'm sorry I havent kept in contact with you as well as you have. I have so much bitterness towards certain members on my dads side of the family and Im sorry for taking it out (NOT DELIBERATELY) on you! I love you corrie and I hope we can keep in contact better. Right now I'm in illinois taking care of my grandma. I've been down here for a month and I dont know how much longer I will be here. But I will make sure to give you a call when Im back in town. Me and Eli's dad are no longer together and I'm back with my ex fiance Shane. My mom finds out tomorrow whether SHE has cancer or not and jerry is possibly leaving for the army when he graduates next month. Joey is on the verge of juvi. Britt is still fine and dandy(great auntie) J.D. is still a work-a-holic, and CJ keeps getting older, taller, and sassier every day. Eli is crawlin, climbin, teethin, squakin, and sayin Momma and hi. He just keeps getting a better and funnier personality every day. He's definately a lil monster but he's a good baby. So there's an update for you. Like I said.. I dont know too much of what's going on with your mom... but Im sorry your going through what you are. I can only imagine. but anyway... I have to get going. again.. love you and miss you... I guess I'll talk to you later.
Granted a portion of her reply was somewhat nice and easy going and 'oh Corrie I love you' it pissed me off! I am so tired of all this crap! They've been invited to EVERYTHING they just don't come! They blow me off! ARGH!! So I may have gone off a little bit, but...here's what I wrote back.
I didn't want to put this in a comment, but I did want to write to you. Alana, neither side can be justified. When it comes down to it, your dad is just crappy. Invitations for things were HIS responsibility. He said he had passed so many things along to you, but that you had all not wanted to go. We can only push so hard. YOu yourself call him a dead beat dad. Missy's invitations were sent to him, because NONE of you give us any forwarding information about where the heck you are. I have had to hunt you all down time and time again! I have worked my butt off trying to make you feel like part of MY family, (my invitations go without response most times) when all I get in return is shunning from yours.
I love and treasure each and every one of you. You all are very angry with your dad, and so are we. Please don't blame me or my family for his mistakes. Every event has had your names on it, and it's your dad's fault that you didn't know that. We don't always know how to get in contact with you.
My mom is very sick. She was clinically dead a few weeks ago and I had to call 911. It was the most horrific experience of my life. I left a message on your brother's voicemail. No one called back. I am reaching, and reaching, and reaching. YOu can hold grudges all you want, but when it comes down to it, none of you have been there for any of us through some of the most horrific traumatizing times imaginable. My mom has been holding onto threads for too long, and I've begged and begged for you guys to come and see her. I just don't understand.
We all used to be so close! It can't just be me doing this, it just can't. I hope and pray and pray and pray that your mom doesn't have to go through a fraction of what we've gone through. Please don't let it be cancer...it eats the entire family alive, and I promise you....when you reach out to people, they tend to run in the opposite direction. I know you all did. It hurts like hell.
My mom is sick, she couldn't visit you when Eli was born. She wanted to. Things happen in your lives, and we go uninformed. Grandma has boxes of Christmas gifts and grad presents, waiting for invitations that never came. She never gives up...you can hate her all you want for stupid reasons, but she is one of the strongest women I have ever met.
My family aside, I personally am hurt by your endless accusations of us hurting you. I have tried SO HARD to keep some sort of bridge going. Please let go of the hate and bitterness, you're directing it at the wrong people. This is your dad's fault. You know it, I know it, he knows it. We have always wanted you and your siblings around ALWAYS. STOP DOUBTING THAT!!! The hurt you've experienced will not be forgotten. You are loved, and you are cherished, and you are prayed for every single day.
YOu are my family. All of your siblings are my family. My invitations won't stop, so stop saying you're not invited. You always have been. If the invites never reached you, that can't be our fault anymore. We learned the hard way that your dad is not the person to go through. He's not much of a dad to you either.
I love your mom, and praise her for raising all of you on her own. She's a very strong woman. I've always loved spending time with her, and want to as much as I possibly can...but the communication is one way these days. I'm doing my best. Stop hating me, and start returning the favor, okay? I'll never settle for losing any of you.
I love you Alana. I love all of you. Please...if you have wanted so badly to be included as part of the family, why have you never acted as part of the family? The road goes both ways. Meet me halfway.
Corrie
Okay, the end. Now I'm going to bed angrily to stare at the wall, burning imaginary holes through things I can't see in the dark... ARGH! I am in some mood this evening. Watch out!
Me
Monday, May 21, 2007
I listened to an old favorite in the car this morning. "Spy" by The Moffatts. It struck me in a way it hasn't in the past. It was really enjoyable, actually. I could feel my eyes glaze over as I listened to it again for the first time, as corny as that may sound. Scott has that unique sound that I've always adored, and just to listen really LISTEN to the words made me feel like I was figuring something out. It's repetitive and a little long, but every second of it made me love it even more.
Seen through a blur on the wall
I feel so disillusioned of it all
I spy on myself
Through that blur on the wall
I feel so connected to my faults
And it's me that I am spying on
Without seeing all the things gone wrong
and it's me I am crawling from
I was telling Andi last night that I didn't think this would be me. And by me, I mean that I am now someone completely different than I grew up thinking I would be. So many things happen in life that make that person you envisioned completely obsolete, and I know that. It was just so strange. I do feel like I'm spying on myself. Not on the person I used to be, but the new one... like she's someone I barely know. I'm crawling away from myself too, because it's almost like I'm scared of getting to know her.
There are things that are happening every day that are not things that would have happened in the past, without this new version ofmyself. Things that could have been disasters are only ant hills now. Or maybe that it's just that I am going "without seeing all the things gone wrong"... which is entirely possible as well.
Do I know what love is? Does anyone? One thing I know is that Andi doesn't love me, nor should he after such a short time. I think BJ loved me at one point, but stopped a very long time ago.
Do I know how to love? I have no idea. I'm scared of people. I don't know if I've ever let anyone as close as I'd like to think I have. I love from a distance if at all.
Amber mistakenly accused me of acting my way through life, because she had misunderstood something I had said. Maybe in the heat of her moment she got it right. Maybe I don't let things close enough to be real. They used to be real. The first time my mom was really sick everything hit harder than it does this time. Why is that? Because I'm too prepared? Or is it because I'm not allowing it to be real, and I'd rather fake happy? Am I faking or is it real? At this point anything is possible. I don't know who is who at the moment...as far as the versions of me go.
Who can I dump this burden on, of helping to figure me out? God, of course. But how do I know if I'm open enough to listen? Sometimes I feel like I'm straining so hard to hear an answer that has already arrived, and I missed it. I'm probably looking too hard for things that are right in front of my face. I'm gonna find it one day and feel so stupid...just like I did with all those darn "Where's Waldo" books. I never found him first, it was always Stina. EVERY single time! Hahaha. Ah, childhood. How I long for it at times!
Life is exhausting when you're old enough and aware enough to see everything that's wrong with it. Then you have to choose to look and live beyond your faults and the faults of those around you and actually enjoy yourself. That's even MORE exhausting, but EVERYONE does it. Then I guess doesn't EVERYONE act their way through life? Shakespeare is a genius. "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." Which part should I play now?
Act 23 scene 1.... this is a very long play.
Lights up, and... ACTION!
... now what?
Seen through a blur on the wall
I feel so disillusioned of it all
I spy on myself
Through that blur on the wall
I feel so connected to my faults
And it's me that I am spying on
Without seeing all the things gone wrong
and it's me I am crawling from
I was telling Andi last night that I didn't think this would be me. And by me, I mean that I am now someone completely different than I grew up thinking I would be. So many things happen in life that make that person you envisioned completely obsolete, and I know that. It was just so strange. I do feel like I'm spying on myself. Not on the person I used to be, but the new one... like she's someone I barely know. I'm crawling away from myself too, because it's almost like I'm scared of getting to know her.
There are things that are happening every day that are not things that would have happened in the past, without this new version ofmyself. Things that could have been disasters are only ant hills now. Or maybe that it's just that I am going "without seeing all the things gone wrong"... which is entirely possible as well.
Do I know what love is? Does anyone? One thing I know is that Andi doesn't love me, nor should he after such a short time. I think BJ loved me at one point, but stopped a very long time ago.
Do I know how to love? I have no idea. I'm scared of people. I don't know if I've ever let anyone as close as I'd like to think I have. I love from a distance if at all.
Amber mistakenly accused me of acting my way through life, because she had misunderstood something I had said. Maybe in the heat of her moment she got it right. Maybe I don't let things close enough to be real. They used to be real. The first time my mom was really sick everything hit harder than it does this time. Why is that? Because I'm too prepared? Or is it because I'm not allowing it to be real, and I'd rather fake happy? Am I faking or is it real? At this point anything is possible. I don't know who is who at the moment...as far as the versions of me go.
Who can I dump this burden on, of helping to figure me out? God, of course. But how do I know if I'm open enough to listen? Sometimes I feel like I'm straining so hard to hear an answer that has already arrived, and I missed it. I'm probably looking too hard for things that are right in front of my face. I'm gonna find it one day and feel so stupid...just like I did with all those darn "Where's Waldo" books. I never found him first, it was always Stina. EVERY single time! Hahaha. Ah, childhood. How I long for it at times!
Life is exhausting when you're old enough and aware enough to see everything that's wrong with it. Then you have to choose to look and live beyond your faults and the faults of those around you and actually enjoy yourself. That's even MORE exhausting, but EVERYONE does it. Then I guess doesn't EVERYONE act their way through life? Shakespeare is a genius. "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." Which part should I play now?
Act 23 scene 1.... this is a very long play.
Lights up, and... ACTION!
... now what?