At the very beginning of this journal a million years ago, I promised myself and everyone else that I would write the truth as I see it. It was my resolution, and I've stuck to it. From the beginning I stated if you don't want to know what I really think, don't read this. Unlike me in person, it doesn't hide anything. It's out there for the world to see, or ignore as they see fit.
In the beginning I kept up my great fear of offending someone. What if they read this and hate me forever? Well...they didn't have to read it in the first place, right? Then that started to seem cold. Then I realized no one really read this anyway. In the beginning maybe...refresher:
Tim Beier. He read it every day. I told the truth. It was painful, but in the end it turned out to be a very good thing. Because he knew the truth, he sped up the rejection process. Saved me a lot of overall agony.
The person I am closest to in the whole entire world is Kelly. She knows this, everyone knows this. She never read my journal. For some reason, I believed she never would. She's too busy. If I wanted her to know what was going on in my life, I would tell her. Tell her everything? Probably not. Nobody tells anybody everything. There's always some little morsel they keep to themselves and tuck in their back pocket. Especially the people they're closest to.
ANYWAY. The people you're around the most, talk to the most...the people who you're most like...who do you talk to about them? When you're so much like someone else, you can see yourself reflected back at you. Sometimes you don't like what you see.
Kelly when she was here for Christmas, It started out great and ended great. But somewhere in the middle things got sour, and I wrote a journal entry. That's what I do when I have a problem with Kelly, because she is so well loved, how do you complain? You don't...you write to yourself.
So, secure in the idea she never read my journal, I wrote how I was feeling at the moment. Last year it was worse, we really rubbed up against each other. This year, most of it was my personal problems that (and no blame here) Kelly didn't really feel like dealing with. Instead we were both just crabby. Rooms get smaller, air thicker...when the person you love the most doesn't seem to like who you are, you hate yourself and that person to a suffocating degree. I wanted her to leave.
The day Kelly left I cried all day. I never wrote that in my journal. Maybe because I was ashamed. I was even mad at her for leaving. While there was the "friction" a lot of it had to do with the stupid BJ incident. I felt betrayed for no good reason, and she seemed more interested in creating this new relationship than protection the one she has with me. I know that was a horrible assumption, and I was wrong.
I was furious, and at the time I really REALLY wanted her to leave. When it started getting close to when she WAS leaving, I started to panic. I had wasted time being mad and hurt over stupid things. When she left, I was furious with her, completely silently. How could she come back, and be my best friend again? I had something to do, and someone to do it with every single day!! We both did some stuff to piss each other off, and then we got over it. She left, and everything was back to crappy normalness...
To sum it up, Kelly read my journal. How much of it, I don't know. She read the honest truth of the moment, and I don't regret writing it in the slightest bit. It's something for me to look back on and think "You stupid dumb idiot...you overreacted" and that's my right. That's what writing is. It's a growth process.
She read the part where I said "Just like last year, I'm ready for her to leave." she probably read the stuff about us rubbing up against each other, and if she wants to deny that that ever happened, that's fine. I wanted her to leave, and I never wanted her to go away again.
She was too hurt to talk to me and she went away. As badly as I feel about it all, I'm still proud of myself for being honest. That sounds terrible...but I've screwed up too many things in life by hiding how I truly feel. She knows that the stupid BJ conversation bothered me now, and I spose that's a good thing. BOTHERED as in the past though, because it's really...unimportant now.
Anyway... I don't have to make excuses for what I wrote. It's my journal...I'm glad she read it. Mystery solved, right? At least I know she was finally interested enough to find out the process behind the madness... because most days that's what it is. The truth from yesterday will be different tomorrow. Looking at something with your nose pressed up against it in aggrivated assault turns into a compeltely different image when you take a breath and a step back. She knows that. I know that. And being as bad as I am with updating this journal, I never took the time to tell the world about the big picture. Oh well. Life is like that. You just have to move forward.
Peace. I'm out.
Corrie
