That is a picture of Nicole, Kelly, Me and BJ. Nicole just sent it to me, it was taken last August. There has been a lot of miscommunications and what not, and it's all very unfortunate. Nicole and I both probably could have had a good friend when we needed one, if only...if only. Which is a good song! AND the name of a fan fiction I started...never finished, surprise, surprise. I used to pride myself on how original my fanfic beginnings were. They WERE good! But all I'm good at is beginnings. The rest takes work. Much like relationships. I'll get better. If I can, anyone can! (hint, hint)

So here's to new beginnings, and making them turn into good stories, with no end in sight. TADA! Love you.

ME!

Things are quite possibly looking up for me, for Kelly, for me AND Kelly, for me and other people. Anyway! If you haven't read Kelly's journal, you should. She has good news. The summary of said good news? She got an apartment...a very KELLY apartment, downtown WBL. I'm sure we shall post pictures of it someday in the not too distant future. It's very...right for Kelly. All the info behind how she/we found it and what not is all on her journal, which you can read via the link on the right. She's happy, which is splendid.

I also have good news. I might get a job at Lakeshore Players, the little community theater here in White Bear Lake. I auditioned there once for "Joseph.." I was so stinking nervous, I danced into the wall. I was so traumatized, I never went back! Kelly and I saw "Always, Patsy Cline" there. Lakeshore pretty much sells out every show, and they really do a good job. I used to usher there back in junior and senior high. I loved it, saw the shows for free!

Anyway, I think I get an interview today. If nothing else, she wants me to stop by with a resume, so we'll see what we see.

So, that's all I have to report for now. More later maybe. BYE!

I spent some good time with Nikki yesterday. We finally watched Nicholas Nickleby together. I had been wanting her to see it for years. She loved it. I knew she would.

In the midst of all the drama, I think I forgot to mention that Nikki DID in fact come visit, and it was great. Poor thing had to winess a lot of tears and struggles in just the few days she was there, but... she was so wonderful to have there. Endless thank yous go out to Carolyn, who was the entire reason why that visit was possible. I was so glad she was there. Making her laugh made me feel so much better, and I'm good at making her laugh. That's one thing I'm good at. The only other thing I'm really good at, is pretending to be someone else. Another reason why Nikki and I originally bonded. Distant Stare, Now and Forever. We were Angel and Becca. Don't know? Then you're just not special enough.

Anyway. It was great spending time with her. She's so beautiful, and she doesn't even know it. Here's a picture of her and BJ when we were dropping her off at the airport. Despite our differences and distances, Nikki and I will always be friends. I laugh more with her than with anyone, no matter what.



Anyway, it was good to see her yesterday. She just turned 21. We're both so "good" though, that that didn't mean a darn thing to her either. I always miss her.

So, the same thing just happened to Kelly that happened to me with Lynn. Found a woman to live with, and she changed her mind. At least Kelly didn't have months of "I can't wait for you to be the daughter I never had, I'm so excited to love you, I'm so excited to share my home with you. This is a God thing!" -- because that was just plain evil!

She's real down about it all, and things the walls are falling in around her. I know how that feels. I guess she also feels like lashing out. I'm well within reach, so go for it.

Leaving Alabama was a blessing to Kelly, leaving bad behind. I was leaving all my good behind, all my happy. Yes, I encountered a LOT of problems there as well, but BJ was there. Nothing good comes out of being without him. I don't think Kelly really understands that. I was just as happy to get out from underneath Benlee's watchful eye, but I actually had to leave something major behind. Kelly left a lot of material possessions. So did I.

She keeps reminding me about all the sacrifices she made for me, and all the things she paid for with her tax return and cell phone deposit money, because I was literally penniless. She won't let me forget. If I never had to borrow a cent from ANYONE, that's how I would prefer it. Kelly is an extremely generous person, and I've always appreciated the things she's done for me. She also wants to make sure I don't forget how generous she is, and how much she's done for me.

If I could give her all the money in the world, I would. If I could pay her back plus interest, I would. The key words here friends, are IF I COULD, because I can't. I owe everybody for everything, and for what? To be back in a place I thought I was done with forever?

Before I got back here, I thought I would automatically feel comforted by familiarity. The same streets, the same sounds, the same smells. The same people, the same places... same old same old. Instead it all just makes me sad. The same harsh words are thrown at me for staying in my room too long. Well, I don't feel welcome anywhere else, so where am I supposed to go? I want to be alone most of the time, and that makes me unforgivable.

I don't know what to do. I'm humiliated. I had thrown caution to the wind to set out on an adventure that met with one disaster after another. Nothing was destroyed though, except my ability to stay. I begged Kelly to move down there so we could get a place together, yes. If she wants to blame me for ruining her life...like she seems to be doing, that's fine. Alabama was a waste of her time, of her life. But not mine. Opelika was a waste of my time, of my life. The main reason I pushed Kelly to move, is I wanted her to be happy. I didn't want her to have to go through what I went through with BJ. I thought they would be able to have a normal dating life right off the bat. I didn't know they would be planning a trip down the aisle so soon. THat was Benlee, but...I still didn't expect it.

I wanted her to be with the man I thought would make her forever happy. Neither of us knew him, so I won't be blamed for pushing. Everyone pushed. Everyone shoved. Everyone crammed dreams into a little sardine can, and it expoded. We're all messy now.

I am completely humiliated. Crawling back with my tail between my legs, my head hung in shame, defeat, failure. I thought my life was finally taking off, and instead I get knocked down to my butt again, and all they can do is kick me when I'm down.

I'm not doing enough to repay Kelly for her unbelievable kindness and generosity. She's only asking me for a FRACTION of what I owe her, and all I do is crab crab crab. My parents are so kind and generous allowing me to stay here, when I don't belong. They are so kind to remind me that I shouldn't be here, that I should be out on my own. They don't want me here, but I'm their daughter, so they won't turn me away. I need to get back on my feet, they tell me. I'm 22 years old, they tell me. Thank you. I forgot.

Kelly feels like she's gone through so much more than I have. She's lost so much more. She's spent so much more. So much in fact, that I could never repay her. She's probably right. She could afford to get herself out of a mess she got herself into. I couldn't. I didn't have anyone to hold onto except her, and just kind of hang on for the ride. She zipped out of Alabama, and here I am. It's true we had nowhere else to go. WE had nowhere else to go, nothing to do but get out. Nothing for two. Somethings for one.

She was going to go to Connecticut. Would I still be a villain if she was in Connecticut? Would she still think I owed her the world if she already owned it? Her world was on the East coast. She was so happy when the opportunity presented itself again. She changed her mind. Is that my fault too?

I will owe her for the rest of my life for her getting me back to Minnesota. Does that mean I owe her for all this misery? I am so unhappy at times, that I can't breathe. Or is that my normal breathing problems? I can't tell the difference. I'm out of medicine. I'm out of sanity. I went backwards. I was supposed to be moving forwards, and I'm back here again. Back to then. Back to blah. Back to Caribou? That's not happy. Soon Kelly will be in charge of me there too. Will that make her happier?

I can never repay, I can never live up to what they want. Any of them. I have someone to love, someone to love me, and I still stare in the mirror, hearing my mothers words, hearing his father's words, and thinking that I will never be good enough for anyone. Where do I go from here?

I am a failure. I am a nothing. No, I'm not a nothing. I am somebody's someone. I am my everything's everything. I am in love, and loved. Which is right? Love is not enough, or love is all there is? I can't remember the good words, sometimes. Only the bad. Why does the mind work that way? You remember what you owe and to whom, but you can't remember why. You can remember who owes you and how much, but you can't remember why you had to help them in the first place. If you did remember, you would think there would be more understanding. More compassion.

I'll pay when I can. I have four dollars. Do you want it? I'll give it to you. You still have more than me. You have so much more than me. I'm not asking you for anything. You give with the assurance of recieving in return? I'll pay you back someday. Just don't remind me everyday that I have to.

I wish I always had the answers. I wish I never had to ask for help. Help isn't free, and it shouldn't be. When money is concerned, those who always need help with it, are the ones who owe the most. The ones who need it need to give it when they get it. It sucks! Jouvenile as it sounds, it sucks it sucks, it sucks.

Life's not fair. The sooner you accept that, the soone you can see the beauty in it. The beauty behind God's design. Appreciate the picture instead of the brush strokes. See everything, not selected selections.

Don't ask me, don't confront me. Take it for what it is, a journal. My journal. People ask me why I lay it all out on a public table. I don't really know. It's easier to keep up, it's sometimes fun to share. The personal things people learn about me along the way...I guess I always cling to the hope of mutual understanding. World peace! Yeah right. It just is what it is. Take it or leave it. I don't care either way.

I love you, BJ. 7 weeks and five days. I love you so much.