Your Irish Name Is...

Isobel O'Neill

What's your Irish Name?

Cool! I didn't know I could do those things in here! But I never really tried. Happy Birthday Jamison! You're the best little brother I've ever had!!

In other news, life is grand. God has been working so much in my life, and it all seemed to become clear in one day. I've been having a lot of doubts and fears lately about a lot of things, and with God's help, I figured out what everything was stemming from. It's so funny how everything can become so CLEAR so FAST!

BJ came over last night, and it was just...*sigh*. There was no tension, no things left unsaid, everything was out in the open...and the "problems" I thought were there before were so insignificant. I had mentioned in here earlier that something has changed in our relationship and I couldn't figure out what it was. Well, with God's help I did. Everything feels so good now. SO GOOD!

I know I sound a little cryptic, but I don't think I could properly explain what I mean if I wanted to. Just know that I'm happy now. FINALLY! I'm always happy to be with BJ...but now I'm happy inside and out, and that's a huge deal to me. I kept getting teary eyed last night...out of pure joy. I just couldn't believe how easy it all was. I finally accomplished something that I've always had trouble with. I let go and let GOD. I needed to do it a long time ago, but I was so so so scared of everything. Blaming anything and everyone for any minor detail that may assist me in my pity party. Just like the commercials say...depression hurts everyone. I'm so glad it's over.

I think I'm going to leave it at that now. I'm really starting to embrace the fact that I didn't leave my life behind, I just decided to start another one. A good one! Time to start living it.

I AM SO IN LOVE! And finally I can just nestle up with that fact and get cozy. I'm not scared anymore. Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, thank you! Last night also, real quick I must say...BJ and I experienced an awesome little exchange of
dialogue". Primarily BJ...so you should click on the link to the right and read his latest journal entry.

I love you all! Write me a letter! ...please?

ME!

Your attention, please. I have added another link to an old favortite. Fan Fiction Etc. Was the fan fiction site that belonged to Kelly and I. It's so fun to go back and look at! So if you feel like reading about our old obsessions, please. Go for it! Enjoy!

I have a new layout! It's pretty! It's green. Anyway.

I need to get better. In more ways than five methinks. I'm having difficulties in too many areas. I need to cut down on problems. I wish that were easier. Blah blah blah blah blah.

SO! I love love letters. I used to dream of love letters when I was little. I wrote myself love letters and hide them in my desk at school to make the boys in my elementary school jealous. I was such a little...gosh. I was funny. ANYWAY! I love love letters. I re-read some from BJ recently, and sometimes I find it hard to believe that they were actually written to me. It's funny. They're so wonderful, I feel like I wrote them to myself! One of my favorites is the card BJ gave me with a bouquet of roses.

"To the woman who made my heart beat for the first time..."

*CHILLS*-- my Prince Charming. Anyway. I just felt like gushing a bit. I've noticed myself slipping back into some old habits. Things Kelly used to continually criticize me for. My own form of self mutilation, relationship sabotage. Every once in awhile, I find myself doing it with BJ. Sometimes he deserves my "complaints"... but. Something is just different, and I think that it has a lot to do with the move. Something is missing. But not love. Nope, nope, nope.

I'm scared of everything, and I know it. At least I admit it. Sometimes people don't want to know if you're scared, though. In high school I always got told how I was so admired because of my strength. Nothing phased me. At least not on the outside. My choir director gave me an award at the end of the year. She calls them the "Dymit Awards" (Her last name) and she makes them up. Some things are really stupid, such as the award for the longest note held, or something like that. I got the last award, and the loudest applause. I kept the certificate. It says "For her spirit, strength and courage. We can all learn from her." If only they knew how messed up I was at the time. But maybe that's what strength is. Not being so transparent. I worked so hard on the walls thing, and BJ wanted them to disappear. I wonder if he regrets that...

ANYWAY. Enough for now. I need to focus on the good. I can't wait to see BJ tonight. I'll feel so much better. Get out of my head bad, crippling thoughts!

IN other news, I received a belated Christmas gift from Nikki in the mail the other day. I LOVE getting mail! (hint hint) So! If you want it, I will gladly give you my new address.

Kelly is going to be here soon. I can't wait. It's gonna be so much better. I will have a best friend aside from BJ, and stop driving everybody crazy. I'm driving myself crazy. BAH!

I love you all. Especially you. And YOU are the greatest. You're wonderful. Hehehe. BYE!

Me

Hello friends. Still not feeling completely complete, but my attitude is better. I'm excited to see BJ tomorrow. Saturday is his cousin's wedding, so that will be more family meeting fun. And then Tuesday Kelly gets here. I'm trying really hard to have a brighter view of things. I know it's been tough on BJ too. Tougher on me, but still. Even Elke said when I'm unhappy, I bring people down. I hate hearing that, but I know it's true. Here's my official apology: I'm sorry for my contagious sadness. I really am.

So! I talked to Kelly and my mom last night. My mom is sending me clothes for the wedding, because all of my nice clothes mysteriously disappeared. I have no idea what happened to them. I talked to Kelly about apartment supplies. She has EVERYTHING I want except a toilet brush, and a toaster. Dang.

Well, I guess I don't have as much to say as I thought I did. Oh, well. I'm sure I'll make up for it later. Farewell, friends.

Me

TRUTH BE TOLD. I am sick. Again. I spent the majority of the night in the bathroom. I am miserable. I'm so tired of feeling not good. Before...I know I was depressed. Depression opens the gates to illness. That was my fault. But having been in it and coming out of it before, at least I can recognize it. I only fell deeply once or twice. I didn't stay in it for weeks at a time like before.

I came online with the hopes of finding a distraction. I always love hearing from back home. That always lifts my spirits. I got to hear from my Amber, and Sunnie sent some more pictures.

My head won't stop pounding. It gets a little better every day, but I've never had a 3-day headache before. It MUST be hormonal. Birth control withdrawal? I dunno. It was prescribed for me years ago, but I have no more health insurance at the moment.

BJ said his Aunt is going to get it for me for free (female issues...too many of them.) that's one of the promises he made before I moved down here. There were a lot of those promises flying around when I would express my concerns. Apparently, I'm going to have the meds by Saturday. I explained to BJ last night that I didn't mean to harass him about it. (Because he had said he didn't want to be so pushy with his aunt) and I didn't want to push his aunt, but it's a little more than a little important. Had I known this wasn't as "taken care of" as I was lead to believe, I may have waited in moving. I put it into perspective though. It's not just my problem, (since we plan to be married) without the medication we may not be able to have children in the future. Funny problem, huh? Without birth control, I can't get pregnant. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

I can't get rid of this headache. I can't really look at the computer screen. I tried, I failed. If there are a lot of typos, forgive me. I didnt check. Thank you to those who write to me. Takes the edge off the pain. I'm okay though. I'm afraid I won't be better until I have the meds, though. If this headache is what I think it is. And it's not just a headache...it's...well, I thought I had caught the flu from BJ last night. I felt really sick. I hope I am wrong. I think I was wrong...but I can't tell the difference right now.

Oh, it's gonna be a long week if I'm right about the meds. Good glory. Save me.

ME!

I drove to Montgomery yesterday (Sunday) for church. I love BJ. Unfortunately, Saturday night BJ's computer officially died. I told him I would make sure Kelly brings my laptop down, and BJ can use that. Lauren bogged his computer down with teen trap web viruses, even though she was told not to go to those certain sites. It completely ate his computer, erased Windows completely and everything he had stored on it.

Anyway, church was fun. It was a sermon BJ and I both needed to hear, about how God can work in your life no matter where you are, or what you have. In our devotions, BJ and I just finished the book of Joshua, and move onto Judges tonight.

So, after church BJ and I went back to his house for lunch, but his mom was asleep so we went to A&W instead. I had a headache, and thought it was because I hadn't eaten anything. So, I ate. Probably too fast, but I ate. Hoping it would be better.

Then we went to Shakespeare to take some pictures to send home. I was feeling a little weird, and I felt bad...because he wanted to walk around and explore, and I was feeling too dizzy.

After that we went to the RAVE movie theater to see "Failure to Launch". It was really funny, and headache/sickness aside, I really enjoyed it. I love hearing BJ's laugh. I really really love that. After the movie we went to get transmission fluid for my car, then we went home. My head was throbbing, and I felt absolutely disgusting. BJ took good care of me. He returned the favor. Fortunately I didn't have what he had, but I felt nasty. I still do...

We watched the re-make of "Yours, Mine, and Ours" (I love the original) and I just kept hoping to feel better. I ended up staying over night. I left and drove home this morning, and I am so glad to not be in a car. I thought about turning around and going back, but no one was home and that would probably be an unwelcome dilemma.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna go stick my head in the freezer for awhile. I think it's a hormone thing because of...medication cycles. I don't know. Ergh. I'm tired of feeling so gross. So sick all the time. Turns me into an evil troll, who says leave me alone and take care of me at the same time. Grouchy happy crabby joyous sour weird. That's me.

Bye