This one is gonna be quick. Why? Because I say so. Today...Kelly woke me up early to go to Perkin's. Nice, sweet of her. Good mood on pay day! Yay for me! Then, she brought me to school for an early morning rehearsal! Jamison came with, and we explored. It was fun. Yay, good times. I even went in the cat walk...shhh, don't tell. Then I had rehearsal. Woo-hoo. Actually, it wasn't bad. They did well...reasonably so anyway. After that, Kelly and Jamie came back, picked me up, and we went to the movies. We saw "Phone Booth". It was good. Short, but good. How long can a movie be when the only scene is a guy in a phone booth? Seriously...

Anyway! After that, I went home. I did some chores, fell asleep, got a phone call from Lurae, realized I wasn't DONE with my chores, made plans, finished chores...turned on TV waiting for Lurae to arrive.

So! "America's Most Talented Kid" was on, and there was this 4 year old little boy, playing "Fur Elise" BY MEMORY, the WHOLE thing, really really well on the piano! I was blown away. Then there was thie 12 year old girl who sang "Blue" and she was better than me...so I turned it off.

Then Lurae came. We went to Har Mar. Went to some shops, saw some puppies...drove to Wisconsin...stalked by some psycho who kept flashing his brights behind us in blizzard like conditions! AHHHH!!!

Then, we went back to her house. And that's where I am. Over and out, peace yo.

Today was interesting. Last night I couldn't fall asleep until around 2am. When next I opened my eyes, I thought my clock must have stopped and started up again just a little while ago, because it said 1:08, and my room was extremely bright. It was then I realized that my body had finally surrendered. It had slept. It had slept a lot! That's when I figured out that I must be really really sick. *laughs*

After I got up, I cleaned out Harvey's cage, straightened up my room, and was met by my mother, who had sympathetically allowed me to sleep in, knowing I hadn't slept for days. She figured I needed it, and was actually concerned that I appeared to be genuinely ill. (For those of you who don't know, since....forever...no matter how late I fall asleep, I never sleep any later than 9. 10 at the very latest.) I could have sworn my clock was broken!

Anyway, I was harassed about calling random places for jobs...alas, no one is hiring STILL. No one realistic for me, anyway. Then my mom had to go run errands. She left me with a list of "simple" chores, just like always. Would you like to see my list for today? I think it's funny *laughs* I of course completed each job as assigned.

1. Make mom's bed

2. Clean the kitchen. (large family, many dishes. Not easy)

3. Clean livingroom (my brother is a tornado)

4. Clean entryway

5. Vacuum upstairs hallway.

6. Clean bathroom

7. Do laundry continuous throughout the day, bring each load up and sort it on mom's bed.

8. Clean out side of hutch in kitchen

9. Scrub all toilets

10. Clean out and refill fish tank

Not as bad as it could have been, I spose. But definately the worst. Sunnie's chores? Put away laundry on mom's bed, and vacuum the living room and entry way. Jamison's chores? I kid you not....take out the garbage. I definately got the short end of the stick...what does that mean anyway? I don't know...

Well, that was basically all my day consisted of. Tomorrow, I get to get up early to go direct rehearsal when there's no school. Yay! Actually, it does seem kinda fun like. My mom and I just got done watching "The Last of the Mohicans" which is a very good movie, if it's not followed by a lecture about what a constant failure I am. Good glory!

Well, that's all for now. Enough complaining already! Write to ya later. Peace. Time to go watch a movie from my childhood..."Shipwrecked!" I used to watch it everyday...drove my sisters crazy! VICTORY! Hehehe. Over and out.

Today. That word says a lot, and yet not so much at the same time. Profound, no? This isn't easy today, because I really don't feel like writing. But alas, I promised myself I would not fall behind.

The job search goes on, and each day I feel more and more ill. I don't understand my own body. It's mean to me. It makes it so I can't eat, but when I do...I pay. Oh, yes. I pay. Explain this to me. I'm never hungry. I eat, because I've been lectured a billion times that I could die if I don't, or permanently screw myself over. Everytime I eat, I get sick. Run to the bathroom kind of sick. Not, yuck...I feel weird. It's...I'm about to throw up, I need to run kind of feeling. So whatever I eat doesn't stay with me for long. And yet when I eat a pea, I gain ten pounds! How unfair is that?!? I walk hours a day, to and from everywhere. Why do I still look like this? It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Good glory...

Now, what could be wrong with me? Oh....Corrie. I know what it is. You're pregnant. HA! Yah, too bad I'm a virgin. Next option please! No other opinions? Yeah, I'm drawing a blank too. I'll move on then.

Last night, I didn't sleep at all. I'm a violent sleeper...allow me to explain. When I can't sleep, I have this strange tendency to throw myself around on the bed...as if that's going to help the situation. In one of my...flights...I crashed my head against my metal headboard. It was not good...at around 4:30 am, I went downstairs to get a drink of water. Along with some more pain medication. Someone was in the basement, watching an action movie. I listened with my trained movie identifying ears, and immediately came up with the answer. "Chain Reaction" starring Keanu Reeves and Rachel Weiss. Yes, I am THAT good. I walked downstairs, and there was my sister Kelly. She works nights, so she had slept all of yesterday. She was supposed to be awake.

We chatted a bit, and then we watched the last episode of "Punk'd" which if you haven't seen it, you're missing out. After that, we watched "Ghost"....just because. Kelly fell asleep, I stayed awake...ill ill ill.

When the movie ended, I went back up to my room. I layed on my bed in agony...(feel bad for me yet?) and watched annoying infomercials. Before I knew it, it was noon. I got up, did some laundry, took a shower, shaved, cleaned out Harvey's cage...boring boring boring. My mom left, and then it was time for me to walk to theater. I totally overestimated how warm it was. It wasn't.

Theater was less than perfect. Less by a long shot... I am SO not respected! Some people are really willing to listen to me. But some of the others...I want to slaughter them. They think I have no seniority whatsoever. I've been on stage since I was THREE!! Goodness gracious. I know what I'm talking about.

Well, that's all that really happened today. I walked home afterward, and then....did nothing. Wrote some things, yeah...nothing. Well, I'm gonna go watch "That 70's Show" and see if I can fall asleep...e-rok out baby.

Well. Some of you know, some of you don't know, what happened at the senior party last year. To sum it up, I was...falling. And there was no one there to catch me. I did something stupid, that caused me to lose a lot of my friends. I didn't know what I was doing when I did it, and I hope I never feel that way again. After I had done what I did, I remember getting dropped off outside of my house. The door was locked, everyone was still asleep. I was walking to the back of the house, and I fell over. I fell hard. I remember my head was bleeding. I fell into the side garden, and I just cried. I cried for an hour at least. I was covered in mud, but I didn't care. Everything hurt. Especially my head. I was so mixed up...I don't want to go through all that again. They've been told what happened. They know. They don't forgive, but they know.

I was looking through my lyric notebook today, because I planned on giving it to Ben. I came across something I had entitled "random thoughts". It was dated about one week prior to the senior party. Now...if any of you guys that that event concerned are reading this...maybe this will give you some insight as to where I was emotionally. I can't take it back, I can't make it different. I just wish you could understand...

"Losing something constant that you thought you could depend on. Your comfort, your home. Your reason. Losing reason is losing direction. Is losing your way. For me, it's losing me. Not knowing where to go, where to look, where to be. What to be. The guide, the light, now smothered in total darkness. Not seeing, not knowing what comes next. Thoughts abandoned, hopes forgotten. The one familiar thing scattered to the whims of the wind. No say in what is to happen next. No way of controlling the future. Was control ever possible? Control is not an option. With control goes happiness, goes possibility of dreams pursued. Should then my dreams be forgotten as well? Forgotten or postponed, what's the point in deciding the difference? There is no difference. Either way they are far away. Might as well be forgotten. I am not giving up, but I am not trying nearly as hard anymore. It just seems to be a waste of time. Sadness lurks, sadness possesses, sadness is. It is now my constant, yet no comfort does it bring. No comfort. No home. No place to go. No me. No you. No life. All is lost."

Well...all I can say is that I wasn't me then. And if they couldn't see that, then I guess they never knew me like I always hoped they did. Forgiveness is too often taken for granted. Not to be self righteous, but all of the things I have forgiven, all the things I've put up with...I guess I just assumed there were people out there who could do the same. My dad beat us. I forgave him. My mother makes fat jokes at my expense. I forgave her. Boys use me to get to Sunnie. I forgive them. I write a note on the wall, saying I didn't know me anymore, I played a part all through highschool, and tried to be someone I wasn't. I am hated.

I remember times when those people would come to me, and I would take their problems on, just like I always do. I am cursed with a good memory. I remember every detail. At my birthday party in 8th grade, I had a bunch of girls over for a sleepover. We planned on going to see Titanic the next day. That night, at the party, Jessie Coffey started talking about the car accident that Ashley had been in. She didn't realize Ashley had been in the car. Ashley started to cry. I remember instantly wanting to absord all of her pain, make it go away. I sat down next to her on the floor, and I put my arms around her. She ended up almost in my lap, and I just let her cry. I told her I would always be there for her no matter what. I still mean it.

Emily would come to me from time to time...mainly because of the Ashley/Katrina ordeals. I was the friend when anyone needed it. I still am.

When my mom got really sick, I felt so alone. I didn't think I could live another day. I thought it was the end of me. I was running an entire household by myself, tutoring my brother, in a play full time, taking advanced classes. It was time for me to die, as far as I was concerned. I was more than ready to give up, because no one seemed to take notice that I was falling apart. That's when Ashley gave me the letter. She handed it to be in choir one day. I still have it, in my keepsake box. In the letter, she returned the sentiment, saying she would always be there for me, no matter what. Well, when I fell hard, I guess I broke that vow she gave me. I don't know what to do sometimes, or what to think.

Regardless of what happened or will happen, I loved her, love her. She and I had been friends for 9 years. NINE YEARS! That's a long time. And everyone else involved in "IT"...you knew me, you said. I wish you did now. I miss you...

Right now? Yeah, I have friends. Good friends. Sure, with most of them my only correspondance is over the internet. I wouldn't trade it in though. I treasure the good conversations we've had. And some friends are still right here. Nikki? Lurae? Yeah, not getting rid of them in the near future. I love you girls! And Christy...well, she's so amazing. She feels kinda bad right now, because she thinks she's turning into the girl she always despised in highschool. The girl in love! The girl who talks about her boyfriend 24/7. The girl who invites him everywhere she's invited. Well, she HAS become that person. But you know what? I say, who cares? So she's happy! She deserves it! AHH! Leave her alone, peoples. She and I were always told that when we had a boyfriend, we'd understand. I'm still waiting for it, but she's there. And I'm happy for her. Why can't everyone else be happy for her too? She's in love, it's cute, it's charming, and it's perfect. Leave it be. She's been such an amazing friend to all of her friends, she deserves it more than most. One day, senior year, I was very upset, telling her about how this certain boy was being really not nice to me...she was very upset, and became protective of me. The next day, when she got to choir, she presented me with a BEAUTIFUL bouquet of flowers, stating *in the middle of practice, very loudly so EVERYONE could hear* "These are for you, because you had a bad day yesterday." Then she shot that boy the dirtiest look...I was never more proud to have her as a friend. She takes care of her friends, and she deserves to be taken care of now. I love you Christy, keep on smiling!

Well, I must be off now. Sunnie would like to go online, and I'm...sick! I feel ill. I had to leave rehearsal early today because of it. So, I must be off now! E-rok out, baby. (Which, by the way. I used to be obsessed with Brian Littrell of the BSB. His nickname was B-rok. My name spelled backwards is Eirroc, or with my new cool spelling, E-rok. Make sense now? Awesome! Use it, share it, it'll be cool.) Later!

I woke up with a weird feeling today. Everday since the "big" conversation with Tim, I've been waiting for the fall. The inevitable fall...and it hasn't come yet. I keep bracing myself, thinking...here it comes. The part when I get really depressed and the world goes dark. It's not happening! Now, that could mean a variety of things. I really liked him...right? Maybe I didn't. I care about him a lot. A whole lot. But I think...actually...here's what I KNOW.

I cared about him very very much. Still do. Maybe, my caring for him in a friend way, got in the way of the real things. By that I mean that I don't think I liked him as much as I thought I did. I wanted him to know more than anything that he was loved, regardless of what type of love it was. By loving him, I think my brain got confused...and started generating these feelings that I didn't really have. I honestly think that's what it was. Because right now? Tim and I are good pals, just like always. I genuinely enjoy being friends with him. We say stupid things, and we get along, we do have a lot in common...which is why we're FRIENDS. I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't feel as if anything is missing, like I want more. Because I don't. I can't explain why I thought I did. I was just so set on the idea of helping his pain go away, that I would do anything to make that happen. Why? Because he was where I had been before, and that is the worst place you can imagine. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone my friend. I wanted to rescue him. While attempting that feat, I put myself somewhere I didn't belong. It's so strange...

Looking back of course, I think "I don't make any sense, and neither does what happened." Emotions are tricky, and they can easily betray you. My eagerness to love and be loved is getting me into too much trouble, that's for sure. But either way, as of right now...I'm perfectly okay. And that feels really good. I was so scared of the bad times, and they're not coming so all is well! I don't know what happened to make everything seem so light... normally someone telling you they're scared of your problems and you're not physically attractive would not exactly put you in a good mood. With me, however, that's exactly where I am.

Everything is going pretty well right now. Theater doesn't bug me, my parents make me laugh with their silly accusations. Each time I get grounded, I roll my eyes and laugh about it, because it is just THAT ridiculous. There's nothing that gets me down really, except...well. Except for what's gotten me down my entire life. But I have the power to change it...*laughs*

Well, I'm off to theater rehearsal now! Our set is pretty amazing! All you people out there, come see the play! It's HILARIOUS! When I remember the actual dates, I will most certainly record them here. Later tators. I am off like a dirty shirt, yo!

Today....let's see. I got all ready for theater rehearsal...and then I looked at the schedule. NO rehearsal. How un-fun! My mom left for the dentist/shopping, scuse me..."returning"...and left me with a list of chores. WAY un-fun! She told me to make a double batch of Toll House cookies. So, I got everything out. There was no baking soda or vanilla. So then I put everything back. My mom had really been looking forward to a dessert. So! I decided to make a cake.

I found a yellow cake mix. The next course of action would be to locate some frosting. I looked up in my dad's secret junk food cupboard, that's not so secret. Sure enough, hud fudge flavored frosting. I reached for it, and an open package of cookies fell out onto my head, and then all over the floor. Less than entertaining! Cookie crumbs in my hair...ew...I salvaged what I could, and crammed them back into the cupboard. So! I continued with my cake making endeavor.

Lurae called me when there was about 20 minutes left on the clock for my cake. She invited me to go with her to "Get Down" youth group at First Lutheran. I was so excited! So she came over to *hang* awhile, and then we would be off. We browsed through my yearbooks, her pointing out her various "guys". About half an hour after she got there, she says "Wow, I can smell the cake. It smells good!" I shrieked, and flew down the stairs into the kitchen. Not to worry! It was OKAY! A little...too golden, but it was okay!

So anyway, Lurae and I joked around and did silly things, until it was time to go. We went to church, and it was great! A bit awkward, because I didn't know ANYONE. It was creepy. But, there were some people I knew. Ben was there, and he is just...such an awesome musician. Tres cool, yo. Well! I'm going to go watch The Cutting Edge now, because I have absolutely nothing better to do! If you're bored, save me from my boredom and write me an e-mail or somethin. Love ya! Peace.

Nothing happened today! And I say that with total sincerity. I didn't leave the house at all...until around 6pm, to accompany my sister Kelly on a Target run. Before that...I really...I did nothing. Oh! Yes I did. I took random electronic devices apart, and repaired things my genius mechanic/ Vietnam electrician bomb/enemy code de-coding father couldn't! Ha! So there! I'm soooooo good! Okay, so I can understand VCRs and video cameras a bit better...after all of the music videos and movie parodies I've directed/filmed. I am so good! *laughs*

Yeah! So then I went to Target with Kelly. She got the Chicago movie soundtrack...finally...and I was very jealous, because they have a special edition out now that comes with a bonus DVD. I am currently trying to con her out of it. Like she'll watch it more than once! Only obsessed movie freaks like me would do that! Besides, I am very good at getting things from her...it takes me awhile sometimes, but I just won the DVD of "Life as a House" with an offer she couldn't refuse. That took me about a year. But I KNEW I would get it, so I never got my own copy. It was MY movie from the start, and she knew it. It had MY Hayden Christensen in it. Why is he mine, you ask? I was his first fan! WAY before Star Wars. Oh, yeah. I liked him back when you searched for him on Google, and there was nothing. NOTHING! He was on my favorite TV show. Higher Ground. Ever heard of it? Yeah, didn't think so. I win, give up.

So she got that soundtrack, I got an Aragorn bookmark. Yay me! I also got "The Cutting Edge" DVD. Good times. Then I came home and watched "American Dreams". I love that show! I curse myself for the episodes I've missed! *whines* If any of you out there watch it...I need someone to talk about it with! I really really do! Okay, I'm just going to ask a general question...if you watch it, let me know what you think! If you were Meg...who would you choose? Jimmy or Luke? Seriously! I need to discuss this! *laughs* E-mail me or something! Or IM me! (DistantStares for those of you who don't know) Well, anyway...

After the show, I got grounded, that was fun. I forget why....hmmm....then my dad got really really mad about the missing toilet handle. Not too great. And then I talked to people online! Ooh, I think Sunnie is home. Time to go harass people! YES! Just ...kidding! Later!