| You Are Midnight |
 You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits. Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle. Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it. You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends. |
Saturday, July 01, 2006
I had coughing attacks all night last night. I wonder if anyone heard me. probably not. I woke up this morning, and every possible sadness was hanging over my head. It seeped into my bones, my muscles...I couldn't move. I lay there for hours. Bj called back and forth in between things he had to do. I read some things, I cleaned up my room. I didn't leave my bedroom until 12:30. I got yelled at for that.
I've felt like this before. Every time I have, I've ruined somebody's day. Last time it happened, my mom told me nobody wants to be around you when you're like this. So, I thought I would avoid it altogether. I just didn't come out of my room.
I'm just so sad. So many things seem so hopeless. I'm so scared of ruining what I don't even have! I don't want to say goodbye ever again to anyone. I've recently found so many people that I haven't talked to in a long time. I thought that would make it better. I thought I would be better. I'm still alone.
I stayed in my room so I would be liked for the rest of the day. My chest hurt from all the heaving. The air is thick and humid, and it seeps in and chokes me over and over again. I wish they understood how that felt. I'm not making it up.
I flipped my calendars over today. They had been in Alabama with me too. On the calendar this month are things that brought me to tears. Places I was supposed to be, things I was supposed to go to. I'm not a part of those memories to be made anymore. I'm here. On the calendar is written "1 yr first kiss" on July 11th. 2 days later is BJ's birthday. He'll be 23. July 22nd is BJ's grandparents 50th anniversary party. They had me mark it on my calendar months in advance, so I would be sure to go.
Today is Kelly's move in day. I walked downstairs once or twice. She was piling all of her belongings in the entry way. She's very excited. A couple of weeks ago, I was with Jessie Coffey. She was telling me about her new furniture she was getting. I asked her if Kelly could have the old stuff. She was going to give it to someone else, but I convinced her Kelly needed it more. I got my big sister some furniture.
The only thing Kelly asked me to do today was call Jessie. Jessie has an annoying ability to make me talk, and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to pour out what was on my heart. I just wanted to be quiet. There's nothing wrong with that. I asked Kelly to call her herself, like she had said she would yesterday, and the day before. It wasn't my responsibility. True, my motivation for saying that was selfish. I didn't want to be probed. I just wanted silence. Plus, I didn't know when, how, or where, so i didn't know what information Kelly expected me to gain on her behalf by me making the phone call.
She god mad, complained to dad, they both were mad. Everyone was complaining about me. No one asked me to help, but they were furious that I wasn't helping. I just wanted to stay out of the way. I didn't want to make the day miserable, like mom says I do all the time. Do I really make everyone so unhappy?
I'm so unhappy. I'm compeltely miserable. God is saying wait to everything I ask him. God's timing, God's timing. I just have to wait for God's timing. No one seems to understand that I'm actually going through something right now... and I'm not out to ruin anybody's day, rather I'm just trying to get through it myself.
Kelly complained to mom and dad yet again about Alabama. She did everything for me, paid for everything, supported me to no end. YOU'RE WONDERFUL KELLY! YOU'RE PERFECT KELLY! YOU ARE THE BEST DARN SISTER IN THE WORLD! Are you happy now? Were you in the same apartment I was? The food you bought? You ate most of it. The gas you paid for? You were in the car for almost 100% of it. No, I didn't have any money, but financially is not the only way to support someone. I talked you through all of your hysterics, I supported your decisions with Benlee. I defended you to no end, I confronted Benlee about things while you stood off to the side. I went through Charlie Kendall for you. I did everything I could to make it better, I just didn't have the $$$ to flash in front of your face and prove that I was worth the air I breathed. SOOOOO sorry!
I am trying to make it up to her. I just wanted to hide from life today, I wasn't refusing to help anyone. No one asked me to! Dad called me down and said he just couldn't understand how selfish I was. Kelly had done absolutely everything for me in Alabama. He said I had no sense of honor. I owe her to no end, and yet I "refused" to help her. I got her the furniture, I didn't know how or when she wanted to pick it up, and I told her that...but she wouldn't respond. That's worth telling me I have no sense of honor? I am doing what I can. Buying you a Superman cup isn't paying your car payment, but it's what I can do. A millionaire can buy a house for the homeless...but if a homeless person gives a millionaire his only coat, which is the bigger gift? You had money, I didn't. YOu had over $1,000 and I had pennies. I did what I could. I gave you shifts. Money I desperately need to start paying people like YOU back... but I am TRYING to make it up to you.
You're never going to let the money thing go. I could pay you back every penny and you'd still hold it over me, about how much you've done for me, and how great you are. We all know, Kelly. You're just a broken record. Leave me alone. I can only give you what I have, and I don't have as much as you do. Quick...tell me again before I forget it. You're spectacular.
I just want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to keep getting my face shoved in the mud. YOu can keep telling everyone how much I let you down. Keep telling our PARENTS how much I owe you. Earn their favor over me, I don't care. To me it sounds like lies. They weren't in Alabama, I was. Everytime you paid for something, I said "YOu know I would do this if I could. I really appreciate this." and you would say "Don't worry, Corrie. I can cover it." Well...I guess I SHOULD have been worrying, huh? Who knew you would throw it back in my face again, and again, and again? I didn't have a choice. I had to beg everyone for everything. You think I liked that? I hate it when I owe people things for this exact reason. It makes you feel superior. Enjoy your pedestal, I'm fine here on the ground. SOOOO beneath you.
Please...just leave me alone. Everyone who thinks they've got something on me. Something I said, soemething I did, something you remember and I don't...I'm already broken. I just want to be happy...please please please. I just want to be with BJ. I just want to enjoy being in love, instead of being so miserable. All of this hostility flying around just makes me miss him more, and more... and it's literally killing me. I'm sick all the time. Sick with no doctors, so please...please? I just want to make it. Instead of pushing me down, can you just let me walk a few steps?
Thank you.
I've felt like this before. Every time I have, I've ruined somebody's day. Last time it happened, my mom told me nobody wants to be around you when you're like this. So, I thought I would avoid it altogether. I just didn't come out of my room.
I'm just so sad. So many things seem so hopeless. I'm so scared of ruining what I don't even have! I don't want to say goodbye ever again to anyone. I've recently found so many people that I haven't talked to in a long time. I thought that would make it better. I thought I would be better. I'm still alone.
I stayed in my room so I would be liked for the rest of the day. My chest hurt from all the heaving. The air is thick and humid, and it seeps in and chokes me over and over again. I wish they understood how that felt. I'm not making it up.
I flipped my calendars over today. They had been in Alabama with me too. On the calendar this month are things that brought me to tears. Places I was supposed to be, things I was supposed to go to. I'm not a part of those memories to be made anymore. I'm here. On the calendar is written "1 yr first kiss" on July 11th. 2 days later is BJ's birthday. He'll be 23. July 22nd is BJ's grandparents 50th anniversary party. They had me mark it on my calendar months in advance, so I would be sure to go.
Today is Kelly's move in day. I walked downstairs once or twice. She was piling all of her belongings in the entry way. She's very excited. A couple of weeks ago, I was with Jessie Coffey. She was telling me about her new furniture she was getting. I asked her if Kelly could have the old stuff. She was going to give it to someone else, but I convinced her Kelly needed it more. I got my big sister some furniture.
The only thing Kelly asked me to do today was call Jessie. Jessie has an annoying ability to make me talk, and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to pour out what was on my heart. I just wanted to be quiet. There's nothing wrong with that. I asked Kelly to call her herself, like she had said she would yesterday, and the day before. It wasn't my responsibility. True, my motivation for saying that was selfish. I didn't want to be probed. I just wanted silence. Plus, I didn't know when, how, or where, so i didn't know what information Kelly expected me to gain on her behalf by me making the phone call.
She god mad, complained to dad, they both were mad. Everyone was complaining about me. No one asked me to help, but they were furious that I wasn't helping. I just wanted to stay out of the way. I didn't want to make the day miserable, like mom says I do all the time. Do I really make everyone so unhappy?
I'm so unhappy. I'm compeltely miserable. God is saying wait to everything I ask him. God's timing, God's timing. I just have to wait for God's timing. No one seems to understand that I'm actually going through something right now... and I'm not out to ruin anybody's day, rather I'm just trying to get through it myself.
Kelly complained to mom and dad yet again about Alabama. She did everything for me, paid for everything, supported me to no end. YOU'RE WONDERFUL KELLY! YOU'RE PERFECT KELLY! YOU ARE THE BEST DARN SISTER IN THE WORLD! Are you happy now? Were you in the same apartment I was? The food you bought? You ate most of it. The gas you paid for? You were in the car for almost 100% of it. No, I didn't have any money, but financially is not the only way to support someone. I talked you through all of your hysterics, I supported your decisions with Benlee. I defended you to no end, I confronted Benlee about things while you stood off to the side. I went through Charlie Kendall for you. I did everything I could to make it better, I just didn't have the $$$ to flash in front of your face and prove that I was worth the air I breathed. SOOOOO sorry!
I am trying to make it up to her. I just wanted to hide from life today, I wasn't refusing to help anyone. No one asked me to! Dad called me down and said he just couldn't understand how selfish I was. Kelly had done absolutely everything for me in Alabama. He said I had no sense of honor. I owe her to no end, and yet I "refused" to help her. I got her the furniture, I didn't know how or when she wanted to pick it up, and I told her that...but she wouldn't respond. That's worth telling me I have no sense of honor? I am doing what I can. Buying you a Superman cup isn't paying your car payment, but it's what I can do. A millionaire can buy a house for the homeless...but if a homeless person gives a millionaire his only coat, which is the bigger gift? You had money, I didn't. YOu had over $1,000 and I had pennies. I did what I could. I gave you shifts. Money I desperately need to start paying people like YOU back... but I am TRYING to make it up to you.
You're never going to let the money thing go. I could pay you back every penny and you'd still hold it over me, about how much you've done for me, and how great you are. We all know, Kelly. You're just a broken record. Leave me alone. I can only give you what I have, and I don't have as much as you do. Quick...tell me again before I forget it. You're spectacular.
I just want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to keep getting my face shoved in the mud. YOu can keep telling everyone how much I let you down. Keep telling our PARENTS how much I owe you. Earn their favor over me, I don't care. To me it sounds like lies. They weren't in Alabama, I was. Everytime you paid for something, I said "YOu know I would do this if I could. I really appreciate this." and you would say "Don't worry, Corrie. I can cover it." Well...I guess I SHOULD have been worrying, huh? Who knew you would throw it back in my face again, and again, and again? I didn't have a choice. I had to beg everyone for everything. You think I liked that? I hate it when I owe people things for this exact reason. It makes you feel superior. Enjoy your pedestal, I'm fine here on the ground. SOOOO beneath you.
Please...just leave me alone. Everyone who thinks they've got something on me. Something I said, soemething I did, something you remember and I don't...I'm already broken. I just want to be happy...please please please. I just want to be with BJ. I just want to enjoy being in love, instead of being so miserable. All of this hostility flying around just makes me miss him more, and more... and it's literally killing me. I'm sick all the time. Sick with no doctors, so please...please? I just want to make it. Instead of pushing me down, can you just let me walk a few steps?
Thank you.
So... life, huh? Nothing to do but to live it. Life is what you make it? Crap. I haven't done such a good job then. Can I have a do-over? Nah... a lot of the stuff in my life is spectacular. I wouldn't give a lot of it up for the world. I would change it though. Alter it... make the impossible possible.
ANYWAY! Caribou is the same as it's always been. There's a possibility that I might leave it though. It's likely that I will get the job at Lakeshore Players. Aside from that, there's a possibilty of going back to Dunn Bros again. But a different one! A brand new one... it's beautiful. And Amber is there! WEE!!!!!!!!!!! So... more money, more hours. Sounds like a good thing. We'll see what happens with that. I'm not sure if it's a sure thing. We'll see.
I originally felt like writing a lot in here... now I just feel... blah. I saw Superman Returns. It was good. I guess that's all for now. I miss people.
ANYWAY! Caribou is the same as it's always been. There's a possibility that I might leave it though. It's likely that I will get the job at Lakeshore Players. Aside from that, there's a possibilty of going back to Dunn Bros again. But a different one! A brand new one... it's beautiful. And Amber is there! WEE!!!!!!!!!!! So... more money, more hours. Sounds like a good thing. We'll see what happens with that. I'm not sure if it's a sure thing. We'll see.
I originally felt like writing a lot in here... now I just feel... blah. I saw Superman Returns. It was good. I guess that's all for now. I miss people.
Monday, June 26, 2006
I was gonna go ahead. I was going to make it. What am I doing now? Hiding. From what? Everything. The water is too cold, I'll stay on the shore, thank you. I try to swim and someone always screams SHARK! Why do I always believe them? Older and wiser, that's why. Why would they lie to me? Because they do. LIARS!!
"People make you promises they'll never keep. Soon you'll know why people say talk is cheap."
I wish I were a tug boat. I'm the big giant ship stuck on a sand bar. I wish I were a tug boat.
It's so easy to leave me behind. Why do I make it so easy? Go ahead. There are more important things to do. Why are you reading this? It's nonsense. Just the ramblings of invisibility. There's nothing to see here. Not unless you're me.
I could have. I should have. I would have, but I didn't. I don't know why, but I didn't. How did I get back to here? Back to then. Beginning/End.
BLAH BLAH BLAH. Take the sting away, time for today...a day, one way or another. I love you, BJ. Everyday.
Experiences fly around, and I can't seem to catch them. I get the used ones thrown in my face like dirty Kleenex. "You can have it now, I'm done with it. It's mangled and run down, but it will do. It's only you." Well, sure. Why invite me when it's new? It'll do, it's not for you. It's me. See?
Have fun without me. I'll be here waiting. Waiting to snatch a piece of your happy tranquility for myself. I'll bottle it and keep it under my pillow. Make a wish, make it billow.
I sent smoke signals today. I had no idea what to say. I stirred a pot of ashes. Shortly after that, it crashes. What? My eyelashes.
"Let me sleep, for when I sleep I dream that you are here, you're mine...and all my fears are left behind."
Yes, please. Pleas! I plea for thee! For me! For WE! Help...I can't see.
I can't predict the future. Hold still...this might hurt a little. You'll feel a pinch, don't move an inch. There, done. Now wasn't that fun?
Oh, yeah. A ton.
Please don't forget me. You're in my every thought. All of you. You make a knot. I can't forget, I won't. I don't. I need you all. I'm tall. I need support, or I'll fall.
"People make you promises they'll never keep. Soon you'll know why people say talk is cheap."
I wish I were a tug boat. I'm the big giant ship stuck on a sand bar. I wish I were a tug boat.
It's so easy to leave me behind. Why do I make it so easy? Go ahead. There are more important things to do. Why are you reading this? It's nonsense. Just the ramblings of invisibility. There's nothing to see here. Not unless you're me.
I could have. I should have. I would have, but I didn't. I don't know why, but I didn't. How did I get back to here? Back to then. Beginning/End.
BLAH BLAH BLAH. Take the sting away, time for today...a day, one way or another. I love you, BJ. Everyday.
Experiences fly around, and I can't seem to catch them. I get the used ones thrown in my face like dirty Kleenex. "You can have it now, I'm done with it. It's mangled and run down, but it will do. It's only you." Well, sure. Why invite me when it's new? It'll do, it's not for you. It's me. See?
Have fun without me. I'll be here waiting. Waiting to snatch a piece of your happy tranquility for myself. I'll bottle it and keep it under my pillow. Make a wish, make it billow.
I sent smoke signals today. I had no idea what to say. I stirred a pot of ashes. Shortly after that, it crashes. What? My eyelashes.
"Let me sleep, for when I sleep I dream that you are here, you're mine...and all my fears are left behind."
Yes, please. Pleas! I plea for thee! For me! For WE! Help...I can't see.
I can't predict the future. Hold still...this might hurt a little. You'll feel a pinch, don't move an inch. There, done. Now wasn't that fun?
Oh, yeah. A ton.
Please don't forget me. You're in my every thought. All of you. You make a knot. I can't forget, I won't. I don't. I need you all. I'm tall. I need support, or I'll fall.
What RENT song are you?
You're "What You Own." You often think your life isn't worth living, but occasionally, you remember what you really are put on this earth for... to live
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So, I had a good weekend. Almost. It was much needed. I've been having a sort of tough time with life...dealing with it and what not. Missing BJ, depression, illness, the no money thing can get ya down... I just got real tired of my life.
I asked BJ Friday night, how can we change this? What if I can't make it? What if I can't keep doing this? How would we be able to change the situation. He said just to trust in the Lord, and he'll help us find a way. I know he's right, but at the same time... it wasn't what I wanted to hear.
The next morning brought on a lot of dread. I hadn't slept most of the night, every possible bad thought was endlessly invading my mind. I had somehow signed away my life for awhile, working from 7am to 11:30pm at the Bou'. Don't know how THAT happened, but it did. I wasn't thinking clearly, I dunno.
Everything had been mounting for awhile, so Saturday morning I had to sit myself down, and take some deep breaths, so I wouldn't just altogether explode. I set myself up for failure. I have Satan a way in. I said "I'll be able to make it if I'm not on front register." So I get there, and see that I'm on DT orders, which is FINE. But then Caity rushes back to change it, so she can have her sister where she wants to be instead. VERY wrong, but that's where I was stuck. I said "Caity, please don't do that. I have a sixteen and a half hour shift today!" She shrugged and brushed it off. That's when it all snowballed.
I couldn't function. I found myself walking intho the back room repeatedly, trying to stop the panic attack that had been trying to get out for weeks. I started hitting myself in the head, trying to knock out the screams. It wasn't working. I ended up sitting down and talking to Lauren for awhile, before calling BJ, trying to find that much needed comfort. Sometimes it all just gets to be too much. Why am I back here? Why isn't BJ with me? Why am I not with him? And then you think about all the medical issues that I can't afford, the fact that I've been working there for over a month without any paycheck... figured it would happen, right? I have a car payment due, I have meds to buy, I'm sick, I'm miserable, I'm lonely... I don't see anybody, and I can't figure out if that's the way I want it or not.
I'm turning into a total recluse. Sometimes I like it. I turn on a movie and pretend. I don't feel as alone then. The truth is, I think even if I was surrounded by people, I would still be lonely. I would be lonely for BJ. He's stronger than me, of course. But he's also the man. I'm the sappy woman.
After my panic attack subsided, I continued to work my never ending shift. The customers were steady right up until close, and I was nearly dead by the end. I was never happier to go home.
Saturday morning, I woke up way to early considering the events of the previous day. Up at 8, I ate some breakfast and decided to indulge in a bit of my childhood. I watched "The Little Mermaid" from start to finish, remembering how my kindergarten mind had interpreted the dialogue I didn't understand back then. That was fun.
Later that afternoon, my dad made good on a promise to take me camping. My, Dad, Mom, and Jamie all headed out to Jay Cooke state park, and found the most BEAUTIFUL camp site. Aside from setting up the tent in the backyard with friends, I hadn't been camping in years.
We set up camp and then went on a hike around the park. We lost Dad somewhere along the line. After the hike, we went and bought some food to cook on my dad's camp stove. It was so much fun. We had hot dogs and baked beans. True camp food.
Jamie and I shared one tent, my parents took the other. Jamie got a gushing bloody nose right when we got settled, so that wasn't pretty. He got blood EVERYWHERE in the tent.
The next morning we made bacon, eggs and toast. Yum! I caught up on my devotions while Jamie and Dad played guitar. After that, we packed up and headed out. We stopped at another state park on the way home, and went on a little mini hike along Kettle River.
NOw we're back, and I work tomorrow. I was supposed to work tonight, but I had someone cover for me.
I guess that's all for now, until something spectacular happens to me! Or...something...