Doubt.
It's filling me to the very top and spilling over. I thought my identity was secure. The messages were strong. I was exactly where I needed to be.
Seeing yourself from someone else's eyes is a strange experience. In some cases humbling, in others... disappointing, upsetting, etc. It feels like there are so many different versions of me out there, and I don't know which perception is accurate. You'd think I'd be the one to clear up any misconceptions about who I am, but... no. Not at all.
God told me very specifically what He wanted. I've no doubt there at all. If there is more than one person involved in any scenario, it gets tricky. It's like playing a game of telephone sometimes. God tells you to tell someone, and the message gets warped, and God is all like "Fine. I guess I have to tell them myself." and so He does. Message received! Woohoo! Except...
"I heard what God was saying and all, and I'm sure he was totally right, because He's like...well, He's God and everything. But I'm just gonna chill and wait it out for awhile just in case He changes His mind. That's cool, right?"
NO. No, that is not cool.
I can understand one perception of me a little better these days. When something horrible happens to you, I want to be the person you turn to for comfort. I am not Jesus or anything near. I'm merely a human. A human that has been put into your life for a reason. I'm afraid that my need for human love, compassion and companionship is viewed as a weakness. All you need is Jesus. How can I be upset by that? I picture a future in which I undoubtedly get upset by something trivial that takes place within my day to day, and I would like to turn to you for a hug and a laugh inducing comment or two that will transform my mood. Would you turn me away, instructing me to only go to God? I know we are to go to Him with ALL of our problems, and I do... but I don't think he meant it exclusively. Otherwise, having made more than one human seems a little redundant. He populated a planet with us only to make sure we had absolutely no need of one another? I highly doubt it.
I get worried sometimes that I'm completely inadequate. There have been people like this since the world began. I'm afraid of adversity and I'm afraid of meeting impossible seeming challenges head on. There are several things on the horizon that are slowly transforming me into a quaking mess of fear. How do I approach these situations? Are they mistakes? Should I be avoiding them at all costs? The majority of my questions are met with a resounding "NO", and I'm reminded of Jonah. God has places for me to go and things for me to do, and while there are already people on the other side of these journeys ready and willing to take me down, there is something far less pleasant in store for me should I disobey His instructions. Who knows what land dwelling creature will swallow me whole if I stay cowered in my little shell.
It's so much safer here...
I will never have the perfect words to say, and sometimes I feel like that will always keep me beneath you. Will I always feel like I am several steps behind? Will I always feel like I am trailing behind you in your shadow? Is this the life He wants for me? Can someone as loved as you understand my fears? Are these things that I should ever even vocalize? I helped you once, and my heart soared. I'm sure it happened more than once, but only once recently that I recall. My mind was blessed with an abundance of words from above, and I felt necessary. Not vital by any means, but I felt like I was actually contributing to something.
This blog has turned into lengthy letters to so many different people. I hope I remember what I was talking about ten years from now.
It's time to relent, repent, and go. No more excuses. All will be revealed in a matter of weeks. I can follow everything I'm being told, but if the other people involved are stalling, there's only so much I can do. I pray God takes notice of my noble effort, and should His plan not go as planned, He will graciously release my heart and set before me a new path.
In His precious name I pray,
Amen.
Friday, February 08, 2013
Thursday, February 07, 2013
Sometimes I'm okay. Then I think. My mind gets so full of things I should say and would say and want to say but won't say, that soon enough my stomach is hurting and my eyes get blurry and I want to hide in a cave permanently.
The life I used to have doesn't seem as far away as it really is. When I was a kid... everything seemed so GOOD. Life was so GOOD. Mom was normal, loving and supportive. We did family devotionals every night. Aunts, Uncles, cousins... I had it all. It feels like a dagger when people make assumptions and comments insinuating that I don't understand "family time". I may not have a family now, but I used to. Believe you me, if anything... I understand it MORE than you do, because I lost it.
If I had my way, I would move to South Carolina and live permanently with my Aunt and Uncle. When I think of family, they are who I think of. They are the people I crave when I think back to those days. My parents of course, too... but even though moving to SC is far fetched, being my parents on a regular basis is an actual impossibility.
Do you have any idea how much I want what you have? Does that make its way into your brain? I guess I'm of the mindset... and always have been... that if I have something someone else doesn't, and they need it... I share it or give it away. I have been like that ever since I was a little kid. I gave stuff away constantly. I got in trouble a lot with that. My friends never left my house empty handed. Now, if I had an amazing family and wonderful holiday gatherings, and knew someone I loved was all alone... well, we all know what I would do. What I HAVE done. No one ever minded when I extended invitations. I know I'm not normal, though. That's totally okay with me. It's the abnormal people who make a difference.
It also probably comes from being a constant caregiver. When you're in that role, you are much more in tune to the people around you and what they need... both spoken and unspoken. You stop paying attention to yourself. It's unfair to assume that other people have that ability, because in all reality, they've never been in that situation.
I genuinely have a great deal of difficulty in taking care of myself, speaking for myself, and expressing myself. I'd much rather take care of someone else than look in a mirror. This is the downside to being the dependable caregiver. I will take care of you and tend to your every need until the day I die. Me? I'll die before I'll admit to needing you. Whoops.
"You know when you take the high road so often, that you don't even ****ing realize there's a lower road?" - April Monigold. She said that just now. It was a little bit perfect.
I will hold you and talk you through it. I will check on you and make sure I do whatever it takes to make you feel better and get back to where you need to be. When I break? What can you do? It's so far beyond your understanding. You nod, and you acknowledge the pain... but that's as far as it goes. There's no way you can change it or make it better. Well... there are ways. But they are not things you will do. This is something I have to accept. I am so important... but we have to face reality. The truth is that I'm not important enough for any of it to change. There are the normal people... and there is me. I choose to be me, and you choose normal. Try as I might, I can't begrudge you that. I would too if I were you. Normal is controlled, safe, easy. I'm none of those. This is why my mountain stretches higher than most. At the top is something we can't even begin to imagine... because mine is a much longer, far too treacherous journey. It's going to be so amazing. Those ten years I lost climbing through vines and quick sand and dodging predators on the way up the mountain are going to seem like nothing when I get to the top. The harder the climb, the greater the reward. I don't know if you'll be there with me... because I won't be with you at the top of yours.
I have always handled everything on my own, and therefore... I'm the strongest person you know. They all tell me that. "If I had been through what you've been through... I would be crushed. I wouldn't even be able to function. You're so strong." So go ahead... I can handle it. I always have. Why would you think any different? I've never not gone it alone, so it will be fine.
Let's be honest, Corrie. You were never alone. I'm insulting Him, and I don't mean to. I'm stronger every day because He is with me. He doesn't want me to suffer, and He's trying to show me how to let go and end the pain, but it's a long process. The path gets awfully narrow sometimes, and it feels like I'm walking it alone, but He's just ahead of me, clearing the bigger obstacles that would most likely kill me.
You say you didn't let me let you go, because you thought it was coming from an unhealthy place, and I was going to need you. I remember every word of that conversation, and there was nothing about me ever spoken. "I don't want you to let me go. I love you. I need you. I know you will always be there for me. (This will never be wrong) I know we will be old ladies talking about the good old days in our rocking chairs one day." You kept me for you, and to hear you say otherwise was incredibly insulting... I wanted you to want me, why take it back? Truth is... if you did it because I needed you... that's ultra confusing. Because we weren't close for years after that. I was on my own. If you stuck around for me, you didn't really stick around. Don't take back the truth. I remember it too well to be satisfied with your new version. I don't mind that you wanted to keep me for your own well being. I'm well aware that I'm fantastic, and I can make you laugh, and I can say all the right words that you need to hear. I am in your life for a reason, and to say I make it better will not cause the world to end. It's not a two way road, but to suggest it was going the other way all those years... nope. That's all I have to say about that.
I love/hate my memory. It's all in there. It can't be re-written. A lot of people try to, but please. It's not worth the argument. Kelly's even worse than me. "No, it wasn't a green sweater, it was teal. And it was 8:23, not 8:30." Whatever, Kelly. Shut up. *grins*
So I hadn't planned on writing down some of the thoughts that plagued me afterward, but alas... out is better than in. Things are changing drastically every day, and if I don't find an outlet... something horrible could happen.
BAHABABBABAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!
Yep.
The life I used to have doesn't seem as far away as it really is. When I was a kid... everything seemed so GOOD. Life was so GOOD. Mom was normal, loving and supportive. We did family devotionals every night. Aunts, Uncles, cousins... I had it all. It feels like a dagger when people make assumptions and comments insinuating that I don't understand "family time". I may not have a family now, but I used to. Believe you me, if anything... I understand it MORE than you do, because I lost it.
If I had my way, I would move to South Carolina and live permanently with my Aunt and Uncle. When I think of family, they are who I think of. They are the people I crave when I think back to those days. My parents of course, too... but even though moving to SC is far fetched, being my parents on a regular basis is an actual impossibility.
Do you have any idea how much I want what you have? Does that make its way into your brain? I guess I'm of the mindset... and always have been... that if I have something someone else doesn't, and they need it... I share it or give it away. I have been like that ever since I was a little kid. I gave stuff away constantly. I got in trouble a lot with that. My friends never left my house empty handed. Now, if I had an amazing family and wonderful holiday gatherings, and knew someone I loved was all alone... well, we all know what I would do. What I HAVE done. No one ever minded when I extended invitations. I know I'm not normal, though. That's totally okay with me. It's the abnormal people who make a difference.
It also probably comes from being a constant caregiver. When you're in that role, you are much more in tune to the people around you and what they need... both spoken and unspoken. You stop paying attention to yourself. It's unfair to assume that other people have that ability, because in all reality, they've never been in that situation.
I genuinely have a great deal of difficulty in taking care of myself, speaking for myself, and expressing myself. I'd much rather take care of someone else than look in a mirror. This is the downside to being the dependable caregiver. I will take care of you and tend to your every need until the day I die. Me? I'll die before I'll admit to needing you. Whoops.
"You know when you take the high road so often, that you don't even ****ing realize there's a lower road?" - April Monigold. She said that just now. It was a little bit perfect.
I will hold you and talk you through it. I will check on you and make sure I do whatever it takes to make you feel better and get back to where you need to be. When I break? What can you do? It's so far beyond your understanding. You nod, and you acknowledge the pain... but that's as far as it goes. There's no way you can change it or make it better. Well... there are ways. But they are not things you will do. This is something I have to accept. I am so important... but we have to face reality. The truth is that I'm not important enough for any of it to change. There are the normal people... and there is me. I choose to be me, and you choose normal. Try as I might, I can't begrudge you that. I would too if I were you. Normal is controlled, safe, easy. I'm none of those. This is why my mountain stretches higher than most. At the top is something we can't even begin to imagine... because mine is a much longer, far too treacherous journey. It's going to be so amazing. Those ten years I lost climbing through vines and quick sand and dodging predators on the way up the mountain are going to seem like nothing when I get to the top. The harder the climb, the greater the reward. I don't know if you'll be there with me... because I won't be with you at the top of yours.
I have always handled everything on my own, and therefore... I'm the strongest person you know. They all tell me that. "If I had been through what you've been through... I would be crushed. I wouldn't even be able to function. You're so strong." So go ahead... I can handle it. I always have. Why would you think any different? I've never not gone it alone, so it will be fine.
Let's be honest, Corrie. You were never alone. I'm insulting Him, and I don't mean to. I'm stronger every day because He is with me. He doesn't want me to suffer, and He's trying to show me how to let go and end the pain, but it's a long process. The path gets awfully narrow sometimes, and it feels like I'm walking it alone, but He's just ahead of me, clearing the bigger obstacles that would most likely kill me.
You say you didn't let me let you go, because you thought it was coming from an unhealthy place, and I was going to need you. I remember every word of that conversation, and there was nothing about me ever spoken. "I don't want you to let me go. I love you. I need you. I know you will always be there for me. (This will never be wrong) I know we will be old ladies talking about the good old days in our rocking chairs one day." You kept me for you, and to hear you say otherwise was incredibly insulting... I wanted you to want me, why take it back? Truth is... if you did it because I needed you... that's ultra confusing. Because we weren't close for years after that. I was on my own. If you stuck around for me, you didn't really stick around. Don't take back the truth. I remember it too well to be satisfied with your new version. I don't mind that you wanted to keep me for your own well being. I'm well aware that I'm fantastic, and I can make you laugh, and I can say all the right words that you need to hear. I am in your life for a reason, and to say I make it better will not cause the world to end. It's not a two way road, but to suggest it was going the other way all those years... nope. That's all I have to say about that.
I love/hate my memory. It's all in there. It can't be re-written. A lot of people try to, but please. It's not worth the argument. Kelly's even worse than me. "No, it wasn't a green sweater, it was teal. And it was 8:23, not 8:30." Whatever, Kelly. Shut up. *grins*
So I hadn't planned on writing down some of the thoughts that plagued me afterward, but alas... out is better than in. Things are changing drastically every day, and if I don't find an outlet... something horrible could happen.
BAHABABBABAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!
Yep.
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
Sometimes it's better if you DON'T know the reason behind things. That's certainly how I feel. Conversations were had, explanations made, certain things clarified. The problem is, the majority of the conversation was happening within my own head. It's too hard for me to get words out of my head without writing them down sometimes.
I thought about ranting and raving and writing it all here... but I think I've reached a point where I can't find the point anymore. I feel like different versions of history are making appearances. Improvements of truth are finding their way into my consciousness, and I don't think I'm interested in entertaining them. I was there. I remember. I always remember.
So what's the point? There really isn't one. You can talk and explain and cry and wish and push and try your hardest... square peg round hole. You can't force it. You can't make it happen.
As much as it FEELS like the end of the world... it isn't. I'm not unloved... I'm just not reciprocated in the way that I should be. It makes sense to me, and that's all that matters. I don't want to talk about anything anymore, but I also don't want to fake it. I don't want to smile and nod and listen to all of it while I'm screaming internally. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't think any of you want me to be that person either.
It's a terrible feeling to feel like you're completely on your own... but the truth of the matter is, when it comes to friendships... I am. Only because there is NO possible way to understand. They haven't been there. Most of them never will be. They can't understand.
I cracked a little bit and showed a bit too much, so I might as well write it down. When you spend ten years of your life locked in a cage taking care of someone else... people forget about you. They forget about the girl in the cage. She can't come out and play, and we don't have the key...*shrug* oh well. Then she gets out. She's released, and yes there's a lot of damage, but she's out.
How long until people remember me? How long until I stop being punished for doing what had to be done? How long until they see me? How long until I'm blessed? Grandma always told me there are crowns and blessings galore waiting for me. She couldn't believe the things I did every day. I don't believe the things I did every day. It still just feels like a nightmare. A very very long nightmare.
Either there's no light at the end of the tunnel, or this tunnel is a whole lot longer than I expected it to be.
THIS IS NOT FAIR. IT'S NOT FAIR!
Right. What else is new?
I thought about ranting and raving and writing it all here... but I think I've reached a point where I can't find the point anymore. I feel like different versions of history are making appearances. Improvements of truth are finding their way into my consciousness, and I don't think I'm interested in entertaining them. I was there. I remember. I always remember.
So what's the point? There really isn't one. You can talk and explain and cry and wish and push and try your hardest... square peg round hole. You can't force it. You can't make it happen.
As much as it FEELS like the end of the world... it isn't. I'm not unloved... I'm just not reciprocated in the way that I should be. It makes sense to me, and that's all that matters. I don't want to talk about anything anymore, but I also don't want to fake it. I don't want to smile and nod and listen to all of it while I'm screaming internally. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't think any of you want me to be that person either.
It's a terrible feeling to feel like you're completely on your own... but the truth of the matter is, when it comes to friendships... I am. Only because there is NO possible way to understand. They haven't been there. Most of them never will be. They can't understand.
I cracked a little bit and showed a bit too much, so I might as well write it down. When you spend ten years of your life locked in a cage taking care of someone else... people forget about you. They forget about the girl in the cage. She can't come out and play, and we don't have the key...*shrug* oh well. Then she gets out. She's released, and yes there's a lot of damage, but she's out.
How long until people remember me? How long until I stop being punished for doing what had to be done? How long until they see me? How long until I'm blessed? Grandma always told me there are crowns and blessings galore waiting for me. She couldn't believe the things I did every day. I don't believe the things I did every day. It still just feels like a nightmare. A very very long nightmare.
Either there's no light at the end of the tunnel, or this tunnel is a whole lot longer than I expected it to be.
THIS IS NOT FAIR. IT'S NOT FAIR!
Right. What else is new?