I'm so weird. I don't understand me. I'm not unhappy, I'm just not happy. That makes no sense, right? It's strange things I notice about myself. The biggest thing? I don't make any sense.

I went to work today at 5am as usual. It was storming outside. Adam was telling everyone his plan to propose to his girlfriend in a couple of months. All the girls were like "aww...that's so cute..." and I was just...annoyed. I mean, it WAS cute.

A few times a year, Adam and his family go to his uncle's ranch, go horseback riding, and do a scavenger hunt. They hide stuff for each other all over the ranch, and they have to find them all. Well, one of the things on his girlfriend's list to find will be a certain bucket or whatever, and in that bucket or whatever, will be the ring box. Awww...so sweet. I just wanted him to shut up.

Jon was talking about all the surprises he had lined up for his wife's birthday. Be quiet be quiet be quiet! I don't want to hear it! Or do I? I don't know. I'm just all around crabby. I try to make myself believe it's just because of sugar week, but I don't know.

I'm not suicidal, I have no interest in hurting myself...but sometimes I wonder if I'm "all there". I don't know... just things I notice myself doing sometimes. I never wear a seatbelt. I don't consciously refuse, but I know I remember to, and ignore it. Stupid little things like that.

The thing that struck me the most, was when we were on the cruise ship. It was so beautiful. I couldn't describe the feelings that went through me when I would walk along the boat deck. It was something I had dreamed about doing so many times, and I would be thrilled to do it again and again. However...I would stand there by myself, staring down at the water. We were cutting through it and it was falling away like broken glass, and the sound of the water against the side of the ship was so smooth and calming...I wanted to jump in. It was the strongest, strangest urge to just...fall off. It wasn't a "I want to end it all and jump" kind of feeling...it was almost normal. It was so strong, it was alarming. It doesn't make any sense.

The whole time I was on that ship I was wishing I was someone else. Anyone else. The sunsets above the water were the most romantic things I had ever seen. Kelly wanted to sleep, so I had no choice but to dwell on how lonely I felt. I did feel lonely. I had wanted someone there with me...but not just anybody.

Anyway... life is getting into that routine again. That boring...blahness. It's not unpleasant, and the days are not without their own spectacular moments... but it isn't right. There are definitely things missing. I'm pretty sure I know what they are. I just don't know if I'm brave enough to go after them. I much prefer the idea of them coming after me, but I know life doesn't work that way.

I feel so uncomfortable with myself sometimes. I stare in the mirror and wonder why what I see is so different everyday. Somedays I honestly think "Huh...not too shabby." Other times, it's like "Gross! Nasty! Ugh! I can't even look at you." And then there are the pictures. Every single picture of myself I see, I despise. I guess that's normal. But seriously! I can't stand a one of em! Every picture...it's honestly like "I look like that? Really? I didn't think I looked like that when I saw myself in the mirror that day. Wow...that's unfortunate. We must have those 'lying' mirrors all over the house."

I'm not vanity obsessed, and I'm not constantly primping or anything of the sort, but I'm a girl nonetheless, and constantly afraid that I won't be able to meet people's expectations.

Lately, people have been telling me how "beautiful" I am, and how "cute" I am, and I think they're all on drugs. I don't know how to believe them! It's just ridiculous! Coming from mom it's like...liquid lies. So syrupy and sweet that it makes me gag. Yeah right I'm your "beautiful girl". And my dad? SHEESH! He's...odd. He tells me I look sexy. Not from your FATHER! Geez...

Kelly told me she thinks I'm 'way prettier' than her. HAH! Bet she doesn't think that now...but before she did. She told me that in Florida. She told me one of the reasons she didn't really want me to meet Kris (at the time) was that she was afraid he would like me better than her. That's funny...

I guess I'm too hard on myself...I'm too critical. That's what I'm told. I guess I'm just scared of being...unacceptable. For what? Life. Oh, well. I can fix it. I think...

Anyway...there are a lot of things I want right now. Things that seem so attainable and so impossible at the same time. How can it look so close and be so far away? At least I have a positive...something. There's one thing I know I want for sure. Really really bad. I'm hoping God wants me to have it. I ask him everyday. "Please God. Please let this be right." I really hope and pray it is.

Well, I'm at the library, spending some much needed time by myself outside of work and home...which is more work. Sunnie is doing well, Paul is waiting on her hand and foot. Lucky gal. I want to be taken care of...anyway.

So that's that. Enough rambling. I obviously needed to say something though...clear my head. Not that that's possible, but it's an idea. A subconcious 'i babbled for a long time, so I must have made something better' kind of thing.

So! That's that. The end. For now.

Me

Hum-de-hum-de-hum... yeah I have no idea either. So! What have I been up to? Easter happened. It was it's usual stress filled event. Fun stuff. Dad only swore twice. (Mom dropped the turkey on the table because he wasn't fast enough, and a bottle of ginger ale exploded all over the living room)I got to talk to BJ so much over the weekend, I was so unbelievably spoiled. It was so much fun! He was on the phone with me forever on Saturday. I got a call to pick Jamie up, so BJ came with...hehe. Then we went to Caribou, then to Festival, and then to Target, and then back home... and we were STILL talking as I started preparing the homemade stuffing for the Easter Turkey. It was so much fun. On Easter he talked to Sunnie. He's making the rounds, introducing himself to the family. Dad's next!

So Easter was all well and good, the usual. I had to work the next morning at 5am, so I went to bed early. I worked with Kate, who wasn't AS crabby, and didn't seem to hate me anymore. It was a long day. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Guess what started yesterday? SUGAR WEEK! I hate my life.

After work yesterday...(it was a double) was Getdown. I slept for a couple hours in between, but it wasn't enough. I was dead on my feet. Caribou is killing me! I was a total zombie.

I was sitting out by the sign-in table during worship like usual, and I ended up talking to Brant. He and I have never had a conversation that lasted more than two minutes, but he's been in my dramas many times. I basically knew him as the guy that Sunnie and every other girl at First Lutheran had a gigantic crush on. He does sort of look like he stepped off of an Abercrombie ad... anyway! I chatted with him for awhile about his upcoming missions trip to Haiti. He leaves this coming Monday. Then he and I ended up discussing how disgusting cute romantic gushy couples are. (I was complaining about how perfect Sunnie and Paul are.) Fun conversation.

So, I made it through Getdown, and then I went home and fell asleep, and woke up when BJ called. Always a welcome sound.

Today I opened again, and worked drive-thru again. I worked with Kelley, and I was in the strangest mood! She was just laughing at everything I said. She'd hand me a mocha, and I would be like (in a deep manly voice) "Thank you, for all your cooperation!" And she'd just lose it. I was such a weirdo. At sunrise, I started singing "Sunrise, Sunset" from Fiddler On The Roof, and then she was talking about nature around 9am, and I was like "Boy ain't nature fascinating, when you's gotta walk!" which brings me to my current mood...

I have re-fallen in love with my Newsies soundtrack, and I just can't stop listening to it! I'm listening to it right NOW! I love it so much. I wish I could dance like they do, because I would do it all the time! I have no coordination though...I'd end up looking like a clown on speed, which isn't too hard for me to imagine...anyway!

"When you've got a hundred voices singing, who can hear a lousy whistle blow!" It's just so fantastic! Anyway...I've been singing it at work, and Adam and Jon join in whenever possible. It's so much fun. But I was soooooo out of it! I was walking into everything. And Jon mopped by the drive-thru, and I KNEW he did, and normally I take all necessary precautions...but today I felt like falling down. Yes, yes I did. I tripped over the stress mats SOOO many times...I was just laughing so hard at myself.

Someone left a necklace in the tip jar today...a gold chain with a glorified flip-flop sandal charm on it. Elke came up behind me and put it around my neck...yah... "So they gave their word, but it ain't worth beans! Now they're gonna see what 'stop the presses' really means!" Ah...I love Newsies.

So, yeah. I think I was supposed to have a meeting today, but it never happened. Oh, well. I feel so un-good. Curses to sugar week. You're ruining my life! Hahaha. I'm such a freak. Well, that basically brings me up to now. EXCEPT! I had a fun conversation with Aunt Jackie Easter night...hmmm

Basically the topic of me moving down there came up once again. She told me to start saving so I can get a car when I get there, and she'll help me have a job lined up, I'd be a built in Melody babysitter, I'd get Missy's room, and I'd run a new drama program, and be on the worship team. WHOA! That happened fast! Can't say I'd refuse! Every reason I've found NOT to consider that option has been squashed. Seriously... everything I want seems to be down in the southern direction. Hmmm...I wonder if it's what GOD wants for me? I hope so...

So, that's that! I'm gonna go lie down and moan in misery and cover my head with a pillow. After I take some more medication. Oh yeah...I choose numbness please!

OH MY GOSH! DUH!!! Sunnie's in the hospital right now. I'm such a spacey moron! She is getting her gall bladder out! Oh, what a horrible sister I am. It's a huge deal, and I've been making it a huge deal, and then I forget to mention it. I couldn't go because i THOUGHT I had a meeting, but...I didn't? Argh. But Paul came to be with her, and dad took the day off. So she's got mommy and daddy and Paulie boy...I wish I could be there too. I love my little sister. She's a pearl...really. It's taken a lot of hard work for her to become the person she is now. She's always been beautiful, but now she's polished.

So, anyway...now I'm done. I swear. I'm done. I swear. Bye.

Me