It's amazing how much things hurt when you try to tell yourself they don't. Guess what that makes me? A liar. There are so many questions, confusion, and memories. I hate not understanding things. I try to figure it out, but it's a waste of time. I'll never have the answers.

How can you go about life continuing things that you never thought you'd have to do alone? Projects and dreams that had always been dreampt of with someone standing next to you when it all came together.

There are moments when I walk into a room and can't even breathe, the urge to fall apart is so strong. The sob is always waiting in my throat, waiting for a weak moment to escape. I can't explain these feelings. Everyone is telling me I'm better off, and I know they're right. But I want to know why I don't have what I always thought I would, and no one can give me that answer. Why was my friendship so brutally and cruelly rejected? Why am I seemingly so undeserving of the answers I need? Why am I treated like I'm hated? What did I do that was so wrong? These questions, among many others can drive someone crazy. I can't let that happen.

One of my biggest dreams is coming true, but it wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be here. Why did this all crumble? Why did he change? Why can't I let it all go? Because there are years invested in this. Years invested in him. I just get so angry when that starts to seem like one big giant waste of time, energy, and heart. "I had so much to give, but you didn't have to take it all. This pain I'm left with, I'm wondering are you happy now?" - Amy Studt

It's a waste of time trying to understand people. It's a waste of time loving people who don't know how to love. It's a waste of EVERYTHING to care about ANYTHING. So how do you know which are the monumental mistakes before you make them? You don't. You make them, and you screw up, and you cry your little heart out and go back to square one. Some mistakes just last a lot longer than others.

I'm angry and bitter now, and I hate being that way. Most days I can leave it behind, wait until the wee hours of the morning to let the acid seep out through the cracks in my sunny disposition... he's so cold and uncaring. So distant and foreign. He's riding a crazy roller coaster, changing personalities and ambitions at every turn, climbing up and falling down faster than I can even comprihend.

What's the point in rehashing this again and again? He doesn't care about you, Corrie! He's not going to miraculously decide to be a human, be the friend you need! He dropped you! He's gone! He made a bunch of lousy empty promises just like every other friend you've ever had. Why are you surprised? Why did you believe him? Why did you let him in in the first place? Stupid idiot, keep your walls! Keep your masks! He'll preach to you to be you, but what does he care? Doesn't he see he's the reason?? He's what builds walls and paints masks? Every word he lies adds a new color of deception to your face. Make it pretty, make it colorful! Keep distracting people from the layers of FALSE adorning your ridiculous lie of a face. Alter their perception, he's given you all the tools you need! He claims to want to do the opposite, he always has. He was a test, and you failed! You are a failure and a liar just like him!

Oh, stop pitying yourself. Woe is me, I'm Corrie and everyone is mean to me. So? who cares! People suck and so do you. Who needs them? Who needs you? No one, so get over it! Life is temporary. People die. You're dying too. Do something that matters. You say you are, huh? Well, prove it. Boo-hoo he's not here to "See Me Through", oh well. Did you really think he'd FOLLOW THROUGH??? YOu can't trust anyone, not even yourself. You betray you more than anything. You're a fool and I barely even tolerate you, let alone like you. How's that for a mask?? You make me sick.

You hate yourself almost as much as you secretly hate everyone else. Whoops! Secrets out! Deal with it. YOu can't blame him for EVERYTHING, just most things. Why? Because you relied on him to NOT be a liar. For that, the blame is only yours. Why did you put so much on one person? It was inevitable that he would run away. They always do. Why? Because you wanted to believe the stories he told, about how "If I had been there when she first got sick, you wouldn't have been alone. I never would have left. I never will, either. We will be a part of each other's lives forever..." blah blah BLAH! WOW! You are so ridiculously stupid. It makes me laugh! Hear me out there? I'm the maniac in your head pointing at you and laughing insanely. You're hilariously pathetic! You fall for EVERYTHING. You claim to have all these trust issues, and that you never believe people. Too bad you believe absolutely everything they say, and fall for it hook line and sinker.

End this now. Go away. Nobody cares. Boo-hoo, go wallow in that for awhile and leave me alone.