I have lost my ability to yodel. (That was just for you, Kelly) I don’t feel like going in as to why, but trust me…I used to yodel. And I was good…

Last night was interesting. The parents were screaming at each other. After we had consumed our cold Taco Bell dinner, mom came home from shopping. The moment she walked through the door, she started yelling at everyone. No matter how hard I try to not let her comments bother me…they still hurt, and you can just feel something inside you plummet to the ground. You’re weighted down, and you feel like you’re as worthless as she says you are. No matter how untrue it all is.

She was picking fights with Jamie over everything that’s happened within the last ten years. He was freaking out. Then, dad made the horrible mistake of coming upstairs from the basement. Bad, bad idea. Mom started screaming at him about why he hadn’t stained the cabinet Jamison made, or why he hadn’t finished the ceiling in the basement, and how he never finishes what he starts. She justified this anger by telling dad she had had a bad day. Well, so had he. Not to mention he had to come rescue his daughter at Taco Bell… (hehehe)

So, I most of it was the same old same old. It started about dad not getting things done, and then mom actually YELLING AT HIM for working too many hours. “If you came home at a decent hour, these things would be done and I wouldn’t have to keep telling you to do them!” WHAT THE FIDGET?!? So, he comes back with “If you would stop spending the money, I wouldn’t have to keep making it!” And so she does this huge dramatic sigh, and says “Whatever you say, Bruce. You go on this vacation by yourself.”

Honestly? I little glimmer of hope shot through me, saying ‘Can we really do that?!? AWESOME!’ But, yeah right. Not gonna happen. So she sits down, puts her head in her hands, and says “Everyone is always attacking me.” And dad, infuriated by her dramatic ploy yet again, turns around and all out screams: “Right! Because everyone in the world is an asshole but you!” Jamie and I took one look at each other, and quickly made our escape. Up the stairs we went, ne’er to return. That’s when the mutual screaming began. I tried not to get upset when my mother stated over and over again how she has no help around the house, and she does everything herself. “I do everything here! You all just walk around and reap the benefits of my work! I don’t get a paycheck! I just give and I give and I give! Just because you have a professional job, I’m supposed to feel sorry for you that you work long hours? My hours never stop!” = That made me laugh. My gosh! What is wrong with her??

So, Jamie and I hid in my room, in the dark. Why does the dark help? Maybe she won’t find us. There have been times when dad runs out, and she goes looking for us because she’s not done screaming. I went online to update Kelly on the latest family drama. Mom just makes me feel bad even when I know I have no reason to feel bad.

Anyway… BJ called shortly after, then he had to go. Then I went through those movie posters. Got some pretty good ones! So I had to call Kelly to tell her. Then BJ called again. We chatted for a bit, and he made me laugh. Good timing for a laugh, I must say. Then I fell asleep.

Today is Sunnie’s birthday. I woke up this morning at 8:30, and walked into her room. I sat on her bed, and started tapping my finger on her temple. She groaned and looked at me with one eye, and I said “Happy birthday.” Nice and quiet. She mumbled a quick “Thank you” before rolling over. I asked her if she wanted anything special for breakfast, and she said ‘pancakes’, but instructed me to wait until she woke up. So, I woke Jamie up, and he and I watched “The Forgotten.” I had low expectations because Kelly didn’t really like it, but I actually really did. It was a good movie.

After the movie I cleaned the house, and the monster awoke (mom). I busied myself making Sunnie some chocolate chip pancakes. After that, I went upstairs and went back to bed. I feel really REALLY not good today. I could say I don’t know why, but I know… It’s my sugar week. (be confused, it’s allowed)

Paul arrived soon after, so Sunnie disappeared. I drove Jamison to work, and then went to Target to buy a present for Sunnie on his behalf. Poor me, since my car wants to blow itself up, I had to drive my mom’s with the CD player in it. WOO! I blasted the Phantom soundtrack for all the world to hear…or just me (really really loud).

Got home, went to lay back down again. Ew, I felt unwell. I dozed off, and my mom was screaming at me “You got a package from Kelly!” WOOOOOO!!! I raced down those stairs, grabbed the box, tore it open, and there. Alas… my Phantom Of The Opera official companion book. She had had to order it for me, due to the fact that I don’t have a credit card. I paid her for it, but she had to order it. And it took it a long long time to get here….argh. No Popsicle for me.

So! I got yelled at for opening the box in my mother’s presence, and I got yelled at for tearing the plastic off and setting in on the table. I’m a failure. What do failures do? They go back to bed.

I took another mini-nap and then called Kelly. We talked for too long about dumb stuff, and then I got yelled at again. I went down to the basement , where I was being summoned, and looked on in horror as I realized my mother had completely destroyed…everything! My peter pan display was all but displayed. It had been disassembled, and all the books were scattered across the floor. WHAT THE HECK! I said “Why would you do that?” And what did she say??? “You said yourself you were tired of it, and were going to take it down. Besides. This is MY house. If I want to change something, it‘s up to me. You just have to live with that.” WHAT THE HECK! I decorated that entire room! She said it was MY theater! And the display? Like I would ever say that! If she KNEW what I went through for that thing. Good grief. I started to feel the bile rise. I was completely nauseated. I turned to go back upstairs, and she said “Where do you think you’re going? I told you I needed your help.” and I said…and shouldn’t have said “I can’t be around you right now.” and went back upstairs. I sat at my desk chair staring at the wall, terrified that I had just caused the next world war. That’s when I got called again.

I walked downstairs, feeling ill for multiple reasons, and mom and Paul were in the kitchen, eating chili cheese dip. Mom turns to me and says “I’m sorry, sweetie. I didn’t realize that Peter Pan thing meant so much to you. You can go put it back up. I didn’t throw any of it away.”

Man…sometimes I just…It’s over my head. So, I put it back up. That pretty much brings us up to now. I still feel unwell, but it’s Sunnie’s birthday. I’m writing this in a word document, so I can just copy and paste later. We’re eating tacos and angel food cake. If anything exciting happens between now and when I paste this…I can add it on! Until then..

Check ya later!

C’est moi

Yo. Have I got anything interesting to report today? Probably not. Let's see...

Last night, I chatted with a few peeps. I ALMOST got myself in really big trouble, but I didn't. Almost, but it slid past unnoticed. Thank the Lord. Enough said. I fell asleep ultra early. 8:30! What is THAT? Good, that's what it is. I had to wake up at 4. I got real sleep! Fantabulous. So! Woke up at 4, worked at 5. Guess what I did? I worked drive-thru. For nine hours... good heavens. LONG day. Nothing spectacular happened at work today. A few crabby customers...they brought me down a bit. But I'll get over it. The coffee business is brutal...

So, after work I came home and attempted to nap. yeah right. Mom's at war with T-mobile concerning the phone she ordered for me for Christmas that they sent, but we never recieved. Both sides thinks the other is lying, but trust me...I still have my crappy Nokia with mismatched face plates... I do however, have an emotional attachment to all the ring tones I've downloaded. Oh, well. I'll get over it.

So, listened to mom scream at people til' about 2 something. Then I went online to check movie times, chatted with kelly and Kris a bit...then I went to go see "In Good Company". As I was walking out the door, BJ called. He and I caught up as I drove to the theater (in my Crapsica with NO heat...) Then my car started smoking really bad...oh well. I was already there. Watched and enjoyed the movie...

Came home, and went to Wal-Mart with Jamie to get Sunnie a present for her birthday (tomorrow). Then we went to Taco Bell...and my car almost blew up. The heat gage went WAM! All the way up, and the car started to smoke A LOT. So, nope...not going anywhere. Called dad, and he came to rescue us. He couldn't give me a proper diagnosis on the spot, so he drove behind me the whole way home.

I must share, the Taco Bell sauce packets crack me up! They all say something funny on them. My favorite one? "When I grow up I want to be a waterbed". I laughed SOOOO hard! Oh my gosh...

So, I came home and took a shower...and now here I am. I have to go help my mom unload Target bags. She brought home a gigantic tube of movie posters I have to go through from Movie Gallery for the theater in the basement. Woo! Awesomeness! There's even one of TROY!

So... I promise not to dig any more holes I can't get out of...and... no more opening my mouth. Ever. Yeah right...

Later tater!

Me

I'm online illegally again, why? Because I wanted to write a bit before the OC...after which I plan on falling asleep. I'm so tired...*yawn* But let's recap the day, shall we?

I got a half hour break, working at 6am today instead of 5:30. I was little scared, because Elke decided today was the day I would be on bar! Okay, I can handle that I thought... me and Sam did bar. I pulled shots and she filled and topped off. Coolio! I didn't die, and Sam herself said she underestimated me. Ah-ha!

So, it was long day. And it was COLD! At 10:00 I took over on drive-thru, which I really enjoy now. I'm good at it! I'm getting pretty good at everything. Elke wants me to be a supervisor already. WOW! We'll see what we see.

One week from tomorrow til I leave for Florida. Longest road trip EVER...it's gonna be unfun. Random thoughts...

I'm really not used to attention. Apparently I'm getting it! This one guy told me I have a beautiful smile. This other guy (who was british) asked me to run away with him. Today when Sunnie and I went to get our pics taken for the church directory, Brant was there, and was telling me how pretty I was. He "couldn't get over it"...geez! Did I suddenly just STOP getting ugly or something? Whatever...didn't know I was so bad before. Hahaha

I came home after work, then went to pick up my meds, then took a shower, then went to meet with Perry and Ken, then came home, then got pics taken w/Sunnie, then went to Wendy's for the dollar menu. (Ha! Take THAT Kelly! BAM!) Now I'm home, writing a bunch of nonsense waiting for my show to start. There were important things I wanted to write about, but I have no idea what they are now. Oh, well. Some other time I guess.

I really don't feel very well. I feel like I'm going to bring my baked potato back from the dead...ugh...bye then

Word

Guess what? Not to take away from the entry I already wrote tonight...but I just figured out something after playing with my settings. Blogs let you post comments now! All you gotta do is click on the time stamp after the entry you wanna comment on, and then you can click on post a comment. IF you want to do that, anyway. I didn't know I could make that happen. But I can! And I did. So...there.

"There's no windows in this place, for me to show my weary face. Rage I hold within my soul, at times I cannot control. What's the point of me being here, when being here is what I fear? Everyday it's all the same, trapped again in my own pain. I cry myself to sleep, so many secrets I must keep. No one to reach to and nobody cares. Trapped in the middle of a distant stare. I've prayed that I was free of this grief that's filling me. Everywhere I turn, every bridge must burn. There's no windows in this place, for me to show my weary face."

Why did I type that all out? For a variety of reasons. Jamie was just playing that song on guitar and I wanted to test myself to see if I still knew all the lyrics. Also...it's kind of interesting to look back on it. For so long that song "Frustration" was my theme song 100%. It WAS me...I felt like I wrote it. Every single word made complete sense in my life. Life was hard.

I remember so vividly feeling exactly that way, and now all I can see is how far away I am from all that now. I used to let every little thing get me down, and now...it takes too much energy to be depressed. Energy I never have. I used to dwell on bad things, and now I don't even recognize them. Not as much, anyway.

Kelly and I were talking today, and we got on the subject of my little anti-breathing episode the other day, and I mentioned how BJ was kind of surprised as to why I didn't think it was worth mentioning to him. Before, I would have told the world...just so they would be aware I had reasoning to act the way I did. Now though...I didn't even recognize it as a problem. It's almost funny. Kelly and I shared a laugh over it, actually. She and I both have been seriously conditioned to the idea that any problem we might encounter in life is microscopic compared to anything our mother has experienced. It might not be true, but she's been telling us that for sooooo long now, I feel guilty for having any problems. Maybe that's why "Frustration" isn't my theme song anymore.

To most people, when you stop breathing and later cough up blood, that would be cause for alarm. But to me, that translates into "It's not cancer, so you have nothing to complain about." and two car accidents in a year with permanent back neck and shoulder damage is nothing, because "You didn't have a tumor on your spine, so be grateful." so in my mind, I'm in perfect condition. People being concerned about me is so over my head, I can't even comprihend such a notion.

So anyway... it's kind of under pathetic circumstances, but I don't have a chance to feel bad about my own problems...I just feel bad about having any at all!! Overall though, it makes life somewhat easier... less time to think about myself. Sometimes it's hilarious, though. At work I get one free shift drink a day. I never get one, unless mom calls me and asks me to bring her something home. I work there, and I've never tasted anything I've sold to the customers... we also get a free 1/2 pound of coffee a week, and I have to call to ask what kind of beans my mom wants. I don't even consider myself...but if I do... (like the one time I got a Hot Apple Blast instead of bringing my mom home a latte) I got a speech about how she's the last person I ever consider, and how selfish I am. So what did I do? I bought her a latte with my tip money. I didn't even think about it. It's just...a cycle.

I used to complain and cry about my mom a lot, and how she treats me...but I'm so unbelievably used to it by now. I'm also used to the idea that she would absolutely fall apart without me. That's probably why I'm still here. I hate realizing that...because if anything, she's supposed to be my reason to LEAVE. Not stay! What's wrong with me??? Plenty...

Here's something new: (not) I hate dreams. They bug the crap out of me! They bring up things you don't want to think about, and things you never even realized were an issue! But bam! You go to sleep, and they attack. They wait until your guard is down. You're unconscious! How low is that? Sneaky, sneaky. And then they get you. They jumble up your brain, force you into a skewed version of the truth, and by the time you wake up...you're just...screwed. It's sabotage. Each morning I've woken up recently, I've woken up confused. Your mind betrays you. It's like hearing a rumor about yourself! I wake up and I'm like "Say what? WHAT? Oh no you dih-int!" It's enraging! And then you're FORCED to think about the things you didn't even know were in your head in the first place. Ugh...I just...grr.

Anyway, so what did I do today? I worked from 5:30 -1:30, and then I went to my beloved library (Yes, BJ-- it's MINE!!) to return some DVDs. (While talking to Kelly on the phone) Then I came home, watched my tape of Gilmore Girls, and fell asleep for a couple hours. Then I woke up, went to Target, came home and took a shower, watched half my tape of One Tree Hill, then watched Smallville and Alias, and now here I am confusing myself with a somewhat cryptic journal entry. Ah, well.

Yesterday I went to a rehearsal for the one act I wrote called "Channel 13". Did I mention that already? I don't think so. Did I mention I have to miss the performance of it? Because I do. I'll be in Florida! Torture. Anyway, the cast is pretty great! It was really exciting to see my script acted out. I tried really really hard not to take over, but it was really difficult. I'm so used to being in charge! ESPECIALLY of things I've written.

So...do I have anything else to write about? No doubt. But...just like I wrote in the last journal entry, I just can't bring myself to write about them.

Later taters, I'm out!

Peace...please (I'm talking to you, oh self hating brain of mine!)

Me!

Dude, I'm annoyed.

So...last night I write this huge long (okay, so possibly pointless) journal entry...and it disappeared. My browser went wacky and took it away! I am less than happy...negative thrill going on here people. ANYWAY.

I haven't the will, nor the heart to re-write it, mostly because I don't remember most of what I said. SO! I'll write a short summary:

Yesterday I was crabby because I had to set up Valentine's Day crap @ work, and I hate Valentine's Day...This creepy woman told me "You have the most amazingly beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen"... Jamie and I are both going on the church mission trip to Mississippi in June. I'm a leader, so I go for free!

Those are basically the only important things I remember from that entry. And they're not that important. And I have nothing spectacular to write about in this one either....but we'll see what we see.

I've realized I'm having trouble keeping my promise to myself. When I started this journal...I planned on telling the whole truth about every aspect of my life. HOWEVER... I'm pretty sure I know exactly who reads this thing on a regular basis. There are more people than I thought...and for most of those people, there are things I don't want to tell them. So...I haven't been writing about these certain aspects of my life right now. I wish I could write down everything...but I honestly think that would create more problems than I care to deal with.

Anyway... I'm gonna go now, because I just got something better to do...

Love ya!

Corrie

Today was BORING. That's all I have to say. I woke up a little later than intended, got ready for church, went to church...did the church thing. Then we came home... I wrote the skit script Perry needs by tomorrow, and then tried to make another Getdown video. I give up. We're just gonna have to go without! Then what did I do? Attempted to vaccum...I say attempted, because it's a broken piece of crap. I mean...some parts of it are glued together, while others are fastened together by a bungee cord. Interesting...

Then I made a really gross smoothie and dumped it down the drain. THEN... I went upstairs and started to watch one of the movies I got at the library. Then I fell asleep. Then...I woke up, took a shower, and went to watch Extreme Makeover: Home edition.

Then mom came home, we unloaded groceries, and I tried on some bathing suits for the trip to Florida. (Yay! I got a really cute one!) And then we ate dinner... and now here I am. NOTHING special at all.

Last night, however... I spent the majority of the evening doing nothing too, but it was a nice kind of nothing. Jamie and Andrew kept to themselves, and everyone else was gone, so I could do whatever I felt like!

BJ called last night again (It's getting to be a welcome part of my nightly routine) and we talked til 2am... then I went to sleep. And then my boring Sunday happened. So why am I even writing this journal entry? I have no idea.

Kelly is currently annoyed with me. It's getting to be pretty frequent. She talks about one thing almost...no, pretty much every single time I talk to her. Yes, there's an occasionaly Ethan and Madi story thrown in...but that's basically it. Yesterday though, I called her with stories to tell, but she had already read my blog, so I had nothin...

I guess I'm jealous. I don't have one topic to talk about so excitedly like she does. Oh, well. I guess that's good! My randomness wouldn't do well under one topic. But she asks me for insight and stuff like that, and I don't have any! I mean, come on! Guy advice? Don't make me laugh. YOu don't have to make me...I'll do it by myself. Ba-ha-ha-ha!!!

So, anyway. She's mad that I seem not so interested. What does she want me to be interested in, exactly? I can't figure it out. I'm not so good at deciphering what people want from me... I usually get it wrong.

Well, it's been a long day of doing nothing...I need to go to bed. (No, but really...I should. I have to wake up at four) So that's the end of that!

Always and forever times 10,

Me