I once played well the role of experiencing true delight,
When it was time to close my eyes in surrender to the night.
But now when light grows dim, no solace lies within this weary mind
Night once was kind.


I hate this. It's a curse! If only I could fall asleep first. Then there would be no more tell tale signs of paranoia, feasting mercilessly on my already deteriorating mind. It was in my past, it lingers in my present, and appears to be waiting for me ominously in my future. If the minutes were but a minute longer, I wouldn't have to be tortured by the silences. If the light would hold out for another moment more, before the closing of the door, everything would be all right. But then comes the night.


Why is this such a plague? A flag to stand up and declare that it's not fair. Don't tell me to sleep well, while in destrutive thoughts I dwell. This is HELL!

I hate today. Quote a distant memory, far away. Now brought back, here to stay.

Just stay awake with me. Open your eyes and tell me lies, I don't care. But this isn't fair. You act surprised? Ha! Let's compromise.

I feel it less than before. Should I feel more? Who knows? Things dwindle down, but then they grow. Hmm...I suppose....

What do I do now?


I sleep. Except I don't. I won't. Not my choice, it's the ever present voice. The voice of what? Of me... of fears through years of tears. AHHH! Be quiet and say something! Open your ears!

There are thoughts in my head, I wish they were dead. Am I boring you? I'm boring me. I'm boring too...that's what's been said.

There's always a fear that when near, I'm worse than far away as some might say. Blah blah blah, and seize the day. Anyway...who's to say you'd do it better? You'd write a letter.

I don't have to make sense as my mind ferments. I don't have to write songs that just prolong the inevitable. Everyone is a little bit crazy, their ambitions lazy. I for one have crossed a giant bridge, teetered endlessly on the rocky ridge, waiting to fall, but floating mysteriously above the nothing. The nothing waits to suck you in. and maybe someday I'll let it again. Ignorance is bliss, you hit or miss...or just miss on purpose. It's tempting no? So...

I think I'll go now. I'm more tired than I'll admit. It feels good to rant awhile, that's my style. I'll be okay tomorrow. Actually...I'll be perfect by this afternoon. So soon? Of course! It's right.

But then comes night....

I thought I'd start with another picture. That was was just sent to me by Andi's mom. It was taken at his daughter's birthday party. (it was VERY windy) She turned 2!! It was very easy to fall in love with her. If only everything in life were that easy.

MOVING ON! How am I?

Weird. Another day off. My hip still hurts! For I am old...

I don't know what the crap I did to myself, but whenever I look down and bend my neck...I get a sharp agonizing pain in my thigh/hip area. It's driving me CRAZY!

After today, I work Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and then off to Chicago I go! I am excited. Very excited. I think this trip will accomplish a lot! One of the classes I'm taking is how to form a solid drama team. I definitely need that!

Well, I'm off to do some laundry and some equally mundane household tasks. Mayhaps I shall find inspiration along the way for another commercial! I shall not discuss them here...there are spies everywhere! But that money shall be MINE! Or ours...depending on if you help me...whoever you may be.

GOODBYE!

I have forgotten to mention something! I have gone back to somewhat blonde! And since I had nothing better to do today, I took pictures of myself! So, here you go!






I think I may go even lighter in the not too distant future. It's fun to play! Today was weirder than yesterday. In the middle of the night last night, I rolled over and hear a loud pop in my hip. I'm an old woman again! Instant pain shot all the way down my leg, and my knee started to throb as well. I got up and hobbled around, because there was no possibility of getting comfortable. The walking pretty much made it worse, so sleep just...stopped.

I went to work, opened the store, and couldn't believe how much my leg hurt! It was excruciating! Dear sweet Megan took pity on me and switched shifts, to get me out 2.5 hours early. I went home and massaged my leg awkwardly...heh...and then put those warm rice packs on it. It's still sore, but it feels like a dull cramp now. I don't know what I did, but I hope I don't do it again!

I napped a little, took a shower, straightened my hair and took boredom pictures. Now the day is coming to an end... Andi is on his way over, and then we're going to the bike shop, then maybe a movie. I dunno. We shall see!

So that's all for now.

TTFN!

I feel strangely. Today was my first day off in like a week, and I felt completely lost. I spent the night at Andi's, unable to fall asleep for way too long. I woke up way too early and went home. The house and everyone in it was still asleep, so I poured myself some cereal and went up to my room.

I let myself get sucked into a TV DVD (The OC season four, if you must know) until I fell asleep around 9:30 am. I slept until noon! It was very strange. I woke up, and felt horrible. Something has been...off about me lately.

After getting up, suffering some stomach problems, and cleaning the kitchen...I returned to my room to watch the rest of the OC. My mind went crazy with comparisons as one character tried endlessly to manipulate another into saying he loved her. It was kinda funny to think back how scary those words were to me. "I LOVE YOU". I couldn't say it back to BJ for quite a long time. He would say it, and I would either hang up, change the subject, or pretend like it was never said. The whole love thing probably means a litle too much to me anyway. It's a big deal! Too often is "I LOVE YOU" said in passing or casual conversation. When I say it, I mean it. I really do. Hark! I am reminded of a Moffatts song.

"Say'n I love you, is the hardest thing to do. But if I ever do, girl I'll always be true..." HA! Corn. And cheese! CHEETOS! Enjoy. For they are crunchy.

After the OC was finished, I showered and then played with some of Sunnie's hair products...none of which I know how to use, but thought I would try anyway.

Then I went to Target and spent money I don't have on things I don't need. I'm very good at that!

Then alas, here I am. Back at Andi's... he's not home yet. It's just me, Darla and Kelly. I put away his laundry and turned on a movie. (WS R&J!!!!) I just feel weird. My stomach won't leave me alone, and my head feels detached.

I have nothing real to write about, this is what I now realize. I am a boring person. No! No I'm not, I'm fantastic. I just feel strange. Life is stretching forward pointing toward a new path, but I just don't know if it's the right one. The life I'm living now is full of holes. How do I fill them? What do I fill them with? Do I fill them at all? BLAH!!!!!

So now I quit. Quit what? I have no idea. I'm not making any sense. So... that's my cue to run away! It's when I start making sense that I run even further still! It's never easy. Goodbye!

Something needs to change. I don't know how to change it, but I know it has to change. What do I even change? This is hard. This is really hard. What do I have to let go of in order to take hold of something else? When you're swinging through the jungle on vines, you can't move forward to another vine without letting go of the one that got you to the next one. Make sense?

UUGGGHHH! My head is so full of what ifs and maybes. I'm turning into my mother! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I just need to...


change...

My current favorite picture. Not sure why, exactly.

This is something that is really frustrating me, and this is the easiest way to get it off my chest. Copy and paste! For years now there's been this almost feud with my cousins over all the things that they haven't been a part of, etc etc. They may hate me forever now, but I am tired of my family being made out to be villains. And since Kelly reads this on a regular basis, this is the easiest way to vent to my sister!!

I am the only person who tries to arrange things, etc. And since my mom's health of been on the fristz for I dunno, 8 YEARS... you'd think they would get over themselves a little and meet me half way, but no! It's like pulling teeth just to get them to admit we're related, and it is seriously damaging me! It hurts, it hurts, it HURTS REALLY BAD!!!! And I am PISSED OFF!!!!!

So, again, I opened the lines of communication, sending Alana a message via MySpace. I said :


Hey there babe. I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you. I guess I could wait forever for someone on your end to contact ME but i know it wouldn't happen. I know your dad isn't part of the picture, but I would love to still be your family. I miss you.

Alana wrote back :


I miss you too. And I hear your going through a rough time again. I'm sorry to hear that. I know our family doesn't keep in contact well, but there have been a lot of things that have hurt US! We dont feel like a part of your family. Never really have! Heck... we werent even invited to most of the reunions till the DAY of the reunions. How about Missy's wedding???? We sure as hell werent invited! Let alone KNOW about it till MAYBE a week in advance. I DO love you and I DO miss you! YOU corrie have always showed that you care! And I'm sorry I havent kept in contact with you as well as you have. I have so much bitterness towards certain members on my dads side of the family and Im sorry for taking it out (NOT DELIBERATELY) on you! I love you corrie and I hope we can keep in contact better. Right now I'm in illinois taking care of my grandma. I've been down here for a month and I dont know how much longer I will be here. But I will make sure to give you a call when Im back in town. Me and Eli's dad are no longer together and I'm back with my ex fiance Shane. My mom finds out tomorrow whether SHE has cancer or not and jerry is possibly leaving for the army when he graduates next month. Joey is on the verge of juvi. Britt is still fine and dandy(great auntie) J.D. is still a work-a-holic, and CJ keeps getting older, taller, and sassier every day. Eli is crawlin, climbin, teethin, squakin, and sayin Momma and hi. He just keeps getting a better and funnier personality every day. He's definately a lil monster but he's a good baby. So there's an update for you. Like I said.. I dont know too much of what's going on with your mom... but Im sorry your going through what you are. I can only imagine. but anyway... I have to get going. again.. love you and miss you... I guess I'll talk to you later.


Granted a portion of her reply was somewhat nice and easy going and 'oh Corrie I love you' it pissed me off! I am so tired of all this crap! They've been invited to EVERYTHING they just don't come! They blow me off! ARGH!! So I may have gone off a little bit, but...here's what I wrote back.


I didn't want to put this in a comment, but I did want to write to you. Alana, neither side can be justified. When it comes down to it, your dad is just crappy. Invitations for things were HIS responsibility. He said he had passed so many things along to you, but that you had all not wanted to go. We can only push so hard. YOu yourself call him a dead beat dad. Missy's invitations were sent to him, because NONE of you give us any forwarding information about where the heck you are. I have had to hunt you all down time and time again! I have worked my butt off trying to make you feel like part of MY family, (my invitations go without response most times) when all I get in return is shunning from yours.

I love and treasure each and every one of you. You all are very angry with your dad, and so are we. Please don't blame me or my family for his mistakes. Every event has had your names on it, and it's your dad's fault that you didn't know that. We don't always know how to get in contact with you.

My mom is very sick. She was clinically dead a few weeks ago and I had to call 911. It was the most horrific experience of my life. I left a message on your brother's voicemail. No one called back. I am reaching, and reaching, and reaching. YOu can hold grudges all you want, but when it comes down to it, none of you have been there for any of us through some of the most horrific traumatizing times imaginable. My mom has been holding onto threads for too long, and I've begged and begged for you guys to come and see her. I just don't understand.

We all used to be so close! It can't just be me doing this, it just can't. I hope and pray and pray and pray that your mom doesn't have to go through a fraction of what we've gone through. Please don't let it be cancer...it eats the entire family alive, and I promise you....when you reach out to people, they tend to run in the opposite direction. I know you all did. It hurts like hell.

My mom is sick, she couldn't visit you when Eli was born. She wanted to. Things happen in your lives, and we go uninformed. Grandma has boxes of Christmas gifts and grad presents, waiting for invitations that never came. She never gives up...you can hate her all you want for stupid reasons, but she is one of the strongest women I have ever met.

My family aside, I personally am hurt by your endless accusations of us hurting you. I have tried SO HARD to keep some sort of bridge going. Please let go of the hate and bitterness, you're directing it at the wrong people. This is your dad's fault. You know it, I know it, he knows it. We have always wanted you and your siblings around ALWAYS. STOP DOUBTING THAT!!! The hurt you've experienced will not be forgotten. You are loved, and you are cherished, and you are prayed for every single day.

YOu are my family. All of your siblings are my family. My invitations won't stop, so stop saying you're not invited. You always have been. If the invites never reached you, that can't be our fault anymore. We learned the hard way that your dad is not the person to go through. He's not much of a dad to you either.

I love your mom, and praise her for raising all of you on her own. She's a very strong woman. I've always loved spending time with her, and want to as much as I possibly can...but the communication is one way these days. I'm doing my best. Stop hating me, and start returning the favor, okay? I'll never settle for losing any of you.

I love you Alana. I love all of you. Please...if you have wanted so badly to be included as part of the family, why have you never acted as part of the family? The road goes both ways. Meet me halfway.

Corrie

Okay, the end. Now I'm going to bed angrily to stare at the wall, burning imaginary holes through things I can't see in the dark... ARGH! I am in some mood this evening. Watch out!

Me

Me and Andi at Applebee's celebrating after Sunnie's graduation from St. Paul College. Yay for Sunnie!!! She took the picture, haha. It was a fun night!

I listened to an old favorite in the car this morning. "Spy" by The Moffatts. It struck me in a way it hasn't in the past. It was really enjoyable, actually. I could feel my eyes glaze over as I listened to it again for the first time, as corny as that may sound. Scott has that unique sound that I've always adored, and just to listen really LISTEN to the words made me feel like I was figuring something out. It's repetitive and a little long, but every second of it made me love it even more.

Seen through a blur on the wall
I feel so disillusioned of it all
I spy on myself
Through that blur on the wall
I feel so connected to my faults

And it's me that I am spying on
Without seeing all the things gone wrong
and it's me I am crawling from

I was telling Andi last night that I didn't think this would be me. And by me, I mean that I am now someone completely different than I grew up thinking I would be. So many things happen in life that make that person you envisioned completely obsolete, and I know that. It was just so strange. I do feel like I'm spying on myself. Not on the person I used to be, but the new one... like she's someone I barely know. I'm crawling away from myself too, because it's almost like I'm scared of getting to know her.

There are things that are happening every day that are not things that would have happened in the past, without this new version ofmyself. Things that could have been disasters are only ant hills now. Or maybe that it's just that I am going "without seeing all the things gone wrong"... which is entirely possible as well.

Do I know what love is? Does anyone? One thing I know is that Andi doesn't love me, nor should he after such a short time. I think BJ loved me at one point, but stopped a very long time ago.

Do I know how to love? I have no idea. I'm scared of people. I don't know if I've ever let anyone as close as I'd like to think I have. I love from a distance if at all.

Amber mistakenly accused me of acting my way through life, because she had misunderstood something I had said. Maybe in the heat of her moment she got it right. Maybe I don't let things close enough to be real. They used to be real. The first time my mom was really sick everything hit harder than it does this time. Why is that? Because I'm too prepared? Or is it because I'm not allowing it to be real, and I'd rather fake happy? Am I faking or is it real? At this point anything is possible. I don't know who is who at the moment...as far as the versions of me go.

Who can I dump this burden on, of helping to figure me out? God, of course. But how do I know if I'm open enough to listen? Sometimes I feel like I'm straining so hard to hear an answer that has already arrived, and I missed it. I'm probably looking too hard for things that are right in front of my face. I'm gonna find it one day and feel so stupid...just like I did with all those darn "Where's Waldo" books. I never found him first, it was always Stina. EVERY single time! Hahaha. Ah, childhood. How I long for it at times!

Life is exhausting when you're old enough and aware enough to see everything that's wrong with it. Then you have to choose to look and live beyond your faults and the faults of those around you and actually enjoy yourself. That's even MORE exhausting, but EVERYONE does it. Then I guess doesn't EVERYONE act their way through life? Shakespeare is a genius. "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." Which part should I play now?

Act 23 scene 1.... this is a very long play.

Lights up, and... ACTION!



... now what?

Thank you everyone for your comments. I was afraid I would be met with a backlash of hatred. Of course, I remember you, Jenny. I've met you more than once. Yes, at BJ's house. Again at your dorm (in the hallway) at a coffee shop performance...of course I remember you.

And to Carolyn... I haven't read your journal in quite awhile, so I caught up the other day. I'm lucky to have spent more than just a couple of hours with you, like you earlier stated. You and Kris were the first people I met in person! (With Wesley, of course)The nice long drive home from Birmingham. Lots of fun stories! Then you spent that evening with me, first at BJ's house, then at your own. Quite awhile later we spent a whole afternoon/evening together again, chatting for hours, and then attempting to watch Evita complete with fine dining of fried chicken. (It was yummy! Thank you!!!) I don't mean to correct your "couple hours" but just wanted to point out how much I enjoyed every last minute I spent with you.

And to BJ-- thank you for wanting me to be happy. I am. Sad that things had to end, and ultimately change for the better...but I know that we're doing the right thing. YOu were the first person to see me in that way, and you opened my eyes and my heart to a world of new adventures and possibilities. You are my treasure for that. Thank you, my darling friend.

And to Kelly -- you are my rock. I'm sorry for trying to push you down the side of the mountain. I should have known you were stronger than that. (And usually smarter than me...) I'm excited to exist in a mutual world! I love you!

To Andi-- who I don't think reads this at all but whatever... I'm excited to get to know you even better! Life is smiles with you.

And to everyone else-- THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT!

Always,

ME

Hello world! I love movie scores. I just wanted to say that. (as I blast the soundtrack to "The Holiday" from my meager computer speakers...) It's some of the best music I've ever heard! I love it.

Life changes dramatically. I didn't mean to sound cheerful before delivering this news, but... I AM happy. And in some weird way this news is a part of that happiness.

BJ and I are no longer together. (As of awhile ago) In my opinion our relationship ended A LONG time ago, and I was holding onto it for all the wrong reasons. For months I would try to slip in "let's just be friends" and couldn't do it, the fear of being alone too overwhelming to even take a glimpse of a future without someone beside me.

Neither BJ or I were exactly happy, but were both willing to overlook that for the sake of the other. I honestly truly feel like our relationship aside from friendship was over a very very long time ago.

I don't say this to hurt BJ, it's just a truth I tried to ignore for a very long time. BJ was aware of it, seeing as how this past September he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. He changed his mind, and quite frankly I never got over it. I never trusted him again. It put an endless strain on the relationship...whatever it was.

I care about BJ and will always love him as a friend, but the romantic feelings twindled away slowly but surely. As much as I hate to admit it, I was miserable. I kept trying to make excuses, but I knew I KNEW that it wasn't right. I knew we weren't meant to be together. It was almost like God was beating me over the head with answers, and I just kept trying to shush him. Shushing Jesus! I wouldn't recommend it.

BJ was a good friend when he was able, but overall going through so many traumatic events...I needed someone to be here. The timing is awkward, but wonderful. I met someone.

I know this would ultimately hurt BJ, but I hope he too can move on and move forward with the REAL woman God has chosen for him. I know now that that woman wasn't me. I don't know if the new man in my life is the one for me either, but I'm willing to find out.

There are a lot of people out there who think that BJ is a saint, God's gift...but all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. I can't tell you how many threats I've received from people "If you ever hurt him..." Well, by letting go of him, I'm saving him, I promise. This didn't happen as fast as it seems. I tried changing things and moving on too many times to count, but let fear get in the way. When I finally ended it, I felt like both he and I could breathe easy, knowing that there would be no more forced conversations, conceiling true thoughts and feelings. It was then that I felt lighter, newer, and different. In a good way! It was then that God opened my eyes to things that had been in front of me for far too long.

BJ and I remain friends, although I don't know how much of that will change after he reads this. We had a lot of bad memories, and a lot of good ones too. I'll focus on the good as I head out on this exciting new journey! I can't even tell you how excited I am about all of it. The new projects, new endeavors, new firsts. I'm actually giddy for the first time in a very long time. I feel real.

BJ, you and I learned a lot from each other. I hope that what you said to me was right. At the time you originally said it, it cut like a knife. But I really do think you were right when you said "I'm not the only guy who could ever love you, you know." So thank you for your honesty. I don't plan on cutting you out of my life, but I can't imagine you wanting to know too much right now. I know how much it can hurt, because we already experienced it once before. But this time, I think you know too that we're doing the right thing.

ANYWAY-- uncle Randy just got here from Tennessee, and I have some catching up to do!!

Love ya'll! G'night!

My uncles are arriving any day, and I am very excited about it! It will be good to have them here. My world is changing rapidly, and my mom is slowly returning to how she was before the nightmare last Sunday. Everything is so crazy with work though... Jason has been amazing covering my shifts and giving me time. I've had a lot of time to cry, to think, to strategize in some form... my mind is such a mess most days.

Two of the most amazing people are Ale and Jeremy, covering a LOT of shifts while Amber and I are both gone. Amber is on her honeymoon, whereas I am simply trying to not go insane. There are lovely things in life that I would almost call distractions, but they're not really. They ARE life. I don't just need distractions from the life I'm actually living, I'm discovering the life I've always wanted to live. That's incredibly exciting!

Every once in awhile I find myself drifting away, staring off into space thinking of everything and nothing. Thoughts just float on by, running across my mind in rapid succession. Then there will be the calming voice of reason asking what I'm thinking about, and the thoughts scatter, and I can't remember anymore. No matter how honest I feel, words still get trapped. I still can't say everything out loud. I'm afraid of the consequences.

Well, that's really all I've got to say for now. It doesn't matter if it makes any sense! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! That was my evil laugh.

Until necxt time then. Farewell!

THEY'RE NOT TUMORS! Praise God. There are spots caused by certain medications she's taking. NOTHING growing on the brain is good, but this is not as terrifying, and possibly treatable. She's having a lot of issues still, but there's more hope than there was before.

I really don't have much else to say, so we'll just leave it at that.

Thank you all for the well wishes, prayers and what not. All is appreciated! Especially Nikki. Hearing from you feels the best, it really does!! Probably because you're the furthest away. Hope to hear from you again soon!

Bye all.

You almost feel guilty when you find smiles in the midst of agony. Just yesterday I was pondering a question. What happens when you see directly in front of you everything you want in life? There's this horrific fear that you just won't be able to have it. So what happens? You take it, you revel in it, and you smile. Ah! It feels so good to smile! To smile and MEAN it!!

Mom is still down in the dumps. My uncles will be arriving this weekend, and I can't wait. Their wisdom astounds me at times. They'll be here to help with some of the heavy lifting. I can't wait to just...relax. That might sound terrible to some of you, but I haven't breathed in deep for a very, very long time.

More later. BYE!!!!!!!!

This roller coaster is too crazy to continue.

Sunday afternoon/evening my mom got a serious headache and began vomiting continually. She was forgetting names, words, and meanings.

My dad assumed the headache and nausea were the result of a terrible migraine. She was disoriented and confused.

Around 1:45 am my dad felt a jerk next to him in the bed. He turned on the light, my mom was having a seizure and her eyes were rolled back in her head. She was coughing out blood before she stopped breathing altogether. My dad screamed for help and I dialed 911. My dad performed CPR until the paramedics arrived. My mom was rushed to the hospital.

She was kept under with a breathing tube for a very long time. It wasn't until early this morning (Tuesday) That we even found out what was wrong.

There are multiple little tumors in my mom's brain. The only way to treat them is with extensive radiation. She's still very confused and disoriented, hugging doctors because she thinks they're related to her. She is not in high spirits, and to be perfectly honest I think the time for her to go home to heaven is a lot closer than some of us would like to admit. She doesn't want to die, and my dad thinks he has absolute control over everything, completely leaving God out of the equation.

Life sucks. There's not much else to say. My prayer is simple. I don't want to lose my mom, but if she is suffering... I want it to be over. I want for the Lord to just take her home.

You know my prayer. Choose your own, but please do pray.

I've watched the cursor blink for over fifteen minutes now. Is it because I have nothing to write about? Doubtful. Is it because I don't know WHAT to write about? Possible.

I've written three different paragraphs by now, and keep deleting them. The WHAT is really taking over my head right now. Here's another question. WHAT am I doing? In life, in love...

BJ is not moving to Minnesota. Now what? We're waiting for a someday. I'll be honest. I don't want to wait for someday. I'm alone NOW. I've tried to somewhat break-up with BJ about three times now. Every time I get close I break down into tears and take it all back. Why am I doing it in the first place? Maybe because it's better. But maybe it isn't. The thing that crushes me is when he asks me that same question over and over again. "Is that what you want?" I can hear him hold his breath waiting for my answer. I've searched my head, I've searched my heart. I don't know what I want anymore. I try to turn to God to gain wisdom on not what I WANT but what I NEED. I don't think I am either willing or able to listen for the answer. My head just won't clear.

I figured out part of it last night. BJ was going to move regardless of his financial situation. He's more willing to take the risk of having to give up and go home if it meant spending a little more time together. I, however told him that would break my heart. That THAT goodbye would kill me. So he's taken my advice and decided not to make a move until he's financially stable. Sounds responsible. And in all honesty it was my idea. Doesn't mean I like it! But maybe I do..

I know BJ and I know that the move...if it ever happens will be very far off. So that's why I feel like I'm trying to let him go. One thing I know and feel in my heart is that he wouldn't be happy here. I can see him getting severely homesick. He's never lived anywhere but Montgomery. He's never lived without his family. I can't ask him to give all of that up...because what will undoubtedly happen is he will have to choose, and it won't be me. His circumstances will slowly lead to his resentment of me, and my mutual resentment of him for resenting me!

One of us has to give up everything we've ever known. I tried that once, and I failed miserably. Now it's come to the point where I realistically CANNOT move. My itty bitty family needs me here. What now? WHAT now?

I can't give him up. I tried, and the pain was unbearable. He's my best friend. But a long distance relationship only works if it's not long distance indefinitely. Kelly's getting prepared to have a daunting long distance relationship, and she's scared. But Tim's absence promises a return, whereas BJ's is a someday. A maybe. A we'll see. I want to think that I'll be able to set a really good example for Kelly, and how to handle everything. But I know her, I know me...and I just don't know if I could say or do anything to prove that YES! This will work for you, it's easy! It's not. It sucks. It breaks your heart over and over again. Every morning I wake up and then I have to realize AGAIN that I can't see the one person I want the most, and my heart breaks again. The pain never dulls, it gets sharper.

When I first fell in love with BJ all of this was easier. He was my first love, so everything was new! It didn't matter as much how much of a distance was between us, as long as we loved each other.

Now with life and circumstances how they are...it matters more and more and more. I NEED him here. He NEEDS me there. And neither of us can make it happen for the other. Now what? NOW WHAT????

Our conversations have become surface and unengaging. if we pull back that easy layer there's a sea of darkness, sadness, pain and DRAMA. It all seems so unnecessary, and somehow unavoidable. So we keep it simple. Every once in awhile there's a crack in the surface, and I'm usually the first one to fall through it. Those falls seem more frequent lately with things being how they are.

It's a tough world when your mom comes into your room in the middle of the night seeking comfort. Suddenly you're the parent, and your mother the child. I don't think anyone is ever prepared for that role reversal. Even me! Who experienced it too many times the last time we all went through this. She craves peace, but I still feel like the child, and I will never have enough knowledge to fix it. She says her focus is on the Lord, but I don't think she is being truthful. Her focus is on her fears, and they are completely controlling her every thought. I'm a lot like my Mama.

Yesterday she laughed, got dressed, and spent the day out with a friend, getting her hair done. The tears I cried yesterday afternoon were the first ones with a happy motivation behind them. She was smiling from ear to ear. The first smiles I've seen that didn't transform into frowns and sobs a minute later. I pray they stay.

This journal is too often overcome with melancholy... but this is the only place i have to get it out without interruption. If I'm speaking I have to defend every word I say. Something is almost an argument. There's peace in writing. I wish I could do it more often.

until then...

Hello world! Quick update before I head off to work. Mom came home from the hospital yesterday. She's still fairly doped up, but overall doing pretty good. She gets to be on dialysis three times a week, so that's fun! We have to monitor her liquids very closely!

She has no kidneys...which just amazes me. God made us so we can function with parts of our bodies missing. Incredible! That, and the technological advances he helped out with to insure that the body could do just that. It's just hard to imagine. One day we hope that she will be able to find a kidney donor, but until then...we've kinda got our work cut out for us! But it's so worth it when it means no more cancer!

IN other news, I am now brunette. Sunnie and I both get kinda down when the parents are gone (weird, I know) So Saturday night, we had the place to ourselves, and could have gone WILD... instead we went to Cub and bought Mom some grape juice and me a box of light brown hair dye. When I get down and restless, I have to change something. Most often times that change becomes my bedroom, but I just did that...so I changed my hair instead.

Anyway! Here's the photographic evidence!




So that's all for now. More later! A bientot! Au Revoir! Later Taters! See ya! Time to go to work...indeed! *sigh* I am sleepy, therefore I sigh... goodbye!

When I have time, I hope to re-cap the entire week that BJ was here. Until then, I will leave you with a FANTASTIC picture! BJ recovered it from my almost dead cell phone, and it's a true treasure. He then used a beloved program of his to get it off said phone, onto my lap top, which he then e-mailed to himself on my dad's comp, so dad could print it off so we could frame it (with a frame BJ bought) to give to mom as a pick-me-up.

Without further ado...I give you Captain Jack and my Mama!!




Until next time friends, farewell!

I shall start out by saying, thank GOD B.J. is here!! It's been vital!

After mom's initial diagnosis, they rediagnosed her with a much more grim possibility. The cancer was worse than they had thought. If it had spread further than the kidney and into the bones, it was terminal, and there would be nothing they could do. My mom had a bone scan the other day, and we recieved the results this afternoon.

IT HASN'T SPREAD!!!!!!

Praise the LORD! Now, they will still have to remove mom's one remaining kidney, and she will be on dialysis for quite a few years. They have to be ABSOLUTELY SURE there is no cancer anywhere in her body before they even consider the possibility of a donor.

It's not gonna be fun, but it is SOOO much better than terminal cancer! Thank you to everyone for the prayers. We all know prayer works, and my mom, my family and I will once again be gracious recipients of those marvelous happenings!

So, that's the update for now. BJ and I have been having a blast...being in love and all that jazz! Kelly is in New York living it up and hopefully buying me lots of cool stuff because I couldn't go!!!!!!!!! Hahaha.

Later taters! Love ya!

-Me!

They found new cancer on my mom's remaining kidney. Right now it's operable, but still serious. There's also something that looks like a kinda scary blood clot. She's in good spirits. She's happy they caught it early, and she doesn't feel sick like she did last time.

Please keep my mom in your prayers. She only has the one kidney! So far it hasn't spread, and let's pray it stays that way!!