Well...I find out tomorrow if I get the New York job. If I do, that means Kelly and I can go there together at the same time. Driving, I mean. Kelly gets to bring Darla, and I get to bring Harvey. I'm so conflicted. AHHH! Okay. I want to get away, I know that. From everything, and everyone. I'm sick of feeling like I'm in the way. If I leave, I'm finally the one going somewhere. Even if it's just symbolic. I'm not the one who's going to be left behind this time. I'm going somewhere. But am I going the way I'm supposed to?

If I take the job, I can leave my mother and the insane work that goes with her, (although I love her very much...I can't stand her most days) I'm leaving anyone and everyone I've ever encountered in my entire life. I've already expressed my fears of going without being missed...

I'm the cool director, or the older sister figure, or the good friend when the real friends are all tied up. I hate the identity I've created for myself. Because when push comes to shove, and the week comes to an end, I'm the one who sits at home alone. I know there's a billion and a half people who care about me, because they've all told me so. I'm just so...I don't know. Sometimes I feel dead, because I don't feel this emotion. It really doesn't help that the majority of my friends are theater people. ACTORS. I'm so paranoid...I wish I hadn't listened to all the things I grew up hearing. We won't go into that...

If I go to New York, I leave the Tea Room. The only job I've ever had that I've actually enjoyed. They really like me there, and have already designated a billion responsibilites to me that no one else can accomplish. The creative director? Writing theme teas? Finding actors and other entertainment for every event? I really don't want to let them down. But I don't think I have a choice. My mom said if I don't go to college in the fall, I have to move out. I can't afford to move out with the hours I have at the tea room since they hired too many people. So I had to find a way to move out, so I did. I'm a New York Nanny...almost. My mom continually tells me I'm going to fail...that makes me want to go and prove her wrong. But I have to do what's right for me...if only I knew what that was.

I'm so scared I met the man I'm supposed to be with here in Minnesota, and I didn't realize it? Sure, God has a plan, but he also gave us free will so we can make mistakes. What if this is a huge mistake and I can end up a failure all alone? Why won't someone ask me to stay....

I need to stop thinking that way. Everyone's life will go on whether I stay here or not, and I don't like my life here. I like my job, but that's not enough to keep me out of the dark places I traveled to before. AHHH! Well, I'll find out tomorrow. I'll decide tomorrow. I may possibly collapse into a lifeless heap...tomorrow. I'll let you know... peace to all. Especially to me. AHHHHHHHH