Good glory! I'm doing very very badly at keeping this thing updated. It's been 20 days! I'm HORRIBLE! Okay, who cares? It's my journal...lordy be. Anyhoo! What's happened? Sunnie graduated! Yay!!! That job in New York? It seems like it's really going to happen. They even say I can bring Harvey! I'm so happy....I think.

My mom told me repeatedly that if I didn't get going and go to college, I would have to move out. So I found a way to move out. Now she's saying that it's too far away, she'd miss me too much, and that I don't have to go to college yet. What a transition! But I convinced myself that I had to go, I WOULD go unless there was some dramatic reason God gives me to stay. I feel completely and totally panicked, because I have this feeling there's a reason just staring me in the face, and I'm not seeing it. I'm like that, I'm afraid. The worst part is? I feel like I won't be missed. Sure, the hard work I do will be missed. But there's no one here that's really going to be heartbroken over my departure. Not that that's what I'm looking for. I just...wish that someone would ask me to stay. I'm sure everyone feels that way when they're going to leave. But being asked to stay because it would make a difference to someone else...it wouldn't happen. Accuse me of being sad and pathetic, I probably am. But it scares me that I don't feel like I make a dent in anyone's life sometimes...

So! I wish someone would throw me a surprise going away party. All my life I've wanted a surprise party. I've never had one. But that fear inside...no one would come! Really...who would. No one even came to my birthday party. I sound like such a loser! Ahhh! It was my own fault, anyway. I let my insecurities ruin things for me. And other stupid people...ah, well. I'll throw myself a party. I'll take me out to a movie. (Like I did today. Oh, yeah. Saw "From Justin To Kelly." Go American Idol first season! My favorite forever!!!) Is it wrong to think I've found a reason to stay? I told Kelly about it, and she laughed at me, telling me my supposed reason is stupid. What if it isn't? What if it's the reason God sent? There's just...something I can't talk about yet. We'll see what happens. God, please don't keep me in suspense for too much longer!

You know what? I really want a boyfriend. Laugh all you want. I have my reasons. People warn me against them, people tell me I'm lucky. Whatever whatever whatever! I'd like to find out for myself thank you. I want to matter to someone. I don't matter to most. Not in a mattering way. *laughs* Sure, I'm a swell pal when you need one. When you don't...well, you don't. I love so so so many people. I don't leave enough of me left to love me. I need someone else to love me, and teach me how to love me too. *laughs heartily, throwing head back...coughs as she inhales mosquito* Dang bugs...

Well, let's see! If this New York thing happens, I have to quit my job at the Tea Room, and I don't know how...ahhhhhh...Well, I better sign off for now. I am sleepy, and alas. I work in the morning. I will try my very hardest to keep this thing a little more updated. Oh! I'm starting a new story, based on certain parts of my life. It's tentatively called "Settled For". I think I'm going to put it in an additional blog, so anyone and everyone who reads this thing, could also read my story! It's going to be fantastical! I hope...maybe this is the big one, guys! The one to be published! It has promise, it does it does!

Peace out, yo! E-rokin all the way to Nantucket! (Will explain some other time)