Well...that darn Nancy Drew syndrome has caught up with me again. I went sleuthing. I searched for BJs screen name on my computer, and the conversation Kelly had with BJ popped up. So! I read it. God forgive me, I read it. I found it only mildy offensive "I wish they could understand we have other friends..." Well! Ahem. Scuse me! Did I say otherwise? By they, BJ was referring to me and Kris. Apparently we're similar "emotionally" Whatever. If they want to talk and be best buddies, I'd be fine with that. As long as it's not on my screen name! Hah! I'd like to say I'm kidding...but I don't think I am.

I think I came across as pushy and over anxious. Why? Because I sent BJ my picture and he was suddenly not online anymore. Interesting...just a coincidence, but I've been conditioned, and it's a hard thing to reverse. Granted my mother tells me how beautiful I am all the time...sometimes she even says "hot" but because of the opposite remarks she made ALL The time before... I can't believe a compliment. Even if I think it might be true, I tear it apart until it becomes simple words...dull and fallen to the ground. I reduce the nice words to words that don't mean anything to anyone. Blah blah blah is what I hear, the sentiment and good intention is swept under the rug along with the pointless words. I smile and nod and walk away, and they could have said "The broom has two ears" for all I know... they're just words.

Anyhoo... this morning screwed up my day. I'm crabby now. I have negative money all around...I can't afford medications or car insurance, and I'm beginning to panic. February we're taking a vacation to Florida, and I have to pay for park admissions. I make next to nothing at Caribou, and I just want to cry. Maybe I shouldn't go to Florida. Maybe I should skip my very last family vacation. I can't, but I should.

Not to mention that the vacation just happens to be resting on the very week that my very first one act play is going to be performed. I wrote it, it's going to be performed, and I'm not gonna see it! I'm...beyond depressed.

Well, anyway. That's two entries today. I feel like a compelte spaz, and I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Lovely sentiment...

Au Revoir!

Me