I should never write in the wee hours of the morning. Morning always brings a little sunlight. I talked to BJ again around 2am. He had had his friend Nicole over.

We uncovered quite a few more fears. Most of them were mine. Why am I so scared of everything all the time? Because it feels like I'm going backwards, and before... I didn't have BJ. I didn't have the things I wanted. I'm scared that going backwards means losing things I didn't have before. I know that's crazy...

I was half asleep while I was talking to BJ. But I remember some of the crazy things I was saying. "Time used to bring me things. Bring me gifts. It would bring me promises of 'see you tonight', or 'see you tomorrow'...and now the only promise it brings is months away, and after that...there's nothing. There are little crystals of hope floating around in the air...things I want. But I ignore them. You try to grab onto them, and all they do is let you down. They never keep their word. You have to wait for them to become reality, and that takes forever. Sometimes it never happens."

So on and so on. I do have hope, and I do look forward to things. BJ starts school after he's here in August, so I'm just a little scared about that. He wants it, he needs it, I want it for him, and need it for him. But that probably means I won't see him for a year... between work and school, he can't go anywhere else.

People have done things like this for a hundred years, and a hundred years after me. Their husbands are in the military, or something like that. I just feel sometimes like I already did all that, and now it's time to be together. Most people got to date in person, and spend time together, and all that stuff. We did it backwards, so that's why it feels backwards now.

Ok, enough complaining. There are a lot of lessons to be learned here. I'm not gonna lose BJ. He's not gonna lose me. We won't let that happen. I have a LOT to be thankful for. I'm glad he's stronger than me... I just wish it didn't seem so uneven at times. BJ is such a blessing, and the reason why this is all so hard, is just because I love him so much. I want to be with him. My heart hurts.

Anyway, in other news... my room is an easter egg, but I'm trying to make it my own. My mom turned it into a room fit for a 12 year old, with bunnies, and dolphins, and purple/lavender everything with a big lime green rug, and flowers everywhere. It IS pretty, it's just not what I would have picked. But it's going to be a guest room "when I'm gone"... whenever that will be. Everyone makes preparations for when I'm not around, that's so...great!

So I tried adding some of my personality up. RENT poster, pirate calendar, Garnier print, Brian Littrell, theater stuff, and lots of picture frames.

So that's all for now. I wish my head would shut up.