What RENT song are you?

You're "What You Own." You often think your life isn't worth living, but occasionally, you remember what you really are put on this earth for... to live
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So, I had a good weekend. Almost. It was much needed. I've been having a sort of tough time with life...dealing with it and what not. Missing BJ, depression, illness, the no money thing can get ya down... I just got real tired of my life.

I asked BJ Friday night, how can we change this? What if I can't make it? What if I can't keep doing this? How would we be able to change the situation. He said just to trust in the Lord, and he'll help us find a way. I know he's right, but at the same time... it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

The next morning brought on a lot of dread. I hadn't slept most of the night, every possible bad thought was endlessly invading my mind. I had somehow signed away my life for awhile, working from 7am to 11:30pm at the Bou'. Don't know how THAT happened, but it did. I wasn't thinking clearly, I dunno.

Everything had been mounting for awhile, so Saturday morning I had to sit myself down, and take some deep breaths, so I wouldn't just altogether explode. I set myself up for failure. I have Satan a way in. I said "I'll be able to make it if I'm not on front register." So I get there, and see that I'm on DT orders, which is FINE. But then Caity rushes back to change it, so she can have her sister where she wants to be instead. VERY wrong, but that's where I was stuck. I said "Caity, please don't do that. I have a sixteen and a half hour shift today!" She shrugged and brushed it off. That's when it all snowballed.

I couldn't function. I found myself walking intho the back room repeatedly, trying to stop the panic attack that had been trying to get out for weeks. I started hitting myself in the head, trying to knock out the screams. It wasn't working. I ended up sitting down and talking to Lauren for awhile, before calling BJ, trying to find that much needed comfort. Sometimes it all just gets to be too much. Why am I back here? Why isn't BJ with me? Why am I not with him? And then you think about all the medical issues that I can't afford, the fact that I've been working there for over a month without any paycheck... figured it would happen, right? I have a car payment due, I have meds to buy, I'm sick, I'm miserable, I'm lonely... I don't see anybody, and I can't figure out if that's the way I want it or not.

I'm turning into a total recluse. Sometimes I like it. I turn on a movie and pretend. I don't feel as alone then. The truth is, I think even if I was surrounded by people, I would still be lonely. I would be lonely for BJ. He's stronger than me, of course. But he's also the man. I'm the sappy woman.

After my panic attack subsided, I continued to work my never ending shift. The customers were steady right up until close, and I was nearly dead by the end. I was never happier to go home.

Saturday morning, I woke up way to early considering the events of the previous day. Up at 8, I ate some breakfast and decided to indulge in a bit of my childhood. I watched "The Little Mermaid" from start to finish, remembering how my kindergarten mind had interpreted the dialogue I didn't understand back then. That was fun.

Later that afternoon, my dad made good on a promise to take me camping. My, Dad, Mom, and Jamie all headed out to Jay Cooke state park, and found the most BEAUTIFUL camp site. Aside from setting up the tent in the backyard with friends, I hadn't been camping in years.

We set up camp and then went on a hike around the park. We lost Dad somewhere along the line. After the hike, we went and bought some food to cook on my dad's camp stove. It was so much fun. We had hot dogs and baked beans. True camp food.

Jamie and I shared one tent, my parents took the other. Jamie got a gushing bloody nose right when we got settled, so that wasn't pretty. He got blood EVERYWHERE in the tent.

The next morning we made bacon, eggs and toast. Yum! I caught up on my devotions while Jamie and Dad played guitar. After that, we packed up and headed out. We stopped at another state park on the way home, and went on a little mini hike along Kettle River.

NOw we're back, and I work tomorrow. I was supposed to work tonight, but I had someone cover for me.

I guess that's all for now, until something spectacular happens to me! Or...something...