I'm a pathetic person. I'm incapable of maintaining long term friendships. I think I'm a breeze. Af eel good friend. The comedienne needed for an uplift before one finds ones true self. Anyway.

I'm also scared. Ever since Louisa told me I'm just a background friend, I've tried to be anything but. I've tried to be substantial. The one! Important. I guess I failed.

I can't tell you how gut wrenching it is sometimes. Lurae has basically had three real, true best friends in her entire life. Me, Nikki, and Alex. I'm the only one out of the three completely left out of the biggest day of her life. I've been replaced over and over again in so many lievs. Why do I never stick?

I'm also jealous. I see the invitations for Lurae's Bridal shower, and bachelorette party. Not only am I jealous because she's getting married, but... no one has ever thrown any sort of party for me...even when they actually said they were going to. *sniff* They never came to my birthday party *sniff*

I'm really good at fake friendships. They're all over the place. That's part of what scares me. There's not much deep meaningful information passed between co-workers over the making of a latte. YOu don't really get to know anyone at work.

I'm scared that I have no "real" in my life. I'm afraid my wedding party one day will consist of mandatory sibling appearances. I'm scared there will be no one on the bride's side, because every relationship I've ever had has been completely surface.

I don't want to believe that, but that's how it feels sometimes. I'm dependable though, that's for sure. I was told by Nikki that she spends more time wqith everyone else, ebcause she knows that I'll always be there no matter what, and they probably won't be.

As crappy as that is, she's probably right. I'm never the one to walk away, I'm always the one watching while others do. That...sucks. It's okay though, they knw where to find me. And they do...when all their real best friends kick em' when they're down. They turn to Corrie the clown! Sorry, no jokes today. I don't wanna play.

Do you know how much it sucks when all of your friends tell you you're no longer part of their group? Gosh dang...why has that happened to me TWICE with two different groups of friends? Just a background friend, blah blah blah.

When there is a gathering, I'm the last one they think of... oh, wait...not last...never. It just never happens.

I'm not a part of Lurae's big day, but I did manage to merit an invitation. Nikki thinks that alone should make me happy. I always thought I would be more than that though. Not a wedding guest, a wedding must. A part of it. Push it in more. The initial stab wound didn't kill me. Harder now, please. I want to be numb.

Ignore the drama, it's just my flare. I don't care. I'm just sad. It's sad to realize you don't mean a fraction of what people mean to you. You're a blip. They already passed over you. For awhile they thought you were a UFO...new and exciting! What's that?!?!?! Oh...just you. Dang. We thought we had made a discovery. Oh well. Continue on your own. We don't need you to be happy anymore. Blip on by, blimpie.

I know, I know. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Why am I a breeze? I don't want to blow on through, I want to hang on. Hang onto you. But...I guess the whole prying my fingers off should have been a clue. I get it now. I'm through.

I want to be important. I've spent so many years fighting for these people, begging them to be a part of my life. They're all worth it though, that's the hard part. But now I'm tired. I want to be fought for.

I want one real, true friend. Someone I can count on. I know they already count on me, but I want to count on them too. Is that too much to ask? A real friend, please.

They're all so fleeting. Zubi, Stina, Sarah, Jessie, Ariel, Lisa, Emily, Melanie, "THEATER" Nikki, Lurae... I miss you all. I didn't leave though. You did. I'm still here! Good luck with life!

Jessi Campbell always makes me feel important. I love her. She's moving to Australia. That sucks. I'm lonely. She's too beautiful to be my friend, anyway.

Well, I have BJ! He's my everything. Sometimes I feel bad for him, because I have no one else to talk to. He has to hear it all. Most of the time he knows all the right things to say.

I miss you too. I miss you three. I miss you all!

When I fall, fall... will you catch me, catch me, catch me?

OVER AND OUT!

ME