Well well well. Where to begin? Nothing major has happened really. I work all the time. Since BJ's visit in August, I have been working 7 days a week. Maybe the distraction helps.

I've decided to take weekends off. I think it's a brilliant idea. I desperately need it. BJ and I are both very busy now. Our conversations are minimal at best. We're trying though.

Originally we had planned to see each other next over Christmas. That's seeming less and less possible as each day passes. I don't think I can pinpoint now why exactly. Sometimes it all just seems too hard. But then I look at my life, and I see that every part of it has been difficult. Why stop now?

There have been some good times recently. Nice distractions. Two trips to the state fair! Woot woot! The first time was with my parents, Sunnie, and Paul. Sunnie and my mother are the of inappropriate comments. "Blond" moments if you will. Like when we walked into the bazarre and Sunnie shouted out "Mom! I smell your nuts!" while referring to my mother's favorite cinnamon roasted almonds. Or when Sunnie commented on the large "anatomy" of some horses..."Here it comes again!" The public is never safe.

The second trip was just Kelly and I. That one was not without its laughs either. That trip was my treat, and we really enjoyed ourselves. We hit all the musts. Next year, I HAVE to stick to it and audition for the talent show. I know I'll at least QUALIFY for the finals...and that right there is $100 in my pocket. Judging from who qualified on Saturday, I'll do just fine.

Aside from the fair, there aren't too many other highlights. Lakeshore is taking up a lot more of my time. I kind of AM the weekday Box Office now. Kirsten quit. Can't say that I blame her, but now I'm pretty much in charge. Even though it's rather terrifying, I am good at it. Joan keeps telling me how wonderful I am. I don't mind.

I'm tired all the time. I'm sick a lot too. I'm an outsider at Caribou now, and all by myself at Lakeshore. I'm "too busy" for invitations, at least that's the impression I unknowingly passed on to my co-workers. I'd tell you how much that royally sucks, but it still makes me sad. They whisper plans around me like I'm an idiot, and all the while I just...stew. That's okay. Work "friendships" are all temporary anyway. The only think you have in common is work, and when you try to keep friendships after leaving a given job, it never works. I've seen it happen again and again and again.

Maybe I'm just becoming bitter. People don't want me, and now I don't want them. I've unintentionally developed the attitude that some are just out to get me. Kelly and Kris are nice and thick again, and I won't lie...I it. Just a few months ago it seems...Kelly absolutely despised him. I stood by and was endlessly accused for not defending her enough to that unimaginable monster...and now he complains TO Kelly about my relationship with BJ, and that's A-O-K with her. She's just like SUnnie when it comes to Kris. No matter what her friend has said or done to me, it doesn't matter if they still want to be her friend. She loves having Kris back, and deny it all she wants, I know she likes the fact that he can't stand me. Every sibling enjoys having someone they don't have to share with their family. I could care less. (I'm a liar, of course. At least I have to live up to my lying reputation...which Kelly's best friend is the AMAZING author of. He's the best writer ever! Word. He should switch from reporting to pure fiction...that's where his talent truly lies.)

So that's my rant. I know I'm just bitter, right? Jealous? Call it what you will. Everyone stays close with each other, and I am rolling around in their dust...covering up my hurt with all the dirt they leave behind. What you can't see can't hurt you! So go ahead and glance. I'm just fine. Don't look too hard though. You might see the truth and feel a little bad. So sad.

Anyway... I wonder what I would change if I could do it all over again. I can probably list about a hundred things. But I've gotten so many lectures about the Butterfly Effect whenever I mention that question just out of curiosity. What would YOU do different? Would you keep me around? Would that make a difference? If I didn't exist...how many people's lives would be drastically different? Would Nikki and Lurae be the same people without that "party"? They weren't the same people they were before that happened...I wonder what they would be like now? Stupid scenarios, really. I wonder, I wonder. Who would be different? Everyone wants to make a difference in the world. Maybe not in the ENTIRE world...but someone's world. I wonder whose worlds I've made a difference in. Questions that were never meant to be answered.

ANYWAY. It looks to me like I've gone through a little writing withdrawal. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe not. Who has time for it anyway? Not me!

Bye then. Later tater.