So I'm still pretty sick. Last night was the worst of it. BJ called after he got off work. He talked to me for a little while, and then he had to go "eat dinner" ---which usually consists of a couple hours watching TV with the family..whatever. Usually I just wait patiently, but I felt really really sick, and I just wanted to hear him. I kept having mini coughing attacks. I sat on the bathroom floor for awhile. The bad thing I hate happened...where you cough so hard for so long, that instead of just hacking stuff up, you make yourself sick. Reverse ham sandwich...not so yummy.

Benlee had called while I was sitting in the bathroom. His message said to call him for anything. But honestly? I knew nothing would help. Nothing outside of what I'm used to, anyway. I had told BJ I felt "really not good"... but I guess that didn't connect. He said he would try to get through with "dinner" as soon as he could. Almost two hours later...

I was mad, because I was jealous. He has his family. I thought about begging him to come and stay with me last night. There are some things only boyfriends can do, like hold you in their arms until you fall asleep. When he called back I was so upset and exhausted, that I blurted out something I didn't even know was on my mind. "I WANT TO GO HOME". He was quiet, and I apologized. I said I didn't mean it. I still don't know if I did. Technically there's no "home" to go home to anyway. My room is dad's new office.

We talked everything over again. Everything is always the same. I feel bad, and then he feels bad, and then I feel bad for making him feel bad. I know it will all turn out all right, but none of it happened like I had planned.

BJ is it for me. I know I'm supposed to be with him for the rest of my life. He's my one. My one and only. Last night he was talking about our future. A future I can fully trust and believe in, because FINALLY I know it's really going to happen. I just wish the future was NOW, ya know?

I keep thinking I made a mistake. Not a mistake in being with him, no no. But I left my world to be with BJ. To BE with BJ, not see him once or twice a week for a few hours. That probably sounds selfish...but I think I deserve to be selfish after all the waiting for everything and everybody. It's my turn!

I wish I would have tried harder...pushed people harder to help me stay in Montgomery. I asked Kelly to live in Montgomery...but I completely understood why both she and Benlee wanted Kelly in Opelika. I gave up Montgomery because Opelika is easy. Benlee is taking care of everything he can, and I am so grateful. Unfortunately it's just awkward. Just like I could never spend tons of time with Paul without Sunnie. Benlee is a great guy! But Benlee is Kelly's boyfriend. Kelly gets to live in the same building as he does. Kelly gets to see him every day for the rest of her life. I feel like it was my turn, my time to do that. I shouldn't complain. I got 6 weeks.

Benlee says he's grateful to me for making this sacrifice. BJ is grateful to me for making the sacrifice to move down here in the first place. I'm grateful to both of them for everything they've done. I just wish it were different. I wish it were different...I wish, I wish, I wish. Enough wishes. Time for my fairy tale ending...

Okay. That's it, I'm done complaining about it. I promise. No more. I'll get over it. Good things come to those who wait. I waited and prayed forever to find BJ...so another forever is nothing to wait for my happily ever after, right? Right. I'll start chanting that in my sleep and soon I'll start believing it. This is the last time I'm gonna whine like a little kid and say it.... IT'S NOT FAIR!!! WAAAAAAAAAA! NOOOOO!!!!!! ...ahem. Okay. I'm done now.

I miss you. Who, you ask? All of you. I feel disconnected from everything I've ever known. "Misery, is what I feel when you're not around, so I can't heal...Misery is what I feel, it's what I feel..." Go Scottie boy Moffatt man. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Peace

Me