Hello world! I love movie scores. I just wanted to say that. (as I blast the soundtrack to "The Holiday" from my meager computer speakers...) It's some of the best music I've ever heard! I love it.

Life changes dramatically. I didn't mean to sound cheerful before delivering this news, but... I AM happy. And in some weird way this news is a part of that happiness.

BJ and I are no longer together. (As of awhile ago) In my opinion our relationship ended A LONG time ago, and I was holding onto it for all the wrong reasons. For months I would try to slip in "let's just be friends" and couldn't do it, the fear of being alone too overwhelming to even take a glimpse of a future without someone beside me.

Neither BJ or I were exactly happy, but were both willing to overlook that for the sake of the other. I honestly truly feel like our relationship aside from friendship was over a very very long time ago.

I don't say this to hurt BJ, it's just a truth I tried to ignore for a very long time. BJ was aware of it, seeing as how this past September he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. He changed his mind, and quite frankly I never got over it. I never trusted him again. It put an endless strain on the relationship...whatever it was.

I care about BJ and will always love him as a friend, but the romantic feelings twindled away slowly but surely. As much as I hate to admit it, I was miserable. I kept trying to make excuses, but I knew I KNEW that it wasn't right. I knew we weren't meant to be together. It was almost like God was beating me over the head with answers, and I just kept trying to shush him. Shushing Jesus! I wouldn't recommend it.

BJ was a good friend when he was able, but overall going through so many traumatic events...I needed someone to be here. The timing is awkward, but wonderful. I met someone.

I know this would ultimately hurt BJ, but I hope he too can move on and move forward with the REAL woman God has chosen for him. I know now that that woman wasn't me. I don't know if the new man in my life is the one for me either, but I'm willing to find out.

There are a lot of people out there who think that BJ is a saint, God's gift...but all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. I can't tell you how many threats I've received from people "If you ever hurt him..." Well, by letting go of him, I'm saving him, I promise. This didn't happen as fast as it seems. I tried changing things and moving on too many times to count, but let fear get in the way. When I finally ended it, I felt like both he and I could breathe easy, knowing that there would be no more forced conversations, conceiling true thoughts and feelings. It was then that I felt lighter, newer, and different. In a good way! It was then that God opened my eyes to things that had been in front of me for far too long.

BJ and I remain friends, although I don't know how much of that will change after he reads this. We had a lot of bad memories, and a lot of good ones too. I'll focus on the good as I head out on this exciting new journey! I can't even tell you how excited I am about all of it. The new projects, new endeavors, new firsts. I'm actually giddy for the first time in a very long time. I feel real.

BJ, you and I learned a lot from each other. I hope that what you said to me was right. At the time you originally said it, it cut like a knife. But I really do think you were right when you said "I'm not the only guy who could ever love you, you know." So thank you for your honesty. I don't plan on cutting you out of my life, but I can't imagine you wanting to know too much right now. I know how much it can hurt, because we already experienced it once before. But this time, I think you know too that we're doing the right thing.

ANYWAY-- uncle Randy just got here from Tennessee, and I have some catching up to do!!

Love ya'll! G'night!