I listened to an old favorite in the car this morning. "Spy" by The Moffatts. It struck me in a way it hasn't in the past. It was really enjoyable, actually. I could feel my eyes glaze over as I listened to it again for the first time, as corny as that may sound. Scott has that unique sound that I've always adored, and just to listen really LISTEN to the words made me feel like I was figuring something out. It's repetitive and a little long, but every second of it made me love it even more.
Seen through a blur on the wall
I feel so disillusioned of it all
I spy on myself
Through that blur on the wall
I feel so connected to my faults
And it's me that I am spying on
Without seeing all the things gone wrong
and it's me I am crawling from
I was telling Andi last night that I didn't think this would be me. And by me, I mean that I am now someone completely different than I grew up thinking I would be. So many things happen in life that make that person you envisioned completely obsolete, and I know that. It was just so strange. I do feel like I'm spying on myself. Not on the person I used to be, but the new one... like she's someone I barely know. I'm crawling away from myself too, because it's almost like I'm scared of getting to know her.
There are things that are happening every day that are not things that would have happened in the past, without this new version ofmyself. Things that could have been disasters are only ant hills now. Or maybe that it's just that I am going "without seeing all the things gone wrong"... which is entirely possible as well.
Do I know what love is? Does anyone? One thing I know is that Andi doesn't love me, nor should he after such a short time. I think BJ loved me at one point, but stopped a very long time ago.
Do I know how to love? I have no idea. I'm scared of people. I don't know if I've ever let anyone as close as I'd like to think I have. I love from a distance if at all.
Amber mistakenly accused me of acting my way through life, because she had misunderstood something I had said. Maybe in the heat of her moment she got it right. Maybe I don't let things close enough to be real. They used to be real. The first time my mom was really sick everything hit harder than it does this time. Why is that? Because I'm too prepared? Or is it because I'm not allowing it to be real, and I'd rather fake happy? Am I faking or is it real? At this point anything is possible. I don't know who is who at the moment...as far as the versions of me go.
Who can I dump this burden on, of helping to figure me out? God, of course. But how do I know if I'm open enough to listen? Sometimes I feel like I'm straining so hard to hear an answer that has already arrived, and I missed it. I'm probably looking too hard for things that are right in front of my face. I'm gonna find it one day and feel so stupid...just like I did with all those darn "Where's Waldo" books. I never found him first, it was always Stina. EVERY single time! Hahaha. Ah, childhood. How I long for it at times!
Life is exhausting when you're old enough and aware enough to see everything that's wrong with it. Then you have to choose to look and live beyond your faults and the faults of those around you and actually enjoy yourself. That's even MORE exhausting, but EVERYONE does it. Then I guess doesn't EVERYONE act their way through life? Shakespeare is a genius. "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." Which part should I play now?
Act 23 scene 1.... this is a very long play.
Lights up, and... ACTION!
... now what?
1 comment:
Nice new look for your blog. With everything changing so fast these days I can relate to the desire to change other things as well. You'll find your place/role in this play. Actually, you already have it, but you have to be willing to take it. You are the leading lady in your life. Perhaps you have been too scared or lack the vision to see that role was always meant for you. "This is your life/ Are you who you want to be?" Switchfoot couldn't have said it better. I never stop loving you so please don't think that way. A new chapter of both of our lives has begun and we have new roles to play, but don't distort the past. It is what it is. We can learn from it, and move forward. If it helps you to be happier to believe I stopped a long time ago, then believe. I just want you to be the woman you've always wanted to be. Don't let anyone/anything hold you back. I know that who you want to be and who God wants you to be will line up and become in sync. You'll hear Him soon.
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