I've watched the cursor blink for over fifteen minutes now. Is it because I have nothing to write about? Doubtful. Is it because I don't know WHAT to write about? Possible.

I've written three different paragraphs by now, and keep deleting them. The WHAT is really taking over my head right now. Here's another question. WHAT am I doing? In life, in love...

BJ is not moving to Minnesota. Now what? We're waiting for a someday. I'll be honest. I don't want to wait for someday. I'm alone NOW. I've tried to somewhat break-up with BJ about three times now. Every time I get close I break down into tears and take it all back. Why am I doing it in the first place? Maybe because it's better. But maybe it isn't. The thing that crushes me is when he asks me that same question over and over again. "Is that what you want?" I can hear him hold his breath waiting for my answer. I've searched my head, I've searched my heart. I don't know what I want anymore. I try to turn to God to gain wisdom on not what I WANT but what I NEED. I don't think I am either willing or able to listen for the answer. My head just won't clear.

I figured out part of it last night. BJ was going to move regardless of his financial situation. He's more willing to take the risk of having to give up and go home if it meant spending a little more time together. I, however told him that would break my heart. That THAT goodbye would kill me. So he's taken my advice and decided not to make a move until he's financially stable. Sounds responsible. And in all honesty it was my idea. Doesn't mean I like it! But maybe I do..

I know BJ and I know that the move...if it ever happens will be very far off. So that's why I feel like I'm trying to let him go. One thing I know and feel in my heart is that he wouldn't be happy here. I can see him getting severely homesick. He's never lived anywhere but Montgomery. He's never lived without his family. I can't ask him to give all of that up...because what will undoubtedly happen is he will have to choose, and it won't be me. His circumstances will slowly lead to his resentment of me, and my mutual resentment of him for resenting me!

One of us has to give up everything we've ever known. I tried that once, and I failed miserably. Now it's come to the point where I realistically CANNOT move. My itty bitty family needs me here. What now? WHAT now?

I can't give him up. I tried, and the pain was unbearable. He's my best friend. But a long distance relationship only works if it's not long distance indefinitely. Kelly's getting prepared to have a daunting long distance relationship, and she's scared. But Tim's absence promises a return, whereas BJ's is a someday. A maybe. A we'll see. I want to think that I'll be able to set a really good example for Kelly, and how to handle everything. But I know her, I know me...and I just don't know if I could say or do anything to prove that YES! This will work for you, it's easy! It's not. It sucks. It breaks your heart over and over again. Every morning I wake up and then I have to realize AGAIN that I can't see the one person I want the most, and my heart breaks again. The pain never dulls, it gets sharper.

When I first fell in love with BJ all of this was easier. He was my first love, so everything was new! It didn't matter as much how much of a distance was between us, as long as we loved each other.

Now with life and circumstances how they are...it matters more and more and more. I NEED him here. He NEEDS me there. And neither of us can make it happen for the other. Now what? NOW WHAT????

Our conversations have become surface and unengaging. if we pull back that easy layer there's a sea of darkness, sadness, pain and DRAMA. It all seems so unnecessary, and somehow unavoidable. So we keep it simple. Every once in awhile there's a crack in the surface, and I'm usually the first one to fall through it. Those falls seem more frequent lately with things being how they are.

It's a tough world when your mom comes into your room in the middle of the night seeking comfort. Suddenly you're the parent, and your mother the child. I don't think anyone is ever prepared for that role reversal. Even me! Who experienced it too many times the last time we all went through this. She craves peace, but I still feel like the child, and I will never have enough knowledge to fix it. She says her focus is on the Lord, but I don't think she is being truthful. Her focus is on her fears, and they are completely controlling her every thought. I'm a lot like my Mama.

Yesterday she laughed, got dressed, and spent the day out with a friend, getting her hair done. The tears I cried yesterday afternoon were the first ones with a happy motivation behind them. She was smiling from ear to ear. The first smiles I've seen that didn't transform into frowns and sobs a minute later. I pray they stay.

This journal is too often overcome with melancholy... but this is the only place i have to get it out without interruption. If I'm speaking I have to defend every word I say. Something is almost an argument. There's peace in writing. I wish I could do it more often.

until then...