Today is darker than it was yesterday, and yet the sun is shining brighter. It's having too much time to think and analyze what is, isn't, could be, won't be, shouldn't be, shouldn't have, might have been. I'm dizzy now.

A day off from work used to be a good thing. But that was when I knew how to make the world stop spinning. I would find things that made me happy and exist completely inside of them if only for a day. It was like my own personal magic trick. I could disappear and reappear within the random poetry of a day well spent. My ability to do that has seemed to vanish, replaced instead with a constant nagging feeling in the back of my mind. At times this feeling adopts the sound of a clock. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. What now, Corrie? What now? It's questions repeat ruthlessly. What now, Corrie? What now? Tick tock, tick tock. The possibilities are no longer endless. They have a schedule, just like everything else. What now, Corrie? What now?

I changed my hair again. No doubt another effort in changing me again. I don't think it worked. I've spent a great deal of time looking at my reflection in the mirror today, for some reason expecting to see a different face. I still look the same. I still feel the same. I still am the same. Tick...tick. What now?

My hair is not nearly as dramatic as I make it sound. I'm glad to have tried something different. There's something else clawing at my mind. Maybe it's just the tick tock clock, maybe it's something more. I'm not sure.

I've been analyzing my decisions that have taken place in the last year. Some were good, some not so good. I fantasize about doing something drastic. Finding a nanny job in some obscure location...with the promise of being treated as part of the family and brought along on glorious family vacations all around the globe. This is what I want pretty much every other day. Just to drop everything and start to live! Life Extraordinary!

I've fooled myself into believing I've accomplished things I haven't. Love? I don't know if I've ever found it. BJ was the first everything to me, so of course it would feel intense. But love? How do I know the difference? To have had nothing, and then a devoted relationship, and then tragedy...and then Andi. I didn't love Andi, not even close. But I loved being wanted around by someone who lived in the same state. I was COMPLETELY in love with that aspect of the relationship, as fleeting as it may have been. But I don't think I even know what love is. Romantic love, I mean. I know what it is to love a friend, a sister, a brother, a father, a mother. I know and cherish that love. But have I ever been IN love? I have no idea.

I scare myself sometimes with the sudden intense desperate need to figure that out. At first I thought it was a desperate need for love itself, but I think really that it's the need for discovery. I've existed in tragedy and drama for a very, very long time. Things happen in our family that other families cannot even imagine. It's come from the outside, people telling us in awe and disbelief... "Wow. With your family, when it rains it pours." And it's not too often that the storms subside for too long. Things just keep...happening. I amaze myself sometimes when I laugh. How can I laugh? How could anyone under the circumstances? How could anyone do silly dances and say silly things and poke people and tickle them and make them laugh with you too? Is that my gift? My mission? Do I exist in this family of tragedy to lighten the emotional burden? That's too bad... because I don't feel like I'm very good at it. But I do love to see them laugh. To smile. Is this why my fantasies of leaving seem so impossible? What do others depend on me for? What is my function?

I know pretty much every single person on the face of the planet asks that question of themselves on a regular basis. What is my purpose in life? What is God's plan for me? Why do the answers seem so hard to find? I long and ache for discovery. Discovery of so many things.

I fantasize about my trip to South Carolina. I fantasize about falling in love with a new place and not returning to the old one. Shedding the skin of tragedy and burden and starting over, fresh and new. Feeling the weight lift off my shoulders once and for all. Fill my scope with different sights and faces, each and every one of them unknowing of the life I've left behind. No more shadows of mistakes, just the light of new possibility. But then I think about my job, and my family, and float down from my cloud. How could I do that to them? How could I hurt them like that? And life gets heavier again. Back to earth.

Parts of my relationship with BJ were mistakes. However, I don't think ending it was a mistake at all. Neither of us were really truly happy. Whether it be the physical distance, or distances of other kinds... we were no longer who we were in the beginning. It's hard to let go of him, just because I know he loves me. Is he the only one who could?

Pretty much my ENTIRE relationship with Andi was a mistake. But it was so easy! So much of my life has been spent holding and comforting those around me. All of the sudden there was this man who wanted to hold and comfort ME and tell ME everything was going to be okay. He thought he felt things for me that he didn't, and I tricked myself into feeling things I knew I shouldn't. Everything I fell for in the beginning was fleeting and momentary and short lived...but it was a bad time to be alone. That's no reason to stay with anyone. I was selfish. And now? Ultimately alone. My fault, I guess. I should have been alone sooner. Self preservation.

Like so many people, I crave love. But I'm not looking for it. It't like trying to find lasting satisfaction in a bowl of ice cream. YOu want the ice cream, it tastes good, it seems like it could solve all your problems, but it turns out it wasn't ice cream at all. It was fat, and sugar, and flavor substitutes. The things I find that I believe to be love are really just momentary substitutes. At least I think so. But I don't knwo the difference!

Sounds like a lot of garbage coming from someone who's only dated two men. But there have in fact been more. The others were just people with ulterior motives. IN love with my sisters, to be exact. Or homosexuals. Whatever! Maybe those were all just adolescent what ifs, but they were real to me.

I know I haven't found forever yet. I also know that I wouldn't know it if I had! Parts of me miss BJ, and parts of me very much still miss Andi. Another thing I crave is consistency. To go from seeing someone pretty much every day to seeing him...not at all, has not been easy. Neither of us were happy, but I still enjoyed him most of the time. And in quiet moments alone, he would be that person that I fell for to begin with...and then everything I hated about the relationship seemed worth it. Sick and twisted, indeed. I miss the way he held me. In those moments I could drift away to possible, even though I knew I was better suited for never. It was lovely to pretend. It scares me though to think that I could probably pretend again, no matter how much I love for reality. Reality meaning making it REAL.

I'm a sick lady this week. I have allergies galore, parts of the misery due to another lung infection (cough cough, hack hack), woman special time, (with a few added complications), and a headache that just won't seem to end! My entire body is groaning every time I move, and there doesn't seem to be anything to do about it.

I lay completely still and try to focus on a screen. My eyes wander to a light source like they always do, and my mind wanders away from the story being told, to stories I've already seen with my own eyes. Memories, flashing in little sparks. Agonizing spurts of light. Flashes beating me through the sides of my head, ringing through my temples with hated glee REMEMBER ME! REMEMBER ME! My finger nails are longer these days. Know how I know? The memories drive me so crazy, my palms have started to pay the price. I can remember in great detail feelings and glances and touches and kisses, and then I get angry. Why can't I forget? Why can't I forget!!?!? I just want to be everything to somebody, not just for pretend. I want to combine the good things in everyone I've known to make the perfect man. What's wrong with that?

Oh, that's right. It's impossible. My mom prayed specifically for the man she wanted, all the way down to what he wore and what kind of sink would be in her kitchen. Her prayer was answered, and she found the most amazing man she had ever met. It scared her to death! Kelly prayed a similar prayer, following my mother's example and seems to think hers has been answered as well. I think I'm scared of praying a prayer like that. WHy? Why would i be scared of getting what I want? Probably because it's never happened before, and it might just be the end of me! Hah, no seriously. I don't know why I haven't done that yet. I think I'm scared of my future mistakes.

I'm really good at sabotaging relationships. I've done it my entire life. My trying so hard NOT to sabotage my relationship with Andi, I sabotaged my relationship with Andi. I was too accomodating, too willing, too perfect. I waited on him hand and foot, trying to avoid any possibly disagreement. Sometimes I would stand my ground and he'd seem to hate it, so I'd back down. The spark he saw in me was quickly and quietly extinguished, but I didn't even know I was doing it. I was boring. He was boring. We were boring. But we were wrong for each other anyway. I was who I thought he wanted me to be, but what if all he wanted was me? Oh well. If he was really him the whole time like he claims (even though I saw so many different versions) I guess I didn't want him anyway.

What if I pray that prayer, meet God's choice, and screw it up? How do I stay myself? I disappeared when I was with BJ, and I disappeared when I was with Andi. How do I keep me around? How do I stay the person they see in the beginning?

I watch my sisters with their men, hether in person or in spirit. I'm not jealous, or envious...it's almost painful to watch. It magnifies my failures and bad decisions. It's a strange feeling. I'm just not happy with myself. I'm happy with many ASPECTS of my life, but me as a person...I'm not happy with her at all. How do I fix that?

Focus on the positive, live life with joy, put on a happy face, be a cheerful servant. I just don't understand what's changing. The colors are different. Inside of me and out. Fears and disappointments are more present than before. Why is that? Life has gotten less severe if anything. Somedays my mom seems to be making a lot of progress. Why do I seem to be the one slipping?

BLAH. Well, it looks like I'm writing a novel this evening. I've been house sitting for Brad but haven't been able to really enjoy it like I thought I would. I thought I would be spending all of my free time there, but it just doesn't feel as good to be alone anymore. I'm really tired of it, actually. My parents used to marvel at how well I could entertain myself. I was friends with everyone growing up, but friends weren't necessary in my every day life like they were for Sunnie. I was content to spend the time with myself, write a story or make up a play. Now... the silence wreaks havoc on my ears and drives me crazy. Movies depress me and just make me wish that I were anyone else but me...the person watching other stories happen instead of living my own. I wish I had the means to travel. REALLY travel. See the world! But not alone. I don't want to do it alone.

Okay, I think I'm done for now. My headache is taking over my head. Time to find something else to do.

Have a good evening.

-Whoever I am today...