You know what's funny? I just read over my last couple of entries, and my writing has never been so bad! It seems I'm only creatively talented when I'm in a sour mood. Go figure. I'm not entirely in a sour mood at the moment, I think I've left it behind for the time being.

I tell ya. You leave your life behind for a little while, and then you have the opportunity to get outside of it for a bit. Then what happens? You see it all too clearly. Then you can see just how messy it is. Rawr. If only I knew the best way to go about cleaning it up.

It reminds me of one of those times I simply HAD to rearrange my bedroom. I do that sometimes, when life just stresses me out and I get depressed... I rearrange the furniture. (Now I have an entire apartment to play with, so it doesn't happen as often!) So, I was moving this desk/hutch thing, and it hit a crack when I was sliding it across the hard wood floor. Guess what happened! The whole thing snapped down the middle! Every item in my possession was randomly thrown into a domino like chaos. Everything hit something else until everything I owned was strewn about in the biggest mess I had ever created...intentional or not. Things broke, shattered, turned to dust... and just plain sucked.

It was so unbelievably overwhelming...I backed out slowly (and in much pain, seeing as how my computer had taken a death dive onto my foot, splitting my big toe nail down the middle) and closed the door. The mess was hidden and I didn't have to look at it. I took a break, almost gleefully leaving behind the chaos only to return to it heaving a giant sigh with a few grunts of severe displeasure attached. I didn't even know how to begin to clean it up! But somehow I did. I tackled the big things first.

The problem with that metaphor to real life this go around, is simply that I'm having trouble discerning the difference between the big things and the little ones. Although like that bedroom disaster... when I asked for help, I was turned down repeatedly. It's overwhelming, and completely crippling. Life should not make you feel like sobbing the minute your alarm goes off in the morning.

Work is ridiculous. I can't believe I'm still there! The musical is hard. REALLY hard. And I am completely on my own! When I had told First Lutheran in the beginning that I was looking to take it elsewhere, they clamped down on it saying that they wanted it there no matter what, and for me to ask for help whenever I needed it. Well...the few times I HAVE asked for help, I was met with the equivalent of a "do it yourself" kind of response. Well, fine then! I'm sure you won't mind "helping" me with the donations we'll be raking in!

I'm just crabby. Rawr. I'm grateful to First for allowing me to put on this production. But they've been so much more involved in every other church project. Why am I left out in the cold? Because they have no idea what they're doing. We all know this. Sometimes even I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing! But I do... I have an idea at least.

It's hard to do all of this without all the people who made it happen in the first place. Kelly's gone. BJ is gone. Nikki is gone. RJ is gone. They're my net! And it's gone. BJ called the other day. I never know what to say to him. Since the times we talk are so few and far between... I always end up blurting out this repressed things I didn't even know I was repressing.

One thing I really miss about talking to him, is that we both speak in metaphors. When I would get all deep and philisophical, I knew I could rely on him to speak the same way right back to me. I asked him "If you start out climbing a mountain, with a whole huge group of people...but by the time you get to the top you're all alone, was it worth it?" He had a very simple reply. All he said was "Look at the view." I argued that the view is never as spectacular as it could be if you were sharing it with someone else. The conversation continued with that analogy, BJ attempting to convince me that not everyone has left the mountain, they're just not as high up as I am, and they're just out of sight below the tree line. And aside from that, who's to say there's not a group climbing up the other side, waiting to meet me at the top? He defeated me in my metaphor, but this mountain still feels crazy lonely...and if I could find a cave in the side of the mountain, I would live in it forever. (And if there was a lake in that cave, it would be called a Corrie. True story! It's scottish for cave lake. I'm serious.)

So...melancholy is my mood of late, and it's incredibly difficult to escape. HOWEVER. I remember a lesson I've been taught for years, and by many. When you're working on a project to glorify God, it will be mercilessly attacked. That's how I know I'm on the right track. Absolutely everything that CAN go wrong IS going wrong. This musical is going to change lives! I am going to change lives for Jesus!! Can you BELIEVE it? I am sucha huge threat right now to the devil. Know how I know? Because he's trying to beat me down harder than I've been beat down in a very very long time. I'm ashamed to say it's working. But not completely working! I'm still standing. And even though the PASTORS are trying to tell me to back out, I refuse! This musical is happening. The auditions begin in less than a week!

WE PERFORM OCTOBER 10TH and 11TH!!! THE SHOW MUST GO ON! ---er, the show must get started.

Well, I did a lot of complaining without going into any detail...and I still managed to blab on and on. I MUST be in a sour mood! Ah well. When things get bad, I watch movies and live life through someone else's eyes. When things get REALLY bad, I watch The Painted Veil... which has recently turned into Ed Norton movies in general. God bless Amazon marketplace. Thanks to Amazon, I have basically purchased every single Edward Norton movie there is, starting at just 2.98!

Okay, off I go now to take some more Advil. Can't kick these headaches, friends! AHHH!

-ME