BREATHE.

Step one complete. It all hurts a little tiny bit less now. It usually dissipates for awhile before knocking me over again. I don't like feeling like I'm not in control. I'm definitely not in control. I need to switch roads for awhile and stay away from those destinations. I'm not ready to go there yet. SO! Until I am... Different road. Better road.

Writing. I need to do it. I need to be it. I'm working on an Author page, and here is my new self portrait:

I don't hate it, so that's a good sign. I look like I am dreaming up a story! This is usually the case when my mind gives up on reality. It's so much easier to exist in fiction. I suppose that's why it's fictional. Not real. *sigh* At least I have total control in that world.

The entire Granted saga is so personal sometimes. When I'm writing about their world in ancient Greece, I honestly find myself giggling, thinking... there's no possible way that anyone other than me will find this the least bit entertaining. Historical stories were where my brain always wandered to when I was younger. I blame my mother. Her passion for epic period romances was definitely passed down to me. Braveheart, Last of the Mohicans, Wuthering Heights, Sense and Sensibility, Romeo and Juliet, etc etc etc. Everything seemed so much more passionate and beautiful in the past. Everything was more intimate and personal because it had to be. There were no phone call hang ups or misinterpreted text messages. People would travel for days just to see someone else they cared about. Saying goodbye was real. I just love it so much!

When I was in 6th grade, I wrote my first Historic Romance entitled "Lady Elizabeth". It became the obsession of every girl (and one special boy) in my Communications class. Writing about royalty and indulging in those languages is such a guilty pleasure, that I'm THRILLED I took Granted there. It was an experiment when Talie had that first dream in the first book, and before I knew it, I had developed a plan to have her get stuck in the past. It's so much fun!

It's personal, yes... but every time someone praises it or says something wonderful, my heart explodes with joy. It's validation, but beyond that... they are telling me that my passion is worth it. My dreams are possible. I can do what I love, and they want me to do it. They want more. It's incredible.

I'm looking forward to being done with reality for awhile. I need to go back to fantasyland. Nothing can touch me there. As odd as it sounds, it's easier to connect with God when I'm in that world, because I feel like I'm utilizing the gifts He's given me, and therefore making him proud. When I'm NOT in that world, I'm completely out of my element, and constantly lost. Sure, it's easier and much more fun to fantasize with someone else, but... sometimes that's just not possible. Also... I don't want to be loved for only my stories. You have to love my reality too... which I know is a HUGE order, because I can't even do that. Not yet, anyway.

People talk to me a lot when I'm writing. They don't talk to me much when I'm not. That's discouraging and encouraging all at the same time. If you're confused can you imagine how I feel??? Right?!?!? I love that they love it, but... I want them to love me without the words sometimes too. We can hang out even if I haven't written anything in several months. At least I'm writing here. It keeps my brain moving, anyway.

Life.

Breathe.

BREATHE.